February 20, 2016
I know, I know you are all going to want to lecture me after you read this post.
So, let's start with a warning:: I am not asking you your opinion on how I should spend my time. I'm just making for myself a record of my thoughts at this time and sharing them with you.
If one person tells me to take it easy, rest, or listen to my body I'm going to scream.
My body is in major nesting mode and like any wise woman who has been pregnant for over 7 years of her life will tell you-- when you're body is nesting, go with it! I actually feel really good this week.
My body is sick of being sick and more than anything my mind cannot stand the thought of one more less-active day.
I'm sure there are stages somewhere that could explain my stages of dealing with physical illness.
I'm in the booty kicking stage.
When my oncology appointment was cancelled for weather I literally threw 7 kids in the car and drove to visit family in CT. It was SO nice to get away from doctor visits and just have fun with family.
We got home this afternoon and I'm ready to really readjust my life. There is a small voice in my mind that tells me I'm trying to do too much at one time. But, another part of me says-- JUST DO IT! Aim for the stars! Who cares if it's too much, trying is better than not trying.
So, here is my list...
1- FINISH A LITTLE FURTHER!! My finishing line is too soon. The morning comes and I push through tiredness to get the kids fed, pack lunches, and out the door and then I crash. I need to push a bit further and have my "finished" be a clean kitchen. Same with dinner time-- finish with a clean kitchen or sleeping kids. After church, I crash in the car before we go inside! I need to push a little longer. Have kids bring everything in from the car, get dinner cooking, start kids on an activity, and then go take a nap. At bedtime I need that kneeling prayer and journal time. I just need a 20 minute further finish line. I can do that.
2- The Magic of Tidying Up!! I hate fads. Philosophically I'm against the "give everything you own to Goodwill" philosophy. I judged all of you crazy people who held shoes and asked if you felt joy or donated half your books to the prison.
And now, I will join you.
I have yet to read that Konmari book (although I just ordered it- to add to the pile of books I will soon be giving away).
But, I feel in my bones another fad organizing technique. It's called, the "If Tomorrow Never Comes" technique. Where thoughts of dying begin to burn inside you an intense desire to get your life in order and sort all your crap so someone else won't have to.
This is similar to the "I'm tired of getting new carpet so I can move" feeling. I just don't think it will hurt anyone if I kick booty and organize! I'm giving myself two weeks.
Here's my plan--
3- Whole 30! If you know me, you will know two things. First, I absolutely LOVE to eat good, healthy food. It is my favorite. Veggies are my prosac. I love buying them, cooking them, touching them, eating them, looking at them, feeding them to my kids. I'd choose asparagus or Brussels Sprouts over ice cream. I love variety, I love simple foods, I love pretty salads. There really isn't a food I don't like.
Second, I HATE FAD DIETS. I hate extremes. I hate trends. I think you make yourself crazy when you tell yourself one bite of gluten is hurting you, unless you have been diagnosed with Celiacs. I believe people make themselves sick by eliminating foods and then eating them again. They say they're sick because they ate unhealthy food, I say they're sick because they trained their bodies that anything other than salad was unhealthy. I like grains-- I think they are God given and divine. I do not think God designed this world so that we all would need to eat coconuts and acai berries to be healthy. That makes no sense.
See, I'm offensive and judgemental and I HATE FADS. I'm not a trend follower. I rebel against what is popular. I think healthy should be more simple and more affordable than unhealthy.
And yet... I NEED TO DO THIS. I'm going to. I'm just going to try to eat the Whole30 diet for 30 days because my whole body is inflamed. This might not be related, but I'm CRAVING tomatoes like a crazy woman. I honestly can eat salsa with a spoon. I like spice these days. I almost feel like my body is trying to clean itself out and I'm going to help it a little.
Whole 30 will not be hard for me. It will force me to eat more protein and less string cheese. I really don't think it will be hard because I would be eating the foods I prefer to eat. But, sometimes I think I should wait to start something new until my life settles down a big. And then I say-- why?!! Just start eating healthier today. Just do it. It can't hurt.
4- Photo Books, I Am Doing Them! So, in the magic of tidying up spirit, I'm focusing on gathering this week. I'm going to set up a table and gather every photo album, journal, and box of keepsakes I have compiled. Then I'll sort, then I'll create.
(This sounds like a great plan if we don't discuss distractions like Thing One and Thing Two, Eve and Ben. Or, simple distractions like laundry, dinner, and oncology appointments.)
I think I'm going to use Blurb books.
I think I'm going to make a family book telling our story generally, dating, marriage, moving, and the birth of each kid, a few pages per kid and then after that, I'm going to copy those pages into individual books for each child.
I'm SO ready to sort, scan, use it, or throw it away.
And, that's all friends.
Tomorrow my goal is to start by folding the 7 loads of clean laundry I left when I went in vacation.
Then, I want to sort every closet and dresser in my house.
While eating healthy.
And, orchestrating Saturday chores.
And, convincing my boys to help move tables, and tupperware of pictures to my bedroom or maybe my sewing room...
Without being bothered by the fact that The Professor will find my mass sorting purging bothersome and untimely.
Doesn't that sound fun to you?
I did not mention any sewing projects, exercise plans. fun toddler ideas, or ideas for family vacations...
We'll work on that next week. ;)
Life is good!
I've got this.
February 16, 2016
I have not been feeling well lately.
My symptoms are odd and scary. I'm passing out (vasovegal episodes) when I go to the bathroom. My ankles have swollen and my feet have had intense neuropathy. My joints ache, my muscles are weak, my head is spinning. Thankfully, most of my symptoms respond well to steroids.
I've been diagnosed with everything from having normal aches and pains for a mother of 8, to Aids, to Stage 3 Lymes Disease. Every test I take comes back positive for something weird. My internal inflamation is rampant so it's probably some sort of auto-immune disease. So many people I know struggle with the challenges of life that I am well aware I'm not unique or even particularly special in my challenges.
They recently found two grapefruit-sized cysts on my right ovary. They look complex and cancerous. These cysts, combined with swollen lymph nodes, spots on my lungs, an inflamed spleen, and neuropathic involvement led my doctors to suggest that I might have stage IV ovarian cancer.
Don't google that. It's very scary and very sad. 17% 5 year survival rate. It's also probably not a good idea to watch youtube videos of moms who had stage IV cancer, vlogged about it, and then died. It might give you a headache.
I had a tough weekend.
It's scary thinking your body is filled with bad stuff. Thinking that you could die is terrifying, purifying, humbling, and somewhat empowering.
Honestly, I believe that contemplating and accepting my own mortality (on more than one occasion) has been a powerful process for me.
It brings perspective and beauty to life.
Please excuse me for a moment while I share this walk into the darkness with you so I can record here in this place, the beautiful light I found on the other end. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, although I think a little drama is quite cleansing at times.
Saturday morning I called my sweet aunt, I was sobbing. I kept telling her that I NEED to finish my picture albums. Leaving my children without leaving them their stories as told by their adoring mother is my single greatest fear.
I will die someday... Maybe sooner maybe later. I do not want to die without leaving them a tangible reminder that they were conceived in love, birthed in love, cherished, adored, and raised in love. We have some family books but I want them to have personal books.
I'm doing this-- now.
I also want to make each of them a quilt.
I am not going to spend another year caring how messy my basement playroom is.
Isn't that funny?
The possibility of IV ovarian cancer has me crying about picture albums.
(This was also the reason I knew I wouldn't die with Ben. I just felt that God would let me prepare my children and I knew I had not done that.)
My single greatest fear when faced with terminal cancer was that I would die without telling them their story. I want them to know it and always remember.
I'm a lady that has already been blessed with nine lives and I'm just not going to take any more chances. I need to make their books. (Oh friends, help me figure out how to do this!!)
Can I be honest with you about something else?
My second greatest fear about dying is that my children would hurt and do without if I died.
I believe mothering is so important-- I want my children to have a mother.
It was such a painful thought to me that it took my breath away, I couldn't breathe from the ache. I would just sob to my husband or sob when I saw my kids and felt my momma love for them.
(This was a cheerful Saturday at my home as you can imagine-- mostly I just stayed in my room contemplating death while Todd handled life downstairs.)
Sunday was a holy, healing day for me.
Gut wrenching agony always carves room for the holiest of healing balms.
A dear friend and an Elder in our church, came to our church meeting. He spoke to us, he counseled with us, and he blessed both Todd and me. My favorite part of enduring illness is feeling surrounded by a tangible love. I felt that on Sunday.
My heart was changed.
It was a gift from a loving Father.
As I prayed earnestly during the sacrament, I heard God. I am someone that loves others easily and He knows that.
While I was pouring to Him my fears and aching-- The Lord whispered to me the promise that my children would have me for as long as they need me. I knew it. I will live every day of the life I am created to live. And I know my mothering will not end with death, it is an eternal calling.
I know that He loves me and He loves them more than I do.
He whispered a simple idea into my soul. He asked if I could imagine another woman with strengths and talents different than mine that coul love and bless the lives of my children? Yes! I know so many woman that I cherish who are way better than me at so many things. I love so many amazing women.
I felt the sweet assurance that IF God ever decided to call me home, He would bless them with another mother who would love them like I do. Taking me would not diminish my influence, but it would only open the way for them to have MORE. The sting of death would hurt for a moment, yes. But like all experiences of life, it would be for their good.
My fear and hurt was washed away.
Where before I saw punishment I began to see blessing. Where at first I could only see loss, I began to see GAIN.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I began imagining so many of my beautiful, single friends and how I know they could love my children. This might sound dumb, but my heart aches for women who aren't loved like I am loved. Todd is my greatest gift. I would share him with someone that I love. I would also share my beautiful children and grandchildren with a good, good woman unable to have children of her own.
I have spent a few late nights whispering to Todd the traits he should look for in his second wife. Ha! I promised him that I would pick her for him and made him promise me that when and if I died, he would marry again. (Not too quickly, but pretty quickly.)
He is not enough.
My kids NEED a mother.
He has gently endured my passionate instructions.
She has to love Anna as much as Eve.
Bring her to the store and see if she picks out things for herself or if she says things like, "Leah would love this!"
She has to be able to organize large gatherings and fun family reunions.
She has to be beloved by those who know her, everyone you talk to will tell you what a great woman you're getting.
Look for someone from a strong family.
Tidy and well groomed is more important than hot and high maintenance.
But, I do hope she's beautiful and lady like and classy so she can teach that to my daughters.
Educated, well-read, organized, discerning.
For his sake, I would choose a women with a mild, tender voice (I have always wished I was a bit less "passionate" with my opinions on... everything.)
Choose someone like your mother, I make him promise.
Rebekah (my sister in law) will know, I insist. And so will Ellie.
It's actually quite fun thinking of the angel woman I would choose to co-mother my children with.
In a moment, this part of the pain and fear of dying was simply removed from me and replaced with peace, love, hope, and a perfect assurance that ALL THESE THINGS shall be for our GOOD.
I know it.
I know one more thing.
I have never written this blog for strangers. I have always written it for my daughters and shared it with strangers.
They will know my voice after I'm gone.
I have poured out my advice to them on the pages of this blog for years. They will know me.
Today, I want them to know one more thing.
Since I was a young girl, I have felt Heaven near.
I've known angels were surrounding me at my wedding, at the birth of my children, as I've given talks, on days when I'm overwhelmed with life, and on days when I'm overflowing with love for cute little toddlers as they eat their lunch.
I feel my grandmothers near me.
And, I actually think they are MORE a part of my daily life since they've passed than they ever could have been when they were alive. They really know me, they know my children, and they help strengthen me.
Just recently I was heading to a meeting and I felt very ill. I could barely get out of the car. I had the thought that I could do this. I just needed to put some lipstick on, put a smile on my face, and keep my head up! As I swiped my lips with red, I laughed. I KNEW that was my grandmother. She was right with me, strengthening me. I feel their humor buoying my spirits. I really have no doubt that angels are here and active.
I have ALWAYS wondered why God has given me this spiritual gift. And now, I understand. This gift was given to me so that I could teach my children what I know. Even if I die, I will be with them. I will talk to them, I will babysit for them so they can sleep in on Saturday morning, I will cry at their weddings and I will make their babies smile on the day they are born. I will hold them when they're sad and celebrate with them when they're happy! I will help them find the perfect wedding dress and I will send them gifts like flowers, sweet scriptures, good friends, and convenient parking spots.
I don't fear death because I KNOW death is not the end. I know it.
Yes, there is a veil. But it is thin.
I will be a really great angel someday!!
I'm sorry that there is pain attached to death.
I believe that grief is holy and it is the price we pay for loving someone.
I know that grieving is temporary!
We are not alone, we are loved, this life is but a short chapter in the eternal story.
Death is not the end of the book, our story continues.
Here is my favorite quote on death--
I'm sorry that I have spent so much time talking about death.
I promise I don't have a death wish nor am I walking around in sack cloth and ashes.
I thank God that I'm not dead yet.
I don't want to die.
I want to grow old!!
I LOVE THIS LIFE.
I am at peace with death.
It comes to all of us sooner or later.
You don't die because you're bad and you aren't spared from death because you're good.
The span of my life is in God's hands and He is a God of omnipotent love and mercy. I trust Him and I trust His plan.
Today-- I am going to build memories.
I'm going to enjoy this life!
I'm going to spend time loving my family, teaching them, feeling them.
I'm going to write their stories for them!
I'm meeting with a surgeon, an oncologist, and a rheumatologist.
My blood test results came back yesterday and they showed a LOW likelihood that I have ovarian cancer. !!!! Yay!! But, you know what? I don't care.
I don't care if a doctor tells me I have two months to live or fifty years to live-- all that we know for sure is that we have right NOW. And I'm so very grateful for today.
Oh my friends-- if I only had 38 years to live, I would choose to spend my years surrounded by little children, the best husband, and cows with cowbells. I'd have bunnies in my chicken coop and little boys who sneak screwdrivers to take apart my vacuum cleaner.
My life is perfect.
I am SO blessed today, I was blessed yesterday, and no matter what mountains I am asked to climb, I know eternity will be full of joy AND family.
All is well, all is well.
February 14, 2016
I brushed Lily's hair this morning as we were getting ready for church. I didn't have time for anything fancy, I just parted her hair in the middle and braided the two front sections. By the time church got out it had fallen in her eyes.
I'm not the sweetest mother. I wish I was a more cuddley mom and that I always spoke with a gentle, kind tone. I don't, especially on Sunday mornings.
But, tears filled my eyes as I brushed Lily's hair this morning. Sweet, sweet Lily-- she is the one child I can count on to always follow through when I ask her to do something. I love that child. I love all of my children. I love being a mother and I thank God for the opportunity I have been given to spend my days mothering.
Leah came in my bedroom last night to remind me to order the third set of Warrior books. She has read the first two sets (12 books) since Christmas. Her hair was messy and she was a bit sassy. She was wearing her favorite (It's a fox life) shirt with her cute skirt, and I just LOVED her. Oh how I love that freckled faced beauty. I love her spunk, I love her goodness, I love her bravery, I love her mind. I feel so blessed to be her mom.
My boys are superstars. They are the best babysitters, the best cooks, the best helpers. Sometimes they are too rough with their sisters or too sassy with their father, but they are my rocks. I can always count on them. They're strong and good and steady. Everyday they empty the dishwasher before I wake up, without being reminded. They care for the animals. They get good grades. They excel at all they do.
This morning it was -23 degrees and my van had a hard time starting. I only knew because Jakob was out trying to warm it up for me. Drew suggested that we have family prayer. Our neighbor came by to help and our van started right up. Those boys keep me going.
This was a typical Sunday evening. Todd was tickling Eve, Lily, and Ben on the couch. Rocco was waiting for me to throw him his toy.
Ellie was cutting the banana cake she had just baked. Anna was talking to me. Drew was teaching Leah a piano lesson. And Jakob was reading in the basement.
My kitchen was a mess. The living room was littered with stuff that didn't belong. My house was messy. And our home was filled with love. We were together. We are almost always together.
I love my messy, noisy, busy, beautiful life.
My whole life I have tried to make my life less messy and I honestly haven't figured out how to do that yet. But, I have learned to love the mess.
A normal, ordinary, messy banana cake kitchen life is so good.
February 05, 2016
My oldest child just turned 17 yesterday.
Doesn't 17 seem so much older than 16? It's so close to 18 and 20 and manhood...
In a house with many children, those oldest kids are given a lot of responsibility. As an oldest child myself, I've tried to shield him from feeling like it was his responsibility to raise our children. But, that feeling of responsibility just naturally comes. Jakob really does help me raise my family. His example is powerful and oh how I have relied on his physical stamina (especially when I'm not feeling well).
Jakob has always been my social child. He's active at school and has a lot of friends. Since we've moved to New York, he's been home more. I love his calm, disciplined presence in our home. He is a good, good kid.
Jakob sings with the select choir at school, he plays varsity soccer, he's on the robotics team, teen institute, and plays the Guitar, French Horn, and the piano. He has a little angus bull named Mignon that he cares for daily. And, he loves to play a few rounds of Super Smash Brothers with his dad and siblings at night before he goes to bed. (Usually, I put the B Team to bed while the A Team finishes up their homework and the kitchen. They play a couple rounds of Super Smash and I convince them to watch one episode of Blue Bloods with me.)
Jakob is a good cook. He's not afraid to follow a recipe. For his birthday he got a bread cookbook and I'm excited to taste his experiments!
Jakob is really smart. He's gotten straight A's his whole life and is currently ranked 4th in his grade for his GPA. He is independent. I've never had to wake him up or tell him to study or remind him of upcoming events or help him with an essay. This kid was born more responsible than I am. I honestly just watch him and feel grateful that he's mine.
I worry about him too. Poor child has always gotten the brunt of my parenting intensity. I'm never sure that I'm doing things right with my oldest. I get so worried about little things that I have to force myself to step back and see the big picture.
I'm hard on him, maybe too hard.
He's got a lot of responsibility, maybe too much.
He is surrounded by little kids all the time, that's fun and overwhelming at times.
Thank you! Thanks for being the best oldest child a mother could ask for. Thanks for being a darling big brother and a natural peace maker. Thanks for vacuuming the floor anytime I ask and cleaning up the grossest messes that make me gag. Thanks for making me laugh and for sharing your strength when I'm tired.
I brought balloons and a Burger King lunch up to the HighSchool for his birthday. Jakob was sitting at a table with all girls, bundled up in his coat with his backpack on. He said he wasn't feeling well and I felt his head, he was burning up. He said he was sick but wanted to take his quiz in AP Biography. I suggested he come home with me. The nurse had to take his temp and it was 102.
Jakob came home and poured his Oreo shake into cups to share with his little brother and sisters. He collected sheets, pillows, blankets, tissues, and a trash can and made himself a sick bed on the couch. He found Johnny English on Netflix and yelled for me and Ellie (who is also home with a fever) to come watch it with him.
We had wonton soup and egg rolls for dinner because everyone is a little sick.
Jakob, he's good.
I love him.
I feel humbled as my children grow. My body worked with God and Todd to create their bodies, but I did not create their souls.
Jakob came wise.
17 is so close to 18, 19, 20.
It's hard to fathom.
I know that I will miss his presence in our home as he grows up.
You are loved.