The Spirit was so strong as we talked about the Savior. I learned and I know they felt the Savior's love. Just a small example at the grace that so fully he proffers me. Not only does He forgive me when I sin or doubt or cuss, but he still stands with me filling me with his love and so many witnesses that He is near.
I'm somewhat bothered when people say things like the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight or even that we can't have the Spirit when we're sinning. I just don't agree. I think the Holy Ghost is standing guard on high alert when it's midnight. I think His still small voice becomes a little louder and a little more assuring, warning, and encouraging when we're sinning. He never leaves us and we can not leave Him.
My Sunday was busy, and humorously full as you can imagine. My heart is way bigger than my ability to serve.
The Messiah sing-along was lovely. Sitting with my 5 youngest, it was somewhat like a silent but very physical exercise session. Exerting all my kindness, wisdom, patience, and creativity we made it through to the Hallelujah chorus. Hallelujah! My 3 year old found the perfect pauses in the music to blow raspberries, clap, shout hallelujah, and ask "Now is it time for snacks?" My younger self would have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. I could feel the loving glances of the sweet people around me. They really love our family and at least most of them were more happy to see children at an event like this than they were bothered by our realness. At least I hope so.
When I was in the hospital, I was surprised that I didn't just know God was blessing me. I felt abandoned and alone. I felt scared. I felt angry. I felt like my life was harder than everyone else's. I felt all those things and could have cursed God and died. But, I also knew that I could CHOOSE faith. I could choose to testify of God's love, choose to look for his miracles, choose to see the stories around me of many who struggled right beside me. As I chose what I focused on, I felt Heaven pouring out miracles.
Choosing to be faithful in the normal day to day of my life is just as difficult and just as rewarding. I'm again surprised that faith isn't just something I have-- I have both faith and doubt. Faith is something I choose. I know Joseph Smith said faith and doubt cannot exist in the same person at the same time. Christ said you can't serve both God and mammon. I just think they are talking about choices not feelings. Because you (or at least I) CAN feel both forces pulling, we just can't walk both directions at the same time. I used to think faith and doubt were so far apart, but they don't feel that far apart the older I get.
I never doubt God. I do doubt my own ability to serve and endure. I love CS Lewis--
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
Letters of C. S. Lewis (29 April 1959), para. 1, p. 285 — as reported in The Quotable Lewis (1989), p. 469
I also loved this quote by Thomas Jefferson, "Do you not think an Angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this Storm?"
Three quotes stood out to me from our family scripture time this morning-- the Garden of Gethsemane.
Christ says to his Father, "All things are possible unto thee. Nevertheless if thou be willing let this cup pass from my lips." Faith and pleading. I need to do that more.
I might not be able to watch one hour. I might cut off an ear. And, He loves me still.
And oh, those words to feisty Peter-- "That cup that my father hath given me to drink- shall I not drink it?"
I can drink my cup.
I know my early morning thoughts are a bit long and a bit odd. I think my soul just gets jumbled up if I don't take the time to pour it out sometimes.
Thank you for listening.
I see my own weakness and it makes his miracles in my life even more miraculous.
Last CS Lewis quote~
"The miracles in fact are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see."
God in the Dock, "Miracles" (1942)