my babies...

last night lily woke up A LOT.  she was happy, chatty awake from 1-3am.
as i cuddled with her in the living room chair she felt different.
she's feeling more toddler than baby these day.
chunky, solid, bigger, very funny and very determined.
i love it.
but, i miss sweet, tiny baby cuddles.
i can feel time going faster.
my baby is going to middle school next year.

he still needs mom time.
i've found it's natural to cuddle a baby... but, my big kids still crave physical touch.
they still needs hugs and kisses and cuddling even though they fit a little different in my arms
jakob sits close to me and leans.  that's when i know he needs me to ruffle his hair and kiss his cheek and hug him as tight as i can.  he gives me a cute, embarrassed laugh but i know he needs me still.
i love to hug drew right as he's about to be sassy.
he melts when i tell him he's my favorite and remind him what a great helper he always is.
and... sometimes when i'm cranky, he rubs my back or whispers in my ear, and he can melt me too.

my friend valerie has this quote on the sidebar of her blog.
i love it.

Help me understand that there will be NO GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT stating, “Mommy, this is the last time I will sleep in your bed or ask you to push me on the swing or need you to quiz me on my spelling words or want you to play Candy Land with me or tie my shoes or brush my hair or get me a drink.” Remind me never to overlook these moments as ordinary, because as sure as the seasons change, there will be a last time. (adapted from a post by Sandy at God Speaks)

i imagine that in a few more sleeps, my boys will be men and my girls will have girls of their own.
i imagine that i will miss the gangly, teethy, goofy 10 and 11 year old stages.
the lovely 6 and 7 year old hair styles.
the 3 year old logic and confidence.
thumb sucking toddlers.
and, the tupperwares of crayons and water colors that daily find their way to my counter tops.
like the sunshine that is warming up my winter, i can feel our seasons changing.
and, i love spring like i love winter.
but i know that as my babies grow i will never forget those magical newborn moments...
those sweet years of attachment and dependance.
i can still feel my jakob.  i remember nursing him and measuring- his toes just reached my other arm.
those perfect babies, they're still inside those bigger kids.
but you only glimpse their attachment and dependence during sweet vulnerable moments- when they're sick or tired or overwhelmed.
i'm grateful that i really lived and enjoyed the younger years with my children.
the memory of past seasons is a part of me.
because, when jakob was younger i drank him and ate him and held him and smelled him and loved baby mode...
he's a part of my senses... and i can still know him like he was then.
i can find the perfect little guy under the bigger guy's skin.
drew and ellie were my most needy babies... we spent years connected and rocking and cuddling.  they needed me the most.  and they still do.  touching, hugging, cuddling... they mellow with a touch.
anna, she was happy and adored.  she still needs to laugh with me and feel how cherished she is.
"mom!!" she used to say, whenever baby ellie smiled, "Mom!!  Ellie love me.  WE HAPPY FAMILY!!"
leah is my "best friend"... she was the happiest, most perfect baby-- her joy was easier to contain in a baby chair and is a bit more difficult with 3 year mobility... but i still see that joy and want her to feel my adoration not just my frustration.  
and sweet baby lily.  just look at her and she will show you that she knows she's adorable. i hope we always cherish and enjoy her like we have this first year of her life.  she cuddles and laughs and sucks her thumb like a cat purrs.
what a gift these little ones have been in my life.
there is wisdom in seasons.
and today, i can feel the season changing.