climbing.

i LOVED this quote today...
"I believe when we determine within our hearts that by and with the blessings of God our Heavenly Father we will accomplish a certain labor, God gives the ability to accomplish a certain labor;
but when we lay down, when we become discouraged, when we look at the top of the mountain and say it is impossible to climb to the summit, while we never make an effort it will never be accomplished."
Heber J. Grant, Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Heber J. Grand (2002), 37.

every day i have a mountain that i'm climbing.
yes, part of it is having 7 children under the age of 12.
my life is fast and full.
but, even if i didn't have a life full of kids... i know my life would be full of other things.
like you, my heart is big.
we love easily, and thus our desires for goodness are great.

i dumped my brain to my husband last night.
he has a tendency to say, "honey, don't worry, everything will be fine."
and, he's right...
but, he doesn't worry because he doesn't SEE the needs that i see.
as he listened he said, "wow, i think i would be more stressed if i thought about all the things that you think about."
sometimes i try to get him to think like me.
but, that isn't right.
he's different.
and he's great.
and, i'm great too.
even though i see every last thing that i wish i could be doing...

todd said, "I was looking at eve today and i wondered if there is anything we should be teaching her.  I guess she's fine for now, I think we start teaching her things around age 1.  Right?"
i laughed.
i love that man.
i told him what i think every time i look at sweet eve.
i teach her so big (raising her hands above her head), and peek a boo, and how to clap and how to stick out her tongue, and how to eat food, and how to sit upright, and how to fall asleep on her own. 
i think about her ALL the time...
how can i teach her to self-comfort better? 
what should i be feeding her?
when is she ready to sleep more at night?
am i giving her all that she needs?  am i giving her too much?
could i be finished having kids with her?
should i be finished having kids?
if i'm having another baby, when should i start trying?
do i have enough love for all seven of the kids i am already loving?
do i love them enough?  do i teach them enough?  do i give them enough?
do i see their needs?

i think, i pray, i try hard... every day.
some people make mothering look SO EASY.
maybe i just don't know what they are doing... maybe if I were more like them I would think it was easy.
some days are easy.
some kids are easy.
but for me, mothering is NOT easy.
it is VERY, VERY, VERY hard.
honest.
i LOVE being a mother.
i LOVE who I am, who I am becoming, because I am a mother.
i try hard, and I am blessed every day.

and, even though i think and i question and i try... that doesn't mean that i'm anxious or worried or stressed all the time.
because there is peace knowing that God is enough.
that i can't do it all, but He can.
together, we do a pretty bang up job.
i'm a great mother.
todd is a great father.
my kids are great.
and i feel peace knowing that, my mothering mountain is NOT too hard.
that "BY and WITH the blessings of God... God [will give me] the ability to accomplish that labor."
He always does.
and so, life is good.

sometimes, i hate these posts.  it sounds like all i do is say how hard my life is.
and, the truth is, sometimes i feel that way.
today, i am happy. 
my 3 little ones are sleeping soundly, my laundry is almost finished, my house is clean enough...
and i just feel God telling me, "We can climb this mountain together, Jen!  You, Todd and I, we can raise these kids.  We are enough."
and, i need Him.
i needed Him even when i only had one kiddo...
and today, i need Him still.
every.  day.