for just one person (and voodoo doughnuts).

potty break at a homeless shelter... ticking down the minutes.

i read this advice the other day and it has haunted me...
‎"Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia." Kurt Vonnegut

{from this article here- 8 tips on how to write a great story.}
{do i sound stupid if i admit i haven't read anything that Kurt Vonnegut has written?}

can you tell me how to get... how to get to...

is it wrong to admit that i have chronic pneumonia.
this is an issue with me.
i often feel like i am different from everyone.
i don't have one person i can write to please.
half of the time i'm not even pleased with what i write.
and, i want to please people.  really, i do.
the more i know for sure, the more i understand the exceptions.
i feel like God has taken everything that is the core of my belief and showed me the other side.
so that i will understand.
i have a very hard time with absolutes.
i always feel different.  and, i hate feeling different.
not only do i think different from most people-- i open my mouth and tell everyone what i'm thinking.
geesh.  if i could just keep my mouth shut.
even in high school i would try to sit through a class and not say a word.
i wanted to be the quiet, cute girl in the corner.
{because you know the shy girls are always beautiful.}
i couldn't not speak up.
(todd hates that i use double negatives all the time- but, that double negative wasn't for him... it was for me.  and, it works better.  i had to speak up, is a true statement.  but, i couldn't NOT speak up is more true.  hah.)
it's like my opinions burn inside me until i share them.
and, because i don't keep my mouth shut, there is always someone disagreeing with me.
in an honors history class, at BYU, my professor referred to me as "Nifer" (from Jen-nifer).
he would always laugh at my comments saying that i was alone on my soap box of idealism preaching a reality that could not ever be.  (i did get a 100% on my final.)
i often feel alone on my soap box.
at my core i am a peacemaker.

the infamous VOODOO doughnuts!!

my closest friends love me because i challenge them and help them to see a different perspective.
my husband loves me because i expand him.
we are unified-- but we are very different.
because i was raised in a family that to me looks quite dysfunctional.
i challenge everything that people tell me.
i don't have an innate sense of the way it is... i have an innate desire to figure out what is.
what i believe, i believe because i have learned for myself.
i absolutely hate feeling different.
i am so sick of being the "devil's advocate."
i just want to be the girl next door... the normal one.
but, i am not neutral... i am hot and cold.

in a way, i think everyone feels like they are different.
we are all different, unique, individual.
and, that is a good thing.
sometimes i isolate myself.
i tend to keep myself in a box labeled "mormon" or "convert" or "crazy lady with 7 kids" or "troubled childhood"...
i wonder why i need these boxes?
what am i getting from keeping myself different?

oh, the choices!!

the truth is-- we are all so much alike.
even as we are different-- we are the same.
we are all brothers and sisters.
we all have a journey.
we are all learning.
we have all learned different things.
and, we are all lovable.

usually the line is down the street-- thankfully, it was a rainy day so we just had an indoor line...

do you love people?
sometimes i just look at someone and see what their husband or wife sees in them.
i just love them so much.
it is especially easy for me to love other people's kids... especially the rotten ones.
i just watch these little ones trying to figure life out and i just expand with love for them and i HOPE for them.

mmm. VooDoo-licious.  can you see todd's maple/bacon bar?  i got a plain crueller-- i'm plain like that.

i wish i was better at understanding another persons point of view without feeling defensive of my own.
i wish i was better at explaining my point of view without wanting to scream-- i'm smart and i really believe this so stop acting like i'm just a blind, deceived, follower.
and why do i let the hundreds of compliments i receive glide right by me and let the few criticisms i receive hang around like speed bumps in my head?

the coolest thing about voodoo doughnuts was the box.  seriously.
unless you get a kick out of Captain Crunch doughnuts?

i think God made me DIFFERENT because He needs me different.

this is my thing.
it has always been.
i am a transitional person.
someone who will live what i know independent of my circumstances.
even when it's not easy.
even when it's lonely.

or pink sprinkles...   we do love some pink sprinkles.

God knows He can trust me... and He has proved me many times.
we each have a unique role to play upon the earth.
and, if we were each to completely fill our mission-- we would all be a peculiar people.
mediocrity looks similar... greatness looks unique.
i don't want to open my window and make love to the world.
i want to open my window and shine for the world.
i want to write to please one person.

i think that even on the days that i'm not pleased with who I am... God is pleased with who i want to be.
is it weird for me to think... to really believe that on the days when i look in the mirror and wonder who i am, God sees me and knows exactly who i have always been and who i am becoming.
He is my one person.
and He made me different.
i suppose i should just buckle down and be grateful.
i am weird.

you love me weird, right?!