Saturday- meatball subs

Blogging is too hard because I feel like I need to blog my experience and it's still too much.  I can't blog such a life changing experience just yet---

So, I'm taking my nurse's advice and just doing daily goods and bads.

Yesterday was a transition day for me.

I had a really hard, hazy, painful week.

I'm tired and recovering and I feel a bit like I'm drowning.

My nurse, Sue, was my sweet angel.  She cared for me at some of my lowest times.  She held me while I cried.  Her sweet English accent reminded me of family across the sea... Her sense of humor and gentle touch reminded me of family across the veil.  Sue was an angel.

Adrienne took over for Sue at nights.  She has a gift to take away pain.  I never feel better than when Adrienne tucks me in and rubs my legs.

I thank God daily for these and many other, kind nurses and cnas.

Good-

Met with pain team to address nerve damage/numbness in my feet.

Walked three times around the 13th floor using a walker.  I'm not fast or pretty, but I can walk.  (For sometime I thought I would be paralyzed.)

Todd pushed Benjamin and I around in a wheelchair.  We went outside (the first time since he was born that either of us breathed outside air).  I sobbed again. Life is real and it is not too far from my hospital bed.  I prayed with Todd for renewed perspective.  I think I caught a glimpse sitting there on that patio... Life is waiting for my return!

As we walked, people looked at me and said, "Oh, she just had a new baby".  I got so many congratulations and realized I missed that part.  Because my surgery was so intense (and i had thousands of emails I couldn't read), I went right to "Wow! You're alive", and missed the just plain "congratulations, it's a boy".  I loved every compliment he received.

A CNA walked in on Todd in the bathroom.  She was so embarrassed she kept saying "I just saw your feet."

Split a meatball sub with Todd and ate it.  

New meds, some time in the bathroom, a baked potato for dinner, and a great nurse left me set up for a long night sleep-- pretty pain free.  It was a really good night.

Bad-

Still figuring out pain stuff... My back, my legs, my belly, too much, not enough, tired, drugged out, numb, recovering, there is a balance and it's hard to find.

I don't love shots in my belly that still has a big, open wound.

Although my wound is doing so much better than it was (they removed most of the infection/dead skin stuff a few days ago and cauterized the bleeding spot yesterday), it still freaks me out a bit.  

My doctor told me it will take 8 weeks to heal.  Todd is learning to change my dressing.  How do you do this for 8 weeks?

My arms look like war zones.. And they still keep coming to draw my blood...

Someday I have to have my blood clot filter removed... I dread that day.

Just so you know, my husband is a saint of a man who has really cared for every inch of my body and bodily fluids without blinking an eye.  Someday I'll care for myself again...

I decided to stop nursing, for a lot of reasons.  Mainly because of the effort it took.  Ben was fussing a bit after we laid him down and I asked Todd to hand him to me.  I snuggled him into my nightgown and we just laid near each other.  Even though he had already finished a big formula meal, he was rooting around wanting to nurse.  It was a sweet moment for me.  I felt like he was choosing me and I felt like his mom as I nursed him for a short time before he fell asleep.  Even when it's really hard, these moments remind me I love being a mother.