going into labor- the waiting stage.

I think I have officially arrived at a place in pregnancy I have NEVER been before.
Perhaps, I have really been here the past 3 weeks.
I believe it is called the first stage of labor-- 0-5cm dilated, effacing, minor contractions...
I'm still awaiting "active labor".

Because I have been so pregnant for so long, everybody (and their mothers) have told me their "going into labor" stories.
And boy, am I impressed.
America has many "Good Earth" stories...
Women who have hoisted their 2 year old on top of their pregnant bellies and walked for days in a dirt field to induce labor.
Women who have drunk a whole container of Castor oil, given themselves enemas, pumped breasts with no milk, enjoyed/endured intimacy with their husbands, taken labor inducing herbs, visited chiropractors/acupuncturists, cleaned their kitchen floors on their hands and knees, or have endured puking and diarrhea all for the sake of speeding their labor along.
I'm impressed at these sturdy, determined women.
Especially knowing that a 40+ week woman has the natural desire to rest... all the time.
Walking with a swaying pelvis is just plain uncomfortable- and many of the other labor inducing methods that women employ are much more uncomfortable.
American pregnant women are tough.  Really.

Me, I'm only tough on a whim.  Mainly, I'm hesitant.
I have tried just about everything that has been suggested to me.
Nothing has worked.
Perhaps I haven't done everything long enough or hard enough... or perhaps my body just doesn't react the same way that other women's bodies react.
Nonetheless, I am VERY impressed at the lengths women go through to induce labor "naturally".

For me, the past 3 weeks have honestly been a roller coaster of bodily reactions and emotions.
By FAR, it is harder for me to deal with the emotional ups and downs.
I am a planner.  I am organized.  I like to know what is happening and have everything ready and waiting.
For weeks, I have been poised and ready for a late night trip to the hospital.
Every time I get the laundry washed and put away I'm thinking "OK, now i am ready."
My suitcase is packed and waiting... only I don't have enough pajamas to keep the pair I wanted in the hospital packed for 3 weeks.
I've done the "stock the house with groceries so the kids have food while I'm in the hospital" trip- 3 times.
I've lived in the "maybe tonight" mindset.  And, I've woken up to "nope."  For many, many days.
It stinks.

I want to complain. 
I want people to know that it's hard for me to over due... 
But then, people start saying bad things about my doctor and how unsafe it is for him to let me go over.
They insinuate that they know better than me what is best for me.
For me, most people who know me well are supportive of my desire not to be induced. 
People who give me the hardest time live far away or don't really know the situation.
Blah.

Going overdue is, and always was, MY choice.
A choice I have not made lightly. 
A choice I have made not just because I am afraid of hospitals or because I am overly idealistic or uneducated.
I have given birth 6 times.  I know more about birth than most people.
I have been induced 6 times.
When I say I don't want to be induced-- I know why.
I know that it isn't that bad, and I know why it is that bad.
I have had 2 major surgeries-- emergency c-sections that have both saved the life of me and my babies, and put the life of me and my baby at risk.
I know what it is like to heal from vaginal deliveries and from repeated c-sections.

My doctor is helping me birth my baby the way I feel is best.
Ultimately, he has told me for the past 3 weeks that I could call him ANY DAY of the week and he would meet me at labor and delivery. 
I knew he would induce me.
BUT
I really, really want to experience labor.  Spontaneous labor. 
I want my body to tell me when I am ready, and when my baby is ready.
I trust my body. 

I believe that MANY, MANY of the complications that arise during birth happen because women do not experience birth the way we were DESIGNED to experience birth.
I love living in America.  I love the technological advances that we enjoy here.  But, look at the statistics-- one thing America does NOT do well-- managing BIRTH.  We are 30th in the world for infant mortality. 30th.  HELLO!!
Honestly, as I was reading many of the natural birth websites I was rolling my eyes.
People who tend to be more "natural" in their thinking, are also very contentious.  I hate the pessimistic attitude they develop towards the majority.  And, although I learned a lot from reading their literature, I frankly didn't feel that things were as bad as they claimed. 
BUT,
I have been VERY surprised as I started talking to pregnant women.
SO MANY of the pregnant women I know have scheduled c-sections, repeat c-sections, inductions.
Almost everyone I talk to is induced.
Women laugh that they are going to schedule their delivery on a certain day because their doctor is going out of town.
and there are SO MANY c-sections.
If women knew how much better it is to heal from a vaginal delivery NO ONE would CHOOSE a c-section.
NO ONE.
Women say "I can't breast feed because my breasts don't produce milk."  Or, "My babies are too big to deliver vaginally." 
"My sister couldn't deliver a baby, my mother was always induced.  We're just not made for birthing babies."
I know there are SOME exceptions, some abnormal women who might have a difficult time birthing or feeding their babies.  And, I would never want to belittle their experience.
But not MOST women. 
American women are capable of normal deliveries...  and, I am capable of a normal delivery.
I know I am. 
And, I'm CHOOSING to TRY.
Not just for me, I'm doing it for my daughters. 
I don't want them to think "my family can't go into labor."
I come from good child bearing stock.  Pioneer women who came to America and raised large families.
These women could birth children.
And, so can I.  And, so can my daughters.  And, so can other American women.

And so, I have chosen to wait.
To hope that I will eventually go into labor on my own.
That I will labor without drugs and deliver vaginally a healthy baby girl.
Maybe, this won't happen, and I am prepared for that.
But today, I have a choice, and my choice is to wait.
A choice I have made in partnership with a VERY experienced, wise, educated doctor.
The HEAD OB at Texas Tech. 
A man that writes papers and speaks at conferences on how it is SAFER for both mother and baby to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) instead of repeat c-section.
Safer especially for women like me, who gave birth 4 times vaginally with NO problems.
A DOCTOR, who sees the attitude of other doctors and mothers who are quick to hop into surgeries for labors that may be fine without emergency measures.
I thank God daily for my great doctor.

I am confidant, and grateful, and nervous, and excited.
I know that I am making the best choice for me and for my baby.
BUT
being 2 weeks overdue is still hard. 
And sometimes, I want to whine.
The emotional side of WAITING is for sure the hardest. 

Physically, it's just confusing.
I have read, listened to, and watched hundreds of birth stories.
I keep waiting for mine to be like theirs... but the truth is, birth stories don't usually start 3 weeks prior to birth.
And, if they do, I skim till I get to the real "LABOR" part.
For me, "LABOR" this far has been WEIRD and MILD and LONG...
I feel my body doing things, moving, squeezing, spreading...
I feel sore and tired and invigorated.
My blood and energy levels have been surprisingly high.
I really feel great most days... until my body just throbs.
I'm tired- but not as tired as I was less pregnant.
I sleep better than I have in months.  Aside from waking up each time I have to roll over or reposition.
The only real pains I have felt are shooting pains at the base of my belly, and a soreness as I walk.

I have dilated slowly, in 3 weeks I went from a 2 to a 4.  Although I felt stuck at 3cm dilation, my doctor felt that each time he checked me I showed marked progress-- in softening and effacing.  He kept encouraging me that I am doing something and labor is inevitable.  He has always felt that labor will come fast for me.
Why is it so hard for me to believe him?
Because my labor seems weird.
Mainly, my water hasn't broken and I'm not having contractions.
Yes, I feel crampy.  Yes, I feel like a I have a watermelon stuck between my pelvic bones.  Yes, I feel my body full of energy and movement and pressure.
But LABOR?  I don't know.

Yesterday, my doctor stripped my membranes.
I was cracking up.  When he stuck his hand inside me he I told him to be rough.  He was.
He said, "You're definitely a 4."  And I said, "Well, now I am."  He started laughing and I started laughing, and while he was ripping out my insides I said, "4...5...6..."
Just fyi-- internal exams hurt a bit worse when your whole body is shaking up and down from laughing.

I expected that after that exam, I would just go into labor. 
And, if not labor, then at least SOMETHING would change.
bloody show... cramps... contractions...
and, nothing.
i felt fine.
Actually, better than fine.  I felt good yesterday.
I drank some more Castor oil that afternoon-- like 2 tablespoons (don't tell my doctor, he's not a big fan of Castor oil). 
I was just hoping that I would feel SOMETHING different...
I went grocery shopping...
I was up at the school with cupcakes and ice cream...
NOTHING.
It's so weird.
I went to bed that night, not really washing all my makeup off my face "just in case"... again.
and, I was up most of the night with intense cramps.
maybe from my exam, maybe from the Castor oil, maybe the beginning of real labor.
I took a bath and blowed my hair dry-- just in case things were starting to pick up...

In the midst of my cramping, I did start to have some strong contractions in the middle of the night... maybe one an hour.
And these contractions have woken me up a bit- literally.
They've actually continued all day today, at random times.
Heavy, strong contractions at random times.
It's funny the joy I feel every time I feel this pain-- my body is doing something different!!
AND...
I have bloody, mucousy discharge.
Things are happening.
SLOWLY, but surely.

This is not how I imagined labor to be... and really, I know I'm not in "real" labor yet.
I imagined small, tight contractions that came 10 minutes apart and then gradually increased in intensity and length.
I imagined laying in my bed, or sitting in a chair and calmly breathing, relaxing through each contraction.
The contractions I'm experiencing are VERY hard to relax through, because they are random and surprising and intense.
Then, they go away for an hour, or half an hour, or two hours... weird.
My doctor just called me-- as I was writing this.
He assured me that every labor goes into regular contractions.
I just need to wait... 
The cramping, he thinks, came from my exam (but I didn't tell him about the Castor oil).
And, the bloody show and contractions are good signs.
He says I'm progressing and it WILL come to a point where I am feeling regularity.

And so, I wait... and hope.
He did say, "I know how much you want to do this on your own, but I really don't think you should go much past Monday if you don't start before then."
I feel good about checking into labor and delivery on Monday morning--  I just feel like my body is ready to have this baby.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow night...
but, if not...
I really know that I'll be easy to coax into a natural labor on Monday morning.

and so, this is my story.
As I've written this post, I've continued to feel random, strong contractions.
I love feeling my body work.
It is amazing to me.

I do have to add a random post-script here...
God and I have had an odd relationship the past few weeks.
I've been a bit mad at Him because He hasn't pushed my labor along faster than it has gone.
I wanted Him to help me go into labor when my in-laws were visiting... and He didn't.
And then, when my sister was here... still no.
On my nephew's birthday, on my birthday... nope. 
For the past 3 weeks, my body and God, were silent.
One night I was listening to my favorite spiritual hymns and was struck by the song, "I Stand All Amazed."
I grumbled to my husband, "You know, I'm not very amazed right now."
I know that God loves me.  And, I know that God can work miracles.
And, He hasn't. 
He's not AMAZING me right now.
(My husband never really knows what to do with me when I say something like that.)
And, I've kinda stuck with this attitude. 
I know God's there, but He's not choosing to WOW me right now. 
Love you, but I'm NOT standing all amazed.  :)

Today, I'm beginning to feel amazed.
But, not in the way I wanted to be amazed.
I wanted the parting of the Red Sea.
I prayed and God broke my waters... 
Instead, I'm experiencing the Grand Canyon... 
Quiet, gradual, beauty.
Years and years of Godly splendor, majestic engineering.
As I feel my body preparing for birth, my bones opening, my abdomen beginning to contract, the baby inside me wiggling into place...
I am amazed.
The past three weeks I have tried unsuccessfully to trick my body into labor-- and nothing has worked.
My body KNOWS when it is ready... my body is expanding and opening in a slow and steady rhythm all it's own.
My body is powerful... even if I've only felt a small taste of what it can do.
I am amazed at the strength and power of each tightening I feel.
God has not responded to my timetable, nor has he allowed my body to spontaneously contract when I push a certain spot on my calf.
BUT,
He made me. 
He designed me. 
He designed women and the process of creation, and the process of birth..
He blessed me with a body that creates babies, and carries babies for nine months, and births babies, and feeds babies... and this is AMAZING.

Today, I stand all amazed at the miracle that God has given me.
The miracle of womanhood, and birth...  that began centuries ago with Eve, the mother of all living, and continues today with me.
As I experience these beginnings of labor, I truly stand all amazed.
And, with each rush of preparation that I feel, I am humbled and grateful.
I imagine that is how I would feel near the Grand Canyon.
This process that I am experiencing is amazing-- a true miracle.
How grateful I am to be a women,
to be pregnant,
to have had a child in my womb for the past 43 weeks...
to have partnered with God in this creation miracle 7 times!
today I am humbled and grateful and amazed.

ps--  I laugh as I push publish post... who would actually READ this?
want to know the truth?  i love to read your comments and thoughts... love them.
BUT,
i don't write my blog for you... i write it for me.
because i sit in my chair and my head is spinning and i'm not really sure what i'm thinking or feeling or hoping for...
and then, i begin to write and things become more clear.
i see the hand of God in my life.
i understand why i'm confused and determined and excited and worried.
when i'm done with my writing, i know that i could delete the whole thing and just leave the last two paragraphs... but it is painful for me to do that, because then i'll loose my process.
and i really love remembering the hard along with the good.
So, if you read this... thanks.
I welcome you into my life.
And, if you roll your eyes at the seven page essays I write... I'm ok with that too.
Cause, I didn't write it for you.
just sayin.