eliminating chores.

we needed a change.
i've been feeling contentious with my kids lately and they are feeling apathetic.
when i evaluated our problems i saw a unique solution.
the problem...
1.  we aren't together that often, and i felt like when we were together i was constantly urging them to hurry up!!
2.  they were very rarely getting done what they needed to get done.
3.  i was spending money every week on piano lessons that were less effective because my kids weren't practicing well.
4.  my role was enforcer, disciplinarian, nag... "come on guys, get your jobs done..."
5.  i felt my kids pulling away from me, trying to have some time to play without me telling them to do something  else.

and REALLY they couldn't do everything that they were supposed to do.
i felt like they were spending their time wisely and still not having enough free time.
everyone at home just felt heavy laden and burdened with responsibility.
(including me)

so, i BANNED chores.
i made an announcement that i was not going to have them do ANY chores.
i would do their chores for them.
and all i asked for in return was
A GOOD ATTITUDE.
and for them to take care of their own things.
i printed out this list of jobs and taped them to the door leading to the garage...

and i printed out personal sticker charts like this for each child...

i didn't check up on them or give them any reward for completing their chart...
i changed my role-- from nag to cheerleader.
and then i watched what would happen.

at first i was cranky.
my house was a bit overwhelming and i felt angry that it was all my responsibility.
it's not that my kids were really doing so much when they had chores...
(two of them were in charge of the kitchen-- emptying the dishwasher, setting the table, clearing and loading; two of them were in charge of straightening the upstairs living room and dining room area).
but, i realized that i was in the habit of being cranky with my kids when my house was messy.
it was an easy response, "Boys, look at this living room.  Can't you take a few minutes and straighten up?"
even when the living room was messy from my little girls playing all day while the boys were at school.
because i didn't feel dishes were "my job" i would huff a bit if i had to do them.
my kids are very involved in extracurricular activities and they don't get home until late.
sometimes i would do their dishes for them, sometimes their partner would do the dishes alone and then gripe the whole time at the injustice, and sometimes they would have to stay up late trying to finish their job before bed complaining about all the homework they still had to do.

i suppose the biggest change for me was mental--
1.  i didn't feel like it was their job.  so, i didn't feel like i was doing something wrong when i cleaned up myself.
2.  i started appreciating every little thing that they did to help-- because i wasn't making them, they were choosing to help me.

It has taken a week-- but i can honestly say ELIMINATING CHORES IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE DONE AS A MOTHER.

i'm not certain that this a permanent solution.
i do think it is good for children to contribute around the house.
i think that is so important.

my children needed to stop and regroup.
they are not cleaning the house.
they are not in charge of a nightly dish job.
they do not have a bathroom they are assigned to.
they are not mowing the lawn or in charge of the trash.
BUT
they are more focused on their own things-- their back packs, their shoes, their clothes, their messes.
they are practicing the piano a full 30 minutes every day.
they are really great at keeping their clothes picked up and put away, their room is clean, their beds are made.
they have more time to read.
they are busy doing responsible things after school-- without my nagging.
they are happier.

because i'm continually carpooling, i had a chance to talk to each of my four older kids on the way home today.
i asked them what i could do better as a mother.  how could i serve them?  what one thing they could think of that i could do to make their life happier?
all of my kids said, "Oh Mom!  You do so much already.  Thanks for serving our family."
the girls said they wish we went to parks more, drew needs a new pair of church shoes, jakob was grateful that i drove him up some papers that he forgot.
we had a chance to talk about how they are doing...
i said "I see you're trying hard to be kind to your sisters.  What can i do to help you with that?"
it felt SO RIGHT to be a HELP and not a nag.
it felt like we were on the same team.

AND, my kids are SO HELPFUL!!!
i'm shocked.
it has taken awhile... at first whenever i asked them to do something they would say, "Mom, remember we don't have to do chores."
i would cheerfully tell them that they didn't have to help, i was just asking for a favor.
if they helped even a little bit i would make a big deal about it.
in the morning, a few times i have said, "It would be so nice if someone could empty the dishwasher before you leave, if you have time."
can i tell you how AMAZING it feels to have kids that CHOOSE to help out, because they want to?!
seriously.
they used to empty the dishwasher because it was their job.
now, they do it because they know it is important to me.
i am serving them more by not requiring chores and they are serving more by helping out where they can.
it feels SO RIGHT.

and, what about my little, disorganized one?
it is SO SAD to have some children who just can't ever get up early enough, loose all their homework, can't find their shoes, never have pjs to wear, are ALWAYS the last ones in the car in the morning with 6 siblings yelling at them to hurry up... it's a sad life.
i felt my kids feeling apathetic-- why try?  even when i do try i can never do what i need to do...
my kids are too young to feel like failures every day.
i hate that.
helping them focus on these basic things has been so good.

my creators respond well to sticker charts.
i have heard piano keys playing continually...
homework due on Friday is finished on Monday night.
my house feels charitable and hopeful and happy.
it is good.

just thought i'd share my latest twist on family responsibilities.

who knew that eliminating chores would be so beneficial?

hah!  the things i've learned as a mother...

life is good.