contention.

My family cycles.

Recently, I have noticed a cycle of contention.

(i wrote this a few weeks ago...  things are already so much better!)

My kids are mean to each other, cranky and teasing.

I feel them growing older, getting new friends, and drifting from the close relationships they once shared.

As they play less with each other, they squabble more.

My older boys have a bad habit of being unkind to their little sisters in the morning.

The boys are ready first and want to be very early to school so they just hurry their sisters along in an unkind way.

Because the girls do dilly-dally I have been casual in protecting them from their brothers’ wrath.

Finally it hit me—what a HORRIBLE way to start your morning.

EVERY day to have someone nagging you and pointing out your faults.

I will not allow this in my home.

I have noticed something.

It is not enough for ME to be a kind, loving mother.

If I allow my other children to hurt, tease, or tear down their siblings—my love will NEVER be enough.

My home MUST be a safe place for ALL of my children.

1.  EXAMPLE

Of course my example is key. 

My children will learn how to correct their siblings by watching me correct my children. 

“What I am speaks louder than what I say.” 

First, I must control my temper and mimic the behavior I want them to mimic. 

Sometimes I laugh at our conversations—

Drew will scream at Leah to be nice to the dog.

I will scream at Drew to be nice to Leah.

Nice.

I am very aware that kindness begins with ME.

But, I have focused so much on ME that I have been too permissive with their destructive behavior towards each other.

2.  PRAYER

Todd and I felt a distinct impression that we need to remember to always pray for our children individually and specifically.

We try to do this every night in our couples prayer together (he prays on odd days and I pray on evens).

(Take your frustrations to God and your praise to your child.)

Really pouring my soul out to God for my children is soothing.  It changes my perspective and reminds me that I am raising HIS child.

Todd always says that he loves to hear me pray. 

There is great power in a mother’s prayer (I love the blog post i wrote about my Mother's Prayers... because some of my most sacred moments with my children are when i'm praying for them and they may not even know it.)

Hearing my husband pray for my children is also powerful.

I love to hear what he is thinking about, what he notices they need. 

And again, it reminds me that we are a team.  I am not alone in rearing these kids.

!! Here is our great, new inspiration! 

(New this time, we have done this before but have gotten out of the habit.  We cycle I tell you.)

When we say family prayers we have the kids pray for each other—by name.

It is so, so good.

My children are more reverent as they are waiting for their name to be said.

My kids are more aware of spelling tests coming up or sore knees or kids who are trying to beat their old track score. 
I wish i could remember and tell you all the darling things that my kids say when they pray for each other.
it is DARLING to hear what they think each of us need.
i LOVE this habit... i wonder how we got out of it?!

Having my kids pray for each other has definitely helped the unity of our home.

This morning I read a beautiful talk from Elder Henry B. Eyring.

I wanted to shout AMEN as I read these words—

“Give children the opportunities to pray, when they can pray, for each other in the circle who need blessings.  Discern quickly the beginnings of discord and recognize acts of unselfish service, especially to each other.  When we pray for each other and serve each other, HEARTS WILL BE SOFTENED AND TURNED TO EACH OTHER AND TO THEIR PARENTS.”

AMEN!!

This is a true principle.  I have felt it working in my home.

3. TEACH

I had a long heart to heart with my older kids.

Sometimes the older boys feel that it is their responsibility to teach the younger kids- because I am too lenient.

They are more harsh than I would be.

Because they ARE so good- they feel justified in their harshness towards their naughty younger sisters.

Because I rely on them to help and realize that they are still young, I have been too permissive with their ‘parenting’ mistakes.

I can see clearly now... the light has come.  (are those the right words to that song?)

I can see all the obstacles, disappear!!

... It’s gonna be a bright, BRIGHT, bright sun shiny day!

While we were washing dishes, and I was in a loving, tender mood, I talked with my main police officer—Drew.

We talked about leah and how hard she is sometimes.

I laughed when he said she was bad.

I asked drew what he thought his greatest quality was.  (he said, that he is smart.)

I told him I thought one of the best things about him was that he is CONFIDANT.  He really thinks he is smart, and good, and fast, and that he can do anything.  (he agreed with that.)

I told him that he was 100% worse than leah when he was her age.

I told him that he didn’t just scare babies (like leah likes to do), he would claw their faces.

He ran from me into the parking lot ALL THE TIME.

He screamed, in the middle of the sacrament, “I HATE CHURCH.”

Yes he did.  Todd had to drag him out of sacrament meeting that day. 

He pushed his brother down the basement stairs (onto a cement floor).

He peed on the bathmat in the bathroom, often.

If I put him in his room for time out he would pee all over—walls, bed, carpet.

He peed in the grass in front of the church while church was letting out.

He climbed EVERYTHING, often. 

He ate dirt constantly. 

He SPRAY PAINTED my brick home.

He cut EVERYTHING (including the ponytail off the top of Anna’s head).

Don’t even get me started on what the boys did to sweet Anna—yes, they colored her with PERMANENT MARKER—arms, legs, face.

They “made cookies” with ALL of my food storage in the basement.

They made MANY lakes in the bathroom.

Drew especially was a tough boy...

When he was mad, he would go into the knife drawer and grab the butcher knife to kill his brother.

Yes, he did.

That was the day I prayed a prayer of gratitude that he had been born into my family.

I’m afraid he may have ended up a serial killer in another family.  J

Drew was hard, he was MESSY, he was late often, he had a bad temper. 
(I wrote more about raising Drew in this post-- LOVE HIM.  and, i do love him.  i adore this big-spirited boy.)

But, EVERY TIME I wanted to strangle that beast of a boy, I would hear a strong, steady whisper teaching me to LOVE HIM.

I held him close.  I told him he was GOOD and LEARNING.

HE IS GOOD.

VERY, VERY, VERY GOOD.

Today, he is almost a perfect child. 

He is neat, he is responsible, he works hard, he is rarely difficult AT ALL.

He’s great at school.  None of his teachers today believe me when I tell them he was a beast of a young boy.

I told drew that I LOVED him when he was rotten.  I taught him with KINDNESS. and that it worked!

I would not allow ANYONE to break his spirit or make him feel like he was bad.

Not anyone.

And I told him that I would not allow HIM to make his sisters feel like they are bad either.

I asked him what he would do if he had a sister born with only one arm.

If it took her longer to get ready in the morning if he would yell at her and point out her weakness?

I asked him if he would treat kids at school the same way he has been treating his sisters?

Even if they didn’t do their homework?

I told Drew that we are a house full of TADPOLES.

That each tadpole is growing at a different rate.

Some are bigger and can jump, and some are still growing their arms and legs.

I said firmly—THIS IS A SAFE PLACE FOR TADPOLES.

This home is a place where children can learn without being teased.

This home is a place where we can ALL learn and grow without feeling like we are BAD people.

I have repeated this lesson often in my home.

I have reclaimed my dinner table—NO TEASING, at all.

Our house is a safe place for TADPOLES!!

4. SEE THEM CLEARLY!!

Be careful when you are beginning a “no tolerance” policy with contention.

Be careful when you see things in your children that you are going to FIX.

I believe that concentrated parenting is so important. 

Contention in your home is destructive and wrong.

It is good to stop contention in your home.

Focusing on ONE THING that you see needs to be changed and directing your time and energy to that behavior can really make a difference... but do it with awareness and care.

I have experienced many strict homes...

I am not a fan of strict parenting because I think parents often use the reasoning, “this child needs to learn” as an excuse to be abusive or unkind or destructive to a child.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote from this talk, by Quintin L. Cook...

“Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that it was important to distinguish between youthful mistakes which should be corrected and sins that require chastening and repentance.  Where there is lack of wisdom, our children need instruction.  Where there is sin, repentance is essential.”

Keep proper perspective on EVERY issue you are dealing with in young children.

Kids are KIDS.  They are NOT finished yet. 

Truth is, even ADULTS are kids (in the eternal sense).  We aren’t finished yet, either.

Proper perspective gives you the right frame of mind to teach.

Your children are NOT bad or ruined or rotten (even though I do say that too often in a teasing way).

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT, IT IS WHAT YOU SEE.

If you could truly see your children, the way God sees them, you would be AMAZED at their glory and goodness and potential.

Even your hard children.  ESPECIALLY your strong-willed, determined, big-hearted children.

You CAN NOT parent correctly when you doubt your self worth OR their self worth.

I think MOST of the time, young children are just that—YOUNG.

We often expect them to behave better than we can behave.

(How many parents have disciplined their children for having messy bedrooms when their own bedroom was a mess?)

In my mind, the key to appropriate discipline is that you have proper perspective.

DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHILD FEEL EVIL when they are making normal, childish mistakes.

If you can not teach with love and perspective—let it go for now.

I LOVE this wisdom from President Monson...

You CAN’T be right by doing wrong; you can’t be wrong by doing right.

Do not justify your sinful behavior towards your children because they are also wrong..

Two wrongs do not make a right.  (Not even if you are the parent.)

If you can’t teach with love, you can teach your child that tomorrow.

It is easier to teach tomorrow than it is to rebuild a child’s sense of worth and dignity.

Children will misbehave and be unkind and disrespectful when your home is not in order.

Yes, all children need to be taught. 

But, when things are not right with the PARENTS, children will mirror that behavior.

Contention in the home is often a sign that there are other problems that need fixing.

Perhaps there is some underlying sin, perhaps you have just been too distracted to give your family the time and care they need, perhaps your child is dealing with issues at school that you are not aware of.

Contention is a SIGN POST. 

A yellow light that will tell you to slow down and look at your environment.

Be careful that you are not overly strict with the faults you see in your children and blind to the things you need to fix in yourself.

Charity never faileth. 

If you do not have a heart full of charity and love—do NOT fix your kids.

Start with yourself. 

AND, be careful that you do not surround yourself with people who tell you just what you want to hear.

Find good, righteous people who will help correct your perspective.

When you think your child is doomed to utter failure, don’t listen to people who are condemning... find someone who sees the good in your child and can help correct your vision.

KIDS ARE GOOD.  We are full of potential—all of us.

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT, BUT WHAT YOU SEE.

Said a different way, YOU ARE LOOKING AT GREATNESS IN EMBRYO—CAN YOU SEE IT?

Are tadpoles safe in your pond?

Children are not just learning from you-- they see themselves through your eyes.

Being excessively critical of them, or of their father, leads to low self-worth.

no matter what your intentions are, being unkind and overly strict and cruel to your children or those around you has consequences. 

BE CAREFUL!! 

I will also say that I have seen the great, healing power of LOVE. 

Even if you have made mistakes in the past—LOVE can heal. 

TODAY’S LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OF YESTERDAY’S MISTAKES. 

I know this is true.  I have felt LOVE erase years of hurt. 

I have seen LOVE soothe childhood wounds.

Saying that... you CAN teach your kids to be more kind to each other. 

As mothers we not only CAN teach our children and safe guard our homes—we MUST.

5.  PRACTICE.

I learned to parent from my own mother and from Linda Eyre (and from trial and error... I’m still learning).

The Eyre’s have written many books—they used a sorry seat or repenting bench with their children.

I do the same thing.

We have a seat where I send both contending children to.

They sit for awhile until they are calm and then we discuss the problem.

Each child says what they did that was wrong and how they are going to do better next time.

I have my kids apologize and say the words, “I forgive you.”

I also have them hug each other before they can come up.

If my kids are just sassy or contentious with me, I have them sit on the bench and count to a certain number (that is a great, distracting way of doing things).

We discuss how things will be better next time and they go play.

I do not ever start talking or timing or anything if my child is still having an attitude on the bench.

I don’t hold them on the bench or fight with them—I think I may have spanked their leg if they got off when they were little.

Today, they know I am serious when I say “go sit on the fireplace.”

They don’t get up until they have a soft heart.

This is my go to, standard discipline tactic.

If they are out of control, I send them to bed... rarely.

But, we needed something new and improved to combat contention among siblings.

The bench has taught my children to change their hearts quickly.

My kids don’t hold grudges and don’t have any problem saying sorry and making up with each other. 

They are very quick to repent once I get involved.  Hah.

BUT—they were contending too often with each other.

It was too easy for the girls to escalate in their fighting to the point of scratching or pushing... and then just apologize quickly.

My boys too often had teasing pillow fights turn into angry wrestling matches.

Yes, boys will be boys.  And, I do have boyish boys. 

BUT, my house will be a safe house for boys too.

I know that underneath their tuff exterior they are fighting with their brother because they are afraid of getting hurt by him.  Hurt or get hurt. 

Not ok with me.  

They do NOT get in trouble at school.

I think the reason they can control themselves in a school environment is because they are afraid of the consequences.

The fear of being sent to the principal’s office is motivation for them to control their testosterone urges.

I needed a consequence that I could follow through with that would be less appealing than giving into their natural tendencies.

This is what I came up with...

--if my kids are rude or sassy to me with their WORDS, I insist that they say kind things to me with their words.  I tell them they must sing me a song.  We have some great mom songs, “When my mother calls me, quickly I’ll obey, for mother knows just what is best, each and every day.”  “I know a name, a glorious name, dearer than any other!  Listen I’ll whisper that name to you, it is the name of Mother.  Mother so tender and kind and true, I love you!  I love you!  Mother so tender and kind and true—I love you.”  I have them sing to each other and sometimes, if they continue being sassy I make them sing more songs to me.  I do NOT contend with them.  I keep my tone authoritative and FUNNY, even with my teenagers.  I just keep telling them I can’t hear what they are saying until they sing sweetly to me.  Or I start singing to myself until they join in.  I LOVE THIS IDEA!

--20 THINGS!  Do you know that boys hate to write things.  It is tortuous to them.  So, I thought that would be a perfect consequence.   If we are in a hurry, or if they have soft hearts, I let them just say 20 kind things about their sibling.

--vinegar.  When my kids (mostly 5 and under, sometimes the bigger kids) are sassy I tell them to try again.  If they continue to be sassy I say, “If you continue to talk SOUR to me, I will put sour stuff into your mouth.”  I do not often FIGHT my kids.  I do TALK very firm.  I will say, “I’m sorry you talked sour to your mom.  Now you have to have sour stuff in your mouth.  Come with me and open up.  If you do it nice, I will just give you a little bit.  If you don’t open your mouth than I will have to pour the whole bottle in.”  They always open their mouth and I just pour a little medicine dropper of vinegar in.  Hugging them and saying how much I hate it when they don’t talk nicely.  If I notice a habit of being sassy, I only have to do this once or twice before my kids are back to being sweet.  

There is beauty all around, when there's love at home.

Home can be a heaven on earth.

Contention is of the devil.

Often the child that seems to be the trouble maker is actually the child that is hurting the most.

(my mom used to say, "a hurt dog will try to bite your hand when you reach out to help it.")

we must create homes that are safe havens for our family members.

Satan smiles when he can destroy the peace of our home.

In addition to all of our efforts to STOP contention in our home.

MOST of our attention should be on BUILDING good relationships.

Happy attitudes, good music, fun activities... 

family games, family field trips, family work projects can all ADD to our family unity.

i will have a family that loves each other and treats each other with kindness.

it is SO important to me.

Just letting you know that it takes EFFORT.

but, it's worth it.

have a good day!!