ps. to choosing growth.

This is a part that i cut out of my "choosing growth" post... cause it bugged me.
i don't mind if you read it, it just didn't fit with my PhD stuff...

Honestly, it's embarrassing to have a lot of kids.  It just is.

If you have money to dress them nice and get their haircut, it's better.

But still... it is humbling.

"My, you've got your hands full."

and your smiling response... "Oh, Isn't it fun?!!" 

even when sometimes, it's not.

You learn to smile and love 'being different', but sometimes you look over at the sweet little family with one little girl perfectly dressed and completely attended to by mom, dad, grandma, grandpa... and you remember those moments with yearning.

Then someone spills their water glass, and the crowd around you bursts into giggles and you watch as an older sibling cares for a younger sibling and you know that you wouldn't trade a thing.

you smile.

And others around you say, "you're so patient" or "you handle stress so well." and you are grateful for the compliment, even though you would rather them say, "where did you get that darling diaper bag." 

but they won't, because you got rid of diaper bags 3 kids ago.

Anyway, maybe having lots of kids isn't embarrassing to most people out there, but to me, it is.

You can be embarrassed and proud at the same time.

random...

but, i only said that, because i needed to say this...

there is NOTHING more humiliating than to sign up for medicaid because you are pregnant with your SEVENTH child.

doctors start trying to tie your tubes after your second child.

I know that Mrs. Duggar was a LITTLE embarrassed to tell her doctor she was pregnant with #19.

imagine telling him she was pregnant AND on medicaid.

it's horrid.

EVEN if you know it's temporary.

EVEN if you know you are doing what God wants you to do.

EVEN if you want seven kids.

EVEN if you know that you are raising six, adorable, smart, charming, cream of the crop kids.

EVEN if you know you have a hard working, handsome, educated, amazing husband.

it's still embarrassing.

and, you feel like you have to explain yourself to the pregnant 14 year old sitting next to you.

Yes, this is my seventh baby, 10th pregnancy... i have six living children, all planned, all wanted, all from the same daddy, i was married 2 years before i had my first.

um, yeah.  i'm on medicaid.   

it's hard.

and... if we hadn't chosen to come back to school, we would have had something else hard to deal with.

but for me, right now, this is my hard.

and... i am blessed.

and, i can handle this hard, with a smile!

ps.
yup.  i'm pregnant.
3 months.
due in March.
soooo excited!  and barfy.
after i wrote this post i went out on the town to actually sign-up for medicaid.
and, it wasn't embarrassing at all.
not even a little bit.
and, i felt bad for whining.
Then, Todd and I took our little girls to lunch at Rosa's.
and it was SO good.
i LOVE lunch dates with my husband.

and, Todd said that 6 kids isn't embarrassing at all.
i pushed him, really?  you're never embarrassed having a huge gang of kids?
and he said, "Well, if Jakob and Drew punch each other in the middle of church... but most of the time, they're great kids and I'm proud to have six."
and i was humbled.
and grateful.
and realized that really,
my "trials" are not even trials... they're just so many blessings that it is sometimes overwhelming!
and OF COURSE i'd choose this life all over again if i had the choice... of course i would.

and, yesterday, i got an email from the head of the OB department at Tech, Dr. Yeomans.
and, he said he would be my doctor AND that he would try and deliver my baby vaginally.
after 2 c-sections.
isn't that great?!
so... sorry for whining.

pps.  i HATE this post.  i wrote the top part when i was cranky and it haunts me... i've come back to delete it 10 times and i won't.  but just know, i hate this post.  and, i'm really excited for this new baby and i hate that i announced my pregnancy in a rant about how embarassing it is to have a big family.  dumb.  yes, it's true.  but i shouldn't have said it cause it's haunting me...