November 09, 2010

if momma ain't happy...

i was talking to my sweet friend julie on Sunday night and she said, "When I get to Heaven, the first thing I'm going to ask God is WHY HORMONES..."
i love it
Holy Hannah, I am a roller coaster of emotion.
It is painful to be me, I can't imagine living with me.
Sometimes I'm fine... Sometimes I'm a beast.
it comes in waves... good week, bad week.
just look at me, you can tell by my appearence which week i'm on.
last week was a pretty good week...
this week, not so good.

on the bad weeks...
i'm afraid that i'm ruining every relationship fiber i've ever sown.
i pray daily for mercy. 
i try to close my mouth... 
things come out of my mouth that i never, ever imagined i'd say to my children/husband/used-to-be friends...
i'm not as cranky to my friends... cause i try not to talk to anyone.
my kids are driving me crazy.
i don't like them.
i LOVE kids.  that is who i am.
but these days, it's painful.
i HATE that.   
i can't stand the thought of cleaning my house one more time...
i have no patience...
afterschool, i feel like i should just let my kids watch tv the whole time so i don't hurt them with my contentious retorts.
i'm anxious to be doing something and i'm not sure what i should be doing...
i can't make decisions.
i have taken medication before.
medication numbs me... it makes it so i'm not angry, but it also makes it so i'm not joyful.
this pregnancy i don't think i'm so bad that i need medication (although sometimes at night i ask my husband his opinion so i can be sure) 
he laughs and says, "you're fine, you're just pregnant.  some women are worse than you every day of their life."
that makes me feel better, but not completely.
i really wish i could be one of 'those women' who LOVE being pregnant...
for a lot of woman, pregnancy is a high point of their life.
for me, and my hormones, and my blood, pregnancy is HARD.
oh, how i dream of this baby's birthday with grand anticipation.
i know i will be myself again...
after a few pushes.
i miss me.

my poor kids... they are BEASTS. 
they are all fighting with each other...
hmmm.  i wonder why?
the other day i shouted to one of my children.  "I HATE you." 
yup.  i said that.  and, worse, i felt that.
then, in the next breath i said, "I don't HATE you, but you are driving me crazy."
please, nominate me for the mother of the year club.

no, this is not ANOTHER post about poor cranky me...
it is a post where i remind myself what i know.
because, i CAN change things... even if my hormones are pulling me down, i know how to pull myself up.
trust me, this is a skill that i have spent YEARS learning.
but... it only works if i REMEMBER what i know.  and DO what i know.

1.  Early to BED and Early to RISE. 
I can not watch mindless TV at night past 9pm.  I have to start getting ready for bed early and the BEST is if I wake up and exercise from 5:30-6:30am.  Are you surprised to know that I haven't been to the gym in a week?  That I have been staying up wasting time at night... I can't sleep so I go to bed around 12 or 1 in the morning... I'm not.  Cranky comes from choices... I have been choosing poorly. 

I need to pray daily, read my scriptures daily, and ponder on eternal things.  I need to go to the temple and control my thoughts.  Positive, faith promoting stories are good for my soul.  I need to NOURISH my body.  Fresh fruits and vegetables are fuel for my brain and my emotions.  MOST of the time when I am anxious, I am hungry for spiritual food... most of the time when I am crabby, I am hungry for physical food or tired.  DUH. 

3.  CLEAN. 
One of my FAVORITE quotes is by the prophet Joseph Smith.  He said, "Work is the best antidote for despair."  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do...  I have learned that I start with Nourish and move to CLEAN.  I clean my body... shower, get dressed, do my hair and makeup.  Move to my ROOM, then my home.  I ALWAYS feel better when my life is CLEAN and ORDERLY. 
When I'm really down, I can not fathom the thought of cleaning another thing... so I have learned to distract myself.  My favorite distraction is a good phone friend.  Someone who is up when I am down... someone who will laugh at my crankiness and talk to me about spiritual/life lessons.  This is medicine to my soul, paired with cleaning that is medicine to my body.  IF I can't find a phone friend, I love to play a talk on the computer, or my ipod, or to turn on inspiring music.  If I plan ahead, I get a good book on tape to listen to.
Distraction works well.  Work is good for my soul.

The more crabby I get, the more isolated I become.  This is why I have to force myself to get out.  I always feel better when I am out, especially if I am with other people.  So, I plan to walk around the mall and let my girls play at the park there.  Or, I invite someone over.  Or, I have the professor stay home while I bring the kids to music lessons.  Or, I tell him that I have to have an hour out of the house, and I just walk around Ross, or bring my journal and write in the car...  I have one friend who used to call me and say, "Can I come over, I have to get out of the house."  I LOVE that.  For me and for her.  She knew what she needed, and it was always a blessing to have a friend over for an afternoon.   WHY do I isolate myself when I need people the most?  duh.

5.  look for the MOMENTS.
um... read my last few posts.  they are all desires, thoughts, plans... but no lovely MOMENTS.  Why?  because I am missing them.  I forgot to look.  I am not SEEING good, just the hard.  Today, I am going to take my camera out, dust it off, and pray to SEE the joyful moments in my life.  On Saturday I took my kids to get their hair cut.  I've been stressing about their clothes.  Why?  I am not seeing the beauty in them... when i look I'm seeing the to do list of everything they are not.  i'm seeing their straggley hair, their crooked teeth, their mismatched outfits, their complaining and contention...  yes, this is life, but not all of life.  It is a gift to see the JOY in the moments.  Normally, that is instinctual for me.  Today, I am going to pray for that gift and concentrate on it and force myself to find the MOMENTS.  Tomorrow, I'll show you some.  Our life is full of moments... we just need to stop long enough to enjoy them. 

Now, I'm going to dry my hair... yes, i showered this morning.
Put on some makeup.
Give my little girls a great big hug.
Sing a happy song, and CLEAN my house.
and... when my kids come home from school, i'm going to be contagiously kind and happy.

I'm going to REMEMBER what I know to be true.
I'm going to control my own hormones.
and, not only that, I'm going to be the wind that moves my whole home...
just you watch...

even if it KILLS me...  I'm going to have a GREAT day.

Post EDIT-- Thanks Net...  This is the song my SIL was trying to send.  It brings peace and hope.
I think I'll have to listen to it all day long.  (Or at least until bedtime.)  It's Called, "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee."  Oh, how i want to be more like Him...  (definitely at bedtime.)


Lanette said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lanette said...

That was me. I'm trying to figure out how to send this dang link to you, but I'm a little cyber-dumb . . .

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