A pain in the foot.

Just hanging out here...

My physical therapist helped me do stairs... I was in agony the rest of the night.  

My silly feet and legs just need to wake up and get in the game.

Honestly...  They're killing me.

The only thing that helps at all is Jakob's special massage.

Poor kid spends half his life rubbing my feet.

I hate being in pain.

I remember that I used to wake up and my body didn't hurt anywhere.  I miss those days.

Sometimes I pray for just an hour free of pain-- I really empathize with those of you who are in constant pain worse than I am.  It's hard, it wears on you.

I do have pain meds- and without them I'm down and out.  With them, I'm better but not great.

I don't mean to complain-- my life is so good.

I'm alive and I can handle aching feet.

My little baby- he's worth all this trouble.

Life is good!

Do me a favor?  Just feel your body for a minute.  If you feel good, say a little prayer of thanks!  Be grateful for normal!

I'm not sure I was grateful enough.  But, I will be someday.

Boots.

My kids are doing horse back riding camp this week.  I wish I could show pictures, but I have nurses and therapists that come in the morning so I can't go watch the camp.

I love how excited my kids are.

I love that they love their new boots so much they won't wear them in the barn where they do sheep, because they don't want their boots to get dirty.

Leah's new boots light up-- they're cute. But, it was hard to get a light up picture.

I watched Anna with the sheep a little bit yesterday.  I was so proud of her.  Those sheep are big, and she was brave.  Anna doesn't like to be dirty.  It made me laugh how often she wiped her hands on her vest after touching a sheep or even the sheep pen.  Cute girl.

These are my kind of kids!!

Last night I let Todd sleep in our room with me (how I've missed that guy).  I've been making him sleep in the basement, because I'm up all night long and he needed his sleep.  

Last night I did not set my alarm to potty every hour.  I only pottied when I felt the urge and my little bladder did not burst.  I also let my baby sleep.  He slept from midnight to 6:30!!  What a kid!  It was a good night.  It felt like progress...

Today, I'll be doing this...

And I will be happy.

Oh- life is good.

Rollin with the Oldies.

Did I tell you I have my own wheel chair?

And hospital bed, I have one of those too, an old ancient one.

I have two walkers.

I have a book shelf full of medical supplies.

I have a great chair in my shower.

And don't even get me started on compression socks.  Those babies kill my sore feet-- and I have to wear them for a very long time.

My sister in law laughed that she had seen a cute old man with shorts on and white compression socks up to his knees.   Do not laugh at those cute old men-- because that is just what I look like.

And we will not discuss adult diapers.

My girls like to wrap themselves in ace bandages and pretend there is something wrong with them.  They wish they were the ones pushed around in a wheel chair.  I told them, you only want it until you've got it.

I will say, in defense of humanity, I get a lot of kind, compassionate smiles as I'm pushed around in a wheel chair in the midst of my brood of children.  

Thank you for your compassionate smiles.

This is temporary.

And boy is it fun!!!

Blessings.

Yesterday we blessed baby Ben at church.

It was a beautiful, holy day.

Being back at church felt complete- like I had really survived.

I felt the miracle of our situation.

There may be debates about whether or not Mormons are Christians.  I will tell you that over the past seven months I have felt the touch of the Savior through the loving service of many Mormon hands. 

Even if you do not believe the doctrine, having a Church family is a beautiful way of life.  I don't know how people get through hard times without a community of support.  Being back at church felt like coming home.  How I love those people!  I am changed for good because of their gentle touch.  

My sister in law wrote Ben the most beautiful letter.  She put into words everything that I feel about his name and the miracle of his birth.  Maybe sometime I will share it with you.  I guess I'm just saying, naming Benjamin was a really special occasion that I can't really put into words.

I feel good.

--they started a new wrap on my tummy, it's algae.  I was amazed at the healing I could see after only one day with algae.

--my in laws went home this morning.  I can't even express to you how grateful I am for them... For all my extended family and how willing they have been to care for me and my family over the past few months.  I feel so lucky, so loved, and so grateful.  How I will miss them.

--I'm giving myself shots these days.  I feel so brave and they seem to hurt less when I do it myself.

--Ben slept from midnight to 6am last night.  Even though I have to get up every hour to potty, I still feel like I got a pretty good sleep.  

--last week was hard, recovery is hard.  I really think the ups and downs are a normal part of recovery.  I share with you my hard things because they are real.  But today I just feel grateful.

I am getting better.

I do have an adorable, healthy baby.

My kids are all happy and healthy.

I have great insurance, the best home health nurses, a kind mother and a supportive husband.  So many people caring for me.

I'm so grateful for all your supportive comments and prayers.

The day is sunny and my kids are bubbling with excitement because they start horseback riding camp this morning!  So fun.

Really, life is good.

I am happy.

And-- isn't this the best way to make corn butter?!  

My aunt showed us the butter in a bun method and we love it!

Ps-- have you seem my new house?

It's dreamy...

Have a great Monday!!

One Month

It is hard for me to believe that it has been one month since my surgery.

Baby Ben is one month old today.

Thinking about the past month makes me cry.  What a month.  This past month has changed my life for better and worse.

I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.

My aunt sent me two videos- one of Ben in the NICU, he's fussing a little and wrapped in tubes, the other video is me just breathing at one of my sickest times.

Both videos make me cry.

As I hold Ben, I whisper to him that I am his mother.  I tell him over and over "Sweet boy, I am your mother."  I will him to remember me and know me from the time he spent in my womb.  

He is used to one month of being cared for by many different care takers.  I feel guilty for not being there for him during his first weeks when he needed his mother most.  

I hope, amidst loving siblings and grandparents and nurses and visitors, that he knows his mother.  I hope that he'll want me, and that in time he will come to trust that if he cries mother will answer.  I hope I am we'll enough to answer his cries and become a constant in his life.  How I love that little bugger.

I can see the toll that caring for me, my home, and my children is taking on Todd and Grandmas.  It hurts me to feel their exhaustion.  I am so sick of being needy. 

This has been one month-- I'm just ready to wake up back in my normal life.  My hard will heal with minimal long-term difficulties.  My soul aches for people like Stephanie Nielson who have more long-term consequences.  The longer it goes, the more you just wish it away.

Today I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful.  Very grateful.  And yet learning to live my everyday life is hard.  Being patient with recovery is hard.  Constantly needing help from others is humbling and at times humiliating.  

I remember in the hospital my mother saying, "I'm so proud of you Jen, you don't even care that your bum is always showing."  I cried when she said that.  I did care, I just didn't have a choice.  That night I made them put me into scrub bottoms- even though they hardly fit around all my tubes.  The next day Todd went to buy me maxi skirts.  It is hard being ill...

We went to a pharmacy in town that sells fancier compression socks.  I'll need to wear them for the next 3 months.  The woman who helped us with sizes just looked at me with compassion.  I read the part on the box that says, wear these socks if you have just given birth, have just had a surgery, or if you have blood clots.  I seemed to fit all three categories.  As I was pushing my baby out, on top of my walker, the woman held my hand and said "May God bless you with a speedy recovery."  Sweet lady.  

It is funny to me how much of a mess I am.  In public people really stare at me like I am a sad, sad case.  Little kids ask their moms why I can't walk.  One mother showed her young child my newborn baby.  The little girl looked at me and said, "Now I can see why having a baby is awfully painful."  

One month.

Tomorrow we will bless our little man, it will be my first day back at church.

I'm nervous that I will look as sick as I still feel.

Sometimes I think I'm doing great- I hardly feel painful at all.  Then, I let my pain meds run out and I feel like I got hit by a bus.  Nothing like true pain to remind me that I really am still healing.  

I had a suitcase on the floor and decided to kneel down to find my clothes.  Kneeling was not a good idea. I was in such excruciating pain I could hardly stand back up.  As I clung to my walker, I just cried for everything I still can't do and I still felt warmed by all that I can do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is-- I'm SO SO grateful for this past month and also a tiny bit sad that we had to live through it.  

I'm grateful for my today-- and yet it is still very hard.

I love these days of newborn baby-- I've already lost too many days of enjoying my baby because I was sick.  I don't want to lose one more day of his life.  I don't want my recovery to overshadow his sweet milestones.

I feel like a little girl being cared for by her mommy and I'm ready to be a capable, independent mother of 8.  

One month down... And many more to come!!  As Ben grows, I will continue to heal.  And soon he will be cute and smiley and pudgy, and I will cook dinner and be able to lift Eve down from her high chair.  

Time brings healing...  One moment, one day, one month, one year at a time.

We are going to get through this!!

Life is good!

Little Ben and I are celebrating the miracle of life today.

I almost died-- and I lived one month past surgery!

Little Ben might never have made it past pregnancy- depending who his mother was and what choices she would have made.  He might not have lived-- but he did.  He has lived one glorious month and has many months ahead of him.

Months ago, we chose life.  

And today we celebrate the painful reality and beautiful possibility of this first month.

Yes-- LIFE is soo good!

Wednesday

A sweet friend picked me up at 6am to drive me 2hrs away to my doctor appointment at OHSU. (Thanks Jane!). And another sweet friend took my 3 youngest girls from 9am to 5pm.  (Love you, Chris).  Another friend brought dinner for our family.  (Ines- you are a saint.  Happy Birthday!). People are so kind.

I was a bit of a mess going to my appointment- with a catheter that wasn't working, a ziplock full of medicine and my very own wheel chair.

Turns out my bladder is full of disintegrating sutchers (string) and lots of mucusy sluff stuff that clogs a catheter minutes after it's inserted.  So, I'm on my own.  Trying to potty every hour to keep my tiny bladder from getting too full.

I put on real-live panties this evening!!  And, I could wear pajamas!!  

When I first got my catheter we figured out that all I could wear was maxi skirts.  My cute husband went to stores around Portland and bought me about 10 skirts. I felt loved every time I wore one.  

And-- I got a new, fancy walker today.

I went from this...

To this fancy thing...

I got the upgrade for free from a company Love Inc.  Inc stands for in the name of Christ.  So nice.

So-- no catheter!  It is pretty guaranteed that I will need another bladder surgery but that will have to happen in New York because I need more time to heal before the surgery.  Sigh.  I am grateful to be alive and this bladder stuff is something I can handle- most days.  Sometimes it is just one more thing and I cry every time urine spills down my legs into my compression socks.  My mom calls me Sweet Pee.  Ha!

And... Guess what else?!  

We bought a house.

With 10 acres.

White rail fences.

A barn.

A pond.

A big, beautiful pool.

A fenced in small yard with a swing set.

My mother in law says the house is so cute and in such a well manicured condition it is like a real-live doll house.

The house itself is smaller than our house now, but it is still big and will work fine (2400 sq ft not counting the finished basement).  If we want to renovate later it would be easy for us to make the kitchen bigger or add on a few bedrooms (it has 4).  

I feel like this house is a real blessing.  If I were to draw my dream house, I think it would look like this house.  I think it's funny that that God is blessing us with a beautiful home and barn and land for horses or cows or sheep, and I can still barely walk.  Sigh... I've got a ways to go until  I'm healed- but it's coming.

My mom cares for me so well.  I can't even tell you how grateful I am for her.

Tonight Anna watched my dressing change.  I'm surprised she wasn't grossed out- I am.

(Yeah-- I know these pictures are pretty gross.  Sorry.)

My family is darling.  I love being home.  My baby is the sweetest fella ever.

Life is good.

I told Todd all I want for Christmas was a real-live pony.  :). I could hear his sigh over the phone... He's thinking 10 acres might be worse than pregnant guinea pigs.  Ha.  

Sorry I'm talking so much about myself these days...  I am a bit self focused.

Well- focused on myself and my cute baby.