Oh Baby!

Oh baby...

Coming Back to Life.

I have so much to say, my heart is full and still, my mind is hazy as I try to type.

My body was very, very near death.

As I was clinging to life, I felt the power of God-- the power of family, friendship, sisterhood, healing.

There is power in physical touch.  There is healing in the squeezing of a hand.

Thank you for being with me and pulling me through this.  I could feel you.  Your faith and love is pulling me back to life.

I used to think coming back to life was your Spirit re-entering your body.

It's not.

My Spirit has always been here, it is the same, if not more.

My body is slowly coming back to life.

My bowels are waking up... Hooray!

My legs lost their physical ability to move and lift... It is amazing to feel these functions returning.

I lost so much blood and the main arteries to my legs blew out and were cauterized.

My whole body was sliced open- what an amazing experience to feel my sensations returning.

Despite the pain, or even perhaps because of it-- feeling your body come back to life is an awesome experience.

I am currently coming back to life and it is  miraculous to behold.

A Father

It was a holy space there in the trauma ICU.  My husband, my father and my aunt worked together with Drs and nurses. Each had a spot and each renewed and strengthened one another.

It was beautiful to experience.  

My dad would spend most of his time with baby Benjamin.  He'd quietly slip in during shift changes to pass on reports.

I heard him talking about Benjamin's special glow.  He whispered "there is just something about him.  He is going to be great someday, maybe the next president."

They had recently removed my breathing tube and I whispered- "No, not president.."

Everyone looked at me and I whispered, "a father.  Someday, he'll be a father."

My dad added, "He'll be a really great father."

I'm so grateful for great men and women.

My pain is becoming more manageable.

I walked the length of the hospital room.

I had a faulty drain fan that stopped working and opened my belly incision.

I grew compassion for the Thanksgiving turkey as I was unstuffed, restuffed, re-suctioned.

It's always a shame when the nurses show up AFTER the hard time to give pain meds...

(The answer to all prior inquiries about hair removal before a nominal surgery is-- wax everything off.  Because it is a painful process.)

My MIL, my mom and my kids visited.  I spoke with a few very helpful trauma/children therapist.  Sometime I'll share what I llearned.

Have a great day-- Life is good!

(this is not a true family picture!!  Ben is still in the NICU and lily is holding a doll.)

Someday...

I <3 guinea pigs

Want a good laugh???!!

While I was in the ICU-- the one remaining guinea pig we had, gave birth to SIX more babies.  (she got pregnant by one of her children)

Ha! 

Todd was not as amused as I am!

Sunday- zero gravity

Yesterday was a gift!! 

Thanks to angels both living and dead.

I spent 2 hours in the zero gravity chair doing kangaroo care.  Those were the first pain free hours I have spent since Ben was born.  I felt peace as I flipped back to gravity.

There was soooo much divine symbolism in that rest.  Todd had promised in a blessing that as I looked into my baby's face all trials would fade into mortality and I would feel intense gratitude and perspective.

I thought that was a one time event.  I have learned that finding holy places, where I can look into ben's gentle, grateful, eternal soul have renewed me again and again.  Like visiting the temple or partaking of the sacrament.  I shout praises to a God of miracles who took interest in this one, very painful, very blessed  momma.  He has given me a way to press pause in the midst of my endurance

I am tired- so I can't blog well and I fall asleep while people are talking to me.

my blurry brain makes autocorrect tortuous. (sorry)

My feet/legs have been extremely swollen and feel like knives stabbing.  It scares me- although pain is to be expected.  Perhaps even long-term. Yesterday, my two middle toes felt better. Two of my toes that have felt like they were wrapped in rubberbands- felt better!!

My aunt said immediately following surgery I would cry that about my arms aching.  Wha??!!  My arms feel fine!

Drs continue to be amazed at my positive progress.  We started a list to keep track of successes.

As I was visiting with one of my favorites (dr w).  I jokingly asker her what she had done to me.  She smiled and said- "not me!  You choose this.". I laughed and felt a little more of my "just watch me survive" natural grit

Yesterday--

I felt no pain for two hours!!!!

And--

I can feel my body getting better ONE TOE AT A TIME!!!!

Life is beautiful.

Take time for your own zero gravity renewal.

Another Miracle

Someday Jen will write about all of the miracles we have experienced here at OHSU.  We learned of one more yesterday.  

In a leg ultrasound shortly after her second surgery, while in the trauma ICU, they discovered a few blood clots in her legs.  It would be fatal if a clot reached her lungs.  The doctors wanted to put a filter in the main vein leading to her heart to catch a clot if one left her leg.  They scheduled the procedure for the next morning.  

A few minutes later, the doctor who was to perform the procedure wanted to speak with me.  He said that he could perform the procedure now if it was ok with me, that he could not rest knowing that he could do it now, if anything happened during the night.  

See that picture below?  Yesterday that same doctor came to our room to show us the x-ray of her filter taken a few minutes after it was inserted, to make sure it was properly placed.  They inserted contrasting dye to improve visibility.  In the image you can see the three-pronged spidery metal filter opening down.  See the white shadow stuck in the filter?  That is a blood clot, caught on the filter.  The doctor wanted to show us that the filter was working and to stress how vital it was that it was inserted that night.  We are thankful that he listened to that smal impression telling him to put in the filter without delay.  We are truly blessed!

And here's a pic of little Ben this morning...So cute!

Before the surgery.

Benjamin William was born!!

It was a beautiful, miraculous, happy day!!hy

They let Todd go into the OR.

we had that sweet, you've had a baby!!

June 12- alive!

My legs are swollen like two smoked sausage links.

I have dried boogers and earwax of deep red blood.

I have held my baby twice and have been shown pictures of him, but today was the first time I actual was able to see him.  (My eyes were so blurry that I couldn't focus on small details.)

Today. As I was climbing into bed, I caught a glimpse of his picture and I was in awe-- he is beautiful.

Beautiful and ours.

Todd and I make beauty together.

No man should ever have to do what Todd has done the past few days.

My nurse said that she only knows a few times in her years of working in trauma ICU that a patient was admitted with two nurses treating her.  I had two nurses.

She said this morning that other nurses went down the list.  They were all surprised when they saw my name saying, "Wow, she's still alive."

Yes, yes I am still alive!!

(you know it's not good when a trauma intensive care nurse is surprised.)

And it is going to be a long, LONG, hard road to health and healing.

But, I'm going to get better.  Do you know how I know?

Today-- I pooped!

Yes. Last night was my most panicked pain-filled experience...

This morning I awoke without pain.

I got out of bed, I pumped (as in breast feeding pumping) and I ran my first shuffle around the bed shaking leg marathon.  (Next lap around the bed will be my "lengthen my stride" marathon shuffle.)

Then, the nurse flushed my catheter and was helping to position me back into bed.

I got really bad gas pains (my bowels are still in shock and so we're waiting for them to wake up.)

As they were lifting me I passed the loudest gas ever.  I was so embarrassed. But very excited.  

It smelled horrible.

Then, my eyes got huge with surprise as poop spilled out of me-- right there on the bed-- onto the pillow.

(Good thing those pillows have plastic wrappers- next time you might be laying on my poop pillow- lovely.)

I felt diarrhea ooze out of my bottom again. I said with alarm, "I'm pooping!"

She said, "you're not pooping?  It's gas."

I said, "it is poop!"

We both smiled and I knew, sitting there in my own diarrhea that everything was going to be ok.

Todd had been up with me all night- he finally left my room to sleep once I woke up and convinced him I would be ok without him.

He was sleeping- but all I wanted was to tell him that I did it-- I pooped!!

I knew he would say-

He isn't surprised that I'm still alive.

He has never doubted we could do this.

And today I believe him.

Life is so good.

June 11

6:05 pm

Jen got to feed little Ben today! She is making slow but steady progress.  To keep her lungs strong she gets to blow into a special barometer.  Her next favorite activity is flushing catheters.  So much to enjoy in the trauma ICU.

June 10

1:50 pm

Hooray!  Look who got out of bed today! She is smiling for the first time in a while. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and uplifting comments.  I know that Jen will have plenty to write about when she is able.

Kaela's Update- June 9

Kaela here again! Here's the update as of Sunday evening:

Jen was extremely happy yesterday after surgery. We have video's of her saying, "It's a good day to breathe!" And asking for some 7-up. I wasn't there, but the picture of her holding Benjamin for the first time brought happy tears to my eyes. They are truly a miracle!

She was anxious to get off her respirator, so she could talk to her kids as soon as possible. We were told it would probably be 2 days before she could breathe well enough on her own, but once again, our prayers were heard and she was able to get off it in record time. A respiratory therapist stopped the machine to see if her lungs could handle it...they monitored her oxygen levels and a couple other factors and needed her overall score to be anywhere under 105 to be able to remove the respirator completely. Her score was 14...yet another miracle!

We were given another detail about her first surgery on Thursday. The doctors had previously inserted balloons into her main arteries from her uterus down to her legs on each side. The balloons were a precautionary measure to help her from bleeding out during the surgery. Unfortunately her hemorrhaging was so severe that the balloons couldn't handle it and the doctors were forced to completely cut and cauterize those main arteries in her groin/legs. This means that her body will need to create new paths to get blood flow to her legs/feet. They are monitoring her pulse and blood flow in her legs and feet closely. So far, she has one cold foot and one warm foot, but doctors are optimistic that her body will continue to compensate. This was a reminder that Jen has a long road of recovery and healing ahead of her. She has said over and over these past few days how grateful she is for her body, and that she can feel her body working hard to heal. Prayers in this area would help!

Another big concern is infection. Even when Jen was out of surgery from Thursday night to Saturday morning, her body was still open and exposed. When they finished surgery on Saturday, her body was still too swollen to close up all the way. So, they will still need to finish closing things up. But since then, they have taken 5 of the 7 lines that were used for getting blood into her body (including the jugular line that was the size of a hose). So that made Jen a lot more comfortable and assured her that the fear of bleeding out again is minimal.

This afternoon (sunday) she hit her first big rough patch. Our poor girl has been pretty miserable. She got very very nauseous and the nausea medicine was not helping. Doctors were able to see that her intestines hadn't started working yet so all the fluids and gasses that had accumulated in her stomach were making her sick. They were able to insert a tube through her nose to her stomach to remove it, which eventually helped her nausea, but the doctors are concerned about her intestines and other organs. Until they can function properly, she has to keep the tube to her stomach, and is only allowed to eat ice chips. Jen has asked specifically for our prayers on this matter.

Also, doctors found a couple blood clots forming in her groin. Since blood thinners are out of the question, doctors are going to surgically put filters in to catch any loose clots. She is being prepped for this as we speak. This procedure isn't life-threatening, but the clots are, so we are grateful that the doctors are doing this sooner rather than later, leaving her with less of a risk. The procedure will take about 2 hours.

Again, we are so grateful for the amazing doctors and nurses who have saved Jen's life. They are her angels, and we love them deeply.

Jen wanted me to tell you all how grateful she is for your love, prayers, and concern. She has mentioned multiple times that she feels your love and prayers, and she is so grateful. We, as her family, are so touched by the many people who love our Jen. How grateful we are for your love. We have seen amazing miracles this past week, and we are grateful for your contributing prayers and thoughts to make that happen. Tonight, when Jen was really hurting, Todd sat down and read her your sweet notes and comments. It really helped her calm down and distract her. We are so grateful for you all! Please feel free to write her notes of love and encouragement below in the comments, and we will be sure she hears them!

So, as of tonight, our main goal is to help Jen be more comfortable. She has had a really hard day and it is hard to see her so miserable. Benjamin is still doing well! He is truly a miracle baby! Again, thank you all for your love and prayers. Miracles have happened this week, and we are so happy to have our Jen. Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she begins this long road to recovery!

June 9

4:45 pm

Rough day today.  Her bowels are starting to work again, causing some vomiting.  They have inserted a small line through her nose to her stomach to keep it relatively empty until she can safely drink.  For now she is limited to an occasional ice chip.  :(

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers!

June 8

4:45 pm

Today just got better...

And thanks to Jen's cousin Kaela for her update!  

11:00 am

Jen' surgery was a success!  They are not planning on doing more.  Now it's just recovery.  And little Ben will get to visit Mom in the ICU once she has rested a bit.  Today couldn't get any better!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES- June 8

Hey all, it’s Kaela, Jen’s favorite cousin ;)

I wanted to write a quick post updating you all about Jen. 
Just a note, this is the update from my point of view…I am not in Oregon, so all of my information has been relayed to me, sometimes through a grapevine. Because of that, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my story was off base. Just remember that this is my update as of now (Saturday morning), but Todd may have to come in and correct some of my facts.

Written Saturday June 8, at noon:

Jen is out of surgery! It went as good as it could go, and it looks like she has completed her surgeries. This has been a massive miracle, indeed!!! Now its just time for recovery! She is still on a respirator, and is hoping to get off it as soon as possible so she can talk to her children. She has asked for our prayers that she might be able to breathe on her own as soon as possible.

Again, we have been so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, prayers, and support for Jen. All of us have followed your comments on her blog and facebook, and we are so touched by the many people who care so deeply for our Jen. I know she will be happy to see your comments of love when she wakes up. Please continue to send love and prayers in her behalf, they do not go unnoticed.

Written this morning before surgery:

Let me just start off by saying, my cousin is one tough cookie.  

Baby Benjamin was delivered on Thursday morning. From what I know, the c-section went smoothly and Jen was able to see him before they put her under to begin working on her placenta. Even early on, Ben has shown great signs of good health and strength. He weighed 5lbs 5oz at birth and measured 19inches. We hear that he’s already gained 5oz and he should be getting off CPAC today.

Jen began surgery immediately after the c-section. She was in surgery for about 11 hours that day, which was longer than they expected. The bleeding was hard to control, but we have realized over and over again how amazing her doctors are. We have said many prayers in their behalf, and how grateful we are for their caution and expertise. It is because of the many precautions and their preparedness, that Jen has made it this far. 8 hours into her surgery we heard that they had already given her 76 units of blood….I don’t know what the count is now. Thursday night, after the trama team was brought in to work on her for a little bit, they decided to stop for the night. Her lungs were swelling and they wanted to give her body a chance to recover as much as possible. We heard that they might resume surgeries throughout the night, but her body was healing so well that they decided to wait until the morning. On Friday morning, they decided it would be best to let her rest for another 24 hours.

We have heard multiple times from the doctors that her body is handling everything amazingly. Because she is strong and healthy, she has put up a good fight. Her heart is strong and because of that she has been able to handle the stress on her body.

That being said, there have been some scary moments. Though she has been stable, she is still in the ICU in critical condition, and it looks like she'll have a long road of surgeries and recovery ahead of her. On Thursday night, the surgeons said that the goal was to keep her alive for the next 12 hours, and that that would be a miracle indeed. If she was able to make it those 12 hours without any major complications, plus an additional 12 hours (24 hours total, to friday night), then we would all be able to sigh in relief. We were all found on our knees multiple times in those 24 hours, and our prayers were heard. It has been a blessing to see the many people praying and fasting for her…so many people petitioning for her to stay. There is no doubt that miracles have happened. I have seen God’s hand these last two days, and I know that He is ever a part of this process.

When she’s not in surgery, Jen has been awake and coherent. She can’t speak, but she has been doing sign language to communicate. The anesthesiologist warned that after such a long surgery, she may have experienced some emotional trauma or memory loss, but she was her same ol’ self and very aware of her situation. She asked if she was in the ICU, how many units of blood she needed, and all about Benjamin. She has been able to tell nurses when she is thirsty and hot. She’s even cracked quite a few jokes! She is such a trooper! (She also asked us to update her friends and blog readers.....She sure loves you guys!!)

So…as of now, she is scheduled to start surgery this morning (I believe it already started, but I have not heard). Please continue sending prayers and love her way…she still needs them. From my understanding, the priority is to control the bleeding. I believe the placenta has been fully removed, but there is still clean up to do. I also heard that they had to take more of her bladder than they expected. 



I WILL CONTINUE TO POST UPDATES AS I HEAR THEM!!!

the night before surgery

p.s. I also wanted to note how wonderful Todd has been with Jenifer. Everyone has commented on what a sweet, loving, and doting husband he is. He has handled this situation with strength and faith. He has often been found holding her hand and whispering love and encouragement to into her ear. We sure love that Todd, and know Jen is in good hands!