eve's birth story.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I was 42 weeks and 3 days overdue with my seventh child.  I had been dilating and having random contractions (not more than one an hour) for the past 3 weeks.  I really, really wanted to go into labor without being induced-- so I was not excited on my trip to the hospital.  I had been induced on my previous six births.  The first four I delivered vaginally with an epidural, and my last two were emergency c-sections.  I had a wonderful doctor who was willing to attempt a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 c-sections)... and I was hopeful, but nervous.  I knew that my best chance for avoiding another c-section was to not be induced, and to not have an epidural.  In preparation for a natural childbirth, Todd and I had ordered hypnobabies home study kit around Christmas time.  We were pretty good at studying together and I listened to a hypnosis track almost every night in the months leading up to this day.  I was never fully converted to hypnobabies-- I'm not a big "light switch" fan and I had a hard time feeling that any of my visualization techniques were really helping.  I was very hesitant to tell people that we were planning on using hypnosis during birth.  I discussed things casually with my doctor but was hesitant to present him with my birthing plan because I didn't want to be offensive to him.  And, I was NOT going to post a sign on my labor and delivery door announcing a hypnobabies birth.  But, listening to the tracks was very relaxing and interesting to me and I really did do my hypnobabies homework.  I would say I was a hopeful, hypnobabies sceptic.  My husband on the other hand LOVED hypnobabies.  He would often listen to the relax track to fall asleep at night.  He was a firm believer and told anyone who would listen about the program.

7:15 am-- We arrived at the hospital.  I still wanted to change my mind about being induced and go home.  At the nursing station I told them I wanted to go natural and asked for a nurse that liked natural births.  The two nurses I got were very young.  One said she had only seen one other natural birth and that she thought it was neat.  I also had a student nurse ask if I minded if she watched.  She had never seen a live birth before.  I changed into my hospital gown and they hooked me up to an IV.  My doctor explained that because of my previous c-sections they were going to start out the pitosin very slowly. 

8:30 am-- They started dripping 1 mL/hour of pitocin into my arm.  I began having regular contractions about one every 10 minutes-- very light, but regular contractions.  After 30 minutes, he upped the pitocin to 2 mL/hour.  The nurse told me that for a VBAC they would not go over 20 mL/hour... for a regular induction they may go to as high as 30 mL/hour.  My doctor continued to up the pitocin one mL every half an hour.  He had a meeting at 11:30am and predicted that my baby would be born before then.  Everything was progressing so nice and slowly I told him I thought he would be able to go to his meeting.  Both my doctor and the nurses asked what I was listening to on my ipod.  I let them hear my "birthing day affirmation" track and Todd explained a little bit about hypnobabies.  My attitude was still, what can it hurt?

11 am-- This is the first time I was checked.  I was 6 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  They were dripping 6 mL/h of pitocin into my arm and I was having regular contractions.  I was listening to easy first stage hypnobabies track on my ipod.  And, this is where I sound weird.  I can honestly say that not only did my contractions NOT HURT, they felt good.  For real.  I had been wanting contractions so badly for the past month, that when I finally felt my body contracting I was so excited.  Before every contraction, I would feel this sensation wash over my body.  It was almost like getting the tingles-- and it felt good.  I knew I was about to have a contraction and I could prepare myself for the approaching tightening.  If I focused on breathing with my belly, I was able to alleviate any discomfort in my abdomen during the contraction.  And, the contractions were so regular that I always had time to rest and laugh with my husband and the nurses before I would feel another one coming on.  I kept thinking of my hypnobabies birthing day affirmations and laughing at myself "after each pressure wave ends you smile knowing you are closer to meeting your baby."  For real, that is how I felt.

12:15 pm-- My doctor was at a meeting and an on call doctor came in to check me.  On the monitor he could see that my baby's heartbeat was dipping low with each contraction.  I was 9 cm dilated and  fully effaced.  They had stopped increasing the pitocin and I was receiving 8 mL/hour.  This doctor felt that I was probably ready to deliver.  He said it was the fastest labor her had ever seen.  I felt like I still had some time.  Up to this point I was still REALLY enjoying my birthing experience.  I kept waiting for it to get hard.  The contractions were getting harder to manage.  I really had to concentrate on what I was doing to be sure they didn't hurt.  I wish I could remember more of what I was thinking, but I can say I never hit "transition" where I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.  It really wasn't even that hard yet.  But I will say, it was around this time that I announced, "Do you remember those other labors when I said my epidural didn't work?  I lied."  I knew that the pressure I was experiencing was something that I had never felt in any of my previous births.  I kept listening to my ipod and breathing through the contractions.  I was waiting to feel my body telling me it was time to push... that never came.

My doctor came quickly from his meeting and checked me.  He said that I was very dilated and that the water sac was between my baby's head and my cervix.  I had no pressure on my cervix.  He was hesitant to break my bag of waters because he could not gauruntee that the cord wouldn't prolapse.  Because the baby's heartbeat was dipping with each contraction and she was still not engaged in my pelvic bone, he was pretty certain that she was tangled in her cord.  He told me it was time for me to push.

This was the only time that I went a little anxious.  I really had to pee.  I kept trying to get my doctor to let me go to the bathroom.  He told me to just pee, but that I couldn't get up because I had no cervix to hold my baby inside of me.  He wanted me to push and I was certain that I would be able to push better if he would let me sit on the toilet.  He was not so excited about delivering a baby on the toilet.  I also remember asking to take off my dumb blood pressure cuff.  He said that was fine, considering my blood pressure was so low.  And, I took off the oxygen monitor that was on my finger.  I really needed to concentrate with every contraction.  My student nurse had a friend that also wanted to watch my delivery.  I told them I didn't mind if they came in, but they could not talk at all.   My husband was very present, but very much an observer.  Once he tried the hypnobabies cue-- putting his hand on my shoulder and saying the word "Relax".  I started laughing, right in the middle of a contraction.  I just told him, "Thanks, but not so helpful."  We laughed together for a minute.

Many people say that they loved the pushing stage.  Not me.  It was by far the hardest part of labor for me, even though it only lasted about 30 minutes.  I had no pressure on my cervix, because of the big, bag of waters that was between my baby's head and my cervix.  Also, because I was laying down I really had no pressure at all on my cervix and no feeling to push.  My contractions were really strong and long and intense.  I felt nervous and confused.  My doctor told me to push and I did.  My husband said he could see the bag of water start to come out.  It really helped me to have him tell me what was going on.  My doctor said, "Jen, you really need to push now."   He was worried about the baby's dipping heart rate.  I pushed a few times and was really grunting as I pushed.  After I would grunt, I would apologize for being loud.  Everyone was laughing at me telling me not to apologize.  In between contractions I was worried that another laboring mother would hear me and be scared.  My doctor said, "Oh Jen, we put you far away from any other mother."  I think he was joking.  Another contraction and another push.  My doctor said, "Stop trying to breathe out the baby and just give me a big push."  I pushed big and the water came out.  Later my husband told me it looked like a baseball-sized, latex glove that was full of water that protruded out from my cervix.  The bag pushed out and then burst, in the next couple of minutes the head came out and my doctor said, "Slow down your pushing."  I remember just pushing hard and thinking, this does feel like a big poop.  I really didn't know what was going on so I appreciated my husband's narration-- "The head is right there.  Now the head is out.  Wow Jen, you did it."  I just pushed really hard.  When my doctor told me to go slow I thought, "Yeah right."  I pushed the water, and the head, and the body all in one push-- I didn't stop when the contraction ended.

1:22 pm-- Baby eve was born.  I just wanted to see her so bad.  They were untangling her from her cord and I could hear her cry.  They handed her to me and I just remember thinking how darling she was, and how I couldn't believe I had just given birth to her.  I really did it-- I was induced and didn't have an epidural.  As I held her I didn't feel this amazing great feeling that many people describe.  But, I just felt normal.  I didn't feel like I just had a baby, I felt normal and that was surprising to me. 

Delivering the placenta and getting my one stitch was probably worse than my whole labor.  It just hurt and I wanted to be left alone with my baby.  Eve was bright eyed and she nursed for 15 minutes on each side right after birth.  I was able to get up and go to the bathroom.  I stood by her when they weighed her and bathed her, and I felt good.  My husband was so excited.  He kept commenting about how amazing the birth was and how quickly I was up and at it.  The nurses said they had never seen a birth as calm as mine.  My doctor said, "You really have a high pain tolerance."  That made me laugh, because I don't. 

I couldn't believe that it was over.  I had given birth vaginally after 2 emergency c-sections without an epidural.  And, it wasn't even hard.  I think I was in shock.  I kept waiting for natural childbirth to be the excruciating pain that everyone talked about, and for me, it just wasn't that bad.  Pushing was frustrating but not horrible.  Later, my doctor told me that if he had broken my water I would have had to have another emergency c-section.  Eve was wrapped all up in cord, it was around her neck and her body.  Because the water was intact until miniutes before her birth, she was never laying directly on her cord cutting off her blood and oxygen supply.  Both of my previous c-sections were due to cord issues.  And, prolapsed cords due to artificial rupturing of my membranes.  My doctor said, "If you have another baby, do NOT let them rupture your membranes."  I am so grateful for a wise doctor who induced me slowly, and let me labor as naturally as possible. 

I also have to give credit to hypnobabies.  My birthing experience was beautiful.  I'm certain that hypnobabies played a huge role in alleviating my fears, keeping me calm, teaching me how to handle each pressure wave and re-programming my mind to feel joy not fear with each contraction.  Although sometimes I felt silly practicing my self-hypnosis, I really used each of the techniques I had learned about sometime during my birth experience (even the light switch).  I was grateful to have ideas of how to stay calm.  And, because I was induced and hooked to an iv, all of my laboring was done in a hospital bed.  Even though I was unable to move around, I was able to avoid pain by keeping my body calm and relaxed.  Today I would say my birthing experience was pain free.  But, I do remember thinking while I was laboring, "this is pain".  

How grateful I am for my birthing experience.

It was miraculous.
I gave birth vaginally after two emergency c-sections.

I was induced and still delivered without an epidural.

I never lost contol. 

I experience natural childbirth and enjoyed it.

I learned that childbirth is a beautiful, natural, gift.

My baby is perfect and I thank God every minute for her.

This is our story, and it is only the beginning. 

Eve Antonina

7 lbs. 8 oz.  20 inches

You can read my husband's account of eve's birth here- I am amazed.

You can read some of my experience being two weeks overdue here- going into labor- the waiting stage. 

a happy husband.

I've been thinking, and I've realized that it is simple to keep my husband happy.
When I am happy, he is happy.
When I am cranky, he is cranky.

My days are difficult these days.
They sound nice from a distance. 
I got up, fed the baby, got the big kids to school, dressed the little girls, fed the baby, showered, dressed, went to the park, made cookies, visited with a friend, fed the little girls lunch, put the little girls down for a nap, fed the baby, picked the big kids up from school, started dinner, fed the baby... etc. etc.
The details are bit crankier... it is HARD to do anything.
Hard, but normal and FINE.
If you ask me, I'll tell you.  Life is hard but good.

My husband, he usually gets the FULL story-- the full story with HARD emphasized.
Why do I do this?  Why do I need him to know every gory detail of HARD that I go through?
Why can I talk to my friends and laugh and tell them about my cute baby, and talk to my husband 5 minutes later and cry telling him all the hard things that have happened?

Partly, I have always felt that being "ONE" meant that he really KNOWS me... my hard stuff and my good stuff.  He knows, understands and loves me still.  But lately, I wonder, is that complaining side of me really ME?  Or, is it just a bad habit.

The other day I had a doctor appointment.  I had asked the professor to move the car seats around and put baby eve's car seat in the Suburban.  When I FINALLY got out to the car, I noticed that he hadn't done it.  Now, he has done 100,000 things lately-- and he forgot this one.  I really, really wanted to just swallow it.  Just put the car seats in the car and NOT call him to complain.  And, I didn't call him.  (I called my girlfriend and cried to her about my morning instead.)  But then later, after the appointment, I called him.  And, while we were talking I just had to mention that on top of everything I had to do that morning, I had to buckle in car seats.  BLAH!!  Why?  Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?

I heard a great talk recently...  about marriage.  It was by Elder Richard G. Scott... you can read the talk here.  He said...

As I have thought back over our life together, I realize how blessed we’ve been. We have not had arguments in our home or unkind words between us. Now I realize that blessing came because of her. It resulted from her willingness to give, to share, and to never think of herself. In our later life together, I tried to emulate her example. I suggest that as husband and wife you do the same in your home.

How I wish I could imagine my husband saying this about me.
Nope.
Here are some other things he would never say about me...
"She never complained."
"She was always cheerful."
"Coming home each day was a breath of fresh air."

Today, I am going to do better.  I really, really am going to try harder to be more cheerful and grateful when I talk to my husband.
I'm going to be "willing to give, to share and NEVER think of myself." 
Or at least I'm going to try...

I'm going to try to emphasize the positive in my life.  To be more positive with my husband, my children and everyone I talk to. 
Really, really, I am so happy.
Yes, my chest is still a bit raw.
Yes, I am finding it nearly impossible to keep my house clean and laundry done.
Yes, I'm sick of living like students.

Yes, I'm scared to death to try and sell my house and move with seven kids.

BUT...

my life is SO good and I am SO happy.

and most of all, I want my husband to know that.

I've been watching the Dick VanDyke show while I nurse. 

Mary Tyler Moore is DARLING.  She's such a kind wife.  I really want to be more like her. 

The episode I think of most often is when Dick VanDyke bought her home this hideous Empress Carlotta necklace and she was too kind to tell him that she hated it.

Yeah, I'm not so kind.

But, part of me wants to be more like this.  More sensitive to his feelings and more sweet.

Want to join me?  Just for one week?!  I think I'm going to call it my... Happy Mother, Happy Home challenge. 

My hypothesis is that my house can be just as messy, my tummy can be just as flabby, my dinners can be just as burnt or not quite finished, and IF i'm happy my husband will be happy and my whole home will be better.

Yes, a lesson I have learned hundreds of times before, and just need to remind myself.

Happy Mother = Happy Home.

just watch me SMILE this week.

ask me about my day, I'll tell you... it was GREAT!!

and really, every day IS great if you look for the great within it.

right?!

ps-- a question for you...
My sister in law, rebekah, and I came to the conclusion that if we need to VENT we should vent to a girlfriend instead of our husbands.
(This is what mary tyler moore does on the show, too.)
Philisophically, I don't like this idea... practically, it seems to work a lot better.
Many times I think it is better to vent to one of my good girl friends-- because they understand quickly what I'm experiencing and they don't try to FIX my problems.
When I vent to a girlfriend, we end up laughing and feeling empathized with and somehow spiritually strengthened.
When I vent to my husband, he feels responsible-- like he's failing somehow.
It's just not the same.
I don't know-- what do you think?

pps--  Just wanted to make one NOTE...  My husband and I are GREAT communicators.  I'm not naturally a sweet, quiet wife who doesn't let him know how I feel.  (Just in case you were wondering.)  But, this week, I have felt prompted to WATCH MY WORDS.  Because I may have gotten into a habit of focusing on the negative.  Yes, communication is ESSENTIAL to a good marriage.  But don't you ever find yourself in a rut where your husband hears all the negative and misses a lot of the positive things that happen each day?  It's pretty sad when he has to read my blog to know how happy I really am.  So, this week, I am going to focus on the positive.  I'm going to try NOT to complain, NOT to tell him all the gory details of my life, just the positive highlights.  He has a lot going on right now (finishing up his dissertation, planning a move, etc.)  And, this one week of Happy Wife is how I can love him a little bit better.  To me, it's all about BALANCE.  Sometimes the Spirit tells me to talk MORE, but this week, I'm feeling the need to talk LESS.  Or at least LESS NEGATIVE, MORE POSITIVE...  I wish I was disciplined enough to become Mary Tyler Moore overnight, but I'm not. 

sidewalk chalk.

 how i love spring... and sidewalk chalk... and little girls...

can you find leah's picture of tom?  it's darling.

oldest and youngest.

can you believe it was just yesterday that i held him like this?
oh, how i love these kids.
my sweet, sweet babies.

treasure.

this is my cute baby-- 8 days old.

she loves to wiggle her little feet out of every blanket...

i am just eating her up!!

and, here is my random story--

late last night the professor and i were scowering our house to find my perscriptions.

every 6 hours i'm taking an antibiotic and ibuprofen for my mastitus.

only, we couldn't find the pill containers anywhere.

my house isn't that big-- or that messy...  we knew that somebody had to have taken them.

yesterday was a crazy day.

our living room flooded (from a clog up under our floor)

it took me all day to shower and dress and do my hair

i, once again, got halfway thru dinner when the baby decided it was time for her dinner...

will i ever be able to prepare and serve an entire meal for my family without needing the professor to bail me out?

and then finally the house was quiet, the kids were asleep, the baby was resting and... i couldn't find my medicine.

anywhere.

a quick prayer led me to the garage.

and TAH DAH!! 

i found my treasure, mixed with other great things...

 don't you love little girls?

meet tom.

dear world-- meet tom.

 tom is our dog.

yes, we have a dog.  

i think.

we didn't choose tom.

she chose us.

yes, tom is a girl.

two weekends ago (when i was still pregnant) the kids saw a car push a dog out of it's door.

or so they say.
and that dog, followed them home.

(sing Annie's "Dumb dog, why are you following me...")

we called the pound.
the pound doesn't pick up on the weekends unless it's an emergency.
Monday morning, the professor and i left early for the hospital.
we had a baby.
we came home and found this...

tom had moved in.

(drew was home sick with strep-- tom nursed him back to health.)

the problem is, tom is no trouble.

she just lays at the kids' feet.

she NEVER barks.

she goes potty outside.

she doesn't scratch or chew or shed.

she lets the kids pet her and dress her up and cuddle with her.

AND

she's old.

we're afraid that no one would pick her up from the pound.

we keep looking for lost dog signs, and checking the lost section of craig's list-- nothing.

yes, it's funny that we have a new dog and a new baby in the same week-- but honestly, tom has been a GREAT playmate to my kids when i'm nursing or busy with the baby.

and so it looks like we might have found ourselves a dog.

well, really Tom found us.

and i'm thinking she might be a part of our family for a long time.

can you believe it?!  

dumb dog-- with those big puppy dog eyes... 

"keep me" she's begging??!!

oh, what have we gotten ourselves into?

the latch.

last night around 6pm, all seven Moss were hungry.
the youngest making her opinions known with chin quivering cries.
and, i just couldn't feed her.
i couldn't do it.
my whole chest was on fire- arm pit to arm pit- and i had electric shocks running down my breasts.

i had a slight fever.

i admitted defeat.
i called my doctor, told him i was pretty certain i had mastitis. 
he called me in an antibiotic.
and then i cried.
my baby was hungry and i couldn't feed her.

the professor warmed up leftovers from the Thanksgiving feast a friend had brought us Sunday night.
and i debated-- i had called the lactation consultants at the hospital earlier in the day.
they encouraged me to come in when the baby was hungry.
in a split second decision, i packed sweet eve into her car seat and headed back to the hospital... gratefully she stopped screaming and was content in the car.
when i reached the breastfeeding consultants i just sobbed unsure that they would be able to help at all.
eve just laid there patiently in her car seat while i worked up the courage to nurse one more time.

sitting on the couch with pillows stuffed around me and a sweet lady with rubber gloves standing by, i began nursing-- on my worst bloody, engorged side.
it was excruciating.
for a second.
and the sweet lady stuck her finger under eve's chin and pulled down.
MAGIC.
MAGIC.
Just by repositioning her little lips (pulling down on her chin and up on her top lips) my pain was completely gone.
She nursed for 30 minutes on that one side.
every now and then she'd move and the pain would come back...
i'd just slip my fingers under her chin and instant relief.
When she was finished my chest was SO relieved and her eyes were rolling back in her head like she was drunk with milk.
Milk actually dripped from her mouth and she was sound asleep, content.
we changed her diaper and i nursed on the other side-- same thing, pain, chin adjustment, and no pain.

DUH!!!!

many, many people had asked me if she was latching on correctly.

i always assured them that she was, because she was definitely drinking.

and a good sucker.

in the hospital, i was a bit prideful whenever the lactation consultants came in to offer their help.

I had nursed 6 babies-- i knew what i was doing and my pain was "normal"... i thought.

last night, i was humbled... and VERY grateful.

who knew that a little chin adjustment could make such a HUGE difference.

eve has a tendency to purse her lips closed... like this

that is what she was doing when she nursed.
a little chin adjustment has changed my life-- i nursed all night long without pain, even though my breasts are still healing.
a complete miracle.

the miracle of the latch.

today i am SO GRATEFUL.

and my baby is full.

i can honestly say that i'm excited to nurse again in a few hours.

isn't it funny how we often wait till we're dead before we ask for help?

i have learned my lesson this time, and next time i think i'll get help MUCH sooner.

one week.

eve is one week old today.

this morning i looked at her little face and thought her cheeks seemed a bit chunkier.

i wish i could freeze each moment.

there is nothing more precious than a newborn.

how i love this little one.

this week has been beautiful and difficult.

i feel like i'm a newborn all over again.

my mom left Thursday morning, and the professor has been back at school working feverishly on his dissertation.

so, i was alone with a 3 day old baby, 2 year old and 4 year old.

on Friday eve had a doctor's appointment- at 11:30 am.

even though a friend of mine offered to watch leah and lily, i was still a mess.

it took me all morning to shower and dress and dress the kids and feed the baby and pack the diaper bag, and arrange the car seats in the Suburban...

by the time i got everyone in the car i felt like i had run a marathon.

and, i left my house a mess.

i had tears in my eyes as i wondered if i would ever be able to handle my life again.

my breasts hurt.

bloody, blistery, sore.

yes, i know that is too much information, but it's true.

on Friday night i cried as i nursed.

i didn't cry delivering eve without an epidural.

for sure, breast feeding has been MORE painful than natural childbirth.

HOPEFULLY i'm on the up hill...  this morning i nursed and it wasn't too bad.

i have nursed all my kids, and the first week is always the hardest on my poor chest.

breastfeeding wise-- i am not sorry to see this week end.

and, i'm huge.

i can't find anything to wear.

my kids keep rubbing my belly and asking, "do you have another baby in there mom?"

the professor is kind, he says, "Yes, you're big.  But think of Queen Latifa, she's big and still beautiful."

hah!  he's so funny with his well intended, not really helpful compliments.

i'm used to being small-- so i don't have fat clothes.

and, i'm small chested, so NONE of my shirts fit.

it takes me a long time to dress each morning, and it's a battle.

i know this too shall pass... but it's not so fun in the mean time.

hard moments this first week... yup.

but there have been MANY, MANY beautiful moments.

my eyes tear up just remembering.

i am so in love with this baby.

completely smitten.

she is DARLING.

holding her, listening to her sweet newborn noises, feeling her soft skin against my cheek...

oh my gosh, complete joy.

my kids are really great with babies.

the BEST thing about having a large family is watching your kids interact with each other.

and there is something magical about having a baby in the house.

magic.

just watching my oldest with my youngest makes my heart swell-- God has been so good to me.

i also love watching my husband with my baby.

do you know, i have trained him well?

really.

he is like me... how he swaddles and coos and bounces our newborns--

i see me in him, and i realize how far we've come these past 14 years.

i love watching him with the older kids.

i love sitting in my chair at night, nursing my baby, listening to my sweet husband reading Dr. Seuss to the little girls with his funny voices.

the best decision i ever made was marrying Todd... every day i thank God for him.

every day.

we have eaten well this week.

sweet, sweet friends have been bringing us meals--

and seriously, people are so kind.

thank you.

there have been moments this past week where my house has been tidy, my children are all playing happily in the bedroom, and i am snuggled with a newborn in my arms... i have felt heaven.

even in the middle of the night when i'm cringing as my baby latches on one more time... i still feel heaven.

it's in the miracle of birth.  the stillness of a home full of sleeping children.  the pink cowboy boots abandoned at the foot of my bed.  a sweet newborn milk mustache.  bending over the crib to kiss lily good night when she realizes, "Hey, you can reach me.  Baby eve came out!"  eve's little feet that she always wiggles out of her blankets.  ellie's toothless grin.  "Can I hold her?"  again and again.  fuzzy hair, tiny ears, long skinny fingers.  newborn blow out diapers.  tiny preemie pampers and very wet size 5 huggies.  family prayer that is never reverent, but always sacred.  sleeping smiles.

i have felt the eternal truth-- children are a gift from God.

happy is he who has a quiver full of them.

i am so happy.

i have LOVED this first week.

i'm sad to see it end.

i'm excited for week two.

and, i think i have seven of the cutest babies ever made--

yes.  this is the life i always wanted.

there is NOTHING better than a newborn.

welcoming eve.

my eyes are teary just looking at the 200 pictures i downloaded from baby eve's birth.

it was beautiful.

she is perfect.

i am overwhelmed with gratitude.

sometime soon I will edit my pictures, and write eve's birth story.

today, i am going to love up my new baby, take a nap, and spend every other moment LOVING my kids and superstar husband.

i have missed them so much, these past 9 months of pregnancy haze...

i don't think i've told you enough what a great man i have beside me- seriously-- i love that guy.

and my kids-- darling.

AND, i have a BABY!!

she's so tiny and precious and amazing.

i can't stop smelling her and looking at her and thanking God for blessing me so much.

yes-- i know why i have done this seven times.

there is no greater joy.

I am AMAZED.

While I won't do justice to Jen's writing skills, she asked that I, the professor, start this post about our daughter's birth because it is still a bit unreal to her, and I have a different perspective.

I could go on about the detailed schedule of what happened when, or the technical explanation
regarding the internal pressure of the uterus during a contraction as given by our OB to an interested former engineer (myself), or that our baby was born without any vernix to speak of.   All of which may be interesting to some, but not that interesting to Jen. So I won't talk about those things.

Instead, I'll talk about my impressions while all of this was happening, what I was feeling and thinking. Then all of you who love to read Jen's blog because of her open expression of thoughts and feelings will not (hopefully) feel slighted. But I can't promise a 7-page entry.

What sticks out most in my mind is how amazingly well Jen handled the whole situation. Jen was able to deliver our baby without an epidural, and really mastered the whole labor experience.  The entire labor lasted about 5 hours, she was happy and talkative for all but the last 45 minutes, thanks to her hynobirthing scripts on her iPod. I had prepared myself for 5 hours or more of a snippy, cranky wife due to the labor pains (which is totally fine given the situation; I get snippy and cranky just by fasting for two meals...), but I was not prepared for what I saw.  Jen had her iPod turned on, but was externally focused between contractions. She would laugh and joke with the nurses, or talk with me about whatever was on her mind. During contractions, she became very inwardly focused. She would stop talking, close her eyes, and take measured breaths while focusing on the hypnobirthing scripts. Then it would pass, and she'd be her happy self again. It was the most calm labor I could have imagined for her.

The final 45 minutes were more difficult. Talking by the nurses or myself would cause Jen to loose her focus and she could really feel the pain, so the room became silent during contractions. As she was pushing through the last few contractions, I was amazed at her poise and determination. I knew that there was a lot of pain there, yet she had the mastery over her pain. She didn't scream uncontrolably, as could have happened. To me it sounded like a battle cry from Lord or the Rings or Braveheart, a sound of her sheer will conquering the pain and everything else that stood between her and her baby (note: ladies, there's no need to apologize for these battle cries. I couldn't believe Jen was with it enough to even care what we were thinking about her actions, much less apologize for them). While I would voice words of encouragement, inwardly I was speechless with amazement.  I believe her OB's words were, "Wow, you have a really high pain tolerance". When it was all over and she finally had her little girl, Jen was bright and alert. Such a different recovery compared to her last two births--emergency c-sections.

My wife, who has been induced during the births of our first six children, was trying desparately to experience labor starting without any medical interventions. Yet it became increasingly clear that if our girl didn't come on her own soon, we'd need Pitocin to start Jen's labor. Sunday night was difficult for both of us. Jen felt a bit forsaken, and it was hard for me to console her. She expressed her exasperation with the wait, her wondering about why things were happening this way, her concerns about all that could go wrong having a VBAC after two c-sections. But then she talked about all that could go well, all of the blessings that we had seen in our lives during this pregnancy. We had done all that we could do to bring about our desires, which we believe were righteous and good.

So, while Jen's labor was induced, our OB did what he could to respect our wishes and wisely started her with the minimal doseage possible to get things going, to minimize the risk of uterine rupture. I felt so happy for my wife, seeing her labor progress so rapidly with so little discomfort and so little Pitocin. And in the end, it turned out that having an induction in the hospital may have been the best thing for Jen because her water didn't break until two minutes before the birth, and the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and body. Out initial plan of waiting at home until her water broke could have resulted in a birth in the front seat of our car--a very dangerous proposition given the condition of the cord. But because we were at the hospital, everything worked out just fine.

And so, I really feel amazed to have a healthy baby girl (Eve Antonina, 7 lb 8 oz, 20 in long) who is already nursing like a champ, a happy wife who is recovering more quickly than with any other birth, and a mother-in-law who is lovingly watching over our other kids. Life is very good.

today.

yes-- i'm on my way to the hospital.
i'm scared and excited.
can't wait to meet the little girl who has been with me all these months...

i think today is a perfect day for a birthday.

going into labor- the waiting stage.

I think I have officially arrived at a place in pregnancy I have NEVER been before.
Perhaps, I have really been here the past 3 weeks.
I believe it is called the first stage of labor-- 0-5cm dilated, effacing, minor contractions...
I'm still awaiting "active labor".

Because I have been so pregnant for so long, everybody (and their mothers) have told me their "going into labor" stories.
And boy, am I impressed.
America has many "Good Earth" stories...
Women who have hoisted their 2 year old on top of their pregnant bellies and walked for days in a dirt field to induce labor.
Women who have drunk a whole container of Castor oil, given themselves enemas, pumped breasts with no milk, enjoyed/endured intimacy with their husbands, taken labor inducing herbs, visited chiropractors/acupuncturists, cleaned their kitchen floors on their hands and knees, or have endured puking and diarrhea all for the sake of speeding their labor along.
I'm impressed at these sturdy, determined women.
Especially knowing that a 40+ week woman has the natural desire to rest... all the time.
Walking with a swaying pelvis is just plain uncomfortable- and many of the other labor inducing methods that women employ are much more uncomfortable.
American pregnant women are tough.  Really.

Me, I'm only tough on a whim.  Mainly, I'm hesitant.
I have tried just about everything that has been suggested to me.
Nothing has worked.
Perhaps I haven't done everything long enough or hard enough... or perhaps my body just doesn't react the same way that other women's bodies react.
Nonetheless, I am VERY impressed at the lengths women go through to induce labor "naturally".

For me, the past 3 weeks have honestly been a roller coaster of bodily reactions and emotions.
By FAR, it is harder for me to deal with the emotional ups and downs.
I am a planner.  I am organized.  I like to know what is happening and have everything ready and waiting.
For weeks, I have been poised and ready for a late night trip to the hospital.
Every time I get the laundry washed and put away I'm thinking "OK, now i am ready."
My suitcase is packed and waiting... only I don't have enough pajamas to keep the pair I wanted in the hospital packed for 3 weeks.
I've done the "stock the house with groceries so the kids have food while I'm in the hospital" trip- 3 times.
I've lived in the "maybe tonight" mindset.  And, I've woken up to "nope."  For many, many days.
It stinks.

I want to complain. 
I want people to know that it's hard for me to over due... 
But then, people start saying bad things about my doctor and how unsafe it is for him to let me go over.
They insinuate that they know better than me what is best for me.
For me, most people who know me well are supportive of my desire not to be induced. 
People who give me the hardest time live far away or don't really know the situation.
Blah.

Going overdue is, and always was, MY choice.
A choice I have not made lightly. 
A choice I have made not just because I am afraid of hospitals or because I am overly idealistic or uneducated.
I have given birth 6 times.  I know more about birth than most people.
I have been induced 6 times.
When I say I don't want to be induced-- I know why.
I know that it isn't that bad, and I know why it is that bad.
I have had 2 major surgeries-- emergency c-sections that have both saved the life of me and my babies, and put the life of me and my baby at risk.
I know what it is like to heal from vaginal deliveries and from repeated c-sections.

My doctor is helping me birth my baby the way I feel is best.
Ultimately, he has told me for the past 3 weeks that I could call him ANY DAY of the week and he would meet me at labor and delivery. 
I knew he would induce me.
BUT
I really, really want to experience labor.  Spontaneous labor. 
I want my body to tell me when I am ready, and when my baby is ready.
I trust my body. 

I believe that MANY, MANY of the complications that arise during birth happen because women do not experience birth the way we were DESIGNED to experience birth.
I love living in America.  I love the technological advances that we enjoy here.  But, look at the statistics-- one thing America does NOT do well-- managing BIRTH.  We are 30th in the world for infant mortality. 30th.  HELLO!!
Honestly, as I was reading many of the natural birth websites I was rolling my eyes.
People who tend to be more "natural" in their thinking, are also very contentious.  I hate the pessimistic attitude they develop towards the majority.  And, although I learned a lot from reading their literature, I frankly didn't feel that things were as bad as they claimed. 
BUT,
I have been VERY surprised as I started talking to pregnant women.
SO MANY of the pregnant women I know have scheduled c-sections, repeat c-sections, inductions.
Almost everyone I talk to is induced.
Women laugh that they are going to schedule their delivery on a certain day because their doctor is going out of town.
and there are SO MANY c-sections.
If women knew how much better it is to heal from a vaginal delivery NO ONE would CHOOSE a c-section.
NO ONE.
Women say "I can't breast feed because my breasts don't produce milk."  Or, "My babies are too big to deliver vaginally." 
"My sister couldn't deliver a baby, my mother was always induced.  We're just not made for birthing babies."
I know there are SOME exceptions, some abnormal women who might have a difficult time birthing or feeding their babies.  And, I would never want to belittle their experience.
But not MOST women. 
American women are capable of normal deliveries...  and, I am capable of a normal delivery.
I know I am. 
And, I'm CHOOSING to TRY.
Not just for me, I'm doing it for my daughters. 
I don't want them to think "my family can't go into labor."
I come from good child bearing stock.  Pioneer women who came to America and raised large families.
These women could birth children.
And, so can I.  And, so can my daughters.  And, so can other American women.

And so, I have chosen to wait.
To hope that I will eventually go into labor on my own.
That I will labor without drugs and deliver vaginally a healthy baby girl.
Maybe, this won't happen, and I am prepared for that.
But today, I have a choice, and my choice is to wait.
A choice I have made in partnership with a VERY experienced, wise, educated doctor.
The HEAD OB at Texas Tech. 
A man that writes papers and speaks at conferences on how it is SAFER for both mother and baby to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) instead of repeat c-section.
Safer especially for women like me, who gave birth 4 times vaginally with NO problems.
A DOCTOR, who sees the attitude of other doctors and mothers who are quick to hop into surgeries for labors that may be fine without emergency measures.
I thank God daily for my great doctor.

I am confidant, and grateful, and nervous, and excited.
I know that I am making the best choice for me and for my baby.
BUT
being 2 weeks overdue is still hard. 
And sometimes, I want to whine.
The emotional side of WAITING is for sure the hardest. 

Physically, it's just confusing.
I have read, listened to, and watched hundreds of birth stories.
I keep waiting for mine to be like theirs... but the truth is, birth stories don't usually start 3 weeks prior to birth.
And, if they do, I skim till I get to the real "LABOR" part.
For me, "LABOR" this far has been WEIRD and MILD and LONG...
I feel my body doing things, moving, squeezing, spreading...
I feel sore and tired and invigorated.
My blood and energy levels have been surprisingly high.
I really feel great most days... until my body just throbs.
I'm tired- but not as tired as I was less pregnant.
I sleep better than I have in months.  Aside from waking up each time I have to roll over or reposition.
The only real pains I have felt are shooting pains at the base of my belly, and a soreness as I walk.

I have dilated slowly, in 3 weeks I went from a 2 to a 4.  Although I felt stuck at 3cm dilation, my doctor felt that each time he checked me I showed marked progress-- in softening and effacing.  He kept encouraging me that I am doing something and labor is inevitable.  He has always felt that labor will come fast for me.
Why is it so hard for me to believe him?
Because my labor seems weird.
Mainly, my water hasn't broken and I'm not having contractions.
Yes, I feel crampy.  Yes, I feel like a I have a watermelon stuck between my pelvic bones.  Yes, I feel my body full of energy and movement and pressure.
But LABOR?  I don't know.

Yesterday, my doctor stripped my membranes.
I was cracking up.  When he stuck his hand inside me he I told him to be rough.  He was.
He said, "You're definitely a 4."  And I said, "Well, now I am."  He started laughing and I started laughing, and while he was ripping out my insides I said, "4...5...6..."
Just fyi-- internal exams hurt a bit worse when your whole body is shaking up and down from laughing.

I expected that after that exam, I would just go into labor. 
And, if not labor, then at least SOMETHING would change.
bloody show... cramps... contractions...
and, nothing.
i felt fine.
Actually, better than fine.  I felt good yesterday.
I drank some more Castor oil that afternoon-- like 2 tablespoons (don't tell my doctor, he's not a big fan of Castor oil). 
I was just hoping that I would feel SOMETHING different...
I went grocery shopping...
I was up at the school with cupcakes and ice cream...
NOTHING.
It's so weird.
I went to bed that night, not really washing all my makeup off my face "just in case"... again.
and, I was up most of the night with intense cramps.
maybe from my exam, maybe from the Castor oil, maybe the beginning of real labor.
I took a bath and blowed my hair dry-- just in case things were starting to pick up...

In the midst of my cramping, I did start to have some strong contractions in the middle of the night... maybe one an hour.
And these contractions have woken me up a bit- literally.
They've actually continued all day today, at random times.
Heavy, strong contractions at random times.
It's funny the joy I feel every time I feel this pain-- my body is doing something different!!
AND...
I have bloody, mucousy discharge.
Things are happening.
SLOWLY, but surely.

This is not how I imagined labor to be... and really, I know I'm not in "real" labor yet.
I imagined small, tight contractions that came 10 minutes apart and then gradually increased in intensity and length.
I imagined laying in my bed, or sitting in a chair and calmly breathing, relaxing through each contraction.
The contractions I'm experiencing are VERY hard to relax through, because they are random and surprising and intense.
Then, they go away for an hour, or half an hour, or two hours... weird.
My doctor just called me-- as I was writing this.
He assured me that every labor goes into regular contractions.
I just need to wait... 
The cramping, he thinks, came from my exam (but I didn't tell him about the Castor oil).
And, the bloody show and contractions are good signs.
He says I'm progressing and it WILL come to a point where I am feeling regularity.

And so, I wait... and hope.
He did say, "I know how much you want to do this on your own, but I really don't think you should go much past Monday if you don't start before then."
I feel good about checking into labor and delivery on Monday morning--  I just feel like my body is ready to have this baby.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow night...
but, if not...
I really know that I'll be easy to coax into a natural labor on Monday morning.

and so, this is my story.
As I've written this post, I've continued to feel random, strong contractions.
I love feeling my body work.
It is amazing to me.

I do have to add a random post-script here...
God and I have had an odd relationship the past few weeks.
I've been a bit mad at Him because He hasn't pushed my labor along faster than it has gone.
I wanted Him to help me go into labor when my in-laws were visiting... and He didn't.
And then, when my sister was here... still no.
On my nephew's birthday, on my birthday... nope. 
For the past 3 weeks, my body and God, were silent.
One night I was listening to my favorite spiritual hymns and was struck by the song, "I Stand All Amazed."
I grumbled to my husband, "You know, I'm not very amazed right now."
I know that God loves me.  And, I know that God can work miracles.
And, He hasn't. 
He's not AMAZING me right now.
(My husband never really knows what to do with me when I say something like that.)
And, I've kinda stuck with this attitude. 
I know God's there, but He's not choosing to WOW me right now. 
Love you, but I'm NOT standing all amazed.  :)

Today, I'm beginning to feel amazed.
But, not in the way I wanted to be amazed.
I wanted the parting of the Red Sea.
I prayed and God broke my waters... 
Instead, I'm experiencing the Grand Canyon... 
Quiet, gradual, beauty.
Years and years of Godly splendor, majestic engineering.
As I feel my body preparing for birth, my bones opening, my abdomen beginning to contract, the baby inside me wiggling into place...
I am amazed.
The past three weeks I have tried unsuccessfully to trick my body into labor-- and nothing has worked.
My body KNOWS when it is ready... my body is expanding and opening in a slow and steady rhythm all it's own.
My body is powerful... even if I've only felt a small taste of what it can do.
I am amazed at the strength and power of each tightening I feel.
God has not responded to my timetable, nor has he allowed my body to spontaneously contract when I push a certain spot on my calf.
BUT,
He made me. 
He designed me. 
He designed women and the process of creation, and the process of birth..
He blessed me with a body that creates babies, and carries babies for nine months, and births babies, and feeds babies... and this is AMAZING.

Today, I stand all amazed at the miracle that God has given me.
The miracle of womanhood, and birth...  that began centuries ago with Eve, the mother of all living, and continues today with me.
As I experience these beginnings of labor, I truly stand all amazed.
And, with each rush of preparation that I feel, I am humbled and grateful.
I imagine that is how I would feel near the Grand Canyon.
This process that I am experiencing is amazing-- a true miracle.
How grateful I am to be a women,
to be pregnant,
to have had a child in my womb for the past 43 weeks...
to have partnered with God in this creation miracle 7 times!
today I am humbled and grateful and amazed.

ps--  I laugh as I push publish post... who would actually READ this?
want to know the truth?  i love to read your comments and thoughts... love them.
BUT,
i don't write my blog for you... i write it for me.
because i sit in my chair and my head is spinning and i'm not really sure what i'm thinking or feeling or hoping for...
and then, i begin to write and things become more clear.
i see the hand of God in my life.
i understand why i'm confused and determined and excited and worried.
when i'm done with my writing, i know that i could delete the whole thing and just leave the last two paragraphs... but it is painful for me to do that, because then i'll loose my process.
and i really love remembering the hard along with the good.
So, if you read this... thanks.
I welcome you into my life.
And, if you roll your eyes at the seven page essays I write... I'm ok with that too.
Cause, I didn't write it for you.
just sayin.