learning heaven.

POST EDIT NOTE--
please don't read this post if you have perfect children.
i wrote this blog right after a morning of contention and making up...  
re-reading it later i think i may have over-reacted. 
it is never good to react to a child as if they are "ruined" because of one unusual situation.
i think i had a couple kids that may have been tired and cranky and all of a sudden i'm worried that i've hit the "teenage hormone" stage of life.
i wish i would have just started out my blog keeping things vague, like this--  
sometimes my kids are cranky.
sometimes they are sassy.
sometimes they blame me for their attitudes and point out my faults to justify theirs.
often, the things they say about me are true.
i have done something wrong and they notice it.
i'm never quite sure what to say to that.
this morning... i learned as i taught.
but, i'm having a hard time deleting the honesty i already threw out there...
so, enjoy the post in it's original "whoa, i've entered a new stage of life" entirety.  
for now.

honestly, i was hoping that i would miss this stage of life.
Sassy pre-teens.
Verbal arguments.
fights where we both say things we wished we hadn't.
i have heard other mothers talk about the yelling matches they have endured with their kids and thought- whoa, thank heavens that isn't me.
this week i had two separate kids respond harshly to something i'd asked them to do.
simple things like, go sit on the bench and pick up your shirt.
i got stronger, they got stronger, they started saying things to me that were true but very sassy.
i didn't know how to respond.
i especially didn't know how to respond when they would deflect the conversation from something they were doing wrong to things that i do wrong... and they were right.
"you don't have to squeeze my arm like that."
or "you're always pointing out what i didn't do and not noticing all the good things i am doing."
true- but not an excuse for the really bad level that my kids went to.
yelling, slamming doors, one child even yelling to herself in her room, "i hate my mom."
one child kept telling ME to "say PLEASE.  say PLEASE" after i had asked him nicely 10 times to do his job and finally raised my voice.
oh, i really hoped i would NEVER go through this stage of life.
looking back now it seems easy to respond without emotion
"I'm sorry that i squeezed your arm, now sit down on the bench and think about what you can do differently."
or even, "Please sweet child, will you pick up your shirt?"-- (oh, i have a hard time even typing that one.)
but in the heat of the argument i admit, i was unprepared and stumped.

these two incidents allotted me some time to really sit and converse with these two children.
to listen to them and to learn with them.
i heard them really being too hard on themselves for the mistakes that they made,
and i also heard them being too critical of the mistakes that i made,
this analogy came to my mind...

in the talk His Grace is Sufficient, printed recently in BYU Magazine,  Brad Wilcox compares GRACE to Piano Lessons.  (Read the whole talk here.  It's GREAT.)


Christ's arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child.
Mom pays the piano teacher.
Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something.
What is it? 
Practice!  
Does the child's practice pay for the piano teacher? 
No.
Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom's incredible gift.
It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level.
Mom's joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used- seeing her child improve.

i used this analogy with my pre-teens.
i explained-
each day, you are practicing a song on the piano...
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle--blah blah blah.
i hear an area that is not right.
i stop you.
i help you see your mistake.
i ask you to try again.
to ACT or PRACTICE so you can get better.
are you BAD because you made a mistake?
nope.
just learning.
and learning is exactly what you should be doing.
when i offer correction, i'm not punishing you, i'm not condemning you,
i'm just helping you learn lessons that will add to your happiness.
we all have to practice the hard spots in life.
and, i have played the 9 year old song before.
i might be able to give you some tips on where to put your hands.
i might make you practice again, so that next time you get to that measure, you can play it by memory.
because i love you and because God picked me to teach you.

my child loves to point out that there are always other kids doing wrong too--
i asked her what she would do if she was a piano teacher?
i asked if she could teach seven kids at one time?
how would she do it if every kid hit a hard spot at the same time?
maybe have everyone freeze
and then work with one child, and then the next, and then the next...
that's what i was trying to do.
everyone on the whole Earth is learning.
this is a time to practice and prepare.
everyone is making mistakes.
we can't use another person's mistakes as an excuse not to practice.
that's silly.

as the mother, i am also learning to play the piano.
my music is harder.
i have 7 lines of notes- plus pedals.
sometimes i mess up and i need to go back and fix things.
today, i had a couple lines that were messed up and so i fix them one at a time...
sometimes i play a line, just one note at a time, one child at a time, to be sure that we have a good harmony together.
i asked if i was BAD mom because i didn't always play my symphonies perfectly?
i asked if she felt the need to hate me or be extra critical of me when i mess up?
i assured her that i was practicing.
that i was trying hard every minute of every day.
that i really, really wanted to play beautifully so that her life would be blessed...
and i promised her that i would continue to make mistakes that she would see,
but that we were BOTH just learning.
i also reminded her that she was playing one-handed and i was playing with both hands and pedals.
i was called by God to be her teacher.
that He was teaching me how to teach her better.
it wasn't her job to teach me, although i had learned much from her.
we can encourage each other, we can love each other, we will most definitely hear each others hard spots.
and when it's time for the recital- we will both be their smiling proudly at all we have become as we practiced together.
and then we will smile in the presence of the Master.
we will thank him for our lessons.
we will be surrounded by His perfect symphony and we will want to be more like Him.
there is joy in practicing heaven.

because we all are learning life.
we all make mistakes.
it is good that we see our mistakes because then we can practice and improve.

"I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, "You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven."
"I say, 'No, we are not earning heaven.  We are LEARNING heaven.  We are preparing for it.  We are practicing for it."
"They ask me, "Have you been saved by grace?"
"I answer, 'Yes.  Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully-- yes!"
"Then i ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: 'Have you been CHANGED by grace?"


Brett Sanders put it, "A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ's life."

Today, i'm learning heaven.
right along side of my children.
we are each practicing our symphonies.
we each make mistakes.
we are each saved by grace.
as mothers, we are blessed with wisdom daily.
as we teach our children we are taught by the Master.
today, i was taught again.
there is such beauty in this analogy.
and beauty in the doctrine of repentance and growth.
i LOVE understanding that as my symphonies get harder i'm going to continue to hit rough patches.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen has written, "The great Mediator asks for our repentance NOT because we must 'repay' him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a development process that, with the Savior's help, leads us along the path to a saintly character."
(this quote is also from Brad Wilcox's talk on grace)

there is power in God's grace.
He is the perfect conductor.

there is good in falling and good in rising after we fall.
through his grace we are cleansed, we are saved and we are TAUGHT.
praise ye the Lord.
i love this video- about a girl who falls in a race then gets up and WINS...
life is good.

keep practicing- He is teaching us heaven!!

Sharing Time- We can choose the right.

this month i've been teaching primary at church.

our topic has been Agency... choosing the right.
Religious or not religious EVERYONE teaches their kids about choosing good.
here are some ideas i used-- (note- they are not all my ideas, just my adaptations.)

The Stick--

i made a choice and consequence stick--

i loved using it to discuss scripture stories, real-life examples and what if stories.

you can't make a choice without getting the consequence.

Joshua 24:15

the kids all memorized

"choose ye this day whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

we talked about being a part of a house-- a church house, a home and even the house of Israel.

how important it is that we stick together and choose the right.

Captivity and Misery or Liberty and Joy (2 Nephi 2:27)

we talked about how good choices lead to freedom and joy, and how bad choices lead to misery and captivity.

it was SO interesting for me to think about how our choices lead to captivity or liberty.

i loved trying to find a picture of liberty-- i finally came up with a butterfly flying out of someone's hands.

isn't that cool?  don't you think good choices help you feel free?!

choices are a gift!

-drawing a rainbow.
i had two kids come up.  i asked them to draw me a rainbow on a piece of paper.
i gave one kid (the younger one) a whole bag of crayons.
i gave the other kids one white crayon.
it was funny watching them draw and hearing the kids respond.
we are SO blessed to have MANY choices in life.

God Gave us CHOICES.
we talked about how choices are a way that we can show God what we believe.
-spelling test.
i said i was going to give them a multiple choice test.
i asked how do you spell SMILE?
then i wrote on the board a) SMILE

i asked, who thinks the answer is A.

i told them all how smart they all were and they laughed.
they told me why they needed more choices to prove that they knew how to spell it.
exactly.

we talked about the fact that we ALWAYS have agency.
-Sitting down.
i asked a kid to sit in a chair at the front of the room.
we talked about the choices that he had.
then i tied him to the chair with a big rope and asked, "So now, did i take away his agency?"

the kids came up with the many choices he still had.

-i showed a WHIP.
we talked about Nazi Germany.
how the Nazi's took people from their homes, killed their families, stole their money, starved them, forced them to work, took their clothes, shaved their heads and even changed their name to a number.
i asked if the prisoners had any choices?
then we talked about Victor Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning.
I LOVE THIS MAN and the great lesson he has taught about man's innate gift- the ability to choose.
i read part of this quote.
Victor Frankl—

We can answer these questions from experience as well as on principle. The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action. There were enough examples, often of a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.

Seen from this point of view, the mental reactions of the inmates of a concentration camp must seem more to us than the mere expression of certain physical and sociological conditions. Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp

we ALWAYS have a choice.
-i talked about BILL CLINTON (oh yes i did)
how in college he was in a circle where they were passing around drugs and he put the joint to his lips but didn't inhale.
i asked the kids what choice he had in that situation.

i promised them that someday they would THINK they had no choice.

but that would be wrong.

we can ALWAYS choose the right. 

-Groan or Grow... BOW or BOAT.

i showed a kid's bow.

in the book of mormon there is a story about a family who is asked to leave Jerusalem and travel to the promised land (America). 1 Nephi 16
while in the Jerusalem wilderness they encounter many trials.
one of which is that the only metal bow they have to hunt for food BREAKS and they are starving.
two of the brothers choose to grumble and complain against God.
Nephi, the righteous example, prays and asks for help.  He tries to build a bow out of wood.  He is blessed to get food for his family.

after reading that story i asked the kids why God would let such a bad thing happen to Nephi.
he was doing what was right.
didn't God love Nephi?
as we were talking i realized that Nephi's metal bow COULD NOT have lasted forever.
they were travelling to a new land, they NEEDED to learn to make tools so they could hunt and feed their families.
Nephi's bow breaking was God's way of helping him learn to build greater things.
A few chapters later, Nephi needs to build a BOAT that they travel in across the ocean.
Nephi needed to learn to build a BOW because God knew he needed to build a BOAT.
even if you don't believe in the Book of Mormon-- there is great truth in this story.
so often God lets us have little failures in life so that we can develop skills that we will need later in life. 
when hard times come we have a CHOICE.
GROW or GROAN.
it's not about the BOW it's about the BOAT. 

don't you love teaching lessons because you learn so much?
i love thinking about these things... and i love learning as i teach.
agency is a good thing.

i cycle.

the older i get (yes, i am the big 3-4), the more i see patterns in my life.

cycles.

seasons.

i am beginning to recognize life's seasons
and to flow with or through the cycle instead of buck against them.

i have learned to find joy in summer fun and peace in winter hibernation.

i love the quote by William Blake, 

"In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy."

i have felt a gratitude cycle.

times when i am feeling abundant, blessed, grateful and generous.

during these seasons my prayers are overflowing with gratitude... tears come quickly to my eyes as i think of all that my Father in Heaven has blessed me with.

There are other times when i am feeling sparse, jealous, wanting and needy.

during these seasons my planner is full of lists- things i need for me and my family.

i feel overwhelmed with an inability to have enough, enough time, enough money, enough sleep, etc., etc.

everything is heavy and just out of reach.

surprisingly, i have learned that often my season of wanting comes during a time when i really do need something.

when i tell myself that i should just be grateful for what i have, that i'm too worldly and ungrateful... my feelings of discontent grow.  

like i'm telling my hungry body to diet... food becomes and obsession.

if i respond differently...

if i feel myself wanting and i trust myself.

i trust that i am good, that my desires are good, and that i have a Father in Heaven who wants to bless me with everything that i desire that is good.

when i am patient and prayerful and give myself permission to want...

i see the windows of heaven open.

God blesses me with ALL my wants or in time He changes my heart so i don't want anymore.

when i give my wants to Him, instead of hide them from him, i slide naturally and gently into a season of abundance and gratitude.

i love this cycle.

and this quote by George Santayana,

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring."

I have also recognized a cycle of discipline.

there are distinct seasons of my life when i am prompted to be firm, disciplined, structured, ordered, strict, and consistent with my children.

i see example of really great mothers around me who are very disciplined and i want to be more like them.

i become more consistent with chores and accountability, reverence and teaching.

i limit screen time.

i crave schedules and routine.

i hear my Father whispering for me to sign my kids up for piano lessons or teaching me the goodness that comes from them being a part of a team.  

this season of my life is almost always followed by a season of relaxed, gentle, unstructured, simple, emotional, tenderness.

i am continually prompted to be still, to really see my children, to forget the schedule and enjoy the moment, to slow down, to come home, to enjoy and not to enforce.

i see examples all around me of mothers who are loving and kind and gentle and i want to be more like them.

i become more inconsistent with chores and more consistent with loving kindness.

my home is messier, my creativity is greater, my kids play more and work less.

i begin to hibernate at home and crave days filled with family and no outside contact.

i hear my Father whispering, love them more, enjoy them more, this time is short, they are OK just the way they are... read more stories, make more messes, let them be little, love them imperfect.

i LOVE this cycle.

there are other cycles i experience...

the cycle of intimacy or closeness with my spouse, family, friends.

that continual drifting apart and pulling closer together.
we have a "come to Jesus" talk and wonder when we drifted apart and how we can stay close.
and then we remember... that is the state of things... and continual waxing and waning.
as long as we're not DAMNED, we are good.

it is beautiful.

the cycle of service.

being focused on home and family, feeling the urge to reach out, reaching too far, coming home.

it is life.

the cycle of creation or decoration.

times when i am immersed in the joy of creating, making beautiful, using my gifts and talents. 

days when my family eats hot dogs and mac n cheese while i sew quickly and bask in a room full of goodness, late nights and beautiful mess.
my home is transformed, pictures re-hung, centerpieces slightly altered.

i notice beauty in the details and my life smiles with my creation

and, there are times when i need to pack up my craft room and create a healthy meal.
times when my house decor fades into the background.
my focus is who is sitting on my couch not what the pillows look like.
i go months without making a single thing.

the cycle of friendship and social life.

months where we invite people over often, we make new friends, we serve, we party, we attend.
our car is messy and our home is full.

and there are months where we are quiet homebodies living in our jammies...
(ok, maybe not months... but weeks.)

the cycle of order.

times when i am ok with dressers packed tightly and times where i overhaul, purge, re-label and donate.

cycles of order do not mean that i am unorganized.

even organized people have times of re-organization.

i even read in cycles.

in the past i have felt guilty for my cycles.

i have felt that my need for continual re-evaluation was a sign of my inability to ever get it right.

i have looked back at blogs i have written "teach your children" and thought, "oh, i was WRONG, just LOVE them."

and then i laugh.

the older i have gotten the more i have realized that God rarely says "NO" or "WRONG" or "NEVER"

He usually says, "NOT NOW."

He usually tells me, "Try this today..."  

NOT, "Yesterday you were dumb."

perhaps while i am swinging there are those who are enjoying life calmly in the middle ground.

perhaps there are those who are forever spring.

but, i cycle.

and in the midst of my inability to control the weather, i have learned to listen to the weather man.

i have learned to recognize the storm clouds in the distance.

i've learned to pull back a little.

grab an umbrella.

plan a date.

read another story.

skip nap time.

make a list.

empty out a closet.

pull out a project i've been dreaming of.

cancel a commitment.

remember last year

and ENJOY where i'm at.

life is about learning and growth.

weathering each new season with dignity and diligence.

today, i feel a spark of creation growing 

(more of a quilt-y/crafty spark than a living, breathing, not sleeping spark)  :)

today, i feel a call to slow down.

today, i feel a call to serve.

today, i feel a tug towards my ancestors...

today, i want to be purposeful in my travel and enjoy my stays at home.

 i am grateful for the seasons of my life.

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.

Chinese Proverb

15 minute monday.

ready, go.

1. BEST BOOK EVER-- i LOVE the Cook's Illustrated cookbook.  It is FABULOUS.  Santa left it for Jakob, because he knew mom really wanted it.  i find myself just reading the pages.  it is a scientific cookbook (perfect for boys).  it not only gives you the recipe, it tells you WHY it has you do certain things.  It is very specific in the HOWs and WHYs.  i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.  really.  i've learned so much.  we are eating really great food (jakob just made a key lime pie last night.  mmm.)  i made awesome pizza on Friday.  this is the FIRST cookbook where i actually FOLLOW the recipe.  i think this cookbook is smarter than me...  check it out.

2.  PARENTING TIP- my mother in law reminded me about "code words".  i think think this will be PERFECT for one of my kids.  we just have a little talk someday about a goal we're working on and in the heat of the moment i just flash out the code word with a smile and i'm able to remind them everything they need to know without the whole family's input.  Great Idea!!

3.  CHRISTMAS- is just getting put away at my house... this has lasted TOO long.  next year i'm going to finish shopping by halloween.  decorate RIGHT after thanksgiving and clean up before New Years.  remind me ok?

chiweenie-- these are NOT cute dogs.  this is a picture from the internet.
we may or may not be getting a dog like this.
i may or may not be half crazy and completely tenderhearted to the plight of 7 wanting children
and one sad doggy that needs a home...  seriously??!!

4. RAT DOG-  we accidentally took a trip to the pound on Saturday.  i may or may not be purchasing dog food today.  why is it easier for me to get pregnant again than commit to a four-legged friend?

5. SECOND BEST BOOK EVER- Through His Eyes, by Virginia Pearce.  i read this gem of a book in one evening.  it was beautiful and gentle and just what i needed to hear.  you know those times in your life when you over-react to a situation and you're not sure where the passion came from?  this book helps you identify thought patterns that are destructive and replace them with ETERNAL TRUTHS.  i LOVED it.  i am enjoying MANY moments of pondering and evaluating...

get funky!

did you miss me?
oh, how i enjoyed my sabatical.  :)

i've had such an interesting week.
for a long time i've been really happy.
busy but happy.
this month started out and i just got into a funk.
same life, just felt heavier.
things that should be joyful felt like burdens.
kids that made me laugh days before caused me to cry at night thinking i had failed...
not a big, horrific bout of depression... but enough of a difference that i was not sure how to zap myself back.

here are some things that i learned.
#1--  Attitude is EVERYTHING.
I watched my friend put her kids to bed... she acted like it was no big deal, just bedtime.
She helped them into their jammies, prayed, brushed teeth, tucked them in, tucked them in again when they got out, and life was good, calm, happy.
Something happens at my house before bedtime.
I get into survival mode.  I hunker down.  Todd and I cast lots-- You do bed, I'll finish up the kitchen.  No, I'll do the kitchen, you do the kids.
You can feel us preparing for war before we even do the FIRST call for evening prayer.
I'm trying not to shift my attitude for bedtime.
I'm trying to make it more an extension of our day.
I expect that my kids will behave, instead of prepare for war.
And, it works.
Bedtime isn't that bad-- if I don't have a tantrum.
I'm trying to be MERRY and BRIGHT.
it feels so good.

#2--  Actions are EVERYTHING.
I was feeling down about Christmas.
I was reminded by the Spirit that the true joy of Christmas is GIVING and SERVING.
I increased my Christmas Giving and decreased my Christmas worry.
I feel JOY.
At the grocery store the other day i saw a woman put back celery because she didn't have enough money.
I had a generous thought.
I talked myself out of it and continued on my way.
In a split second decision, I left my cart in the doorway and ran back to ACT.
Joy filled my soul.
We are blessed when we serve.

#3-- Perspective is EVERYTHING.
I have a child that is a bit sneaky and a bit dishonest.
This is new for me.
My two girls are getting a bit older and seem pretty Sassy.
It scares me.
A friend reminded me about Jakob, a couple years ago.
He was a BEAST every, single Sunday.
He never wanted to go to Church.
He even kicked a hole in our wall once.
I had COMPLETELY forgotten that.
Really, to me, he is just a pretty darn amazing kid that I never worry about.

And, i have HOPE that my two girls are also pretty darn amazing kids.
I do need to teach them (not to sneak their 5 inch high-healed DRESS UP black boots to church, hide my dangling earrings in their backpacks, wear eyeshadow or eat 5 lunch treats while hiding in the bathroom).
Teach them, YES.  Worry that they are going to get pregnant by age 13.  Not yet.
My kids see themselves through my eyes.
My perspective is so important.
I am continually teaching principles.
I am raising imperfect, completely normal, AMAZING kids.
Perspective is EVERYTHING.

#4--  Remembering is EVERYTHING.
I was reminded again, that it is not my job to keep my house in order, raise my children, serve at Church, care for my extended family members, encourage my husband, etc., etc. 
It's not my job.
It's God's.
My job is to LISTEN to what He wants me to do and DO it.
I LOVE this quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell... he is telling reasons why we become weary...
"First, we forget that while we work with others, we are working for Him!  Working for "them" can be very wearying.  Our naive insistence on seeing rapid results is intensified when we work for "them"; our expectations become unrealistic and, therefore, are not fulfilled.  This weariness is of our own making, real as it is.  But when we truly work for Him rather than for others, we will be less cluttered, less frantic-- and more effective.  We will also actually be more helpful to "them".  

don't you love that? i love it.
The Lord is my shephard.
He is my King, my deliverer, my ALL.

one more great quote from Elder Maxwell...
"True exhilieration, the incomparable antidote to weariness, comes from knowing and from conforming to our true identity and our true purposes on this planet.  Purposelessness, however, brings a terrible weariness."

We have SUCH purpose as mothers in Zion.
We have SUCH purpose this month!
How can we bring the Celebration of Christ to those we love?!!
How can we teach?  How can we serve?  How can we feel that joy?
I know it is possible.
Even amidst life's funk.
Merry Christmas!

the handmaid of the Lord.

i love this.
we are so blessed.

sacred pumpkin- EDITED.

i feel sorry for pumpkins.
they are a good squash, that has gotten materialized.
today, so many use pumpkins just as decoration- then throw them away.
(they are a symbol of Halloween and thanksgiving- not of Christmas.)
i have done this for years.
to me, the pumpkin is a symbol of WASTE in America.
a country that has so much, we use food as decoration and then trash them by the thousands.
we throw away thousands, if not hundreds of thousands... and yet COMPLAIN when we can't even BUY canned pumpkin at Wal-Mart.
what is wrong with this picture?
(hah!  some people are passionate about health care-- i am passionate about pumpkins!  not pumpkins really, WASTE.  i feel the gluttony of our American waste.  The things we throw away makes me sad.)

my husband is working with people in 3rd world countries.
people who would be grateful for a pumpkin to eat.

i've kept my perfectly healthy, happy, round pumpkins on my fireplace, because i felt guilty throwing them away.
yesterday i gutted them.
i had my little girls help me pick out the seeds (much more fun than watching Diego, again).
i roasted the seeds with a little salt in the oven at 170* for the afternoon.
they taste great.

i BUY pumpkin seeds every month to put in my granola... and yet i throw away my Halloween pumpkins?!

seriously.

i stuck my halved pumpkins on a cookie sheet and roasted them in my other oven at 350* while i did laundry and straightened up. 

they cooked for about an hour, until my house started to smell like pumpkin pie.

i scraped the pulp and put it in the fridge.

this morning i blended it in the blender, got some jars out and scooped the guts inside.

i'm steaming them in the canner as i type.

(frozen pumpkin works great for pies and bread and is currently the most recommended form of pumpkin storage.)

i like mine for baby food-- and so i'm canning it in smaller jelly jars.

i keep thinking.

we throw these away-- and then we pay $1 for a half a cup of baby food squash.

we are a weird people.

and, as i de-gutted my pumpkin i looked at it like a killed deer.

i felt that the food we are given is sacred.

that i can be a better steward.

i thought of the pilgrims and the Indians, and i vowed to be more grateful.
we have so much.

today, i found holiness in a pumpkin.

EDIT--
We got a text from my SUPER-CANNING husband's cousin's wife...
she informed me that pumpkin needs to be canned with a pressure canner-- which i didn't do.
so, if i don't want my baby to die from botulism, i better freeze it or re-can it.
can you even do that?
anyway... like most of my GOOD INTENTIONS... this may end up down the drain after all.
dumb pumpkin.

random good things.

beautiful oregon.

1.  Volunteering at school.
i have a love/hate relationship with volunteering at school.  i love being in the school with my kids, getting to know the students and staff.  i don't like filing Tuesday folder papers while the teachers sit and talk together.  my time is valuable.  my time is my most sacred commodity.  Today was JUST what i love!!  I went to Ellie's class and for one hour i taught them how to be more descriptive.  We wrote thank you letters to their mothers.  I had copied some calligraphy/fun fonts on a handout for them and on their final draft they used fancy handwriting.  I brought Eve and Lily with me along with a cute home schooled girl from church.  it was perfect.  one hour, in the classroom, really doing what i love to do and leaving my small fingerprint.  Next week we're painting canvas pictures of their mothers... and in January I get to come up with an art project that goes along with the immigration unit.  i love it.

2.  Little House on the Prairie Wisdom.
"Jack's afraid of something," Mary said.
"Jack's not afraid of anything, ever!" Laura contradicted.
"Laura, Laura," Ma said.  "It isn't nice to contradict."
oh, i learn something every day from that saint of a Ma.

3.  Talking about Marriage.
I have a friend who made an off-handed statement to me one day that she and her husband were fighting.  Every time I see them I think they're fighting.  I find myself analyzing their marriage interactions.  Today, I wondered how many times I have made off-handed, casual statements to others about silly disagreements todd and i have? i wonder if weeks after i've said something people look at us and think we have a struggling marriage.  i need to be more careful with my words.

can you find anna?  she's singing at a retirement home.

4.  Fuel or Water.
Drew is a teaser.  Today Anna was having a hard day.  She was the lunch helper and had to leave early for lunch.  She didn't get to finish her worksheet, so she tried to finish it when she got back and missed her teacher explaining the next worksheet.  And then her teacher went on to Math and she was still trying to finish her Social Studies-- which was about Texas, and she saw Lubbock on there.  And, she felt homesick.  So, she put her head on her desk and fake cried.  (She really said that, I can't make this stuff up...)  And then, Leah unplugged her vacuum when she was trying to get her jobs done... and THEN drew grabbed the cord and started teasing her... that was the final straw.  (Oh, it is hard being a 4th grade perfectionist.)  I had a chance to chat with drew.  I explained that sometimes people are smoldering.  Today, it was Anna.  He had the choice to add fuel to the fire or water.  It was an inspired analogy, I learned as I taught.  And, I was grateful.  For a cranky 4th grader, a teasey 6th grader, and an omniscient Father who whispers just what I need to know when I need to know it.  God is good.{He who drinks of these waters shall never thirst...} I want to be like the Water more often.

5.  Surfing Laundry.
i wrote this post about SURFING housework.  My main idea was that sometimes changing housework from a duty to a passion inspires you to enjoy and not dread your work.  This is a true principle.  This week I have experimented with a new approach to laundry.  A friend of mine, who is amazing, told me this is what she does.  I have the kids bring up a basket with their dirty clothes in the morning.  I throw a load or two in quickly before I start my day, and I send them downstairs with a basket of clean clothes after school.  I feel like Superwoman!!  Everything in my house is washed, dried, folded and PUT AWAY...  laundry isn't mountainous, it's simple and neat.  Laundry has become a daily background NOT a focus.  Sometimes I wonder why it has taken me so long to learn these principles.  I think it is because God knew I needed to struggle-- in the struggling to find order in my home I have learned empathy.  I have learned to cherish true principles of order.  When you're drowning, try surfing, you may find that you really, really like it.

Oh, how I'm loving December.
i hope you are too!
thanks for listening to my rambles.
have a great weekend.

thankful for professors.

have i told you how much the professor loves johnny cash?

this year, when i'm counting my blessing, i'm thanking the Lord made YOU.
Can i tell you something?
my greatest blessing-- ever-- is the great man i'm married to.
he's the best thing that ever happened to me.
every day i know God loves me because He led me to Todd.
today, he's finishing up our laundry, he woke up early with my baby so i could sleep, and he made two homemade pies (pecan and squash).
i LOVE this man.
i'm so blessed.

thankful for prayer. and phones. and produce.

yesterday i was trying to open a container of cranberry juice and it was stuck.
lily said, "i'm going to pray about you mom."
leah bowed her head and prayed.
when i opened the juice a few seconds later, leah exclaimed, "See mom, it worked! Jesus healed you."
i am thankful for prayer and faithful toddlers.

EVERY time i am down i know that joy is just a phone call away.
i am so grateful for my sweet friends and family that help to raise my spirits and inspire my soul from across the country.
what would i do without long distance?
thank you.
again.
and again.
for phone ministries.

and, i love produce.
a friend just told me about a great farmers market not to far from here.
we got boxes of squash and potatoes and apples...
oh, produce brings joy to my soul.
even as i'm scraping roasted squash off the skins to freeze for baby food.
i still love it.

thanksgiving is tomorrow.
i'm off to straighten my house and cook some meals.
TONIGHT we're having our Starvation Dinner.
you can read about last year's here... it is one of my FAVORITE traditions.
we eat black beans and rice and watch you tube videos of people who have trials in life...
here is a link to some of the videos we have watched in the past...
http://toddnjenifermoss.blogspot.com/2009/11/thankful.html

what do you do the day before thanksgiving?

thankful for motherhood.

i just read this post... about my dear friend who has been waiting many months to adopt and after having her sweet baby for 8 days, it fell through.

my heart strings ripped for her.

and for all who struggle with fertility.
i love this line she wrote, "If fatherhood were merit based, he would have a dozen kids."
the best people i know have struggled with infertility.

every day, i'm grateful for the fullness of my life.

my heart aches for those who are lonely.

today, i'm so grateful for motherhood.

so very grateful.

thankful for family.

today, i'm thankful for my family.
this weekend we sang at a memory loss assisted card facility, where my friend's mother is a resident.
it touched my heart.
i also talked with a few of my friends who have had their parents pass away unexpectedly.

i realized just how grateful i am for my family.
i'm thankful to have a mother and father who are both alive.
i'm thankful for my grandfather.
i'm thankful to have a mother and father in law, and a great-grandmother in law.

i'm thankful for my sisters and brothers, for my sisters and brothers in law.
i'm thankful for my cute nephews and nieces... and for my sweet niece who we're still expecting.
i'm thankful for sweet aunts and funny uncles that are all across the world.
i'm thankful for all my cousins-- who i grew up with and who i married into.
i love you all.
i'm thankful for your touch in my life.

i'm going to do better at appreciating my family more.
families are eternal... but life is short.
i hope that today, my family knows how much i love them.
i really do love you.

i am so blessed.

on forgiveness in marriage.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote-


O man, forgive thy mortal foe,
Nor ever strike him blow for blow.
For all the souls on earth that live,
To be forgiven, must forgive.
Forgive him seventy times and seven;
For all the blessed souls in Heaven
Are both FORGIVERS and FORGIVEN.


todd and i were asked to speak to couples about "forgiveness in marriage."
we were part of a small marriage seminar with two other speakers, "love in marriage" and "trust in marriage".
i laughed that we were asked to talk about forgiveness... hmmm?!


Before we were asked to speak, I had been browsing our library and found the book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by President Spencer W. Kimball.  (It has seriously become one of my favorite books ever.)
i picked it out and started reading.  i had the thought, "I really want to read this, but i feel a bit stupid because i don't have any huge sins i'm trying to repent of."
i am SO glad that i didn't stop... and so glad that i got a call a few days later asking us to speak.
we have learned so much as we've studied FORGIVENESS together.
truly, forgiveness is a beautiful concept-- and, repentance and forgiveness are ESSENTIAL for a good marriage.


When Todd and i were first married, we lived in the basement of his parents' house for a summer.
Shortly after returning from our honeymoon, we got into an argument about whose job it was to take out our trash (his, of course).
i remember being rather dramatic and emphatic.
he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands and said, OUT LOUD, with a sigh, "Oh man.  WHAT have i gotten myself into?!"
hah!  i knew i would never forget those words. that was officially the END of the honeymoon and the beginning of real life together.


i don't believe that LOVING a spouse is something that just comes naturally.
Like parenting, it takes much to learn the art of being a good wife.
Perhaps I feel this way because I was not raised in a home with good husband/wife examples... but, i have a feeling all of us go through a learning curve when it comes to marriage.
I have been drawn to this scripture OFTEN.
Titus 2:4
TEACH THE YOUNG WOMEN to be sober, TO LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste KEEPERS AT HOME.
i am continually learning how to love my God, to love my husband, to love my children, to love my neighbor, and to be a keeper at home.
it is a process and a becoming...  it is my quest.


i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote by Brigham Young.
“Were I a woman possessed of great powers of mind, filled with wisdom, and, upon the whole, a magnanimous woman, and had been privileged with my choice, and had married a man, and found myself DECEIVED, he not answering my expectations, and I being sorry that I had made such a choice.  Let me show my wisdom BY NOT COMPLAINING about it.  A woman’s wisdom and judgment has failed her once in the choice of a husband, and it may again, if she is not very careful.  By seeking to cast off her husband—by withdrawing her confidence and good will from him, she casts a dark shade upon his path, when by pursuing a proper course of love, obedience, and encouragement, he might attain to that perfection she had anticipated in him.”


As i've thought about HUSBANDS, i have come to realize that wives have much power in shaping and encouraging.  It is so important that we learn to love our husbands, to have FAITH in their potential, to SEE them the way God sees them


All of us are IMPERFECT, WEAK, and at times SINFUL.
Even a really great marriage is REALLY hard.
Even a really great marriage NEEDS forgiveness.
Even AFTER you divorce, not forgiving can ROB you of PEACE.


Forgiveness is LOVING AN IMPERFECT PERSON.
Forgiveness is turning your spouse over to God and letting God replace your stony heart with a heart full of love for your spouse.
Much of forgiveness is the WORDS we speak.
As you share your testimony with others, your testimony is strengthened.
The same is true of LOVE.
If you gripe and complain and rehash the weakness and sins of your spouse... you will become increasingly discontent.
you will see his glaring weakness and love will fade.
if, you choose to forgive, encourage, hope for, and love your spouse... your love will grow.

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you; and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.”  Ezek. 36:25-26

a letter from the first presidency says we should say, “let God judge between me and thee. But as for me, I will forgive.” Latter-day saints who harbor a feeling of unforgiveness in their souls are more censurable than the one who has sinned against them... dismiss the feeling of unforgiveness and cultivate in your souls that spirit of Christ who cried out upon the cross, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.


It is a commandment to forgive all men, whether or not they have repented.


todd talked about the importance of confession in marriage.
he told of a time early in our marriage when he got a parking ticket.
he had paid the ticket and not told me about it, because he was embarrassed.
during an interview with one of his church leaders, he was reminded NEVER to keep things from his spouse.
dishonesty and hiding is just the first step to greater sins.
{i hope i was kind when he finally did tell me about that ticket.}
when you have a relationship of love and trust in your marriage-- confession will be a regular, unifying communication.
todd has always been a kind, nurturing husband-- i have always found strength and support when i turn to him and confess my sins/weaknesses.
how important it is for us to be completely honest with our spouse.


Forgiveness is the greatest gift of God- both to be forgiven and to forgive.
“Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships:
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”


Matt 7:34
Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and behold, a beam is in thine own eye.”


NOTE--  I wondered about the MOTE and the BEAMS...  I wondered, what if you DO have the mote and he has the beam.  I was taught-- WHEN YOU DON'T FORGIVE, you ALWAYS HAVE THE BEAM.  always.  No matter what your spouse has done.  Unforgiveness is ALWAYS a beam in your eye-- a beam that will hurt you and make SEEING others very difficult.

Ye ought to forgive one another.  For he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord.  For their remaineth in him the greater sin.



Don't you love the story of Corrie Ten Boom, a holocaust survivor and speaker?
After speaking to a large group one day, she met a man who was a former Nazi guard whom she remembered from her camp.  She said,


“I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face-to-face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.

“ ‘You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk,’ he was saying, ‘I was a guard there.’ No, he did not remember me.
“ ‘But since that time,’ he went on, ‘I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein,’ again the hand came out—’will you forgive me?’
“And I stood there—I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven—and could not forgive. Betsie had died in that place—could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?
“It could not have been many seconds that he stood there—hand held out—but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.
“For I had to do it—I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’
“I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.
"And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion—I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ‘… Help!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’
“And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.
“ ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’
“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then”


Don't you LOVE Corrie Ten Boom?  I have felt that forgiving, loving current MANY times as i have prayed with full energy of heart- Father, HELP ME TO LOVE THIS MAN or THIS CHILD or THIS WOMAN.  Help me to forgive, and fill me with YOUR love.
Charity is the pure love of Christ... and it is a gift bestowed upon all those who are believers.
i love "forgiveness is not an emotion, it is an ACT OF WILL that can function regardless of the temperature of the heart." 
we provide the ACT, and He provides the HEART.
love it!!


Elder Faust says, “Forgiveness is not always instantaneous... Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.”


i thought a lot about SIN and SINNERS.
i have learned that Satan does not work hard on us or our spouse because we are weak and evil.
He works hard on us because we are SO GOOD.
Satan knows who we are and what we can become.
He works hardest on the BEST.
You can HATE him.  Hate Satan, HATE sin.  Recognize that SIN hurts and is wrong.
And, at the same time you can LOVE your spouse.
Love imperfect people who are sometimes weak.
Forgive by understanding that none of us can overcome without Christ's atoning power.


i have thought about the Law of Chastity.
we are often taught how we can BREAK it, but not often how we can LIVE it.
Law of Chastity—do not have any sexual relations before marriage and be completely FAITHFUL to your spouse after marriage.  Perhaps, being faithful is more than just a reference to physical intimacy. 
Perhaps, being faithful to your spouse is a state of mind.
Faith = hope for things which are NOT SEEN which are true.
FAITH—have faith in GOD’s ability to be GOD. He is a perfect judge and a perfect teacher. GOD loves you and your spouse. God KNOWS you and your spouse. God will teach HIM and God will teach YOU. He can help you LOVE an imperfect person by showing you their goodness.
As I strive to live the law of chastity with my whole heart and soul, I am drawn closer to my spouse physically, mentally and emotionally.  I love him for who he is AND who he can become.


He can help you forgive others and forgive yourself by replacing your heart with HIS.
Forgiveness sometimes needs WORDS.
Write down the SIN!! Write down your anger and your hate and your hurt. Acknowledge the wrong and the sin. Speak it if you need to.
Then, GIVE THE LIST TO GOD.


Say the words, I FORGIVE YOU FOR... THIS IS WRONG, and I forgive you for being weak. Forgive YOURSELF for sins and weakness. I forgive myself for... I am weak and I am getting better. I forgive myself that I am not perfect today.
PRAY WITH ALL ENERGY OF HEART THAT YOU WILL BE FILLED WITH THIS LOVE.
You are NOT stupid if you LOVE an imperfect person.
YOU ARE NOT.


Forgiveness is a CHOICE we must make- for peace in this life and salvation in the life to come.
Forgiveness is LOVING an imperfect person. Loving a weak person, not loving Satan or sin.
Forgiveness is Praying with all energy of heart, Speaking kind words, Remembering that we are also imperfect, Loving the person while hating their sin, Desiring empathy, Desiring more love, RECOGNIZING AND REPENTING of OUR sins.
Repenting and Forgiving go HAND IN HAND.


NOTE-- I am CHEWING this concept currently...  Finding fault in other people is a SIGN that YOU HAVE UNREPENTANT SINS.  When you properly REPENT of your sins and weaknesses, you will NATURALLY be more forgiving of other people's sins and weaknesses.


We talked about the difference between sins and weakness.
I noticed this in my own life...
Sometimes, I am heading back from a shopping trip.
My stomach is tight and in knots.  I know that I have spent too much money, been gone too long and probably bought things that i do not need.
I feel sick and, if i continue on my way home, my tendency is to enter my house cranky and immediately be defensive, sensitive, and cranky with my spouse.
i have learned to talk to myself, out loud.
(Yes, you can laugh at me.)
I say things like, "Jen, it's ok that you were weak at the store.  I forgive you for not being perfect yet.  I know that you had good intentions.  It is hard to be a good steward.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  You did not sin, you are just weak.  I forgive you for being weak.  Next time you can do better." 
When I give myself permission to be imperfect, I am more forgiving of my imperfect spouse. 
Even if I AM sinning, I can do the same thing.  Recognize my sin.  Accept that I am imperfect and begin the steps to repentance.


1. Godly Sorrow For Sin
2. Abandonment of Sin
3. Confession of Sin
4. Restitution for Sin
5. Obedience to God’s Law.


Satan wants us to HIDE when we see our NAKEDNESS.
in marriage we are to CLEAVE unto one another-- in our NAKEDNESS.
we don't always get spiritual implants.
sometimes our spouse has to see us how we really are- in our natural, imperfect state- and love us still.
Forgiveness is loving an imperfect person, and allowing an imperfect person to love you back.


The solution to the problems of life require understanding and forgiveness...
If the spirit of kindly, tenderhearted forgiveness of one another could be carried into every home, selfishness and distrust and bitterness which break so many homes and families disappear and men would live in peace.



i have learned much not only from studying forgiveness in marriage but from practicing it.
i can honestly say that my marriage is STRONGER because of the opportunities i have had to forgive and be forgiven.
perhaps, it is easier to love an imperfect person than a person with no flaws because the ACT OF FORGIVING SINS glues your hearts together through the atonement of Christ.
perhaps, i am tied tight to my Savior and redeemer because of my many sins and weaknesses that He has forgiven for me.

i'm sorry that this post is just a modge-podge of ideas.

because of the professor, we were much more organized in our presentation than i have been writing this post.

hope you love these thoughts as much as i have.

“And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32

Happy Veteran's Day!