Happy Mother's Day!

Elder Deiter F. Uchdorf, "Happiness, Your Heritage"

"If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them."

Elder M. Russel Ballard, "Daughters of God"

"What can . . . young mother[s] [do] . . . to reduce the pressure [of raising young children] and enjoy [their families] more? . . .

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."

all my kids (and my husband) wrote me mother's day poems.
i LOVE them.

Today I am grateful for my mothers, and for the opportunity to be a mother.

I firmly believe that MOTHERHOOD does not come with having children. 

Motherhood is an innate, sacred quality that all women possess. 

You can feel the yearnings of motherhood in young girls as they hide baby dolls under their shirts or nurture their younger siblings.

Motherhood is a skill that we become better at with practice.

I have often felt that Motherhood is next to Godhood.

We create.  We nurture.  We comfort.  We heal.  We cleanse.  We forgive.  We serve.  We nourish.  We cherish.  We teach.  We sacrifice. 

We try... every day, to be the best we can be for those we love as much as we know how.

my morning was not glamorous, but it was FILLED with love.  baby eve wanted to spend every moment of this day with me, starting at 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, 6am...  she JUST went to sleep (around 10:30 am)... i think she'll sleep ALL day, so she'll be ready for our evening bonding tonight.  not much sleeping at my house-- but TONS of sweet baby bonding.

I LOVE being a mother!!

things i love.

There are a few things that I am LOVING these days...

1. Aden and Anais blankets-- they are not too hot and perfect for my baby who loves to be swaddled.  You can buy them at Target or Amazon.  They remind me of those muslin dish clothes.  i LOVE them.

2. Nursing tank tops-- i bought mine from Target- (Giligan & O'Malley Women's side sling nursing tank tops.)  I intended to wear them just at night.  With my other kids I wore my nursing bra night and day for months.  But, I love them so much I wear them all the time.  They are better than my nursing bras because I can nurse and my tummy is covered the whole time (with nursing bras you have to pull up your shirt and tank tops to nurse).  Sometimes I wear them over my nursing bras.  They are so comfortable.  First, I bought a white one, then later a black one.  I wore my tank top under the hospital gown when I gave birth-- I wanted black so it wouldn't stain when they handed me a bloody baby.  Love them!

3. Motherlove-- A friend of mine told me about this company.  I used 4 tubes of Medela Lansinoh cream and still had raw, open blisters on my chest.  I tried a lot of different things, but what finally worked was Motherlove.  I bought both their Nipple Cream, and their Diaper Rash and Thrush cream.  The diaper rash and thrush cream can be used on your chest-- and when the baby nurses it helps with thrush.  I don't think I ever got a yeast infection, but the diaper rash and thrush ointment was thicker than Lansinoh and the nipple cream.  It provided a good barrier that helped me to finally heal.  I really recommend this stuff.

4. Banana Bread-- I have made this recipe 3 times in the past two weeks.  I know, not great for my post-baby diet, but it is really yummy. 

 5.  I should have five... but I don't.  So, I'll just stop at 4.

Have a great weekend!

one month.

I feel like shouting for joy!! 

Joy is running through my veins...

Guess what I did this weekend?

Yup, I nursed without pain. 

I held my baby, like a regular cradled baby, and I nursed her.

When your life is hard for a long time, you realize just how amazing "normal" is.

I've had a few "normal" mornings.
Where I feed baby eve and she is content for awhile afterwards.
She has not been content very often in her short life. 

Really, my life is still crazy.
Last week I tried to go to playgroup, which I thought was at the park near my house.
I bathed, bathed my baby, bathed my little girls. 
Got everyone dressed, dressed myself, did my hair, put the baby in a sling, put winter coats on my girls (it was very windy), wrapped a few blankets over the baby, and headed outside (to walk to the park).
Playgroup started at 10am, I didn't get out the door till 10:40 am.
We were supposed to bring a lunch, which I didn't pack. 
On the way across the street I told my girls that we would eat lunch at home after the park. 
Leah insisted "No mom, we're supposed to eat with our friends at the park."
So, I turned around and went home to grab some snacks-- a box of wheat thins and apples in a Ziploc.
While I was grabbing the snacks, our dog ran outside.
Leah ran across the street to catch him. 
She was across the street, holding on to his neck SOBBING that he was going to get hit by a car.
My baby was fussy by this point, so I was bouncing up and down.
Lily, the 2 year old, insisted that I hold her hand. 
And, I had a box of crackers and a Ziploc of apples in my other hand.
I handed Lily the crackers and apples and tried to grab the dog.
The dog will not walk when she thinks she is in trouble. 
Just then, the sister missionaries pulled up.
Can you imagine the sight?
Bouncing, fussy baby, crying 4 year old, trying to pull a stubborn dog, now crying 2 year old whose hand I had let go of... and, smiling mother who was really going crazy on the inside.

They asked, "Is there anything we can do to help?"

I told them, "Not really-- THIS IS MY CRAZY LIFE."

The dog ended up running away (she always comes back) and the sister missionaries ended up coming to my house.

My baby ended up crying for the next 20 minutes and my little girls ended up having a picnic on the family room floor.

I found out later that playgroup had been moved to McDonald's that day, because it was so cold. 
Oh, my life. 
The whole time the sister missionaries kept saying things like, "You are so patient.  You are super mom.  Your kids are so well behaved." 
I kept thinking-- are you kidding me? 
Later, a friend commented, "The difference between us with lots of kids and how we were with one is that we have learned to LOOK calm on the outside even when we are crying on the inside."
Yes, I used to throw more temper tantrums than my kids.
Honestly, if I LOOK like I have things put together-- I don't.
Really, on the inside I'm frazzled.

Today, I went to playgroup at the mall.

I still didn't get there until 10:40 am, but-- i felt pretty normal.
It was not insane.  It was fun. 
Slowly, we are getting it.

I am cooking dinner again. 
My baby is DARLING.
She's very bright eyed and loves to communicate. 
She is still fussy at night, but pretty good during the day.
She likes to be swaddled.
She LOVES to be held and I LOVE holding her.
(I'm definitely getiing my fill of newborn.)

She hates to be burped.
But, she's pretty burpy and gassy.

She has baby acne on her face-- I don't think any of my other kids got that.

She hates to be strapped into her car seat (I have to swaddle her and strap around her blanket).

She can be distracted with a pacifier, but I'm still not a big fan.
She's very smiley!

I have started trying to sleep with her in bed with me, or else I don't get any sleep at night.

Remember all that stuff I told you about perfect babies at night-- yeah, sleep, eat, awake doesn't really work with this baby.

I've started giving her to my big kids, even when she's fussy, and-- they are really good at calming her down.
Who knew?!

At church, there was a mom with a sleeping baby in the mother's lounge. 

I had to appologize right away because I knew we would wake her baby. 

Eve screams when she's hungry. 

I had a pacifier in her mouth, but once I take it out to start nursing, she screams.  Then she's happy nursing.  She screams again when we switch sides.  Happy nursing.  Screams again when I'm trying to burp her-- even though she is squirmy and fussy and obviously has a burp. 

Her cry is DARLING. 

She's still so tiny and is so emotional that really everyone melts when she cries.

This baby is so funny! 

one month.

oh, what a month it's been.
I guess the thing i've learned this month is that NORMAL feels so good.

We are blessed to be able to cook dinner, or spend an evening with our kids, or fold a load of laundry, or put on a shirt without pain.

My life is returning to a sense of normal and i'm loving the moments.

i LOVE this baby girl.

making babies.

i feel myself getting teary eyed just thinking about the title to my blog.
no, this is not a post about the birds and the bees... 
that is part of making a baby, but a very short part of it.

the real ACT of making babies takes months, even years.
a union of husband and wife sparks the creation process.
From the moment I conceive, I am changed.
For me, the earliest sign is my super-sonic nose.  I start smelling things that others can't smell, and I know. my senses are enhanced because I am creating.
The first few months are queasy, I just don't feel the same months.
Once you have miscarried, these months are full of hoping but not wanting to hope too much.
Right away you feel different.  More easily irritated, tired, pukey, bloated.
When you think about what your body is doing, these symptoms are mild.
You are creating another human being.  Creating nervous systems and body organs, a heart that beats and arms and legs...
While you are creating, those around you are learning empathy and forgiveness and patience.
My husband always realizes just how patient I normally am, when pregnancy takes my patience down a few notches.  He begins saying things like, "Wow honey, when you are not pregnant you really NEVER loose your patience with the kids."

Pregnancy is a stretching.  Physically, mentally, spritually, emotionally...  women really do live for their babies for 9 months.  Our bodies change, our minds begin to plan and prepare, our hormones fear and love, our stamina is tried, I becomes we.  We realize that there is much in life that we can not control.  We learn to submit to things we can't control and choose wisely things we can.  It is incredible.  Pregnancy in and of itself is an amazing experience of learning and growth and creation and sacrifice.

And then, there is the process of birth.

What a beautiful, amazing experience.  Again, women get the opportunity to sacrifice physically for another being.  In a small way experiencing what the Savior experienced as he atoned for all of our sins.  Although, birth is not only a time when we become more like the Savior, it is also a time when we learn to rely on Him.  It is through His grace that we experience all.  In our weakness we call out "Father if thou be willing remove this cup from me."  And, we feel Him near us, encouraging, supporting and sustaining us through our best and our most difficult moments.  Birth is beautiful.  All the world stops to welcome this new baby.  Moms are heralded as the deliverers of new life.  Conception is to pregnancy what birth is to the post partum time of life.

Conception and Birth are both short moments of change.  These acts are focused on and heralded as monumentous.  But the real changing, growing times are not moments.  The real changing and growth happens over weeks and months of stretching and learning and adjusting. 

Today, I am awed by the post partum time of life.
I have brought 7 babies home from the hospital.  And, I believe there is a forgetting that occurs as your children grow.  Because babies require so much, we are glued to them with such a strong love that we forget the sacrifice. 

I have a friend who delivered her 6th child without an epidural.  I talked to her shortly after her delivery.  She was so funny.  She told me how amazing it was, but was adament, "It HURT SO BAD.  I will NEVER do that again."  A couple of weeks later, we had a similar conversation about birth.  Things were so different.  Now, the AMAZING part was forefront in her mind and she can't wait to have another natural child birth.  Memory is an amazing thing.  We remember the strongest feelings-- and often those are positive.

Although I have had many children and not so long ago, I definitely fell prey to this positive memory way of thinking.  I really thought that once I delivered a baby everything would be AMAZING.

I forgot how hard it is. Making a baby is a process.  Welcoming a baby to earth is also a process.  During the post partum time, we are making room for a baby in our life, getting to know a new spirit, physically recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and adjusting to nursing and adjusting to a newborn's sleep schedule and adjusting to one more person who completely relys upon you.  It is tough and wonderful and life changing.

Physically, new mothers are exhausted.  Nine months of creating and holding a baby takes a toll on a body.  Every single pregnancy, I am amazed at my strong, beautiful body.  My body makes babies.  And, it takes a little while for my body to recover from making and delivering a baby.  This post partum body is really transition from an internal carrier to an external provider.  My body was bloated and bleeding and sore.  My tummy was trying to return to some pre-pregnancy state and my chest was trying to transition to become the sole nourishment for my new baby.  AMAZING. 

What a transition.  We don't give our bodies enough credit.  That baby comes out and immediately I'm depressed because I haven't morphed into my pre-pregnancy weight and shape.  I can hear my body saying, give me some time.  Our bodies are tired and hungry and sore.  And often, asked to go without sleep, exist on scanty meals we grab in between feedings, and squeezed into clothes that aren't quite our new size.  I wish I had cherished my post partum body.  Instead of picturing the sports illustrated swim suit model who was in a bikini weeks after delivering her baby, I wish I had pictured the succulent mother budda statues that I have seen.

And don't even get me started on the topic of breasts.  I have a new found respect for breasts after the past 4 weeks that I have endured.  Yes, endured.  Wow.  Our bodies create babies.  AND, our bodies feed them.  It is amazing how milk forms, how it provides the nutrients our baby needs, how it is always ready and waiting.  For sure there is a separation between body and spirit.  My body acts independantly to make milk.  My spirit chooses how to hold my baby, when to feed my baby, whether to nurse or use bottles, what ointment to put on, what breast pads/bras to use.  We do have choices, but there is much we can not control.  We can't force milk production, healing, illness. 

Isn't it incredible that women are learning to respond to a new baby at the same time we are learning to respond to changes in our bodies.  So much of our life is beyond our control.  Making babies teaches us to sacrifice our will.  Making babies teaches us to be humble, and prayerful.  To work hard.  To make good choices.  But ultimately, to RESPOND to the challenges that will come our way.  We learn to listen to our bodies and respond.  We learn to listen to our babies and respond.  We learn through trial and error.  We learn from books and other wise people around us.  And, no matter how many children you have, you are still out of control during this transition time of life.  Making a baby is really making a mother. 

And, making a mother is really become humble, meek, submissive, willing to submit to all things.

There is so much more to the post partum time of life that i haven't even touched on...  getting to know your baby, sleep, hormones, regaining control of your home and your life...   oh, it is an amazing transition period.

But, my baby is awake, and not very patient while i try and type this one handed... and so, my time to theorize is ended and I must go and become...

yes, making babies has made me.  and, i'm so grateful for the growing.

the royal wedding.

this is a real life shot of us yesterday afternoon when the professor got home from school... 
all three sound alseep
we were preparing for our early morning ROYAL WEDDING...

my little eve LOVES the ROYALS... 

she insists that we watched all the pre-wedding hype (till about 1 am)

and then certainly didn't want to miss the wedding at 4 am...

she liked kate's dress... and so did i.

and, as i watched a girl become a princess

feeding and rocking my fussy, late night, early morning baby

i thought to myself, i wouldn't trade my life-- even to be a queen.

i hope kate and william are as happy as i am someday.

moby wrap reject.

seriously.
i've tried my moby about 10 times since eve was born.
4 times, i tried it while watching "how to wear a moby" on you tube.
usually my baby is screaming for the 10 minutes that i'm trying to wrap the long fabric around by body, over my shoulder, under the strap on my tummy, around my waist and back to the front.
by the time i'm half-way tangled in fabric, and ready to stick her in it-- she's not too excited.
and i'm hot.
i've put her into the wrap about 8 times and usually she just screams, or tries to nurse because she is close to my chest... 
ONCE for a few minutes she fell asleep all scrunched up. 
and then, i had to figure out how to unwrap her and lay her in her bassinet, so she could get a good nap while i showered.

Today, i tried again.
10 minutes of tangled mess while my baby screamed.
5 minutes of her screaming inside the Moby.
and i'm officially NOT a fan of this wrap.

i'm sad, really. 
i had great hopes for days of hands-free moby wearing.
maybe it's me... maybe it's my baby... maybe it's just too early... 
but, we have not done well with the wrap idea thus far.

To all of you who LOVE your wrap, I am so happy for you...
you are much more PATIENT, and COORDINATED than i am.

I am a Moby Wrap Reject.

I did get a SLING, for free from some Internet company.  It is just one piece of fabric that i put arm and head through and slide my swaddled baby in.  The whole process takes less than 30 seconds and has saved me MANY times.  Slings I like... Moby wraps-- just aren't happening.

produce.

seriously, i LOVE produce.

fresh green beans at the grocery store make me smile and feel spring-y

are you laughing at me?

cooking a simple dinner with bright colors makes me happy... 

you too?

3 weeks.

eve woke up on Monday and she looked bigger.
her newborn clothes are starting to seem short.
i can tell she is growing-- from newborn to one month old.
it is so fun to get to know her, for her to become familiar.

this week has still been very hard.
eve is the fussiest baby i've had, and i'm still struggling with a bloody, raw chest.
i think if i could just heal EVERYTHING would be better.
the funny thing is, as hard as it has been for me to nurse this baby, i feel that she NEEDS me to nurse her.
the only time she is very content is when she is nursing.
and, as painful as it has been for me, it is also something that i love.
i just know things will get better sometime and i'll look back on these past few weeks a bit more sympathetic of other women who have a difficult time nursing.

because eve is a bit fussy, my other kids don't get much time to hold her.

they ask a lot but i usually say, "she has to eat" or "she has to burp" or "can't you see that she is screaming" or "not right now, she's sleeping." 
poor kids.
i'm hoping that as she gets older she will have more awake and happy times of life.

this week, the professor and eve bonded more.  one night i was just plain exhausted and i handed him the baby (usually i do the baby and he does the bigger kids).  she really calms down when he holds her-- i think it's because when i'm holding her she just wants to nurse.  it has been sweet watching them bond.

and, the best thing about this week is that eve started smiling.

she has such a cute smile-- i haven't gotten a picture of it yet.

she smiles with her mouth wide open and her nose all scrunched up... she is SO cute.

Shannon Hale, an author who recently had twin girls, said "This year has felt really, really long, but truthfully, the babies are so great.  I'm completely in their thrall.  Babies are the most deceptive, cleverest predators in nature.  I serve the baby master overlords and am happy in my captivity."

I know what she means.  I really can't describe how in love i am with this baby.  I adore her, fussy and all.  Every moment i thank God for blessing us with 7 beautiful kids.  This baby is so darling.  She has the brightest eyes and the cutest expressions.  She loves when we rub her feet and is a very sweet, tender baby.

I'm looking forward to next week-- but i will miss last week.

I really, really, really love this little girl.

hog hunt...

Professor here.  There's nothing quite like a hog hunt in west Texas.  While the scouts are not allowed to officially hunt, we're lucky to know some great guys named Zack and Wes, part-time hunting guides.  They caught 4 feral hogs to show the boys how to properly clean and dress wild game.  Feral hogs were once domesticated pigs, but years ago escaped or were let loose and have now become wild.  The 8 million + hogs are considered a nuisance in Texas because they destroy crops.  They can grow up to 800 pounds for large males, who also have tusks that are pretty dangerous.  Just google Hogzilla for some great pictures.  The hogs for our boys were only about a year old and weighted about 100 pounds apiece. 

Zack shot three of the hogs and brought one back alive and tied up for the boys to see what a live hog was like.  All the boys were entranced watching Zack carve up the hogs and collect the safe cuts of meat for dinner that night.  It was quite tasty, and not as gamy as I expected.  We had enough left over to bring some home, and now have a few loins with hickory smoke marinating in the crock pot for pulled pork BBQ tonight!

We left the lone live hog in a trap on the property overnight, while the boys bravely carried on about how they were going to skewer the hog the next morning.  Well, morning came and that hog was pretty ferocious in the trap--it got those boys thinking about how they were going to carry out their plans.  While they himmed-and-hawed, the hog started to wriggle through a hole in the trap.  The boys were transfixed as the hog slipped through and starting running for the woods, after which the boys screamed and gave chase.  Naturally that lasted for only a minute or so before all trace of the hog was gone and we went hiking.  A great experience for them, and a great dinner tonight for us!

Jen says, "Only in Texas."  She can't imagine that our boys will have many hog hunt experiences in Oregon...

happy easter!

i hope you enjoyed your Easter weekend!
it was beautiful here.
the boys went camping Friday and Saturday and the girls and i had a girly movie night and went to a big Easter egg hunt.
i still feel like i'm pretending i can handle my life.
right before we were supposed to leave for the egg hunt, ellie came in to my room to say that the neighbor just pulled lily out of a mud puddle.  ??!!what?!  they weren't even supposed to be outside.
i had to strip lily down, bathe her, and re-dress her.
blah.

we usually do Passover on Friday night, Easter bunny on Saturday, and a Jesus focused Easter Sunday (with our Jesus dinner- what Jesus would have eaten).

this year, everything was on Sunday, we didn't do Passover, and we are dying eggs tonight for family night.
i still need to google "how to hard boil eggs" because I always forget.

the Easter bunny hid drew's basket in the oven.

and then forgot and preheated the oven for biscuits and gravy that morning.

everything was melted, drew cried, and we discovered that toasted peeps are pretty good. 

such is life.

this weekend was a bit of a re-birth for me.

i went to church for the first time with baby eve, and we had our friends, the Merrill's over for our Jesus dinner.

our house goes back on the market tomorrow.

life continues on, even with change... and, i think i might be able to slip back into some routine.

Spring is coming, i can feel it in my veins.

And, I'm excited.

at church on Sunday we sang "Families Can Be Together Forever". 

the second verse says,

"While I am in my early years, I will prepare most faithfully, so I can marry in God's temple, for eternity"

and then the chorus says, 

"Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan.  I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can.  The Lord, has shown me how I can."

i cried as i sang it, surrounded by my growing family.

i ALWAYS wanted to have a large family--

i wanted to sit on the second row at church with my kids, all in matching dresses. 

since i was a little girl, I have dreamed of this time in my life...

and yesterday, I realized that I AM what I always wanted to be.

a mother of many.

it is HARD (harder than i ever imagined). 

But, it is WONDERFUL (better than i ever imagined).

and, i want this-- for all eternity.

texting kids.

i am a firm believer that children need to experience technology.

and so, my kids have cell phones,

and lap tops,

and they text each other constantly.

i believe a texting family is a happy family.

just in case you were wondering.

two weeks.

two weeks!! 
Can you believe how quickly time passes?
What a difference one week makes!
I cried on my way to Eve's one week doctor's appointment.
Going to her two week appointment wasn't even hard... i think i'm starting to get the hang of seven kids.

Eve eats a lot, doesn't sleep too much and is very expressive.

She's tiny.

She loves to be held close.

She startles easily, especially when getting her diaper changed.
She's a very mild, sweet baby.
At her 2 week check up she weighed 8 lbs.. 
She has already gained back her birth weight plus half a pound.
I was not surprised at all-- she eats every 2 hours day and night.

The kids don't get to hold her as much as they would like.

It's hard to share when she is usually nursing, burping or sleeping.
I'm sure as she gets older there will be more play time in her schedule.

Because my last two babies were in the NICU for the first two weeks of their lives, I think I had an unrealistic expectation of how easy it would be to adjust to a newborn. 

Bringing home a two week old is different than bringing home a two day old baby.
And, these first two weeks have been harder than I anticipated.
I'm tired and I still have a very sore chest.
Nursing is going a lot better these days, but I'm still not sure how to heal my chest that is still raw from my first week of nursing incorrectly. 
Because of the sore spots on my chest, I have to nurse using the football hold.
I can't wait to heal so that I can just cradle my baby and nurse without pain.
But, compared to where I was one week ago, I can't complain at all. 

Night time is fun. 
This baby is awake all night long.  Awake and fussy.
She is quite a fussy little thing.

I have started watching "Say Yes to the Dress"  or "Cake Boss" on Netflix while I'm feeding her, burping her or bouncing her to sleep.  

It makes my nights go by faster.

My last two babies really were amazingly easy. 

And, as silly as it sounds, I'm really loving my time with baby eve.
She needs me.  A lot. 
And, I love the hours I spend bouncing and cuddling with her.
I can feel that her little tummy is gassy and she doesn't handle burps or toots easily.
She doesn't like loud noises or quick movements.
So, I just swaddle her up and hold her close... all day and all night.
Heavenly.
The only hard part is having 6 other kids and a house to care for.

I have loved week two of this baby's life.
This is definitely a transition time for our family, but it is a beautiful time of life.
We are so blessed.

nursing and burping.

nursing (with help)...

is there anything cuter than those little eyes peering up at you?

and burping...

i just love this baby!

(actually, we ALL just love this baby!)