a bloody mystery...

oh, i'm so excited... we have magical plans for tonight. i could tell you, but it might spoil the surprise. i'll give you a hint, we'll fly through the skies without leaving our car... are you frustrated? don't worry, it's not too long till dark...

ten days...

it turns out, my sister isn't going to the middle east after all. she's going back to VA, staying in the reserves, and going to school. i think. justin is flying home in 10 days. and, i'm sad. i'm so excited for him, and for my sister, but... i'm so sad. i'm surprised how sad i am to send him home. i'm glad that he'll be with his mom. little kids need their mom. i never tried to replace her. she's a very good mom. but, somehow he wiggled himself into my heart and it hurts to send him back. she was going to drive out here to get him. i would have LOVED that. somehow, watching him with her would have given me a sweet closure that sticking him on a plane isn't going to give. i know it must have been hard for her to send him to me. very hard. and, i'm grateful that she shared him with our family for these past few months. Thanks Patti. Justin, he's adorable. Yeah, he's a stink sometimes. He's dramatic and funny, but he tries hard and has wiggled into our full life and made a spot for himself. Jakob said, "I think I'm going to miss everything about him." I agree. I keep telling him that Todd and I will be his aunt and uncle forever. He'll always have cousins here that love him a whole lot. He can come visit us anytime. He asked me, "Can I come visit for Easter, when you have No Manner's Dinner?" I promised a big No Manner's Dinner before he leaves. Then he asked, "Can I come sledding with you at Christmas time?" Nope, probably not. He cries and I cry. i hate transitions. Tens days is too short. A couple of months was too short. Man, i'm gong to miss this kid. he just came in to tell me he learned how to do a flip on the trampoline. he's in his swimsuit, soaked, because we turned the sprinklers on for them this morning. i watched out the window as he jumped, flipped, and then looked up to see my reaction. Way to go, big guy!! It has been so fun to watch him assimilate into our family this summer. Every activity is new and exciting when seen through Justin's eyes. He came in and said, "Aunt Jen, when i go home and we get a trampoline, i'm going to show my mom and dad how i can do a flip." "that will be so fun!!" i say, and i think... oh, i hope so. i hope so much for this kid and for his family. "How'd you learn how to do that?" i asked. "Um, I just tried." he said. Perfect! In my perfect world, it won't be years before i see Justin again. In my perfect world, my kids will know my sister better and we'll be a part of each other's lives. Sometimes real life doesn't work that way, but all we can do is keep trying. right justin?

a little reality...

(i guess the professor wanted to record a "behind the scenes" moment...) Lily, Jillian and i had some bonding time tonight. i'm a bit sad, i liked Reid the best. 'nuff said. just a bit of reality for ya. i know. it's all junk.

a peak in our stroller...

Just had to share my cute baby. Our trip to Lubbock Lake was HOT. she sat in the stroller most of the afternoon... WAY past her morning nap. for a minute i thought she'd fallen asleep. nope- still awake enough to smile. isn't she the cutest? sweet, sweet baby.

lubbock archaeology...

a trip to lubbock lake to learn about archeology. um. i didn't see a lake, but... the kids had a lot of fun and were very engaged. we saw lots of bones. one guy showed them turtle bones and leah kept asking, "where's the turtle?" we showed her the bones and she said, "the turtle's hiding?" i tried to tell her, the turtle is dead. but, just when i thought she got it she'd ask again, "Can i see the turtle Mom?" nope. he's dead. dead, dead, dead... gone. guess she doesn't have the concept down. although that night when i asked her to pick up her blanket she said, "Moooom, it's not going to DEAD me." Jakob said he wants to be an archaeologist when he grows up. He'd been here before and prepared the kids for the dead buffalo and the naked girl in the museum part. very memorable. my favorite part was the paint brushes they made out of dried grasses. and, watching the big boys just as excited as the little kids. afterwards, ice cream, of course. and, a little excavation of our own. in the backyard desert. with water from our outside faucet. and mud. lots of mud. i'm not sure that there were any discoveries... but, it was a fun day. THANKS lubbock lake!!

saturday morning...

there are things i didn't understand when i left the hospital with my first baby.
i remember thinking, that's it... you're just letting me take him.
i don't have to pass a test, or show you i know how to change a diaper. seriously, it's harder to get a drivers license than a baby.
i love the sweet, nervous, naive, idealistic mother that i was then. i had grand plans.
although i had already abandoned my midwife natural birth for an epidural. (even before i left the hospital ideal one was gone... and, for your information, i think epidurals are wonderful, when they work-- although, my last two babies i've preferred the general- put me under- anesthesia)
no candy.
i was going to teach jakob that apples were dessert.
no tv.
no violence.
no weapons.
no bottles.
no spankings.
no yelling.
he would be obedient, kind, smart, clean, creative, strong...
and, he is all those things. just not exactly how i imagined them to be.
i had no idea just how much my life would change.
it's a good thing you have no idea.
like, when i was in my 12th hour of "natural" pitosin induced labor with no epidural, i announced, "
This is stupid." Then I asked, "How in the world does anyone do this? How did they do this long ago?"
The nurse said, "Why do you think there are bars on the window honey?"

I had no idea that having a baby meant a complete loss of alone.
It is a rare day for a mother to potty, run an errand, sleep, eat, bathe, read, cook... do anything alone.
And, even when you may be alone, you have ghosts with you. You are continually looking in the back seat or hearing doors squeak open or feeling eyes above you.
Somehow they know right when you're about to bite into the one hidden piece of chocolate in your house, "Can I have a bite?"

Yup. Motherhood means you always have somebody.
When you think ME, it's two, or three, or six. Always. Motherhood is forever. I remember thinking, this will NEVER end.
There are very few decisions that you make in life that are eternal. You can change your hair color, change your major, set goals and forget about them, move...
Even marriage can end. Motherhood, never. You can choose to be a good mom, or a sucky mom, but either way, you are always a mother.

There are so many amazing things about being a mom.

Like, seeing God, seeing beauty, seeing miracles. To hold a little baby, a newborn baby that you "made". That miraculously formed inside of you while you complained on the couch... it's amazing. I remember todd and i holding our newborn and thinking... how could anyone look at this miracle and not believe in a supreme being.

Babies are gifts.
Beautiful, amazing packages.
Toes, fingers, even that first amazing heart beat.
They know how to suck and cry and make you feel like the most powerful and the most helpless person in the whole universe.
The miraculous moments never stop.

One day they roll. Just like that, a new skill learned.
You can't really teach a kid to roll.
And then one day they point to a letter and say, F. or, Green. or, they win the kindergarten math bee, and you know they are smart. so smart, and learning from everything around us.
they use logic like, "Mom, when i grow up and ride horses, then can i shoot people?"
You cringe and you smile cause you remember that you are the most powerful and the most helpless person in their universe.

They don't run into the street after the ball, and you know you have influenced them.

They refuse to eat the green mush you try to pry through their lips or they will not poop on the toilet, and you know they are more powerful than you are.

They are bad, very bad.
They write on your walls or carve their name into your new coffee table or scream and fall on the floor and call you the worst thing they can think of, and you still love them. a lot.

Then, you know what love is, and that you are loved. forever.

You watch them share a toy with a baby at church and you burst with pride.
They throw a tantrum at the grocery store, you don't even know why, and you are humble, very humble.
You cuddle and tickle their chubby belly and they giggle the most intoxicating, adorable sound you have ever heard and you experience true joy.
They get sick and hot.
 They cry and whine, and spit orange Tylenol with codeine all over you, in the middle of the night, for the third time. You don't know what to do, you're worried and you're loosing your sweet, reassuring, coaxing voice.
You experience frustration.
True frustration.
And the 50th time your two year old comes out of bed to get a tissue, or get a drink, or go potty, or say goodnight... you're mad.
But really, it's funny.
Even if you don't think it's funny, some angel grandma is sitting beside you laughing more the more flustered you get. But, the only reason angel grandmas laugh is because they've been there and they've learned the lessons you are learning.
Motherhood moments are all funny and amazing if you look at them from a distance.  
Experiencing them, they are teaching and growing and stretching moments. Motherhood isn't about influencing others, although i believe you do. Motherhood is about learning.
You aren't raising children, you are becoming.

One of my favorite scriptures is psalms 113:9 "He maketh the barren women to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord."
yup.
i started a barren woman. and i am becoming a joyful mother... saturday mornings. do you remember what they used to be?

and, even if i happen to have a saturday morning with no little ones cuddled up beside me, they are there. in my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers, my senses reach out to know they are well. and, i'm so grateful for the fullness of my life that i'm happy to share my saturday mornings with them.
 
note: my sweet cousin leah just found out that she is pregnant with her first baby!!! leah, i was thinking of you as i tried to sleep in this morning... i'm so excited watch as you become a mother!! hug Chase from me... you guys will be the best parents!

a melodrama at the park...

it was a fun Friday night. maybe more a mellow drama than a melodrama. i think there was a funny line or two. lots of cute old people watching with us. and, lots of cute dogs to pet. and, we got to BOO! and HISSSS! and, take turns taking family portraits during the intermission... and, eat LOTS of snacks. thank goodness for the snacks. and, thank goodness for the trashcan that was far away, but not too far away. leah was VERY helpful bringing each and every wrapper to the trash, separately. so, she got to take 500 walks by herself to the trash and back, and pet the puppy along the way. and, all those snacks, combined with all that walking, meant that leah had to poop. (which she announced rather loudly) so, thank goodness for not-too-smelly port-a-potties, and a few more dogs to pet along the way. just doing our part to add culture to our kids' lives... culture and fruit snacks. thus, our ultimate goal is achieved... smiles and sweet dreams...{APPLAUSE PLEASE}

because i love you...

jakob- "mom, are those pancakes supposed to look like peas?" anna- "is it valentine's day?" ellie- "PINK!!" justin, concentrating with his tongue out- "actually Aunt Jen... I'm really great at doing my own whip cream!" leah- "Aunt Jen! my cherry has a peanut." mom-"do you feel loved?" drew, with a chuckle- "yeah, i guess."

i love love notes...

This is a picture of me and Ellie... i love it. our eyelashes... our hair... our high-heals... our twirly skirts... and, i love the "stippling" surrounding us... yup. i love love notes. thanks miss elisabeth!!

sister moments...

last week anna and ellie were squabbling because they both wanted to clean out the bunny cage. justin rolled his eyes and said in exasperation, "I'm so glad i don't have sisters." yesterday, justin found the second reason he's glad he doesn't have sisters. DRESS UP. it's inevitable. most of the time he's the prince. but yesterday, he was the princess. (anna said it was actually his idea. she said he told her, "now you have to dance me like i danced you.") sisters!!

happily ever after moments...

i love the magical early morning moments. the house is still, the sun shines through my blinds and my room glows. soft pillows and comforting quilts are found and re-positioned and the day is before me. full of moments yet to be filled. i can hear early noises. sometimes, it's the chimes of game boys played undercover. sometimes, it's quiet giggles. sometimes, it's the heavy breathing of a child who successfully achieved their night-time mission of joining us in our bed. my prince, off to mine our jewels. me, home enjoying our treasure. i am a dreamer. my favorite dreams are morning dreams. i love to pray, and cherish, and dream my days... i know that my early morning plans are fairy tales. i know that happily ever after moments are much more real than once upon a time... but still i dream. today, just once upon our time... our clothes will be hung, our floors will be mopped, our piles magically disappear... we will wear wand crafted fairy godmother clothes, we will ride in twinkling coaches... we will craft our memories in books we can read over and over, we will sing and play the piano and enjoy the violin. our babies will crawl, our children will laugh... our meals will be lovely and yet our kitchen will sparkle. the village will join us for dancing and play. we won't stay in our jammies or be home all the day. we'll capture the wolf, we'll slay some dragons... we'll sing with the trees, we'll fly with eagles, we'll ride white horses, we'll dance like the wind, we'll climb every mountain... (well, maybe we'll see a mountain...) our bunnies will talk, our beds will be made by the birds... i love to dream my days. but, i don't mind happily ever moments either. the troops gather... i hear more and more whispered plans. the refrigerator is opened and closed the bowls clang, the cereal poured and poured and "oh man!", spilled across the floor... footsteps, and then, "MOM, You wake?" i smile and turn to see sleepy creases and rustled hair and fists rubbing eyes, "Mom? Can i have a pop-sik-el? puleeeeez. i'm vury hungry." i can't resist. i gather sleeping beauty in my arms and cuddle her into bed. sweet morning moments. oh, she's precious. but, cold. and wet. "Mom," she whispers, "I had an ak-si-dent."

ahh. happily ever after. i know. i am living my fairytale.

image from Dina Goldstein, Fallen Princesses

our 4th...

We had a fun day of parades... patriotic hot dogs... street fairs... a potluck picnic in a dust storm... good times with friends and awe-inspiring fireworks...

today... i get to clean up the mess... and do LOTS and LOTS of laundry. YAY!!! anyone want to celebrate the 6th of July?

Happy Birthday America!!

hope your tummy's are full of good stuff.

and your eyes are full of wonder!

growing up...

Jakob is turning into a GREAT babysitter. we paid a 16 year old to babysit for us last week... lily cried the whole time. this week, we tried jakob (for a short trip). look what i found when i got home... what a sweet big brother.

and i need, uhhh, want...

aren't these cute. don't i need em? you can buy them here, from pieces of me pendants...

wishing...

this print is from, the light garden...

hmm. today there are many people that i love that i'm wishing for... i wish for joy and happiness and wisdom. i wish for peace and love. i know. sometimes we have to sit by and watch those we love hurt sometimes we wish we could play someone elses game... move someone elses pawns... help, advise, encourage... yes. choose, change, direct... nope. sometimes those we love, can't or won't love us back. can they feel our love and encouragement? do they hear our hope and our wishes? i know. always, there is One who loves them more than i. who has the power to grant wishes. and sometimes He does. and sometimes He doesn't. always, He loves them more than i do. and always, He hopes just like i do. i know, He hears my wishes. for joy and happiness and wisdom. for peace and love. and so today. i close my eyes and blow all my wishes upwards. today, i'm wishing one for you. and today, i believe that wishes can come true.

love these...

i love these prints by Katherine Quinn... someday, i'm going to have lots of fun prints around my house...

ruffle skirt...

i was reading about these here... and i thought they were cute, so i made one. very easy. very fun. anna wants a LONG one. ellie wants a TIGHT one. hmmm. gotta get thinking... i was thinking of you as we were having our family night tonight. it was on "Love at Home." Todd read a GREAT story in Matthew 18:23-35... it was perfect. i could see my kids really connecting... well. perhaps i should say, i could see some of them connecting. drew was banned from family night because he got in a fight with jakob about what chair he wanted to sit in. ellie was on the bench yelling that it wasn't fair. leah was singing and playing the piano. (leftover from her accompanying the opening song.) justin was reading from the book of mormon... he wanted to read along, but had the wrong book... that didn't stop him. anna was whispering in my ear all about a funny thing that happened today... and, jakob was bouncing a laughing lily on his lap. all of the kids were half listening... and i think all of them received half of a great lesson. such is life. we love home. ;)

a cookie afternoon...

Today was a cookie licken afternoon...

things i've learned about bunnies...

um. guess what? scampers is dead. no, i didn't touch him, but he was making this weird noise and now he's not, he's just laying on his side with his eyes open. and, his sweet wife and sister, Snow, is making that weird noise. she's not looking too good. am i committing murder by blogging right now and not rushing snow to the bunny emergency room? yes. i think it's my fault. please, don't tell the kids. i, um, used a cat de-flea thing on them. some liquid stuff that you put on cat's necks. i think they got fleas, because there were little black bugs on them, and i can't stand that, and i didn't know what to do, so i bought a package at wal-mart and put it on them. i didn't ever see a sign that said "not for rabbits." and, wal-mart didn't make a rabbit de-flea thing... so, i think i may have killed them. oh, i sure wish i had waited a bit to check on them. it sucks knowing that Snow is probably, most definitely, suffering right now. i called the professor. 3 times. it's the emergency signal that we have. he is in the middle of final presentations. can you blame me? this IS an emergency. it's death. if death isn't an emergency than i don't know what is. seriously. i'm NOT touching that thing. it may be my job to buy the animals, but it is definitely NOT my job to bury them. i googled what to do with dead rabbits and one lady had this idea... "Put it in a double garbage bag and toss it in your freezer. Then next week before the garbage is picked up put it in there." seriously?... be careful if you come over for dinner sometime soon... we may be having rabbit. mmm. oh, poor, poor bunnies. now, maybe we need a porcupine... or some cute prairie dogs. oh, crap. anna just figured out snow isn't doing well, and she's crying. i guess i am going to have to call the vet. love it. update-- the vet said it was probably more heat than flea related. we have snow inside under a cool rag... she's looking a bit better. when i went outside, anna was HOLDING scampers and crying. GROSS! a stiff, dead, rabbit. i couldn't even take a picture because it was SO nasty. ugghh. oh, what a day.