October 14, 2018
Lessons I Learned as a Mother in Graduate School
I want to share with you some of the lessons that I learned as a mother in graduate school.
Practical Tips-
- Buy a laptop (i loved my Lenovo)
- Buy a messenger bag (I loved my Timbuk2)
- Look professional and you will feel capable
- I took notes in 5x7 moleskin books, paperback, one per class
- I scheduled my classes for M W and did homework T Th
- Watch your extra things. My one regret was that I stayed involved in outside/community things while I was in school. (Good for a resume, not good for sanity.)
- Exercise! Yoga for 30 min in the mornings saved my life.
- Just do it. School is harder than work, on your family. Because you always have homework. I'm glad I got my degree in one year instead of dragging out the process.
- Apply for grants! There are a lot of scholarships for moms returning to school.
- Budget! I regret being lax on finances while I was in school (just because we were busy).
- Don't feel guilty about the time you aren't home, just make the time you are home POSITIVE
- Remember- school life is not real life. As a mom, you KNOW that nobody cares if you got a B- in Statistics, so try hard but don't worry too much about stuff that doesn't matter.
- There is a time and a season for PTA and your kids don't care if you send store-bought cupcakes to school on their birthday
- I brought my kids to class with me a few times and they loved it (just ask your teacher before you try it and be sure your kids are super well-behaved because everyone will be watching you)
- At the beginning, tell your groups that you are willing to work hard in the early morning and late night hours, but that you will not attend group meetings between 5 and 8 pm.
- Make friends! Don't pull away because you are different. I cherish the friendships I made with so many young, amazing students, teachers, and staff. I just didn't let myself feel dumb eating lunch with a professor or a student that was half my age.
- Talk about your life, but not too much.
- LEARN. I wish I had read even more and learned deeply the lessons I was paying to learn. You will never again have time to study and absorb at such a concentrated rate.
1. Women are very capable.
I am surprised that it was possible for me to do well in school AND care for my family. Granted, things were never picture perfect. But, things were not picture perfect even when I was home all day. I have spent a lot of time pondering what we spend our time on. When I was home full-time, I wish I would have cleaned less and accomplished more. I'm not sure why I allowed myself to spend so much time on temporal things. I wish I would have continued to learn. I wish I had taken a language course, gave myself permission to read more, or spent more time out of my house and in my community with my children. Not all work is valuable. But also, not all time spent at home is valuable. Just because I didn't work, did not mean that I was spending my time effectively. Sometimes, when you have more time to waste, you waste more time. Having less time helped me to become more discerning and I think that is a good thing for capable women to become. You can do more with your days than you think you can.
2. Showing your children that you can do hard things is a valuable lesson.
For twenty years, I showed my children that they were my most important work. I would never trade those years. Additionally, I would not trade this year of my life. The lessons they learned watching me learn, study, and try hard to do something hard, that was a great life lesson for them also. I don't think that watching me go back to school encouraged all of them to want to work when they get older. They definitely missed having me in the home. So, in some ways, my year of graduate school may have reinforced, in their minds, that when they raise a family they will want a mom who stays at home. I am grateful for the seasons of life. I felt like this was another, very good season.
3. How your house FEELS is more important than how your house LOOKS.
My mother was home with my children during the summer months while I was in school full-time in an intense, condensed program of study. When I came home from school, she would tell me she had spent the whole day cleaning (and mopping). The honest truth is, I could NOT tell. I didn't notice when my floors were dirty and I couldn't tell when my house was clean. I just felt that my kids were happy and that is all that I cared about. Do you know HOW MANY YEARS I spent feeling stress about the cleanliness of my kitchen floor? I was somewhat offended when I spent my day cleaning and my husband didn't even notice. You know what, it is very hard to tell whether your floor is recently mopped or not if you aren't focused on floors. This seems obvious but was quite shocking to me.
4. It is HARD to transition from work/school to a home mentality.
Right away, I noticed something surprising. My husband, who has spent YEARS balancing between work/school and family, had this amazing ability to just come home and jump right into family life. I trained him to do this after years of telling him, "When you are home, BE HOME." He is AMAZING at leaving work at work. I would drive with him to school and drive home with him. He could just walk right in the door to seven busy, needy kids and just be the dad. And, I could not. I had a harder time transitioning. My brain was still at school, thinking about upcoming tests, homework assignments, statistics. My kids were a bit overwhelming for me. It took me time to unwind and connect. I could see myself as the husband that wants a Lazy-boy chair and ten minutes to read the news before any children can come to talk to me. This made me laugh. As a stay-at-home mother, I was not sensitive to the idea that my husband had a lot on his mind. I didn't appreciate what a great asset a one-track mind is until I saw his ability to instantly switch lives and I was very impressed.
5. Learning is healing.
Sitting in a classroom, learning, with a class full of young, energetic, beautifully diverse classmates is absolutely inspiring. My soul was filled as I learned. It did not matter what I was learning, the act of learning made me feel young and capable.
6. Mom-head is not always a good thing.
When I was participating in group work, I recognized that I was somewhat offended when everyone didn't agree with me and do what I said we should do. I thought that my life experience and natural wisdom gave me some pretty good insight that the group should pay attention to, and much of the time they did. But, I wasn't always the leader and I certainly was not the smartest cookie in the jar. It took me some time to understand the emotional conflict this caused me. I had spent the past twenty years in a world where I was the queen and everyone needed to listen to me. I taught, and expected, that everyone in my group would obey me (not instantly, but eventually). It was very healthy for my brain to realize that I might be the queen of my castle, but I am not the queen of the world. Ha!
7. It feels good to get dressed, use office supplies, and learn from people who are learned.
School is just plain fun. I am a social person. Staying at home, in the country, was boring to my brain. I had become lethargic. It felt SO GOOD to get dressed in cute clothes, buy pens and notebooks and folders, and learn from knowledgeable people. Honestly, every class was just fun and fascinating. Being older (the oldest in my cohort) I just didn't stress that much about the fact that I really do not naturally understand economics. I tried my best and it was just fine. I didn't get straight A's, but I have a degree and I learned a lot. Learning is really fun. Graduate school was energizing to my soul.
8. Balancing school and home is hard.
I had nights that I cried because I couldn't do all that I needed to do. My house was sometimes a mess and I hate that. I didn't always balance well. I spent too much time up in my bedroom studying while my kids watched Netflix. I got out of the habit of cooking dinner. My husband took up the cooking and he is not as healthy as I am. Laundry was a bit out of control. My gardens were weedy. My refrigerator didn't get cleaned out. We had fewer people over for dinner. My kids did not have any fancy birthday parties. I did not watch every cross country meet or volleyball game. I didn't get much sleep. My mom-friends stopped calling me. I was in a limbo-life. Not a stay-at-home mom, not a working mom, and not a student. I just had to be confident in who I am. My brain is not as smart at some things as I used to be. Graduate school was hard, but it was the best hard.
9. People are good.
By far, the best part of graduate school is the exposure that I had to new people and new ideas. I was blown away by the goodness of those that I learned to love as we spent our days together. People are so good. I loved being in a setting where we could discuss topics from our unique perspectives and learn from one another. I am a better person because of the students/professors I came to know and love while in graduate school.
10. Kids need their mother.
When I am engaged in mothering, my children are happier, healthier, and more kind to one another. I can be engaged in mothering even when I am in school full-time. Similarly, I can be disengaged in mothering even when I am a stay-at-home mother. The transition hours are so important. Before school, after school, and bedtime. Hold those times sacred. Tell your kids what you are learning. Study with them. Take them to class with you. Remember, you don't need to read everything they tell you to read. You do need to listen and interact in class, take good notes, and find a group of smart people to study with.
Going to graduate school was one of the best decisions I ever made. I cherish the memories I have from this year. My life is changed because of this experience and graduate school did not just bless my life. It was a blessing to my whole family.
Note: I have never felt that my life is the "right" life or that my choices are for everyone. I don't believe that everyone should have eight kids and I certainly don't believe that everyone who has eight children should return to graduate school when their youngest goes to school.
I do believe that, if you are listening, you will hear God nudge you closer to your unique and beautiful life's mission. I felt him nudge me. (He literally had to shove me.) I followed Him and oh, how my life has been blessed.
I stopped writing a blog while I was going through school. I did this for a few reasons. First, because I didn't have the extra time to spend writing. Second, because I knew that young mothers read my blog and I just didn't want them to feel like I felt that being a mother was not enough. It is. Third, because I honestly didn't KNOW for sure how things would turn out. I was prepared to quit school at any moment if I felt that it was harmful to my family. Fourth, I didn't know why I was in school. I never imagined that I would actually work after I graduated. I just knew that school was a good thing for my family at this time.
My mother came and lived with us for a lot of the time I was in school. She cared for my kids during the summer months and the first Fall. And, my husband is a professor with a very flexible schedule, so he was able to be a part stay-at-home mom while I was studying.
I graduated from Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs in June 2018 with a Masters of Public Administration. I LOVED my time at Maxwell. This was a decision I did not make lightly and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
November 19, 2017
Lily Turns 9. A Simple Lego Party.
Birthdays are simple at my house. We don't spend a lot of money on extravagant gifts. My kids are happy with a small stuffed animal and a wall full of why we love them.
Lily felt like it had been too long since she had a friend party. So, her sisters and I put our heads together and helped her plan a little party.
Lily has the sweetest friends.
She is a joy.
Drew's Treasures
Drew saves things.
He will leave on his mission next summer and I will miss finding his treasures around my house.
Drew especially likes to hide things on my bookshelves.
He makes cool things, like paper airplanes, and he brings home free books. I find old books hiding on my shelves and in random cupboards. He makes me smile.
Sometimes I want to go through and throw away all his junk. Sometimes I do. He kept an old TV in his closet for years because he wanted to take it apart and fix it.
Today, my book shelves aren't styled like a magazine, but they are full of treasure. I KNOW I will miss his treasures when he leaves home next year.
I love this kid.
Building With Grapop
This is the cutest story that Eve wrote about building a barn with her "Grapop".
My Dad Builds Us A Small Barn In Our Pasture
We have a few cows that my kids raise and sell for beef.
My dad called a couple weeks ago and offered to come and help us build a small barn for them out in our pasture. We are still waiting for it to warm up so we can paint it to match our house and big barn.
It has been so fun watching him work with my husband and my kids. Drew stayed home from school and helped with walls and shingles.
Another Sampler.
A friend gave me a cross-stitch pattern for a sampler that I love. I think it was called Mystery Marquis.
Here is the sampler that someone stitched on dark fabric...
When I went online I found a blog where another woman took the pattern and personalized it to tell the story of her life.
I love this SO much.
I think I'm going to start one over Christmas break.
I love this color palette.
Oh, don't you love dreaming up new projects?
Anna Acts
Anna played a prim and proper wife who dies in the high-school play Blythe Spirits.
She had SO MANY lines and was darling to watch.
Anna is naturally lady-like. She's lovely and strong.
Anna just got her patriarchal blessing last week. It was beautiful to hear the Lord blessing her.
She is speaking next week at our Stake Conference, can't wait to hear her speak.
Honestly, SO fun to be a mom of teens.
Love her.
Ellie Crochets.
Ellie is always making things, beautiful things.
I love that about her. I love her.
This morning, I was running late for church and when I came downstairs Ellie had gotten all the little girls dressed and was curling Eve's hair.
Ellie is sweet and spunky, simple and lovely.
My life is better because she is mine.
Just Eve.
She has freckles on her nose and is my only baby who had dark hair that didn't turn light.
At parent-teacher conference her teacher said that Eve has a glow about her. She is spunky and passionate. She often slips into her own thoughts and wanders in her own paths.
She hugs big and puts her hands on my cheeks to tell me often how much she loves me.
Eve is one of my extra-credit kids. Just joy.
I love being her mom.
November 03, 2017
There Is Unity is Diversity
The truth is that I am weird, I’m not someone who has ever had one best friend or one favorite ice cream flavor. I love people, I have 20 best friends, and I like ice cream. My favorite colors are blue skies, pink cheeks, brown and white spotted cows, gray cats, hazel eyes, purple grapes, deep red cranberries, fluffy yellow baby chicks. You get the picture. My favorite thing about this world is the diversity within it. Buy me a bouquet of wildflowers not one dozen pink roses.
Sometimes I wonder if I am an odd phenomenon. We raise chickens. And, chickens are interesting. They naturally flock together with chickens who look like them. If we buy a bunch of baby chicks a mix of 4 different breeds and raise them together from day one in the same box with heated lamps, as they grow, they will naturally segregate. The brown chicks will sleep in one corner, spotted chicks will sleep in the middle, and the yellow chicks will sleep in another. A chick who looks or acts differently from every other group will be pecked to death by the other chickens. It is so sad. Are humans like this?
I once sat on a design team for an interfaith dialogue committee. One man, a former Interfaith founder, and director said, “Nobody thinks they are racist. But, when was the last time you had someone that was a different race or religion from you over to your house for dinner.” This quote shook me a bit. Since then, I have made it a point to fill my home with colorful, unique, diverse people. Diversity and I are not just talking about race, gender or sexual preference is my favorite thing. Diversity is so much more than the skin we are in. We are all different. I think we spend too much time focusing on how we are all the same and not enough time celebrating the fact that we are NOT the same! Differences make us beautiful!
Families are the first places where we learn to love people who are different from us.
I may be a bit biased, but believe me when I tell you that my first child was perfect. He was adorable. He was good. He potty trained before he was one. He said please and thank you and spoke in complete sentences before he was one. He was kind and obedient. If I told him not to go in the street, he wouldn’t even step one foot on the driveway because it was the same color as the street. Honestly, once my mother in law was babysitting him for me, and when I came home, she was crying because she thought Jakob was so perfect he would die young. I love that kid. From the day he was born, he has always tried so hard to do what was right.
And then, I had another little boy, only sixteen months later. My little Drew Bear as we called him, was very different from his older brother. If I told Drew not to go in the street, he would run, laughing across the street with a cute, maniacal giggle. Drew had a hard time getting along with other kids. He would push them over at the mall playgrounds and scratch their faces in the 3-year-old Sunday School class. Drew ate dirt. He made big messes. And, he potty trained early, but he would do things like walk into the bathroom and pee on the bathmat. Once his dad saw him do that and asked, “Drew, what are you doing,” To which Drew replied, “Oh Dad, sometimes I do that.” Drew was tough.
You might think that as a mother it would be easier to love my perfect Jakob than it was to love my independent Drew. Tis not so. They were both quite easy to love, and I LOVED that they were so different. I never let anyone label Jakob, the good kid and Drew the bad kid. Drew was Drew. Powerful, strong, and independent. Jakob was Jakob, disciplined, orderly, and obedient. Both boys have grown up to be inspiring, amazing teenagers. Jakob graduated third in his class. He played the French Horn, started on the Varsity Soccer team, ran track, is an Eagle Scout, was voted “most likely to succeed” and had a room that was always clean.
Drew was voted “most opinionated” and is the senior class president. He started his own business selling beef, he wakes up at 4:30 am every day to go milk cows at a local dairy. Drew is strong and passionate. He is by far my easiest, kindest, most hardworking teenager. I have eight children, and every one of them is beautifully unique and equally endearing. My favorite part about being a mom is by far, getting to know eight very different, equally beautiful souls. We all have different strengths, but we all have strengths. Our goal in life should not be to create an ideal person. Our goal should be to investigate each person we meet to find their hidden talents. It is our differences that make us great.
Religious differences teach us to love a universal God.
I am a very devout Mormon girl. I met my husband (who is currently a Mormon Bishop) at BYU where I graduated with a degree in Human Development, taught Mormon seminary classes, and was a stay-at-home mom for twenty years to eight children. I didn’t find my fullest religious identity until I joined Interfaith Works of Central New York, right here on James Street in Syracuse? I didn’t fully appreciate prayer until I knelt next to my Islamic friends and prayed during Ramadan. I didn’t fully know what it meant to love my neighbors until I heard the stories of the Unity preachers. I saw Heaven at a world harmony day when my family sang “families can be together forever” to a room full of beautifully diverse Interfaith friends. I facilitated an Interfaith Dialogue in the basement of a little church in the Northside of Syracuse, and I confronted my fears and strengthened my love for good people like my friend Nebraski Carter, preacher at the Church of God in Christ. I feel God as I study his word. I see God as I love his children.
Different cultures add richness and beauty to our lives.
The first time they asked me to pick a refugee family up from the airport, I was really scared. Because I have eight children, I drive a ridiculously large, white, 15 passenger van that was needed to transport a family arriving at the Syracuse Airport as Muslim refugees from Afghanistan. We waited anxiously for their plane to arrive and then watched in anticipation as a large, refugee family came through the rotating doors into the lobby where we were standing with an interpreter. The children were excited and energetic. The parents were concerned and wary. All that they owned was in their bags or in a few, heavy, plastic shopping bags that they clutched close to their bodies.
While the interpreter filled his car with these luggage bags, I smiled and acted out charades encouraging them to follow me, to get in my big, white van, and to buckle their seatbelts. This particular family had a few, younger children that sat in my own children’s car seats and boosters. They looked up at me with big eyes and smiles as I talked away in English that they did not understand, and clicked them in, just like I have done hundreds of times to my children. At that moment, these children were my children. My heart opened up and sucked them right in. I have worked with many, many refugee children since that first day. My fear is gone, and my heart overflows with love for these people. I don’t love them because they are like me. I love them because they are different from me and still so, so good. Goodness transcends ethnicity.
Differences can be just as unifying as similarities.
Yes, diversity is unifying. Our world is better because every one of us has something different to add. Think how limited we would be if we were all the same. When I was little, I always order vanilla ice cream with wet walnuts at Baskin Robbins, just like my mom. Today I know that my favorite ice cream is a new flavor that I’ve never tried before. Diversity is my favorite. Audre Lord said it best when he said,
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”
Celebrate the differences in your families, in your communities, and in the world.
November 02, 2017
Going to School With the Professor
The best part about going back to graduate school at age 40, is spending ALL DAY with my favorite professor.
He carries my messenger bag even when his arms are pretty full.
Love this old cat.
October 31, 2017
Moss Halloween 2017
I love my gang.
Today, I started crying as I took a picture of Drew during the costume parade at the elementary school.
The custom here in Tully is that the Seniors dress-up and march in the elementary school costume parade. Drew and his friends were lucky charms.
On the way out, I held up the parade for 20 seconds while I snapped a few pictures. When Todd mentioned that I was holding up the line, I told him this was the last Halloween EVER that I was ever going to take his picture at.
Oh man, that just stabbed my heart.
Today was hectic and loaded with mom-guilt for me. For 20 years I have really celebrated these dumb holidays and this year it was a bit thrown together. No themed Halloween lunch (like I've done in years past). No beef stew with mashed potato ghost and pea eyes.
Leah wanted to be a wizard from Hogwarts. She ended up being pretty happy with her black ninja/the if costume even if she told me it "wasn't a real costume."
I had cute accessories for all my little bandits. But, the masks were annoying, the hats were SO ITCHY, the tool belt was too big, and the dollar signs were peeling off the money bags. Even Todd complained about wearing a black hat as we walked around the neighborhood.
Honestly, this was a really nice Halloween. We only went trick or treating to one nearby neighborhood, our two closest neighbors, and their piano teacher.
The kids really were SO exited tonight. And, that's why we do what we do,
I am tired. Good night.
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