like beans and cornbread.

i'm five months pregnant with eve (my seventh) in this picture- just so you know.
most pictures you see of me, i'm pregnant with someone :)

todd's family is vanilla.
my family is rocky road.

we met at church while we were attending byu.
i shared my testimony one Sunday and had 8 dates the next week.
they called todd "Mr. Mom".
he baked bread, he kept his apartment clean, he never skipped class, he knew all the answers in sunday school class, and he left parties early so he could get to bed on time.
i was a convert to mormonism.
my mother met mormon missionaries around the time she was separating from my first father.
todd's ancestors were mormon pioneers.
even though i was teaching seminary (an lds religion class) i was intimidated to read scriptures with todd because he knew the hebrew root words and i pronounced the words incorrectly.
i cried because my jello didn't get hard.
(fyi- you can not be a good mormon wife if you don't know how to make jello.)
i thought marriage was everything hard in life.
todd thought marriage would be bliss.
we were both in for a surprise.
todd's parents rarely disagree.
i come from a family that fights big and loves big.
todd had never seen people drunk until he came to my first family reunion.
i had never known a family that wasn't affectionate until i hugged todd's uncles and kissed them on the cheek and got a look of complete alarm... these were farming folk who were not the huggy, kissing type.
i'm still embarrassed by my immersion into todd's family.
i was an outspoken girl from the east visiting a small western town.
i didn't know who john wayne was and i thought they were kidding when they said they could never go to Provo, Utah for school because the town was too big.
i remember being reprimanded because i was too rowdy.
it was explained to me that visiting cousins was formal, like visiting teaching.
when todd came to my family it was like My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
he said to me in awe one evening, "I just never realized that non-mormon families loved each other this much."

do you ever wish you could go back and re-live a certain part of your life?
i know i could do a bang up job of high school a second time around, but for sure i would relive this engagement time of my life.
i would be less insecure.
i'd spend less time trying to get them to think i'm great and spend more time trying to show them how great i thought their son was.
because, even though we were from different parts of the country... we had a LOT of similarities.
we both have big hearts and kind souls.
we love easily and forgive quickly.
we both LOVE children and family.
we both try really hard to do what is right.
we are both committed to our faith and our God.
we love to learn, we love to be together, we're funny and have so much fun together.
and, we really, really love each other.
we really wanted to make things work... and we knew we would.

because i'm peanut butter and he is jelly... and we're so good together on our little piece of bread.
{pardon the random song that i had to type because it has been running through my mind as i type this post.}

i often reflect back on these early days.
we were both so young.  i was 19 and he was 23.
for months we spent every free moment together talking and making out in the front seat of his car.
i still imagine i can hear the ticking of his grandfather's watch by my ear when he kisses me.
i felt todd's wisdom and his innocence... he felt my raw goodness.
and soon, we just knew that we had found someone we wanted to share forever with.

i'm not sure that many people were super excited about our decision to get married.
but we knew.
for todd it was a dream, for me it was the quiet whisper of the Spirit and an image embedded in my mind.
i could see todd pushing my future daughter on a swing.  they were both smiling and so happy.
i knew that this was the man i would choose as the father of my kids.
i knew this was the man God had led me too.
my life is forever blessed because of this one, good choice.
i like to tell my young self-- you might have muddled up a bunch of things in that marriage transition, but you did a heck of a job picking a man!
and, i'd pick him again today if i had the choice.

oh, it is so good to be home!!

loving many.

a friend once asked me, "How can you be everything to a large family that you would be to a smaller family?"
She had just given birth to her third child and wondered if she would be able to have another.
(Side note- she is currently expecting her fourth.)

I told her what I often tell people-- You can't.
You give everything you have to loving one child, and you give everything you have to loving seven.
Do the math-- you can not do for seven what you could do for one.

You can't do it, but God can.
God has a way of loving everyone equally-- of knowing exactly what we need and having the ability to give infinitely.
I learned early on in my parenting that if I learned to LISTEN, He would tell me what I needed to do, when I needed to do it.
The only way that I can meet the needs of my children is to ask God what those needs are and act when He whispers.
I believe it is ESSENTIAL for every mother to gain a firm testimony of those two principles
1- You will NEVER be enough.
2- God loves your child more than you do, and He is enough.
This understanding will help alleviate MUCH mother guilt and anxiety-- and also will help you remember to LISTEN and HEAR God teaching you how to love and nurture.

This past Sunday, we had a discussion at church about being better missionaries.  As my friend was teaching HOW to do this I kept thinking-- this is EXACTLY how I parent, how I served with the youth, how I was the PTA president, how I try to be a good sister and daughter and friend and even how I'm an attentive wife.
Want to know what I do?
It's not magical...

Once a week, I ponder and pray and write down the thoughts that come into my mind.
Usually Monday morning, sometimes Sunday night...
I have a little notebook- that I write my constant To Do list in.
I start with my role as
Mother-
and I think... what do my kids need from me this week.
Usually I have one child that stands out in my mind.  Usually, that child has been driving me crazy a bit more than the others.  Sometimes, that child is just a bit more un-noticed.
Children SHOW YOU when they NEED you. 
(I remember my mom telling me about an Oprah show she saw once.  It was a mother of a large family and Oprah asked her how she did it.  This wise mother replied, "You love the one the most that needs you the most."  Yup! That's it.)
So, usually one child stands out in my mind, and I think about them for a little while.
Drew has been quiet lately.  He's done a great job getting his chores done and goes to bed easily, but he doesn't seem attached to me.
I ponder- What can I do for him this week to show him that I notice him and that I love him.
I think of a few ideas- I could surprise him with lunch at school.  I could be sure to hug and kiss him each night before he goes to bed.  I could buy him a candy bar and leave it with a note on his pillow.  I could take him out to ice cream one afternoon- just me and him.
I pick ONE thing and write it down on my list.
And, I always try to tell my husband.  I've been thinking about Drew lately.  He's so good that sometimes he slips through the cracks.  Let's try to notice and thank him this week.  What can you do for Drew this week?

It's important to tell your husband the details you feel about your kids-- because they don't often think about those things on their own.  AND, because then they will understand why you want to bring that child with you to the store when it's bedtime.  AND, they won't complain when you come home with dairy queen wrappers.

These little things are my FAVORITE mother moments.
They don't take a lot of time or money, but they do take EFFORT and INTENTION.
Mothering moments are usually never URGENT, but they are ESSENTIAL.
I believe that if we take the time to ponder, God will show us WHO needs us and WHAT we can do to love them.
For me, it's usually one child a week... or one group of children (big boys, big girls, little girls).  Sometimes it's ok to do something intentional with more than one child.  Sometimes it is essential to spend time alone with one child.  Sometimes I feel prompted to teach my kids a certain lesson, to initiate a change to our family routine, to focus on family prayer or scripture study... most of the time I feel a quiet whisper to just connect with a child.  To listen more, to touch more, to love more.

I do the same process with the other categories in my life.
Wife--
what can I do to love my husband more this week?
-cook better dinners, pray for greater love and empathy, go out to lunch with him, cuddle more, talk kinder, smile when he comes home (instead of complaining), etc., etc.
God tells me LITTLE things.  One little thing that I can focus on that week... and I feel my relationships improving as I act on each little thing.

Family/Friends--
I often pray about my extended family, my neighbors, my friends.  It is natural for me to give them space in my thoughts and my prayers... I often ask God if there is anyone that I know that needs me.  I am often prompted to call someone... and that is a small thing I can do to show them that I care.  When I'm NOT pregnant, and more into entertaining, we would invite a family over to dinner most Friday nights.  We would pray about who we should invite over and then call them.  It REALLY doesn't make too big of a difference if you invite over ONE family or THREE families-- so we would chunk our friends.  Even doing the cross over- friends from school and friends from church.  Some of my FAVORITE memories come from these Friday nights.  And, for sure, my dearest friendships were formed because I felt prompted to reach out.

[Note-- Sometimes I find myself chunking...  I am pretty good at bringing dinner to someone from church who has had a baby, or is sick, or had surgery.  But, for some reason, it isn't natural for me to bring a dinner to a neighbor who is needy.  DUH.  Service is service.  And, I need to be more careful about crossing my usual boundaries.  I can call a PTA friend when I'm cranky just like I can call my sister-in-law.  I've found that being consciously aware of these unconscious boundaries has helped me to tear them down and be more consistently who I am.  At home, at school, at play...]

Church/PTA--
I have often served in leadership positions while having babies and lots of young children.  I'm NOT perfectly organized or capable.  There are MANY things that I leave undone and I often rely heavily on my presidency or board to fill in the cracks that I am unaware of.  However, I feel PEACE in my service.  Because I am always thinking "What do I need to do this week to serve better?"
When I was the Young Women President at church, I would begin to feel a great burden of responsibility for these sweet, teenage girls that were under my stewardship.  I remember MANY prayers-- "God, please tell me what I can do for the girl who needs me."  And, I usually follow up my prayer with, "And, if I don't hear it the first time, please tell me again and again and again until I HEAR your prompting."  Hah!  I'm not sure it works that way, but it always made me feel better-- I knew that God knew I was WILLING to hear, even if I sometimes missed Him.

So, in conclusion... I guess I would just say-- we each have MANY things we could do each day.
We can't do everything.
That is part of the PLAN.
We aren't supposed to be able to do everything- God wants to see what our priorities are.
I find great peace in knowing that at least once a week, I ask Him.  And, I listen.  And, each morning before I rise I think of those things and I pick one act of love to focus on.
Laundry, dishes, schoolwork, dinner, appointments, practices, phone calls, these things just happen.
Loving, nurturing, listening, building relationships, these things take effort and intention.

I can't do it all.

But, I can do one thing.

And God, He's pretty good at telling me what I should focus on next.
Together, we can love many.
I believe that God and I together are better than just me alone- even if I only had one child.

And together, we are enough.  My kids are blessed, and my capacity to love has been increased.

Listening and then Acting... that is the key.
Just love the one that needs you the most.
Honestly, you do this ALL THE TIME.  It's just habit.  I bet you are so good at listening to those mothering whispers that you don't even think about it... until someone at church teaches a lesson (or you read a blog) and you think-- yup that is what I do.

When was the last time you had that feeling-- to stop and just take a moment to mother?

Weren't you glad you listened?

Valerie shared a moment here-- i loved it.
Feel free to share your moment with me... 
Honestly, I think just RECOGNIZING that God has prompted you and you listened opens the door for Him to speak more.

I'm not very good and very many things-- but I'm pretty good at listening.  And this has SAVED me and my family.

Here is a GREAT talk about women receiving revelation...  love it!  (This talk was given by Julie Beck, she is the president of the women's organization in the Mormon church... she is strong and confidant and AMAZING.)

The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life.

Julie Beck

when children are scarred.

anna's miracle hands 2-16-11

My oldest daughter (now 8) severely burned her hands when she was 16 months old.

It was tragic.

Both hands were 3rd degree burns.  One required a skin graft.  The skin grafted hand is pretty scarred.

Recently a friend of mine sent me a message on facebook.  Her daughter burned her arm a few years ago and is embarrassed by her scar.  It seems that some parents say rude things about it, and the kids make comments.  For Christmas this year she asked Santa to make her arm all better.  My friend wondered if we had any advice on dealing with scars.

Dealing with tragedy is HARD.  But, watching a child of yours suffer is heart wrenching.  As I have watched Anna healing from her burns I have continually thought of my Savior.  In a second I would have traded places with her-- suffered so she wouldn't have to.  But, watching Anna grow up with her scars, I have seen her blossom into a beautiful, mature young women.  Last night at dinner, I told Anna about my friend's question and asked her if she was ever embarrassed about her hand.  I asked her what she did when people asked her about it... 
this is what she said.

From Anna--
Well, I'm not ever really embarrassed about my hand.  I read stories to kindergarten kids sometimes and I can tell that they are looking at my hand.  So, I show it to them and ask them if they have ever burned themselves.  I say, "It hurts huh?"  They usually say yes, and I tell them that I burned my hand when I was little.  After that they stop staring at it all the time. 

Most of the kids in my grade already know about my hand so it isn't a big deal.  One girl has a burn mark on top of her hand and she always pulls her shirt down to cover it.  I don't do that.  I just tell people, it's a scar from when I was little, and they are fine.  I think just talking about it makes people understand better.

Isn't she cute?
I love that girl.

This is the response that I wrote to my friend...  and to you, if any of you have little kids that are dealing with scars or imperfections in their life.

Oh, i'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Burns are horrible. Anna still has a pretty scarred left hand (i'm sure she'll have more surgeries as she's finished growing). People ask her about it sometimes, and some kids at school have told her it was gross. Once, a mother asked her "Why didn't your mother protect you from the fire?" Ughh.



Anna has never been embarrassed by her hand... as far as i know. We call it her miracle hand. When she was in the hospital there was another little girl, Amy, who was the same age as anna. She got burned all over her body, except for her diaper area. I have always told Anna how blessed she was. That Angels held her out of the fire so only her hands got burned. That Heavenly Father loves other little girls, like Amy, as much as He loved her, but that Anna was protected for some reason and only burned her hands.

Anna has seen other severely burned people-- like nienie from the blog nieniedialogs. I also show her youtube videos of kids with cancer, or kids with no arms... (Yes, I'm a bit morbid with my kids...) We always talk about her hand and how her burns could be a blessing to her later in life. Like, maybe she'll grow up and be a nurse and she can help other little girls who are burned. I guess the attitude we have always had with her is, it's so sad that her hands were burned, but hard things happen to many people. This is her hard thing. And really, she is VERY blessed.

I'm sure that as she gets older we'll have many more conversations about her hand... and therapy in her teen years for everything that we've done wrong. :)

Before Anna left for school this morning I asked if I could take a picture of her hands for my blog (see above)...
It is still painful for me to see her scars.  It was harder than I thought to write this blog and I'm sure it will be even harder to push post. 

from anna's baptism april 2010

I believe each of us have hard things in life.  Life is about learning and growth.  Although my recollections of that night long ago are tainted from continual replaying in my brain, I can say, I was VERY concerned about my little kids and the fire.  I was diligent in watching... until the moment that I turned away to serve our peach cobbler... and turned back to see my baby doing a push-up in the coals.  She didn't cry- she went into shock.  I remember moaning "Oh My God.... Oh My God..."  It was my most heartfelt prayer ever...  I cry just remembering that horrible time.

I'm grateful that I had changed Anna into her flame resistant pjs- so her arms/face/body didn't burn.
There were MANY miracles that we experienced during that time (someday I'll write about the whole experience). Yes, we were blessed.  But, we were not spared the HARD.
I'm still sick that this tragedy happened at all... and eternally grateful for the lessons i've learned.

I know that no matter how careful we are, we can not protect our children from hard things.
They may struggle with injury, sickness. learning disabilities, emotional disabilities, pride, etc...
But, they ALL will struggle with something.
Our role as parents is NOT to protect our children from HARD things... but to help guide them through.
To help them make their journey the best it can be... whatever their journey may entail.

Anna, is a gift.  She has always been a strong, beautiful child.  She has taught me much over the years and I am so grateful for her.  Today, I am a bit paranoid about burns and fires and camping (especially with young kids-- stupid).  But, I am also CERTAIN that God loves me and loves my children even more.  I'm certain that He cries when we cry and that he carries us when we can't walk.  I know that he can turn heartache into strength... and I'm grateful for the lessons we have learned.

How do you help your children with their hard things?
Don't you sometimes just want to make all their hard things go away?

Have you seen the power that comes to them when they learn something hard to learn?

Yup... it's a good plan- even when it's hard sometimes!

i sure LOVE this kid.

the RIGHT way to live life.

immunizations

home schooling

circumcision

therapy

natural childbirth

sports

eating healthier

being Mormon

being Christian

potty training kids

spanking

pta

having 7 children

quitting Ford, bringing 4-almost 5 kids- back to school

declining two job offers

induction

c-sections

blood transfusions

having my nephew live with us for 6 months

having my mother live with us

accepting church callings

family traditions

teaching my kids

etc.

etc.

etc.

There are so many decisions we have to make in life.  Every day we are choosing how we will live, and how we will raise our family.  We choose based on our desires, the lessons we have learned, and the promptings that we receive.

I believe that this life is a time for us to prepare to meet God.  Its a time of testing, and a time of learning and growth.  Who am I?  I learn more about myself every day as I see what I choose.  When I was young and married, we were in a college church congregation with lots of other newly wed couples.  I LOVED seeing newly weds!!  I LOVED seeing who people choose to marry... people who were alike and people who seemed different.  I love getting to know my children... who they are, what ice cream they like, what books they read, what clothes they wear.  The ability to choose is one of our greatest gifts.

It is silly to look back at our choices with regret.  Obviously, since I believe we are constantly growing, there are things we would do over if we were living our life then, now.  Ellie wanted to wear her ballet costume every day when she was younger.  Now, thank goodness, she would not choose to wear her ballet costume to the grocery store.  (Most days.)  Would I want her to look back at the pictures of her with a ballet costume squished over her clothes and wish she had done things differently?  No!  Her years of ballet costume wearing has made her who she is today.  She was good then, and she is good now.  I LOVED her then, and I love who she is becoming. 

I am a much more patient and confident mother today then I was when my first four children were young.

I don't loose my temper when Lily dumps her cereal on the floor and I don't think my kids are bad or ruined when they aren't reverent in church.  I was very harsh with my first... and, he is OK.  In fact, he is great.  [Actually, I was a strict mother, then a very casual mother, and now I'm stricter again...  ah the journey.]  I used to pray and pray and pray that God would make me patient.  And, when I would loose my temper at nap time I would feel that He didn't answer my prayers.  Looking back, I see His hand in my life.  He did make me patient... I am a VERY patient person.  But, patience didn't come in ZAP transformation.  It came line upon line, day upon day, trial upon trial.  And today, I'm patient.  Tomorrow, I'll be more patient.  That's life.  I was a good mother then, and I am a good mother now.  Because of yesterday's mistakes, I have depth and experience today.  Yes, I am older and wiser and more experienced today than I was yesterday.  Hopefully, I will be more wise tomorrow. 

One thing that I have learned more than anything else is this...  there is not one RIGHT way.  There is not.  There is right and wrong.  There is TRUTH.  There are correct principles and standards that are guaranteed to make you life easier and happier.  But, there is not one RIGHT way. 

I graduated with a degree in Child Development.  I wrote papers and read studies and I knew the very best way to teach a child to sleep through the night, the best way to discipline children, the best way to potty train and get children to eat all their dinner.  I knew that I would home school and NEVER send my kindergartner to all day kindergarten and that I would breast feed and birth all my children naturally.  In my early years of marriage I felt birth control was wrong.  We prayed about it and got a very clear answer that we should not wait to have children... thus, anyone who was waiting to have children was WRONG.  God had told me RIGHT and thus everyone else was WRONG.  Right?  Wrong.

My first child was perfect.  (Because I knew just how to do it.)  We lived with my in-laws for a summer when he was younger and I came home one afternoon to find her in tears.  She said she had never seen such a well-behaved, obedient child.  She wondered if he was a "perfect child" that would die young.  Seriously, he was great.  Then God sent me more children, quickly.  I tried to parent THE RIGHT WAY, and they still ran into the street, said NO and scratched the cheeks of kids in nursery.  My first child lost his perfection with time... and God let me learn humility.  He taught me... there was not one RIGHT way to parent.  Each child was different and each child was actually sent to TEACH ME. 

When Jakob was 4, and Drew was 3 and Anna was 16 months old, and I was 8 months pregnant with Ellie, Anna fell into a campfire and severely burned the palms of both her hands.  My life became VERY difficult.  I was not only an overwhelmed young mother, I was a mother who the whole world could see, didn't protect her children.  I had too many, too quickly and I was drowning.  I begged God to carry me.  And, He did.  But, he held me while I endured much and learned much and became very dependant on Him.  The world saw my weakness... and, surprisingly, the world also saw my strength.  In my lowest moments, I was the strongest.  I could feel my growing pains, I had stretch marks, but I became.

As our family healed from Anna's burns, I realized I was very numb.  Post-traumatic stress disorder.  I began taking medication for depression and after moving to Lubbock began seeing a counselor regularly.  I didn't believe in depression.  I remember saying to my cousin-in-law, who is a therapist, "Anyone who laid on the couch all day would be depressed, just tell them to get up and wash their dishes and they'll feel better."  I was anti-medication and anti-therapy... until i felt true depression, took medication and was healed through reflection, prayer and therapy.  That was a journey I never thought I would take.  NEVER.  But, it is a journey that has made me stronger. 

As graduates from college, we built a beautiful home in Michigan.  It wasn't a starter home, it was beautiful.  We had always been blessed with money and peace.  When we left Ford to come back to school, we were certain that our home in Michigan would sell, that we would have enough savings to take us comfortable through our 3 year program, and that life would be well.  We were wrong.  We did not anticipate the crash of the Michigan housing market due to the decline of the auto industry.  We didn't anticipate our pipes freezing and bursting-- destroying our home.  Our homeowners insurance didn't cover the damage- because we hadn't switched to "unoccupied" insurance.  Financially, we hid a bottom that we NEVER thought possible.  We believed if you were "righteous" you would prosper.  We believed that people who struggled financially were people who didn't work hard or make wise choices.  Today, we have greater compassion.  We learned financial lessons we never thought we would learn.  And, we are grateful for our experience.

i just found this picture the other day, and i love it.  this is how i see myself.  a bit out of it, surrounded by kids!

These past few months,  I've been learning much about health.  I'm amazed at the power of my body to affect my mind, and the power of my mind to affect my body.  It's stunning.  I trust myself and my body more.  I'm different.  I've re-evaluated my past 6 pregnancies... with blood transfusions every 2 weeks, inductions and emergency c-sections.  I'm doing things different this time and I feel SO GOOD.  This is RIGHT.  For me, today.  One night I was thinking about my two emergency c-sections.  I thought, I really wish I had NOT gotten induced.  Maybe, if I had not gotten induced, Lily's cord wouldn't have prolapsed, and I wouldn't have had to have a c-section.  The Spirit whispered to my soul, "Jen, don't look backwards.  You listened then, just like you are listening now.  Maybe, you were inspired to get induced.  Maybe, if your water had broken on it's own you wouldn't have known that Lily was laying on her cord and she would have died before you got to the hospital.  You were listening then, and you are listening now." 

I had 5 children who I immunized with no problems.  I was not ignorant, I studied and learned, and I didn't feel any concern immunizing my children.  When it was time for Lily, my youngest, to be immunized, i felt SICK inside.  SICK.  I couldn't do it.  I told them I wanted to wait till she was older.  When she was one, my doctor REALLY wanted me to immunize.  I still felt sick about it, but allowed them to give her ONE shot.  That evening, Lily's whole arm broke out in open sores.  They didn't heal for 3 months.  My doctor said that had nothing to do with her immunization-- I don't care what she says.  I FELT uncomfortable immunizing her, I ignored my feelings, I was WRONG.  She hasn't received the rest of her shots.  I'm NOT against immunizations-- I think they are great and helpful and fine, for some kids.  But, not for Lily.

Sometimes, we start learning new things and we tend to generalize.  I don't believe there is one RIGHT way.  I don't believe that home schooling is WRONG because I know that sending my kids to school is RIGHT for me.  I don't believe that epidurals are WRONG, or immunizations are WRONG, or spanking is WRONG, or depression medication is WRONG, or having a small family is WRONG...  i don't believe that everyone should quit their job and go back to school to get a PhD. 
There is not one RIGHT way.

I'm pretty dang good at potty training.  But, I don't think there is one right way to potty train.  Each child is different...  each mother is different...  my way may not be your way, what is right for my child may not be right for your child.  Today, I don't have all the answers.  BUT, I have learned to HEAR and FEEL and KNOW what is right for me and my family.  I know the feeling that comes when I'm doing what is right.  I also know the sick feeling that comes when I'm not listening.

I hope that as you read my blog, or talk to me in person, you NEVER feel that I think you are WRONG for being different from me.  I change.  Life is customized.  Our trials, our children, our ups and downs, I believe much of what we experience in life is exactly what we need to learn and grow. 

In our church, we believe in a prophet- just like in the Bible.  Sister Hinckley, she was the wife of our last prophet, was asked by her daughter-in-law to give her some parenting advice.  Sister Hinckley said something like, "Oh, honey, I don't have anything to say.  They are all so different.  Ask God, He knows your child better than I do."  (Yes, this is my interpretation of a story I read, not a direct quote.)  She was a prophet's wife... and she was WISE.  Wise enough to know that there is not one RIGHT way.

Yes, we still need to learn.  Every day I am learning.  Every day.  I believe that God inspires me at certain times to learn about certain things.  With my past 6 pregnancies, I wasn't prompted to read Ina May Gaskin.  This time, I am drawn to natural child birth like a kid to candy.  I'm eating more green food.  I LOVE my kids school.  I'm moving to Oregon.  I'm having my 7th baby.  You don't have to be like me for me to respect you.  I hope that EVERYONE is wise enough to know that there is NOT one right way.  Just because people don't choose what you choose it doesn't mean they are ignorant... it might mean they are NOT SUPPOSED to do what you do. 

I love people who are willing to do what they FEEL is right, even if it is different or weird or not what they had planned.  It isn't long on life's journey before you learn not to judge other people for being different.  With experience you realize that what you feel good about doing today, you might not feel good about doing tomorrow.  Life is good.  I LOVE the journey.  And today, I have no regrets about my yesterdays.

5 days till Christmas... christmas letter

Merry Christmas 2010!!

Life is good here in Lubbock, Texas. We are enjoying our December 80o weather and cherishing our last winter with wind and tumble weed.

Todd graduates this spring with a PhD in Business Administration with an emphasis in Strategy and Entrepreneurship!!! We have accepted a job at Oregon State (OSU), in Corvallis, Oregon. (Go Beavers!!) It is SO EXCITING to be graduating and moving on to real life... again. In Oregon, Todd has promised, we can have a REAL tree in our yard AND a dog. Sounds like fun?!! Todd is feverishly working on his dissertation and teaching classes. But, he takes time for paintball and winter campouts with the scouts and many, many basketball, dance and piano lessons with our kids. He LOVES being a father and daily mentions to Jen that he can’t wait for another baby (or four). 

Jen spends her days making baby number 7—another girl! That will be 2 boys and 5 girls... a house full of wise men and little mothers. The best part of this pregnancy—no blood transfusions yet!! We can’t wait to meet this little girl of ours—around March 18th. Jen also loves to blog about life [www.toddnjenifermoss.blogspot.com] and plan fun things to do with friends and family. She LOVES being a mother. Just as her 2 years as PTA President came to an end, Jen was asked to chair an Interfaith Nativity Exhibit hosted by our church. We have enjoyed the sweet testimony of Christmas that blessed our lives as she worked to prepare a place for others to come and see that we do believe in Christ! With over 400 nativities, newspaper and television coverage and around 800 visitors per day from Lubbock and the surrounding areas... this was an amazing event to be a part of! Next up on our list... selling our house, having a baby, and moving.... Oh, our life is NEVER dull!!

Jakob is in middle school this year! He continues to be on the all A honor roll, in the gifted program at school, plays soccer and basketball, piano and french horn. He is currently second chair in band. He said, “Mom, I wasn’t even sad to loose first chair, because Brian has been trying so hard to beat me all year, when he finally got first chair he was SO excited.” Jakob is the BEST big brother, especially to the littlest girls. He is more organized than we are and a Wii pro. He is so excited to turn 12 in February and enter the Young Men’s program at church. Only six years till graduation?!

Drew is in 5th grade, basketball, chess club and scouts. Drew also gets straight A’s and perfect behavior at school. (Actually, he got a B on a progress report and I jokingly told him that was the first B in our family. He spent 5 minutes looking at the paper in shock, before he pointed out that an 89 was actually a B+... I did notice him studying his spelling words more after that!) He is the best at helping around the house and LOVES to read. After the “maturation discussion” at school, he is meticulous in his washing and grooming—he does not want to get zits when he’s older. Cute boy. We adore his gelled hair, pulled up socks and tucked in shirts. Drew is amazing on the piano. He plays all the time. He loves to pretend he is Pinocchio and make up answers where he isn’t lying but not completely telling the truth either. He enjoys taunting his younger sisters, but is very tenderhearted. This kid keeps us laughing and on our toes.

Anna is in 3rd grade, dance, basketball, and Achievement Days. She is meticulous and slow because she is very particular in all she does. Her drawers are perfectly organized- but it takes her an hour to put away her laundry because she has to refold everything!! Anna loves to read, play with her sisters, ride her bike and SING. She sings constantly and decided to take piano lessons this year instead of violin. She loves music and was especially excited to take part in an all girls choir this fall. Anna is an easy, loving child to have around.

Ellie is in 2nd grade. We are still SHOCKED to hear that she is quiet at school, because she is not quiet at home. Ellie is in dance with Anna. She is always creating... drawing books, cutting paper, yarn or fabric, designing Barbie clothes, painting, or doodling. She is NOT neat, like her sister. But, she loves to make things beautiful (like her mother.) Ellie and Jen do lots of projects together. She is a great party planner—we find menus and agendas she has created all over the house. Ellie is very tenderhearted... she hates to hear her little sisters unhappy and is quick to nurture or make the peace in our home. She is equally creative with her daily outfit choices. For Christmas she wants a case full of make-up, a long blond wig to her bum, sparkling gloves to her elbows and high-heeled black boots that come to her knees. Sweet, sweet Ellie.

Leah is 4 and at home with Mom and Lily during the day. She loves to sing, dance, color, play with boys, dads or animals, and watch Netflix. And she is the BEST big sister... she understands Lily’s language better than anyone in the family. She is NOT the best at sitting quietly during primary. Leah is very smart. Just last week she said, “Mom, I know what ‘don’t ask again’ means. It means you won’t answer my questions anymore. And, ‘don’t start’ means I need to stop crying. Right Mom?” She is so funny. She came home from our widower neighbor’s house and announced, “I know why he is sad Mom. He’s said cause his true love is dead.” And, when Leah and Lily were rocking too fast on the rocking chair this morning, she said, “But Mom, it’s OK, today is Crazy Day!” Leah reminds us daily of the true joy of toddlers.

Lily is 2 and the cutest thing in the world. She is a bit of a pistol, but nobody notices because she is adorable. Lily is the queen of “I do it.” And, “Me too!” And, “I help?” And, “Oh, thanks.” She loves silky blankets and sucking her thumb. She loves baby dolls and baby animals and pretending she is a puppy. She’s the best we’ve ever had at going to sleep for naps and bedtime... and, she talks constantly about the baby in Mom’s tummy. We think our little girls are going to LOVE having a real live baby to play with. Lily is for sure the child that has made us want 5 more children. She brings nothing but joy to our home.

Our house is messy sometimes, our kids are sassy, our family nights are chaotic, we can’t ever find shoes or socks in the morning. Five minutes before bedtime we proclaim that our family is too big, and five minutes after the last child (leah) has succumbed to sleep, we thank God for the great kids we have. Life is hard and full of JOY. We feel so grateful for the great family and friends we are blessed with. Thanks for touching our lives and for being a part of our journey.

May your holidays be merry and your year full of beautiful moments.
With Love,
Todd and Jenifer

We sure love keeping in touch with you, our bloggy friends.
I love that blogs help keep far away friends and family close... AND, helps me meet new friends on the same journey as we are.
So, thanks for reading...
thanks for the sweet and funny comments...
thanks for forgiving my whining posts and 500 posts about dirty laundry.
Come on over sometime and we'll just hang out while our kids kiss in the closet.
(I don't THINK my kids really do this, but when i was younger i did... didn't you?)
Hope you're having a GREAT week before Christmas!!

Looking Back-- 2006

This is a letter I wrote for my family history right BEFORE we moved to Lubbock.
Jakob was 7, Drew was 6, Anna was 4, Ellie was 3 and I was pregnant with Leah.
It's so funny to see how my life is pretty similar (add two kids) and pretty different (on the tail-end of school not the beginning...)

I LOVE to read back over things I have written---  I can still feel my life then, and I know that someday my life now will be a sweet memory!!

Life is good.

July 23, 2006

Life is good!  We just got back from our second ever family bike ride.  Jakob and Drew are both proficient riders now, and the girls ride in a little yellow buggy attached to Todd’s bike.  Todd and I bought bikes over the 4^th of July weekend—mine has a good wide seat with springs underneath to support my maternally blossoming behind.  Yesterday as I was riding one of my neighbors said, “I thought you were expecting.”  I laughed.  I’m not sure anyone can really miss my HUGE tummy.  She made my day. 

Yesterday, Drew stopped at every curve- he thought he couldn’t turn corners, and he stopped at every incline or decline in the sidewalk- he was worried that he would go too fast.  It was a LONG ride around the lake.  He was sure that he couldn’t do it, but with a lot of encouragement (Todd and I took turns) we made it home and he was thrilled.  I want to teach Anna to ride a two wheeler pretty soon so that Ellie and the baby can sit in the buggy.  Once we learned the trick- to hold onto the child’s arm not the seat of the bike- it was pretty easy to teach the boys. 

Tonight I rode in the back.  What an adorable sight it was watching my family.  Jakob is fast and has to continually lap back to keep up with us.  Drew rides fine, until he gets scared and then he swerves and slows down.  Most of the time his little legs just pedal and pedal trying to catch up with Jakob.  Those boys are growing up so quickly.  They are really cute kids.  The girls are funny zipped up in their little yellow buggy.  Whenever we would pass another person you would hear shouts of greeting from the buggy.  Anna was continually yelling, “Mamma, Mamma…” and then waving “HI!”  Todd is just a perfect husband and father.  He is so cute and so patient with the kids.  I really think that I have a perfect little family.  I feel so blessed.

This is an odd, crazy transition time of life for us.  We will close on our new house in Texas on August 19^th, Todd’s school starts August 28^th and I am due September 1^st.  We still haven’t sold our home here in Michigan.  Last week my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, she and Wally are going through a pretty nasty divorce.  Eric is also living with us for the summer as he completes an internship here in Michigan. 

Todd and I both just finished a hectic month with our stake callings.  With the Stake Young Men’s presidency Todd had scout camp and youth conference.  The next week I was in charge of Stake Girl’s Camp.  Both of us have learned so much from these callings the past few years.  It has been amazing associating with the good people of the Stake and we have come to love the youth in this area.  I have learned so much about leadership and confidence in my callings.  It was really neat to see my dreams become a reality and to feel the hand of the Lord directing me as I planned camp.  My testimony has been strengthened and I am more confidant to serve the Lord in the future.

As I write down my life, I feel so confidant and hopeful.  I am sure that we are supposed to go back to school in Texas, and I know that everything is going to work out for our good.  It is different when I wake up in the morning with the cares of the world pressing down on me.  I often wonder if I am crazy to pack my house and move across country with no assurance that we will be able to feed our growing family. 

Logically, it is crazy that I am doing all this nine months pregnant.  But spiritually I feel peaceful, I always have felt peaceful about this baby.  She is calm inside my womb- by far the most gentle of all the children I have carried.  I can’t wait to meet her.  I can’t wait for her to meet her brothers and sisters.  They are so excited for this new baby to come out of my tummy.  She will be loved and cherished by all.  (Hopefully not loved too much!)

I think we are going to name her Leah Lynette Moss.  [Note- in the hospital we decided on Leah Jenifer... but, we still love the lanettes in our lives!!]  Leah from the bible and Lynette after Todd’s grandmother Erma Lynette Gee and his sister Lanette Moss Carter.  I don’t love the story of Leah in the Bible, but she was a good, strong woman—Leah is a sweet name that seems to match this gentle spirit in my womb.  Lynette means attractive and little lion.  I think that’s cute and if this is the case she will fit right into our family.  I have felt especially close to Grandma Gee since I started having my children.  She is said to have been a blunt, strict, capable woman and was a teacher and mother of a large family.  She is the daughter of Thomas E. Ricks- good pioneer stock.  From the day I first gave birth to Jakob I have felt her presence in my life.  I think I would have loved her had I met her, and I look forward to meeting her someday.  I am excited to name little leah after her great grandmother. 

Jakob is seven and preparing to be baptized this winter.   I can’t believe how much he has grown in the past year.  I often catch myself staring at him, my baby… growing up into a little man.  He is already as tall as my chest.  He’s really cute, skinny but not scrawny.  He is a good boy.  We do battle his sassing mouth.  Jakob is good, but when he makes a mistake he has a hard time backing down.  He’ll fight the same fight for a whole evening rather than just take the consequence he’s been given and move on.  He is kind, but not a sissy. 

Jakob tries hard at everything that he does.  I loved to bring him to soccer and watch his determination and effort.  He would run one drill and he might not be the first one to the finish line.  The next time he would just try a little harder and he’d be the first one.  He was a quiet, thinking soccer player.  His coach said that he had amazing foot work.  Even though he wasn’t the fastest, superstar player, he was consistent, he tried hard and he played very well.  I was so proud of him and his work ethic.  He is like this in most things.  He quietly works at them until he has mastered them. 

Jakob reminds me a lot of his dad.  Another thing they share is a love for gaming.  Todd, Jakob, Drew and Eric play these advanced strategy games all the time.  Tonight Jakob won.  Later I heard Eric and Todd talking about how surprised they were that Jakob had beat them and they assured themselves if the game had lasted another few rounds they would have passed him up.  Jakob plays with a consistent strategy and sticks to his plan.  He loves to collect development cards in Settlers and blue cards in Puerto Rico.  I have no doubt that he will join the adult game table at family reunions soon. 

Jakob is really cute with the baby in my tummy.  He loves to hear that Todd used to read him stories when he was in my belly and he laughs when I tell him that he would kick back at us mathematically.  If we tapped twice, he’d kick twice.  He will come up to me during the day and just kiss my belly and whisper “HI Leah.”  He’s sweet.  When Ellie was born he said that he wanted 72 more sisters.  Whenever he puts his hand on my belly he says that he can feel her moving… if he hears my tummy rumble he is certain that he has heard the baby burp.  This is his favorite, he tells the rest of the kids and they laugh and laugh. 

I have so much that I want to be sure that he knows before he is baptized.  I want to read the Book of Mormon with him from cover to cover, and I want to be sure that he has his own testimony before he joins the church.  But, I feel comforted to know that Jakob came to our family with a strong knowledge of eternal things.  He is a good, elect, righteous leader.  He was this before he came here and I am blessed to have him in my family.

Drew…  as he writes on his papers, DREW KLUDEN MOSS.  I asked him once if he wanted to learn how to spell his middle name, Clendon, correctly.  He said, “No, I like it my way.”  Drew has a mind of his own.  Most of the time he is a sweet, easy going, fun natured kid.  He loves to laugh and tease.  He is my most cuddley and kissy kid.  He has a teddy bear that he sleeps with every night.  We made a pillow and sleeping bag for his bear and now he is tucked in beside Drew each night.  Drew is kind and loves his little sisters.  He will play family with them for hours and has an adorable imagination.  Drew is always the Dad, one of the girls is the Mom and the other girl is the Sweetie.  Once I asked Drew what the Sweetie was.  He said, “The girl brother.”  

Drew loves to write, and he is very smart.  He writes pages and pages of stories with his own creative spelling.  You can usually figure them out if you read them out loud.  It’s like that game Blurt or something where you have to read the words out loud to figure out the phrase.  Drew and Jakob spend many hours quizzing each other on math facts.  Drew particularly likes to quiz Anna and have her give the wrong answer.  Our car rides are filled with things like, “Anna, what’s four hundred and five million times one?”  She will make up and answer and Drew will laugh… “No Anna, that was even an easy one.”  Anna says, “Drew, I told you I don’t want to play this game.” 

Drew is curious about the baby in my tummy, but unlike Jakob, he can NEVER feel her when he touches my belly.  He is usually frustrated within a few seconds and I have to distract him with stories of his acrobats inside my womb when he was a baby.  He laughs and laughs as I describe the arms and legs he’d stick out all over the place.  Drew loves hearing stories of his active, mischievous toddler years.  He still has the cutest belly laugh that he had as a baby.  Drew wanted to name the baby Clever.  Now he keeps asking me if we are really going to name it Falipa or some girl yugioh that he knows.  I keep telling him yes and he looks at me with a smile in his eyes.  He has been a handful, but he is so much fun.  Drew has an electric personality that just makes you want to laugh and hug him.  Even when he is in an angry rage- which happens anytime his sense of justice is violated, it’s funny.  He’s a strong spirit with a clear, active mind. 

At basketball one night Drew’s primary teacher told Todd that he was a bit worried about Drew.  I guess the teacher taught a lesson on prayer and Drew told the class that Heavenly Father didn’t answer his prayers.  Once he lost his wallet and he prayed and he never found his wallet, so he knew that Heavenly Father didn’t answer his prayers.  We talked about this later, and while he was at school I looked and found his wallet piled in the craft room.  We talked about how sometimes it takes time to receive answers and that just because Heavenly Father doesn’t answer how or when we think he should, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hear our prayers.  Drew accepted this explanation with his childlike faith.  He now tells the story of his missing wallet as an example of how come he knows his prayers are heard.  I love that he thinks for himself, that he questions and then that he believes.  Drew is a strong, great kid.  He says the most adorable prayers- they are sincere and complete.  I don’t think Drew will do many things halfway.  He is a hot or cold kind of guy.

Anna, Anna… She was born mature and continues to be four going on sixteen.  Anna has this adorable confidence and extroverted nature.  She is sweet and interactive with everyone.  We went to the library and I had her sit at a table for a minute while I picked out some adult videos to rent.  She moved to sit by this elderly black man.  I could hear her quizzing him.  “Hi, my name’s Anna, What’s your name?”  She went on, “What’s your dad’s name?  How old is he? Is he dead?  What’s your mom’s name?  How old is she?  Is she dead too?  Where does she live?  Do you have any children?  Where are they?  Why?  Where is your wife?   Is she at home?  What’s her name?  How old is she?...”  I just laugh and that poor man just answered all of her questions with a smile on his face.  When I finally told her to say goodbye the man said, “Wow, she is very bright and inquisitive isn’t she?”  YES!  That’s my Anna. 

At the store she talks to everyone.  By the end of her shopping trip she’s talking to people and they are all saying things like, “Yes, I know your name is Anna.”  At Kohl’s the other day, I was looking at some maternity clothes and there was another pregnant lady nearby.  Anna was talking to her and said, “I think this shirt will look nice on you.”  She goes on to point out that we are having a girl baby and asks the lady what kind of baby she is having.  When she finds out the lady is having a boy, she picks out a few boy outfits and suggests that the other expectant mother buy her baby some new clothes.  There was one time that a lady was nearby and she said, “Excuse me, can you help me find my mother?”  The lady looked at me with a worried look on her face and said, “Are you lost little girl?”  Anna smiled and I shook my head calling her closer to me.  She is so funny. 

We went shopping for school clothes this week.  The kids were all excited and funny.  Since we’ve been home, they’ve all changed quite a few times, but Anna gets the award.  She seriously changes every ten minutes during the day.  On the way home from the stores she said, “Mom, how come my legs are hairy like Daddy’s?”  I just died.  I didn’t think that I would have a conversation with my little girls about shaving their legs before kindergarten.  Honestly, she is four going on sixteen. 

Most of the time she is good.  We do have problems with her leaving the house when we don’t know it and going to the neighbors.  They say, “Anna, is your mom taking a nap?”  She’ll say yes and play with their children for awhile.  Once we had another family over for dinner.  We assumed that she was in the basement with the rest of the kids playing, but around 9pm she came walking in the door.  She said, Mom, Josh’s mom says it’s time for me to take a bath since I’ve been playing in their sandbox for so long.  We don’t even know Josh’s mom, and we didn’t know she was gone.   Although Todd and I were both playing games, he looked at me shocked and said, “Jen, did you even know Anna was gone?  That’s really bad.”  I put the question right back to him explaining that we were both doing the same thing and both of us missed her exit. 

Anna has the most questions about the baby.  How did she get in there?  Is she going to have a baby in her tummy when she’s a mom?  When are these going to grow she asked me one day, pointing to her chest.  She isn’t easy to distract either.  When I give her a broad answer like, you need a mommy and a daddy to make a baby, she wants to know specifically, but how mom?  How does Daddy’s seed get into your tummy?  I tell her honestly.  I swallowed it.  J

Twice the past week she and Ellie have squeezed Ranch dressing and chocolate syrup all over the kitchen table.  I think Anna will do very well once school starts for her.  She gets bored here all day and is very creative in coming up with things to keep her busy.  I have a feeling that she will keep us hopping.  But, she is a good, bright, happy girl.  She is quick to apologize and has strong desires to please and love and make us happy.  I’m excited to watch her as she grows.

Ellie Elisabeth as she refers to herself, has been our baby longer than any other child.  She is beautiful and is the dancing, doll playing, dressing up little sister that we imagined she’d be.  She’s stubborn and manipulative, but as the youngest she really doesn’t get away with much.  The kids are pretty good at bargaining her out of any initial resistance.  You often hear, come on Ellie, put your shoes on and then I’ll let you hold my favorite Poke’mon card.  She is not great at potty training or going to bed at night.  I think it’s funny that she always wants Daddy at night, because she knows he’ll bring her 5 drinks of water.  I hear her explaining to him, “Just one more, Dad, just one more.”  I can picture her holding up four fingers.  He always give in. 

Ellie is the most musical.  She is constantly playing the piano and singing her made up songs.  Anna memorizes real songs, Ellie creates her own.  Many times, they are cute songs.  Most of the time, in the car, she sings things like, “I don’t like Anna, Anna is a poopy head.”  Then Anna yells, “Mom, Ellie isn’t using nice words.”  Ellie ignores any pleading from the front of the van and continues with her blaring poopy head songs.  Ellie plays each of the kids.  When they don’t do something that she wants them to do she says fine, I don’t like you or I don’t love you.  They continually petition her, do you like me now?  She holds them at bay, I like you a little bit, or I like you, but I don’t love you.  If she’s really mad it’s fine, but I will never love you again.  Followed by her song, “I don’t like Jakob, Jakob is stupid.”  If she does something wrong and I am upset with her she’ll say, “Are you happy about this?”  I’ll assure her that I am not happy about this.  Then she says, “Are you happy with Anna?  Anna didn’t go poop in her pants.”  I’ll affirm, Yes, I’m happy with Anna.  She continues, “Are you happy with Jakob and Drew?”  She’s funny. 

Ellie loves to wear her pink leotard, ballerina outfit.  She calls it her “Bal la le Dress”.  She strips all day to put on this leotard and erupts into tears if we make her change so that we can go out.  It’s funny to see her spin around, watching the skirt flare out.  She says, “Mom, don’t I look beautiful?”  The other day Jakob and Drew fought over who could paint Anna and Ellie’s toes and fingers with nail polish.  Ellie picked cotton candy pink nails with blue toes.  For two days afterwards (even though the boys didn’t do a very good job painting—because her nails were so small they explained)  every time Ellie would see her toes she’d stick out her foot and exclaim to no one in particular, “My feet look beautiful!”

Ellie is the most obsessed with the baby.  She asks everyone if they have a baby in their tummy.  One night she was on Todd’s lap and patted his stomach.  She said, “Dad, you have a lot of babies in your tummy.”  We all laughed.  Ellie loves babies.  She is very maternal and nurturing.  She says the funniest things to babies, considering that she is still a baby herself.  She’s the little mommy in nursery.  I know she’ll love little leah when she comes out.  I’m only concerned at how much she will love her.

When David and Rebekah were visiting I let Ellie stay up late on night because she had a long nap.  She misunderstood my reasoning and spent half the night showing everyone her neck and commenting how long it was.  It took us a while to figure out that she thought she was being aloud to stay awake because she had a long neck.  She’s funny.

Ellie is going to transition the most with the birth of this new baby.  I’m excited to see her personality emerge as she hands over her “baby” throne in our family.  I think she’ll really grow up a lot in the next year, and I’m excited to get to know her better as the year progresses and Anna attends preschool.  We were eating celery and dip this afternoon and I dropped some dip on my tummy.  Ellie laughed and said, “Mom, you need a bib, don’t you?”  She’s a hoot!!

Well, these are my family ramblings.  I haven’t written in a while and I wanted to have some record of this time in our lives printed out in my albums.  As I’ve said many times before.  We are so blessed.  This is a fun time of life and I’m tired, but enjoying life as I watch my little family grow.  I’m so glad that I had my first four kids so close together.  It has been really tough, but I’ve learned a lot and I love watching them interact.  I’m also so glad that I have had this space between Ellie and this new little one.  I am really craving a baby.  I know that she’ll bring so much joy into our home and we’ll all just eat her up. 

 Love you all!

Jen

 --What a sweet time of life??!!
Can't wait to see what the summer of 2010 is like!!!