It's not really about the trail ride...

Things I'm learning...

Guess what?

This whole 21 day trail ride...

it has NOTHING to do with bulls or cleaning my house.

It's about me.

It's a journey of self discovery not arrival...

Finding a way to keep progressing while at the same time feeling like i'm good enough.

Understanding the hidden cords that bind me.

Like riding bull, it's harder than it looks.

Confessions #4

I LIKE to be mad at others for "expecting too much of me" so that i don't have to see that it is really me who expects too much of me.

Confession #5

Can I help you with that saddle? I am HORRIBLE at finishing things. IT KILLS ME. I have many ways to escape task completion. (Note: I am NOT horrible at starting things. I'm great at starting... it's the finishing that kills me... instead of FINISHING one thing, i just START something else- or start 5 other things.) Guess what? Yup. The professor finishes things for me. lots. he's a great finisher. i cook dinner and then he comes home and serves it all while i crash. it has worked for us, he doesn't mind, but i'm missing out on that ahhhhhhh.... i'm finished feeling. i get lots of mileage out of "i can do this"... i want the ahhhhhhhh, i did it. Can't you just see me in a barn with 50 horses all well-groomed and saddled up??? Or worse... half a mile down the trail. stop. run back and get the next horse. i've got horses saddled up all over the dumb hill. the professor comes home, rounds em up and delivers them quietly into their stalls while i'm limping home. sounds joyous no?

Confession #6-

Too Many Horses, Too Many Trails, it's just TOO hard. One of my favorite self deception tactics is taking on too many things so that i can look at my life and say "No one could do everything that i'm trying to do." I usually prefer to say this statement while i am laying on the couch numb to the ten unfinished tasks around me. It's the "I can't JUST give a mouse a cookie syndrome." and. It's a lie. when the mouse asks for a drink of milk, say NO. or, Choose to give him a stupid glass a milk. You don't have to give him a bubble bath just cause you decided to give him a cookie. duh. i can't believe i fall for this.

I can defeat this mentality by picking ONE goal and sticking to it. Pick and Stick... my kids are really good at this (especially on the wall near their bed). :) I mean, it's even fine if i allow myself to pick one goal and two side trails, but at the end of the day, i need to end up at the barn, not laying on a hill somewhere saying it's just too hard.

EXAMPLE... Lily's clothes. Remember I sorted Lily's clothes and put the ones that were too small in a laundry basket on Sunday. Monday, i needed to vacuum so i moved the basket onto my bed and vacuumed. At the end of the day yesterday my cowboy MIL asked me how i felt. i told her good, but my house was still a mess. Why? she asked. cause i still have stuff. what stuff? um. well, lily's laundry basket. why don't you just put that stuff away? here it comes... "um. it's too hard..." because, i don't have a place for it, i'll need to go into leah's closet and sort through all the Tupperware in there of her too small stuff and pile it on, and it's just too much. Her sage advice, "Jen, just do it. Put it in a box, label it and stick it up in the attic. It will take you five minutes and you'll feel good about yourself."

Confession #7-

My horse is broken. When my "it's tooo hard" whining doesn't work, i resort to "i don't know how." I'm defective. I didn't learn it when i was little. I like to look around at everyone else and think that i'm missing something... it's easier for them because they know how. I doubt my original goal. I go back to square one and seek for someone to teach me, or tell me what to do, because i don't know the right way. Guess what. NO ONE KNOWS THE RIGHT WAY. cause, there isn't a right way. there are just a lot of people out there who are having fun doing things their way. everyone has a broken horse. just get on and start riding.

EXAMPLE: i still haven't put away lily's clothes. i talked to taneil today and tried out my second tactic-- she's on to me. i tried the "It's just too hard" whine and she got me with her spurs. Jen. Just get out a dumb garbage bag and stick the clothes in the attic. Then i tried, "Ok, so tell me how you do your kids' clothes?" I could feel myself walking victoriously towards the couch where i could honestly lay in a heap of defeat... i just don't do it right... my whole system is flawed. only, taneil, she knows that i have read just as many house organization books as she has. she knows that she has spent years talking to me about how she organizes clothes... it isn't the system... it is the FEAR of committing that i need to work through. JUST DO IT already. as of right now, lily's clothes are still in a laundry basket on my floor. but, i'm about to discover the tactic i try next...

So. Today.

I had a goal.

Bathrooms.

I took one big, side trail...

I painted my dining room.

I almost stopped (about 100 times).

But.

I didn't.

I even cleaned up.

EVERYTHING.

and then,

I CLEANED MY BATHROOMS.

just because that was the trail i CHOOSE for today.

no. they weren't that dirty. but who cares.

it's not about the house.

i organized my bathroom cupboard, which was a minor side trail.

but i choose it. and, i finished it.

and then. i stopped. and i told myself good job. just now.

good job jen.

thanks.

OK-- so how does this relate to y'all?

Only ONE THING is needful. and. that one thing changes all the time.

we only get into trouble if we're careful and troubled about many things.

it's simple.

you're not broken.

Pick ONE THING that you need to work on.

It's not really a thing, it's more a way of being...

i don't know what mine is called... consistent, regular, scheduled, grounded...

maybe you want to be more uplifting, kind, creative, encouraging... the possibilities are eternal. :)

Then pick ONE GOAL for today.

just one.

small one.

and.

do it.

then,

say "Good Job."

and think it and feel it, cause you are great.

and, tomorrow you can pick one more thing to work on.

that's why this is a 21 day trail ride... nice and easy

and after 21 days people will say things like,

"Did you see that cowgirl?"

And, they'll be talking about you.