September 10, 2010

electrical impulses.

(this is when drew participated in a sleep study at the university of michigan... 
this is where they told me he had the highest IQ of any kid they'd ever tested... 
yeah, he's a smart little stink.)

so, when i'm pregnant, i crash at night.
and i watch random tv.
on channel 34 or 28 or 22... cause we don't have cable.
one night i watched this show where an over-weight lady had her brain operated on.
they inserted these electrodes that would stimulate her "i'm full" feeling.
although she didn't loose tons of weight, she could completely notice a difference,
her life no longer focused on food.
they could speed up her metabolism or slow it down with a little twist of the electrode.

and... that is what happens to me when i'm pregnant.
electrode/hormone twists.
i hate food, but i am hungry.
i want todd to touch me, but not cuddle with me.
i am easily frustrated with my kids,
i find no joy in cleaning my house, but i HATE when it's messy.
i could sleep all day long and all night long and still be tired.
i could live all day without interacting with another person.
people offend me and i offend people.
i don't want to cook, sew, go to the park, nothing.
i am a different person pregnant.
everything i do is an effort.
it's my brain. (and my blood... if truth be told.)
i just know that if i could twist that electrical impulse inside my brain, i'd be normal again.

once the baby comes out of my body, i am back to my old self.
it is marvelous.
i don't have to try... it's just who i am and what i love.
perhaps this contrast is why i LOVE babies so much.
even in the hospital i'm happy and cleaning and cheerful and planning the wonderful meals i'm going to make for my amazing family.
when people bring my "you've just had a baby" meals, it's embarrassing because i have 20 loaves of homemade bread on my counter and a full meal already prepared.
it's the electrical impulses, i can't help myself.

so, choosing to get pregnant again is hard for me.
mentally hard.
since this may be the very last time i'm pregnant ever,
i'm conducting an experiment.  a "marathon training."
you see, i believe that even if my electrical impulses aren't working, i can still ACT.
do the things i remember loving...

i believe that we should 1. DESIRE  2.ACT and 3.LOOK
Desire goodness, Act our part and Look for the hand of the Lord.

So, i'm really trying to ACT, even if i don't feel like doing anything.
The days I get up and clean my house, spend time with people and eat food, i do feel better.
i do.
a lot of people tell me "just listen to your body, take it easy, enjoy your laziness while you're making a baby."
but, i can't do it.  i'm not happy when i'm listening to my pregnancy impulses...
and, i'm not about to let them saw my skull off to charge me up.

if you remember my posts last time i was pregnant, i'm a vampire.
when they infuse me with blood, i feel better... magically... for a week.
then my body adjusts and i'm back to tired, cranky, dizzy...
i'm not sure it's worth the hassle

this pregnancy i bought some stuff that is supposed to stimulate blood production...
i just know that if i take 3 dropperfuls 3 times a day, i would not need my biweekly, 6 hour blood transfusion.
this stuff cost me $40 for a little bottle.
the professor was wary, but i was sure it would change my life.
and, i'm still sure it would...  if i could stand to drink it.
it is the NASTIEST stuff in the world.
and, i'm barfy.
it's not just bad, it's HORRID.
isn't that sad?
the answer to all my health problems sitting in a little bottle on my counter... and i can't do it.

i PROMISE not to whine my whole pregnancy...
just know that ANYTHING i'm doing for the next 6 months is a choice NOT an electrical impulse.
cause my impulses are busy making baby.
(no... this is not me yesterday, it's me 9 months pregnant with leah...)

and... i have the best husband in the whole world.
(it's a shame i won't like him for another 6 months.)


Bliss said...

Congrats on th preganancy! Too bad I'm not there to visit when you are being a vampire! Did you get my email?? When would the move be?? Would love to have you near!

beckyjune said...

Jen, you remind me of the important things even when you say you are tired and irritable. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you, even if it's just to add to that pile of 20 loaves of bread :)

Amelia said...

Even though pregnancy isn't exactly the same for me, I can relate in a lot of ways. When I am pregnant, I feel like my husband hates my guts. I am weepy and constantly on the defense. So strange! And the very MOMENT that baby arrives, I feel like ten million bucks! It is a fascinating process, isn't it?

Amelia said...

Oh, and just in case you are wondering who I am, I wandered here from Cjane's blog. It's nice to meet you!

Katie @ On the Banks of Squaw Creek said...

So how far along are you? I was thinking about you the other day, while I was miserably morning-sick (is that a phrase?) I was thinking, "She must not get sick, or she'd stop having kids." lol. Obviously not!

This pregnancy has been harder than the last one, but I'm 12 weeks today, and hoping that it will get better soon! But I feel like you - I don't want to do anything, yet I feel better if I go somewhere or do something. But as soon as I walk back into my (messy) house, I feel crummy again. Why is that?

Shelley Gee said...

Jen, I am so happy for you!!! I so wish I could have been able to spend time with all of you when you were up but mentally and physically I was such a mess and just couldn't do. I REALLY miss you!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...