electrical impulses.

(this is when drew participated in a sleep study at the university of michigan... 

this is where they told me he had the highest IQ of any kid they'd ever tested... 

yeah, he's a smart little stink.)

so, when i'm pregnant, i crash at night.
and i watch random tv.
on channel 34 or 28 or 22... cause we don't have cable.
one night i watched this show where an over-weight lady had her brain operated on.
they inserted these electrodes that would stimulate her "i'm full" feeling.
although she didn't loose tons of weight, she could completely notice a difference,
her life no longer focused on food.
they could speed up her metabolism or slow it down with a little twist of the electrode.

and... that is what happens to me when i'm pregnant.
electrode/hormone twists.
i hate food, but i am hungry.
i want todd to touch me, but not cuddle with me.
i am easily frustrated with my kids,
i find no joy in cleaning my house, but i HATE when it's messy.
i could sleep all day long and all night long and still be tired.
i could live all day without interacting with another person.
people offend me and i offend people.
i don't want to cook, sew, go to the park, nothing.
i am a different person pregnant.
everything i do is an effort.
it's my brain. (and my blood... if truth be told.)
i just know that if i could twist that electrical impulse inside my brain, i'd be normal again.

once the baby comes out of my body, i am back to my old self.
it is marvelous.
i don't have to try... it's just who i am and what i love.
perhaps this contrast is why i LOVE babies so much.
even in the hospital i'm happy and cleaning and cheerful and planning the wonderful meals i'm going to make for my amazing family.
when people bring my "you've just had a baby" meals, it's embarrassing because i have 20 loaves of homemade bread on my counter and a full meal already prepared.
seriously.
it's the electrical impulses, i can't help myself.

so, choosing to get pregnant again is hard for me.
mentally hard.
but...
since this may be the very last time i'm pregnant ever,
i'm conducting an experiment.  a "marathon training."
you see, i believe that even if my electrical impulses aren't working, i can still ACT.
do the things i remember loving...

i believe that we should 1. DESIRE  2.ACT and 3.LOOK
Desire goodness, Act our part and Look for the hand of the Lord.

So, i'm really trying to ACT, even if i don't feel like doing anything.
The days I get up and clean my house, spend time with people and eat food, i do feel better.
i do.
a lot of people tell me "just listen to your body, take it easy, enjoy your laziness while you're making a baby."
but, i can't do it.  i'm not happy when i'm listening to my pregnancy impulses...
and, i'm not about to let them saw my skull off to charge me up.

if you remember my posts last time i was pregnant, i'm a vampire.
when they infuse me with blood, i feel better... magically... for a week.
then my body adjusts and i'm back to tired, cranky, dizzy...
i'm not sure it's worth the hassle

this pregnancy i bought some stuff that is supposed to stimulate blood production...
i just know that if i take 3 dropperfuls 3 times a day, i would not need my biweekly, 6 hour blood transfusion.
this stuff cost me $40 for a little bottle.
the professor was wary, but i was sure it would change my life.
and, i'm still sure it would...  if i could stand to drink it.
it is the NASTIEST stuff in the world.
and, i'm barfy.
it's not just bad, it's HORRID.
isn't that sad?
the answer to all my health problems sitting in a little bottle on my counter... and i can't do it.

i PROMISE not to whine my whole pregnancy...
just know that ANYTHING i'm doing for the next 6 months is a choice NOT an electrical impulse.
cause my impulses are busy making baby.

(no... this is not me yesterday, it's me 9 months pregnant with leah...)

and... i have the best husband in the whole world.
(it's a shame i won't like him for another 6 months.)