October 14, 2010
before the dance.
planning, shopping, imagining what it was going to be like.
sometimes you were just going with girl friends, sometimes with a boy you were madly in love with, most of the time with the service project boy you had to say yes to.
always there were nervous butterflies, and for me, a break down moment when i knew it would be horrible and i would look ugly and i was scared.
this is my before the dance time of life.
and, i'm nervous, excited and breaking down.
i HATE, HATE, HATE change.
(yes, i wrote a blog titled i LOVE change. it was a JOKE title.)
but, more than hating change, i HATE the unknown.
i HATE, HATE, HATE surprises.
now, a true surprise i can handle, but a "i got you something today but i'm not going to tell you what it is."
i HATE that.
we're all going to act weird around you and pretend that we don't remember it's your birthday so we can surprise you later, i hate that.
you are moving sometime, somewhere, and hopefully selling your house shortly after giving birth to a child, and paying for your move and your new home somehow...
this makes me insane.
most of the time i can control my emotions... i know everything is going to be fine.
but today... i'm a little crazy.
even though i try not to think about it and worry about it... it's not working very well.
you see, i'm smarter than my brain.
i TRY to convince myself not to worry, but really, i know that i have a lot to be worried about.
change is going to be difficult for me and for my family.
once, at christmas time, the professor said, "honey, don't worry. I NEVER worry about Christmas and it is always magical."
HA!! that is my point. if i didn't plan and worry than it wouldn't be magical.
no, i'm not taking any mental medication.
if i drank, i'm sure a glass of wine would help...
yes, i'm a bit anxious. which is funny and odd for me, because i am usually the opposite of anxious.
i go depressed, calm and mild and carefree.
do you know, i can't even nap.
i'm pregnant and i can't sleep.
WHAT?!! this is not like me.
so, please remind me that the dance is always great. always.
God gives us what we need when we need it.
I have to believe that He has a place for us, where we will be able to provide for our family and serve others and be happy.
I can feel peace and trust and faith.
We will sell our house, our baby will come and it will be calm and right, our move will be smooth and we will see the hand of God helping us through this transition time.
thanks for listening to my therapy post.
this is a big weekend for me, we are presenting the big Stake Nativity (that i am in charge of) to all Mormon congregations in Lubbock, and we are taking the kids on a road trip to visit Stillwater, OK and Wichita, KS... and, although todd has had 3 fly back interviews he still doesn't have any official offers... so all our dreaming might be in vain.
i say to God... I'll go where you want me to go... just tell me WHERE. please. i hate choosing.
i know this isn't good. He wants us to choose. He believes in agency.
i just hate agency sometime.
i hate choosing and waiting and worrying.
but, i LOVE to dance.
and soon, we'll be dancing.