are you a tiger mom?

"Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."

Many people are talking about this Wall Street Journal article-"Why Chinese Mother's are Superior" read it here...

Here are my conclusions-- after writing the long and un-edited version below.Parenting is difficult.  We are all trying to raise children who are better than we are.  We take what we know and we add to it.  Chinese parents are really good at raising competent, successful children.  I have always admired Chinese parents and Chinese children.  I don't believe that any parenting style carried to an extreme is good.  There is a lot we can learn from each other.  Sometimes, I am too strict, and the Spirit whispers in my ear that I need to love more.  Sometimes, I am too laid back and the Spirit whispers in my ear to expect more of my children.  Sometimes, I feel victimized by my bad kids and the Spirit whispers in my ear that it MY job to teach them.  Sometimes, they are great, or normal, and the Spirit whispers to me-- this is life and it is wonderful.  Ultimately, when I am listening, I hear what I need to know when I need to know it.  I love Amy Chua... I think she will be a great voice in my brain.  Overall-- i think parents are GOOD.  And, so are kids.  Despite us, because of us, and because this is all part of God's plan for our eternal happiness.  We will do a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong... and LIFE IS GOOD. 

Here are my initial thoughts... it's long and un-edited.  Like MOST of my blogs.
i laugh.  honestly, i agree A LOT with what Amy Chua describes as Chinese parenting.  i feel that i am a lot like her.  FOR SURE, i am the heavy and the professor is the soft one.  I expect my kids to behave and take piano and get good grades.  (i think, i've never had a kid get bad grades so i don't know how i'd react.)

But, like she says, western parents who think they are strict make their kids practice 30 minutes.  I only make mine practice 15 minutes... and i don't check to be sure they are doing it right.

I do not spend a lot of my time telling my kids that i love them unconditionally. 
I do not think kids should always hear a kind voice from me.
I am kind and praising when they are choosing good choices.  I am harsh and disapproving when they are not.  They know the difference.  And, they behave well for me.
The professor is more "kind".  He practices great "self control".  At bedtime he brings them 10 glasses of water and hugs and kisses them 100 times- even when they are continually whining or getting out of bed.  Not me.  I tuck in, I kiss and hug (if they are listening and not crying and whining) and i leave the door open the first time.  If they get out of bed "just to tell me they love me." I say, "get back in that bed."  Even if they say they just want to give me a hug and a kiss... i tell them "i don't want a kiss from you when you are not doing what i asked you to do.  If you loved me, you would be obedient."
My kids know when I am happy and pleased with their behavior and when I am not happy.
I label behavior, and say HORRIBLE things like, "I think you are being lazy."  Or, "That was dumb."  Or, "I don't even like you at all right now."
My mother was more harsh with her language.

I'm glad that the professor and I are balanced.  I believe that my children are successful because of ME.  :)
Is that horrible to say?
It doesn't take long for them to slide from completely capable and independent-- to completely helpless.
When the professor is home after school he tries to be more "helpful" with piano and homework and stuff...
all of a sudden the kids are crying at the piano saying they can't practice because they don't know how.
He sits there for an hour with them, patiently showing them where to put each hand and teaching them each page.
inside, i laugh.  to me, my kids are playing him... they don't need him, they just want his attention and they get it by pretending to be incapable or scared or confused.
the next day, he is at school, and my kids try the "i don't know how to practice" tears.
i just laugh and tell them to keep working at it.  i know they are smart enough to figure it out.  I act like i don't know how to help them.  I say, "Sorry it's so hard.  Keep trying."  And then, I walk away.  No sympathy, no emotion, no time spent codling.
In two minutes i hear the piano keys and they are fine.
My kids are independent.  They care more about getting straight A's than I do.  They do their homework BY THEMSELVES. 
They come to me when they want me to help practice something... in a positive way.  "Hey mom, can you ask me my spelling words?"  I usually say, "What have you done to practice?"  They show me there paper where they, on their own, wrote them already... or they go and write them.  And then, i quiz them.  NOT because they are whining and crying and saying they NEED help.  I help them because they are helping themselves...  

Yes, I spend time with my kids.  I read to them, I teach them, I hug them and cuddle with them and tell them how wonderful i think they are... I try to do these things often-- when they are being wonderful.  I do not hug and kiss and cuddle with them when they are being rotten.  It is important to note-- I spend A LOT of time teaching my kids... i just don't teach them when they aren't trying.  I don't help them when they are whining and rebelling against me.  If they cry and whine and act helpless, i have them sit on the bench and i spend time with another child who isn't misbehaving.  If a child is working hard, and needs me, I will spend time teaching and helping.  I think the important part of Amy Chua's piano example is that her daughter got MAD.  She slammed the piano, she ripped her music, she was being rebellious.  And, Amy responded harshly.  No.  That is not how we behave.  You can do this. 

I may have shared this story before.  I was sitting outside of dance and there was another mother with her 4th grade son.  The mother was trying to get her son to practice his spelling words.  The son was whining and being VERY sassy and not cooperating.  You could tell he was a good kid, having an attitude.  He was acting like a 2 year old- at one time he even ran out of the studio and the mom had to chase him and make him sit back down to study.  The mother kept insisting that he spell another word.  I was watching amazed.  We started talking and the mother told me that it is like this EVERY DAY.  I smiled and said kids are funny.  I said "My kids are usually asking me to help them study.  I have never chased them down the sidewalk with a spelling list.  But, I've never had a kid who really struggled with school."  The mom smiled and said, "Oh, Johnny has gotten 100% on every spelling test."  WHAT?!  This mom fights with her kid EVERY day and he is getting straight A's.  I'm not this mother.  I am very careful not to make my children's responsibilities my responsibilities.  It's a hard balance.  But, when my kids get good grades I KNOW and THEY KNOW they have earned them... not me.  PS- my kids do not get 100% on every spelling test.  western or chinese?

How about the threatening thing?  Again, I totally do that.  At bedtime, I expect my kids to get out of bed.  Because I don't have power over "go to sleep."  I tell them to stay in bed.  I give them great things- a water bottle, a stuffed bear, i leave the door open a crack, etc.  If they get out of bed, I take away a great thing.  "I'm sorry that you got out of bed, I guess you don't want your water bottle."   OHHHH!! tears, sobs, please!!  Again, I say my expectation.  "Stay in bed."  and add, "If you keep crying I will shut your door.  If you want your water bottle back, lay quietly in your bed for 5 minutes."  Leah will say, as she's wiping away her tears, "Can I have a hug?"  I will say, "No, I will give you a hug when you show me you will stay in bed."
harsh-- probably.  but remember, i did hug her, at the beginning of the bedtime routine.  she is feeling bad because she has not obeyed.  i think that feeling is a good feeling.  I'm not going to take it away prematurely.
After a few minutes of her laying quietly in bed, i will go back in and give her water bottle back.  She will smile so big and say, "I listened!!  I stayed in bed and i stopped crying."  I will hug her and kiss her and tell her I knew she could choose the right.  Then I leave.  Now, she is feeling a good feeling-- because she made good choices, NOT because I hugged and kissed away her negative feelings.  If she doesn't listen when I take away the water bottle, i shut the door, or take away her blanket or tell her if she gets out of bed again i will spank her leg.  Most kids don't push the line.  Some kids do. 

I'm not a sweet, loving, kind talking mother.  But, I'm real.  I'm not a FAKE kind.  My kids don't feel my frustration with them and hear fake loving words.  I think this is confusing for kids- they are feeling bad and they are hearing "you're good".  When I praise them, I'm really feeling proud of them.  When I hug and kiss them, I don't have to force myself to feel loving.  When I'm upset with them, they know it.  It's not confusing to them.  They really do know I love them when I say I love them.  I'm not a big fan of, "I love you, but i'm not happy with you right now."  They know I love them.  But, they also know I don't like them when they are brats. 

I don't mind that my husband is a soft one- this is one thing that i love most about him.  He's not home often.  My kids aren't ruined because he takes 5 hours coaxing them through a piano practice.  This is how they bond... and it's different but not wrong.  I will say, he has never taught a kid to ride a bike-- he's too kind.  I'm the one that yells at them while they are crying, "pedal, pedal, don't be a wimp."  And, they ride.  But, i love to watch him out there with them for hours... running patiently beside them with sweat running down his face.  They know he loves them and maybe someday they will tell stories of their mean mommy and nice daddy... and i'm ok with that. 

I DO NOT like ANYONE else to be harsh with my kids.  It's not their place.  It's mine.  I am not critical of other people's kids... it's not my job.  I think our job is to love the beasts, smile at moms trying to do their best, and be supportive.  Sure, I see other people parenting in ways that I wouldn't.  Who cares.  We are all doing the best we can.  We all love our kids.  We all learn different things at different times.  I believe it is a grandparent's role to love their grandkids.  To enjoy and to get to know their grandkids- when they see grandkids misbehaving, i think they should distract them or bring them to their parents.  You can not be in a position to teach or discipline children when you don't know them.

And, I don't often discipline my children in public.  Public displays of discipline are more for the observers than the child.  If we have company over, and my children are not behaving, I ignore it.  If it's bad, I will take their hands and have them sit by me.  Sometimes, i do a quick "sit on the bench".  But for the most part, i redirect crazy kids.  When the company leaves, i sit them down and discuss what they were doing that was NOT ok.  BEFORE company comes over I tell them what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.  I remember a young jakob saying, "I know mom, when our friends come over we will NOT act like BANSHEES." 

Oh, i love thinking about parenting styles.  I loved reading this article.  I loved feeling the lesson that Amy was trying to show... sometimes, if you love your kids, you will help them to succeed.  Even if you might be the mean one.  And, kids are pretty dang resilient.  If not, there is always therapy when they're older. 

I have to add one more thing...  I LOVE TEXAS parents.  LOVE THEM.
TEXAS parents are more committed to their children then any where i have ever lived.  It is not uncommon for children to be taken to work with their parents, to be brought to meetings.  Every Saturday the whole family attends sporting events wearing hats and t-shirts advertising their kids.
Most Texas parents are VERY involved and VERY strict.
Their kids are respectful.  They are well dressed and good.
Texas parents aren't afraid to discipline their children.  Many spank and do not apologize for it.
Texas kids are loved fully and expected to behave and to perform.
Maybe it is just my conservative town of Lubbock, but honestly, I've learned so much from watching my Texas friends.  I think it's a cowboy mentality.  Good old-fashioned values--hard work, respect, accountability.
i love it.

PS--  I DO NOT think i'm the perfect parent.  In fact, I think I am FAR from the perfect parent.  I see and know my weakness more than others.  I am CONSTANTLY learning from God, from other people and from my mistakes.  I don't think Amy Chua thinks she is a perfect parent either.  I think she is just giving us her perspective- the good and the bad.  One thing i am good at-- raising INDEPENDENT children.  I'm not sure that I caused them to be independent... i think they just came that way.  i know many parents that are VERY different from me, who have children that turn out GREAT.  i think my kids are great... but really, they are just regular.  A package of good with bad.  And, the professor and i, we are just regular too.  i like to think about parenting... and so do you if you made it through this book of  a blog...

have a great Saturday!!