When I am happy, he is happy.
When I am cranky, he is cranky.
My days are difficult these days.
They sound nice from a distance.
I got up, fed the baby, got the big kids to school, dressed the little girls, fed the baby, showered, dressed, went to the park, made cookies, visited with a friend, fed the little girls lunch, put the little girls down for a nap, fed the baby, picked the big kids up from school, started dinner, fed the baby... etc. etc.
The details are bit crankier... it is HARD to do anything.
Hard, but normal and FINE.
If you ask me, I'll tell you. Life is hard but good.
My husband, he usually gets the FULL story-- the full story with HARD emphasized.
Why do I do this? Why do I need him to know every gory detail of HARD that I go through?
Why can I talk to my friends and laugh and tell them about my cute baby, and talk to my husband 5 minutes later and cry telling him all the hard things that have happened?
Partly, I have always felt that being "ONE" meant that he really KNOWS me... my hard stuff and my good stuff. He knows, understands and loves me still. But lately, I wonder, is that complaining side of me really ME? Or, is it just a bad habit.
The other day I had a doctor appointment. I had asked the professor to move the car seats around and put baby eve's car seat in the Suburban. When I FINALLY got out to the car, I noticed that he hadn't done it. Now, he has done 100,000 things lately-- and he forgot this one. I really, really wanted to just swallow it. Just put the car seats in the car and NOT call him to complain. And, I didn't call him. (I called my girlfriend and cried to her about my morning instead.) But then later, after the appointment, I called him. And, while we were talking I just had to mention that on top of everything I had to do that morning, I had to buckle in car seats. BLAH!! Why? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?
I heard a great talk recently... about marriage. It was by Elder Richard G. Scott... you can read the talk here. He said...
As I have thought back over our life together, I realize how blessed we’ve been. We have not had arguments in our home or unkind words between us. Now I realize that blessing came because of her. It resulted from her willingness to give, to share, and to never think of herself. In our later life together, I tried to emulate her example. I suggest that as husband and wife you do the same in your home.
How I wish I could imagine my husband saying this about me.
Nope.
Here are some other things he would never say about me...
"She never complained."
"She was always cheerful."
"Coming home each day was a breath of fresh air."
Today, I am going to do better. I really, really am going to try harder to be more cheerful and grateful when I talk to my husband.
I'm going to be "willing to give, to share and NEVER think of myself."
Or at least I'm going to try...
I'm going to try to emphasize the positive in my life. To be more positive with my husband, my children and everyone I talk to.
Really, really, I am so happy.
Yes, my chest is still a bit raw.
Yes, I am finding it nearly impossible to keep my house clean and laundry done.
Yes, I'm sick of living like students.
Yes, I'm scared to death to try and sell my house and move with seven kids.
BUT...
my life is SO good and I am SO happy.
and most of all, I want my husband to know that.
I've been watching the Dick VanDyke show while I nurse.
Mary Tyler Moore is DARLING. She's such a kind wife. I really want to be more like her.
The episode I think of most often is when Dick VanDyke bought her home this hideous Empress Carlotta necklace and she was too kind to tell him that she hated it.
Yeah, I'm not so kind.
But, part of me wants to be more like this. More sensitive to his feelings and more sweet.
Want to join me? Just for one week?! I think I'm going to call it my... Happy Mother, Happy Home challenge.
My hypothesis is that my house can be just as messy, my tummy can be just as flabby, my dinners can be just as burnt or not quite finished, and IF i'm happy my husband will be happy and my whole home will be better.
Yes, a lesson I have learned hundreds of times before, and just need to remind myself.
Happy Mother = Happy Home.
just watch me SMILE this week.
ask me about my day, I'll tell you... it was GREAT!!
and really, every day IS great if you look for the great within it.
right?!
ps-- a question for you...
My sister in law, rebekah, and I came to the conclusion that if we need to VENT we should vent to a girlfriend instead of our husbands.
(This is what mary tyler moore does on the show, too.)
Philisophically, I don't like this idea... practically, it seems to work a lot better.
Many times I think it is better to vent to one of my good girl friends-- because they understand quickly what I'm experiencing and they don't try to FIX my problems.
When I vent to a girlfriend, we end up laughing and feeling empathized with and somehow spiritually strengthened.
When I vent to my husband, he feels responsible-- like he's failing somehow.
It's just not the same.
I don't know-- what do you think?
pps-- Just wanted to make one NOTE... My husband and I are GREAT communicators. I'm not naturally a sweet, quiet wife who doesn't let him know how I feel. (Just in case you were wondering.) But, this week, I have felt prompted to WATCH MY WORDS. Because I may have gotten into a habit of focusing on the negative. Yes, communication is ESSENTIAL to a good marriage. But don't you ever find yourself in a rut where your husband hears all the negative and misses a lot of the positive things that happen each day? It's pretty sad when he has to read my blog to know how happy I really am. So, this week, I am going to focus on the positive. I'm going to try NOT to complain, NOT to tell him all the gory details of my life, just the positive highlights. He has a lot going on right now (finishing up his dissertation, planning a move, etc.) And, this one week of Happy Wife is how I can love him a little bit better. To me, it's all about BALANCE. Sometimes the Spirit tells me to talk MORE, but this week, I'm feeling the need to talk LESS. Or at least LESS NEGATIVE, MORE POSITIVE... I wish I was disciplined enough to become Mary Tyler Moore overnight, but I'm not.
ps-- a question for you...
My sister in law, rebekah, and I came to the conclusion that if we need to VENT we should vent to a girlfriend instead of our husbands.
(This is what mary tyler moore does on the show, too.)
Philisophically, I don't like this idea... practically, it seems to work a lot better.
Many times I think it is better to vent to one of my good girl friends-- because they understand quickly what I'm experiencing and they don't try to FIX my problems.
When I vent to a girlfriend, we end up laughing and feeling empathized with and somehow spiritually strengthened.
When I vent to my husband, he feels responsible-- like he's failing somehow.
It's just not the same.
I don't know-- what do you think?
pps-- Just wanted to make one NOTE... My husband and I are GREAT communicators. I'm not naturally a sweet, quiet wife who doesn't let him know how I feel. (Just in case you were wondering.) But, this week, I have felt prompted to WATCH MY WORDS. Because I may have gotten into a habit of focusing on the negative. Yes, communication is ESSENTIAL to a good marriage. But don't you ever find yourself in a rut where your husband hears all the negative and misses a lot of the positive things that happen each day? It's pretty sad when he has to read my blog to know how happy I really am. So, this week, I am going to focus on the positive. I'm going to try NOT to complain, NOT to tell him all the gory details of my life, just the positive highlights. He has a lot going on right now (finishing up his dissertation, planning a move, etc.) And, this one week of Happy Wife is how I can love him a little bit better. To me, it's all about BALANCE. Sometimes the Spirit tells me to talk MORE, but this week, I'm feeling the need to talk LESS. Or at least LESS NEGATIVE, MORE POSITIVE... I wish I was disciplined enough to become Mary Tyler Moore overnight, but I'm not.
8 comments:
I LOVE this post...sharing the good stuff more than the bad stuff...thinking joyfully before blurting...hard to do, but great rewards with happy family:) Good Luck!!
I agree that we sometimes dump our frustrations on our spouse, which isn't fair. But I don't think we have to be sweet wives who never complain. Sometimes you do need to just rant and get things off your chest. Naturally, the person you chose as your partner is the one you want to listen and hear the nitty gritty of your life. Vent with kindness, but don't feel like you can't vent. ")
I have had people tell me that as a resident physicians wife, I should just swallow all my complaints, and be the pretty perfect wife. The one that always has the house clean, dinner on the table, be showered with make up on and basically, be the cheerful everything is perfect wife while my husband is in residency. Justin doesn't want that. He wants to hear my frustrations, my difficulties.
That said, I think that there are some things that it is okay to complain to a friend about. Sometimes we need a friend to complain to and then can help us figure out how we can see it a different way. And there are also times when our husbands do want to hear what we have to say and what we are feeling. Being one doesn't mean that you suffer through being a mom and being home with the kids all the time and they think your life is always perfect. Being one means working through hard times together.
I have a lot I need to work on in this department!
Happy Mother, Happy Home. I like it. President Ballard spoke in our stake conference today. He asked us to be a little kinder. Be loving. Also to get back to the basics with our spouse; ie: scripture study and daily prayer.
As for venting: I personally feel that husbands need to be in the know. They need to know how you feel, and how your day was, the things that bug you, and those you are grateful for.
Maybe find a way to vent to your husband that doesn't place blame, or make him feel responsible. Let him know you don't necessarily need solutions. You need a sound board. I think important things get lost when communication is swayed to friends rather than hashed out at home.
I do think that every now and then, there are some things that women understand better than a man. I'm sorry, but men and women have such different thought processes that sometimes I feel like I'm talking to air; or that we're having two different conversations at once.
I have had friends "vent" about things that were frankly none of my business. I found myself too emotionally involved in their lives, rather than focusing on the important things in my own.
BUT, I have also had wonderful conversations with dear friends, on touchy subjects. And I thoroughly appreciate the insights I have gained, and the understanding that I am not the only one who thinks/acts/feels the way I do about certain things.
As with everything in life; use your best judgment.
Totally count me IN on your challenge. (I don't even know that I can go 48 hours, let alone a whole week, but I'd love to try...)
I vent both ways--girlfriends AND husband. Though mostly to my sisters! :-)
I'm so glad you posted about this. I've been dealing with these very same things this weekend. My blog = all the good. My blah at night to my husband = all the teeny tiny things that added up to frustrate me. I wondered why I feel compelled to tell him everything. I guess I want him to understand my day so he can support me emotionally. But yah - I don't think he wants to hear all my crap (pardon the word!). I've decided I need to keep my mouth shut more often. Sigh... Yep - I'm in on the Happy Mother - Happy Home this week. p.s. i can't imagine my husband could ever say those things about me either. Isn't Elder Scott so cute with his love for his good wife.
I personally think you can vent to your friends or sisters about things you are experiencing, but never vent to them about your husband. I try to think about all he is doing at work, etc. instead of all of the stuff I am doing. I like to think of myself more of as his help meet, we balance each other out, but we will never be the same person, we just complete each other.
give yourself a break!! you just gave birth, are still sore and getting through some of the roughest phases of motherhood...read again what Todd wrote on your blog after Eve arrived...it was lovely and he is amazed by you. of course we take short cuts with the ones we love most, and we should try harder not to...but our husbands give us that 'soft place to fall' as I think Dr Phil says. Someone once wrote after giving birth the new mom should stay in her PJs for a few days so everyone understands that she needs rest and to recover...there is no easy anything when your body is recovering from such a (wonderful) trauma...I say, take a nap while Todd feeds them all dinner tonight and then you can be more smiley. Love you all...Todd's a hero...and a very very lucky man to have you
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