14 years.

The professor and I just celebrated our anniversary. 
We have been married 14 years.  14 years and 7 kids.  Wow!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life the past 14 years.  This weekend I flew back to Virginia, where I grew up.  I saw my best friend from high school get married.  I visited with many of my friends' parents who I hadn't seen since my wedding.  Visiting with people who knew me then, I felt just like the young girl I once was.  And, I wondered what they saw when they looked at me with my new little baby.  How am I different?  How am I the same?  Everyone was shocked that I have so many kids.  It was kind of funny the amazed reactions I got.

At the wedding I wore a knee-length skirt, a white shirt and a cardigan.  I had my hair in a pony tail, with a silver clip and a necklace/earring set I bought at Target for $15.  I could have worn that same outfit 15 years ago in high school.  I'm a bit softer and chubbier these days.  I wore high heels instead of penny loafers-- but outside I'm pretty much what I was then.    Part of me wishes for a more "grown up" appearance.
I mentally list all the extras that I could have... a tan, muscles from the gym, fake fingernails, a manicure and pedicure, eyelash extensions, a facial (to get rid of the age spot that's forming on my cheek), a new outfit from Talbots or Anne Taylor or JCrew, expensive shoes, a stylish purse, highlights in my hair, a new hairstyle, lipstick, diamond earrings, etc.
If I had the funds I would have loved to show up at the wedding all decked out.  And, I could have had all those things.  But, I don't.  Why?  Well, we're in school.  If I have extra money I spend it on new shoes for my kids who have feet that grow very fast.  I have lots of kids with birthdays and parties they are invited to go to... I buy books instead of shoes.  I like to look at other people who are fashionable, but really I'm just classic and predictable and boring.  I don't think I'll ever be the stylish icon I sometimes wish I was.

Outside, I'm not so different than I was 14 years ago... but, I've spent the past 14 years working on my inside.  If you could see my inside, I have changed a lot.
Having children has changed me.  I am more kind, more patient, more empathetic, more selfless.  I've learned to love-- the verb kind of love.  I've learned to sacrifice.
And, I am so rich. 

In Virginia, I only had baby Eve with me.  And, she was my treasure.  She is so darling.  Bright-eyed and beautiful.  How blessed I am to have that sweet baby.  Really, it didn't matter at all what I was wearing.  Because people didn't even look at me-- they looked at my sweet baby.  And she is perfect.  She smiled and cooed and slept and fussed.  She was shining brighter than diamonds.  And, she was just ONE. 

Every time I told people that she was my seventh baby I wished I had my other kids around me.  I wanted them to see Jakob.  To see how mature and responsible and good he is.  I wanted them to see how hard he works at everything he does and for them to see how good he is with his younger sisters.  I wanted them to meet Drew and see how dang cute that kid is.  To hear his witty jokes and how he knows so much about so many things.  I wanted them to meet sweet, lady like Anna, and bright-eyed, sensitive, creative Ellie.  To see Leah sparkling and excited about life, and darling Lily with her cute pigtails and tender mothering ways. 

Since I've been home, I have been thinking about the words of Anne Campbell, who wrote as she looked upon her children:

You are the trip I did not take;
You are the pearls I cannot buy;
You are my blue Italian lake;
You are my piece of foreign sky.
(“To My Child,” quoted in Charles L. Wallis, ed., The Treasure Chest [1965], 54)

Todd and I celebrated our anniversary by going out to lunch.
No big trips around the world or expensive gifts.
I was bouncing a fussy baby while we ate and we remembered 11 years ago celebrating our 2nd anniversary in Provo, Utah at China Lily.  We had a 3 month old Jakob who was fussy.  Todd ate while I bounced the baby outside and then I ate while he bounced the baby.  Things aren't that different today. 

I have a feeling that much will change in the next 14 years.  I have a feeling that I will get my manicures and diamond earrings, if that is what I want.  I think we will have more fun vacations and more time for pampering as our kids grow older.  But, I know that I will NEVER regret these first 14 years.  I won't regret the sacrifices we have made for the great bounty we have been given. 

Todd asked me what I felt the highlights were over the past 14 years.
We mentioned our cruise (for our 10th anniversary), and fun times with family and friends.
But really, the highlight of the past 14 years can't be measured in trips or events.
The highlights are moments-- and becoming.

Todd and I have become-- over the past fourteen years.
We work so good together.  The highlights were the middle of the night as we rocked a sick baby.  Setting time aside for lunch dates to stay connected during his PhD program.  14 years of being intimate-- learning and growing together.  14 years of learning how to be individuals together.  We laugh together A LOT.  We are both very funny, or at least we think we are!!  We're really good at family time and scripture study and budgeting and finding balance in alone and together time.  We've learned how to keep house and put our kids to bed without kids coming out of bed all night long.  We laugh together and communicate our differences without fighting. 

I remember hearing a talk on marriage when we were in college together.  I remember the speaker encouraging us to not be so volatile-- fight and make-up all the time.  She described this woman that when her wedding dress caught on fire she just said, "Oh well!" and laughed it off.  I remember thinking that I could NEVER be like that.  And, I am like that.  I have learned.  Together, Todd and I have learned how to fight nicely, most of the time. 

Again, this is a post that wasn't very well thought out... I'm just writing it very fast before I head to the store to buy a birthday gift and then to the school for another award assembly. 
But, it is for me.
For me to remember.  Yes, I have been married 14 years and I am still a young wife with no money, just graduating from school.  Our cars are old and our bank account is similar to what it was.  I still have cover girl make up, skirts from goodwill, and fake earrings from Target.
But, I am different.  My life is full and good.  And, I have a home that is Heavenly.  I've worked hard to learn how to be a good wife and mother and homemaker.  I'm still learning, but I LOVE the life I am living.

Sometimes I look at others and I yearn for the things I don't have. 
I wonder how my life could have been if I was just getting married, or just having my first baby...
But, I think we each have our own journey. 
And, this is my journey.
14 years.  And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.
Life is good.