the dews.

from our balcony this morning.

At different times in my mothering I have found individual children more difficult to love.  Are mothers allowed to admit that?  Not just children, my husband, a friend, a co-worker, an extended family member...  My natural response when i feel my heart hardening is to press forward with grit and determination.  I will love this person.  I go through the motions of affection, I speak the words of affection and pray that my soul will be changed.  This has served me well.  There is a scripture that says, "Whosoever shall DO my will shall KNOW of my doctrine."  The principle is true... Act and you will be Filled.

However, at the start of this past Christmas vacation I was at a different place. I was struggling to love a particular child and I was tired of fighting past it.  I gave my hard heart to the Lord.  I told Him that I needed His help and I let it go.  I just was where i was.

I began to notice the change in small things.  Instead of seeing fault in everything my child did, I started noticing goodness and effort.  It was as if I had a small angel sitting on my shoulder pointing things out that I hadn't seen before.  It was natural and real, not forced.

I told you yesterday about the unsolicited parenting advice i received from my friend.  He told me, "Just don't worry about the small things."   Particularly he was referring to a battle I was having that night with Ellie.  Ellie comes home crying because people say she is fat.  She cries that she wears a bigger size than her older sister.  And when I see her with a plate overflowing with dessert my heart cringes.  I don't know what to say or how to react.  I feel like I need to help her eat healthily.  So, she spends the whole night asking for my dessert and I spend the whole night telling her she's had enough.  Dave said, "Let it go."  He told me that he had a few sons who were bigger around her age and they just grew out of it as they matured.  When I told him she cries about her weight he smiled and said that would be a good motivator for her to eat less sweets on her own... i didn't need to worry.  I don't tell this story to tell you exactly how to parent or to make it seem like I know the right way to parent.  I tell you this story to say, on that day Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed to hear.  It was soothing to my soul.  It was soothing to my relationship.  I felt a peace where I had previously felt worry.  And, it came as the dews from Heaven (d&c 121:45)-- not because I was struggling to figure things out.

This morning I kissed my little one goodbye as she headed to the car.  She was happy.  She wasn't last.  Yes, she still left her lunch by the front door- again.  (I'm still waiting for her frantic phone call.)  She left a pile of muddy washcloths and a dirty knife and scraped off mud all over a folding card table in my computer room (she had to scrape her uggs so she could wear them to school).  I have muddy footprints all over my carpet.  She was wearing a silky dress shirt and black pants to school.  (forever fancy!)  She listened to scripture time on the floor where she was playing with Eve.  She didn't wear socks, but grabbed a pair to put on in the car.  Her bed wasn't made.  I'm not sure if her teeth were brushed.  (Maybe they were, because I found her jammies on the floor in the bathroom.)  But, as I kissed her goodbye I felt overwhelming love in my heart.  She is a mess, but she tried so hard this morning.  I saw it without even trying.  I FELT it.  She was up and dressed, not whining in her bed.  She did her hair, she made her lunch.  She didn't cry about muddy shoes, she just took care of it.  She is young.  She is trying.  She is good.  And, she is loved.  By Him and me...

Today, i love that girl more.  A LOT.  I want to praise her efforts and comfort her journey.  I don't feel burdened, I feel blessed.  I see my sacred stewardship and I am ready to handle her with care.

God blessed me.
God changed me.
God took my hard heart and made it squishy wet with love.

I am so grateful.

I read this sweet story and i thought of ME.  Sitting at my piano trying to pluck out a song.  Every day I am blessed with a Savior who puts His arms around me and makes my song beautiful.
I am so grateful.
And, I thought of HER.
My sweet child... plucking away at life.
she is encompassed in His arms too.
and He is teaching me how to love her more every day.
we are both plucking at the Master's piano.

President Faust tells a story of a young piano student.  His mother, wishing to encourage him, “bought tickets for a performance of the great Polish pianist, Paderewski. The night of the concert arrived and the mother and son found their seats near the front of the concert hall. While the mother visited with friends, the boy slipped quietly away.“Suddenly, it was time for the performance to begin and a single spotlight cut through the darkness of the concert hall to illuminate the grand piano on stage. Only then did the audience notice the little boy on the bench, innocently picking out ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.’

“His mother gasped, but before she could move, Paderewski appeared on stage and quickly moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy, ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ And then, leaning over, the master reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side, encircling the child, to add a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held the crowd mesmerized.

“In our lives, unpolished though we may be, it is the Master who surrounds us and whispers in our ear, time and time again, ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ And as we do, He augments and supplements until a work of amazing beauty is created. He is right there with all of us, telling us over and over, ‘Keep playing.’” 

^{James E. Faust October 1999 General Conference "What it Means to be a Daughter of God."}

I know that God answers prayers.
I know that we must LOVE MORE.
He doesn't just command us... he provides a way that we may accomplish the thing that He has commanded.
He changes us.
He is real.
I have felt His touch.
again.
and again.
I am born again.
and again.

oregon dews...

in small and simple ways are great things brought to pass.
just keep playing... (and praying.)
life is good.