on being slow.

oh how my heart is full of this concept.
how i yearn to master it.
diligence amidst the calm.
the eye of the storm.
priorities and peace.
i believe Christ was a great example of this.
"my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
"come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and i will give you rest."
"peace i give unto you, not as the world giveth"

thursday night we were having scripture time.
one child was having a difficult time making it.
she couldn't find her scriptures.
she couldn't quiet her mind, or her thoughts, or her actions.
she went from person to person causing trouble
and was eventually sent to her room.
she actually went to the top of the stairs where she just cried and cried.
as i was trying to herd her into bed, the tears continued.
i tried to explain... it's no big deal.  just one bad night, tomorrow will be better.
she countered--
everything is bad.
it's just too hard.
she can't come to scripture time because she is so far behind.
she's been trying to read her scriptures everyday but she can't find them.
or she forgets and now she is days behind.
she still had a current event homework undone.
and she was certain she would not be able to get it done in the morning because it takes all her time just to get dressed (and find her shoes).
she never has time to make a good lunch.
she never has time to practice her piano like she wants to.
she never has time to get all her chores done.
she never has time to finish all her extra credit so she can earn more H-bucks.
it's impossible.  (insert more crying).

and, i had a moment.
a BIG moment.
you see, i have a list in my brain of "Things I Didn't Learn From My Parents".
and, sometimes i'm snotty that there are so many things on that list.
this was the first time that i saw my own child with a "Things I Didn't Learn From My Parents" list.
this child SOUNDED JUST LIKE ME.
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
i ALWAYS feel that i have more to do than hours to do it.
i'm continually overwhelmed.
and, i hate that.
life is not about living in failure.
life is about doing ONE good THING.  about FINISHING. and about FEELING the joy from accomplishing.
(remember this post about "Rejoicing in the Finishes Amidst the Unfinished"?)
and moving on.
i wanted to be her peace and assurance.
i was her peace.
i told her that i would print out her current event.
that in the morning i would type for her while she told me what to write- we would be super fast.
i offered to pack her lunch for her.
to spend some time reading with her so she can catch-up to the family (i still need to do this)
i gave her a kiss and told she is young and good.
that she can go to sleep FEELING like she had a good day and that tomorrow would be even better.
i made a mental note--  LEARN this, so i can TEACH it to her.

i imagined the future of my FIVE future mothers.
all tantruming each day-- because it's just too hard.

Healthy people know how to be content and still amidst the vast array of possibilities.

my mother in law is a still person.
i am always amazed at the peace she brings when she visits my home.
(usually around the birth of a baby)
after just a few days time, i notice that my home is shining.
my laundry is done.
my fridge is full of good things.
meals are regular and quickly cleaned up.
my kids have taken a walk each day.
she reads them stories and sings songs.
even my mother in law takes a nap each day.
and there is peace.
no big marathons, just consistent and steady.

our prophet is like this too.
although he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, he is a still man.
i have read these words from Virginia Pearces book, Through His Eyes, again and again...
she says, "Elder M. Russell Ballard came to our stake conference.  He voiced great concern over the state of the world, especially Satan's influence, and then just the sheer busyness of our lives.  He pled with us to make time to be quiet . . . to sit, even just to hold our scriptures and think about our lives.  The Holy Ghost speaks to us quietly.
"I believe one of the unexpected gifts President Thomas S. Monson is giving to us as members of the Church is a call to slow down.  When he speaks, he tells stories, giving us time to step into someone else's life.  And they are usually stories about taking time for individuals, enjoying the simple luxury of quiet visits and conversations.  AS we listen to him speak, we can almost feel ourselves slowing down a bit-- entering a world that isn't about lists or the clock but rather about listening and responding to the promptings of the Holy Ghost."

Oh, how i LOVE that.
the "CALL TO SLOW DOWN".
must i admit that i often listen to president monson's talk and urge him to HURRY UP!
i want him to give me a list of things to do to be better.
i want principle and theory and a quick fix to my happily ever after.
after changing my perspective, i watched again the last general conference talk by president monson.
(you can watch it here...)

and i CRIED.
i heard the voice of a prophet.
telling me that GOD hears me and answers my prayers.
and what is greater than that?
really.
i commune with GOD and i get discouraged because i'm not finishing the hundreds of tasks i set for myself each day.
hello?!

when my babies were sick a couple weeks ago, i sat on the couch (staring at my tardy Christmas decorations)
i didn't do much.
but there was peace and joy knowing i was doing just what i needed to do.

i had another conversion moment.
with my husband.
i remember feeling like he didn't care about me.
i remember feeling like he wasn't even trying.
(honestly it's hard for me to even remember how i came to these conclusions because i just think differently now.)
he has a history of being a bad gift-giver.
as in, he gives me nothing.
ever.
this year i went to a store and put things on hold that he could choose from.
he forgot to go and they took the things off hold.
finally, i just bought myself an outfit and put it under the tree.
i hate that.
to me, it wasn't about the gift, it was about the effort-- and in my mine, he didn't make any.
and, he agreed with me.  he was pretty hard on himself.
he kept saying, "I know.  I must not care enough because i didn't even think about you for Christmas.  I don't know what's wrong with me."
isn't that sad?
i knew it wasn't great that he didn't give me gifts- i didn't understand WHY he was like that.
but, i decided  i didn't care.
i wasn't going to dwell on that, because in my soul i KNOW he does love me.  A LOT.
i gave that part to God to work with and I chose to just be grateful for him.
because i am.

i was sitting beside him one evening and the spirit said to my soul, clear as day.
it's not that he isn't trying, it's that HE'S TRYING TOO HARD.
in that instant, my vision completely changed.
i saw todd, as he is.
a man who NEVER rests.
he wakes by 5:30... he works, he serves, he goes through his ever diligent day.
he cooks dinner, if i'm not done when he gets home, he does the dishes, he puts the kids to bed, he is ever working on his papers, ever thinking about the concepts.
for every disagreement we have he creates a new checkpoint to add to his overflowing list...
when he's sitting in the car and sees me coming out with my arms full he says,
"ok, i will always check with you before i get in the car on Sunday morning"
he wakes all night long with our fussy baby- he hands her to me, i nurse, then he rocks her back to sleep.
all night long.  then, he gets up again at 5:30am.
he showers every day, he studies his scriptures every day, he kneels to pray every morning and night.
he blows me out of the water with his diligence.
he tries TOO hard and so he misses some things.
the quiet things.
and he misses the peace and joy.
that night i wanted to surround him with love, always.
to spend my hours letting him know he is enough, just as he is.
to help him just BE and FEEL and ENJOY...
and not always feel like he has to DO.

there is power in being still.
in getting rid of our To Do lists.
in just BEING.

i have realized that Satan gets me in PLANNING.
i have begun to HEAR his whisper-- he can't get me to DO BAD, so now he tells me to DO MORE.

"Therefore I say unto you, TAKE NO THOUGHT for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.  Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?...
"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; THEY TOIL NOT, neither do they spin:
"And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these....
"Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat: or, What shall we drink: or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed:
"(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:)  for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Matt 6:25-33

This is another one of those cycles I was talking about here...
Plan less, worry less... Be a wise steward, be deliberate...
Again, i find God somewhere in the middle.
I feel Satan in the extremes.

Confession--
i can not come up with a plan for my day.
not one day.
i can't write down a simple order.
get dressed, get kids dressed, read my scriptures, exercise, write a blog, shower, straighten the house, etc., etc.
it's a weirdo, speed bump area for me.
when i plan my day, i end up writing 100 things that i can never do.
and so i trash my paper, or i try really hard and fall short.
JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER.
i can LIVE a day.
i just can't write it down.

BUT.
it's my new goal.
write a day.
keep it simple.
do it.
FEEL JOY.
help my kids write their day.
help them do it.
help them FEEL JOY.

i heard some advice.  (someone said this came from Sister Beck, but I haven't been able to find the source)
they said our day can be divided into THREE parts.
they said NO ONE can be active and good all three parts-- we need down time.
they encouraged us to pick a section of time and use that as our down time.

here is the link..
and the quote-  By Julie Beck

In order to prioritize time wisely, I learned something from my father-in-law years ago. He was a steel-worker and spent his life working three different shifts. He either worked the day shift, the afternoon shift, or the night shift. As a young mother I realized one time that I was working all three shifts, and that’s why I was so tired. We can’t do all things all at once, and we have to be careful and safeguard our shifts. As I have talked to young mothers and mothers with children at home—those with teenagers and young adults especially—they tell me that their most important shift to be at the top of their game, to be the strongest lioness at the gate is the “swing shift.” That’s the afternoon shift. That’s when everyone comes home hungry, tired, needy, and less lovable. It is when you are hungry, tired, needy, and less loveable. It is also the time of day when people are more teachable, when they are most grateful. When we realize and prioritize our time properly, we don’t expect to use all of our strength on the other two shifts so that the afternoon shift can be safeguarded and can be a time of strength and power. We plan for times when the meals are there together, when we can create that home environment and when that family can gather, and you are the strengthening power and force in that family. Remember that influence and power come when we prioritize correctly. If you spend time elsewhere, you don’t have it to give. For other women it might be another time of the day. Some of us have to be on call during the day shift. There are many who need help during the day. Service is needed during the day, but look at and evaluate your life. Ask “Where do I need to prioritize my time?” and “When do I have to be at the top of my game?” I have learned that a good woman with the help of the Lord can usually work two to two and a half shifts. However, no one can work all three shifts. You have to prioritize where you are going to spend your energy.

as mothers, we need to be on in the morning and the night, so afternoon could be our slow time.
(sometimes i'm slow in the afternoons and it does help me to be a better after-school mother)
i thought of my kids... oooo i'm bad.
structured mornings, school, structured nights.
i wondered if i should pick one-- maybe move chores/piano to the morning so they can be completely free in the afternoons.
i thought of my husband... i want him to be OFF in the evenings.
i've NEVER wanted that before.
i've never understood why he couldn't be ON the same as me...
because i haven't taken afternoons OFF.
you see?
i need to slow down and then i can help my family to slow down also.

i need to SLOW DOWN.
we ALL need to SLOW DOWN.
to FEEL more.
to DO less.
i want to be more like my mother in law, more like Christ, more like our prophet, more like Lily (and the lilies of the field).
life is good, and simple, and slow.

if we CHOOSE that.