i hope you dance.

not a great picture of us that was snapped as we were on our way out the door.
(i ended up changing my necklace)

yesterday, todd and i spoke at a stake women's conference.
we spoke with microphone headsets and a power point slideshow in the chapel for two, one hour classes.
it was fun and scary.
afterwords, i felt sick.
as people were thanking us and congratulating us on a job well-done, i felt like i wanted to run home and hide in my bed.
the worst part was, i had just spent two hours testifying about our WORTH as women.
was i struggling with self worth?
i don't think so.
but, i've been dealing with something weird...
and THIS is what i think it is.
{please excuse me while i do some therapy writing}

when i was younger i would attend church dances.
i have very vivid memories of dancing along the sidelines of the church gym with my friends Heidi and Amy.
not just normal, sway back and forth snapping your fingers, type dancing.
full on-- kicking, raising your hands in the air, twirling around, kind of synchronized dancing to the fast songs.
i remember one girl asking me if i was on the dance team.
i remember smiling with pride as i told her no.
and, i felt complimented by her inquiry.
but, that memory has haunted me as i've looked back.
what on earth was i doing?
people must have been looking at us like we were weird folk.
we were weird folk.
for a time, i thought i would like to go back and tell that young girl-- stop dancing weird, just join a circle and try to act like the people around you.

but, just recently i thought about my younger church dancing times with a different perspective.
i was proud of that younger me.
proud that i had the courage to dance.
i would like to say that back then i didn't care what others thought.
but, that isn't true.
the truth was, i didn't even think about it.
i didn't know i was weird.
i never thought about what other people were thinking of me.
once i began to notice other people, i stopped dancing along the side-lines and joined the swaying circles.

for many years i was a sign language interpreter at my church.
i love sign language.
BUT, i could NEVER stand up in front of the congregation and sign a song for the hearing folk.
it's just not me.
i'm very good at understanding what people are talking about and interpreting it for others.
i never really learned enough sign language to do everything the right way.
i never wanted anyone to see me.
i just wanted them to hear through me.
i was a good interpreter because i loved my deaf friends and i loved the lessons being taught at church.
i was blessed to be an agent of understanding and teaching.
BUT
i was never comfortable with the focus on me and how beautiful my signing was.
blah.

when i speak or write blogs, i'm usually focused on the idea that i'm trying to interpret.
usually, i have a testimony inside me that i'm trying to teach or explain.
i have NEVER been someone who has wanted to write an essay and read it to a group of people for special "readings."
i am sloppy with my sentence structure and horrific with my spelling and punctuation.
i was not an English major.
i don't write so people can see my writing and marvel over my alliteration.

yesterday, i spoke from my heart.
to a group of women that i really don't know.
the conference began on Friday night and i walked into this gym full of women i was hit with the feeling of homesickness.
i know people who live near me, but as i looked out over the group as a whole i felt very alone.

i speak like i blog.
i'm very real and very honest.
todd and i are really funny together.
but then later, when people tell me how funny we are i wonder what i said that was funny...
and i hope we weren't too funny-- because our message was not funny.
i think when people hear me speak, they feel like we're old friends.
and, i still feel like i don't know who they are.
i feel a little embarrassed that so many people saw me in my panties (symbolically).
one of the reasons i like blogging is because i can type out my thoughts and then turn off the computer.
except for a few comments, i really don't know who reads what i write or what the think about it.
do you think it's weird that it is easier for me to tell my life stories to people i don't know than to people i can see?
i think it's funny when people ask me if i care that people i don't know read my blog.
i actually PREFER it when people i don't know read my blog.
i would rather be some anonymous voice that is testifying what i know.
what i've learned.  how i see life.
take it or leave it.
it is much, much harder for me to have someone actually see my No Manner's Dinner and make a judgement on me or my family.

many people thanked us for our words... and it was weird to me.
i just realized why...
because, i didn't speak so that people could tell me i speak well.
i spoke so people could feel loved by their Father in Heaven.
so that people could know that this life is good and that it is worth the hard parts.
i hate that sometimes, when i'm interpreting, people see me instead of Him.
for good or bad.
i hate that sometimes my weakness or inexperience distract from the message i feel so strongly.
and i squirm when people tell me that i taught some great idea-- because i know that it wasn't me.
i'm just a pretty funny, not grammatically correct, interpreter.
it's hard being in the spotlight.
harder than i thought.

our keynote speaker was a very gifted musician.
she was amazing... and she sang with her whole soul.
sometimes when she sang, her voice cracked or she would start to cry and have to cough to fix her voice.
but, she kept on singing.
and she sang out loud with her whole voice and her whole heart.
we loved her and her testimony.
another speaker was pregnant and so emotional that she was wiping her nose and taking deep breaths and really struggling with her emotions.
and, we loved those imperfect women.
we felt their testimony and we felt His love through them.

and, even though this blog is all about me (which i hate)
i guess the lesson that i'm learning is this...

sing loud.
dance.
don't be afraid to show people your gifts and your struggles.

let you light so shine that other may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven.

my light is but a little one.
my light of faith and prayer.
but low, it glows like God' great sun, for it was lighted there.
SHINE ON!  SHINE ON!  SHINE ON bright and clear!
Shine on!  Shine on!  the day is near.

today i feel grateful for my small opportunity to shine.
i also feel very aware of how small my light is.
and, i feel grateful for so many of the people who have touched my life...
people who would probably prefer to be snuggled up in bed with a book, but instead taught and shared and testified.
i am who i am because of all that i've learned from other people.
and today, i'm so grateful.
grateful for others-- who aren't afraid to dance.
even when people are looking.
thank you.

ps.
can i tell you how much i have missed blogging?
i have SO many blogs to write spilling in my brain...
and, i have hundreds of pictures to sort through.
my plan is to slow down this week and get back to the basics.
(we've been busy and full these past few weeks.)

better necklace... and more comfortable cuddling with a silly 3 year old than speaking in front of a crowd.  :)

i've missed you.