potty break at a homeless shelter... ticking down the minutes. |
"Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia." Kurt Vonnegut
{from this article here- 8 tips on how to write a great story.}
{do i sound stupid if i admit i haven't read anything that Kurt Vonnegut has written?}
can you tell me how to get... how to get to... |
this is an issue with me.
i often feel like i am different from everyone.
i don't have one person i can write to please.
half of the time i'm not even pleased with what i write.
and, i want to please people. really, i do.
the more i know for sure, the more i understand the exceptions.
i feel like God has taken everything that is the core of my belief and showed me the other side.
so that i will understand.
i have a very hard time with absolutes.
i always feel different. and, i hate feeling different.
not only do i think different from most people-- i open my mouth and tell everyone what i'm thinking.
geesh. if i could just keep my mouth shut.
even in high school i would try to sit through a class and not say a word.
i wanted to be the quiet, cute girl in the corner.
{because you know the shy girls are always beautiful.}
i couldn't not speak up.
(todd hates that i use double negatives all the time- but, that double negative wasn't for him... it was for me. and, it works better. i had to speak up, is a true statement. but, i couldn't NOT speak up is more true. hah.)
it's like my opinions burn inside me until i share them.
and, because i don't keep my mouth shut, there is always someone disagreeing with me.
in an honors history class, at BYU, my professor referred to me as "Nifer" (from Jen-nifer).
he would always laugh at my comments saying that i was alone on my soap box of idealism preaching a reality that could not ever be. (i did get a 100% on my final.)
i often feel alone on my soap box.
at my core i am a peacemaker.
the infamous VOODOO doughnuts!! |
my husband loves me because i expand him.
we are unified-- but we are very different.
because i was raised in a family that to me looks quite dysfunctional.
i challenge everything that people tell me.
i don't have an innate sense of the way it is... i have an innate desire to figure out what is.
what i believe, i believe because i have learned for myself.
i absolutely hate feeling different.
i am so sick of being the "devil's advocate."
i just want to be the girl next door... the normal one.
but, i am not neutral... i am hot and cold.
in a way, i think everyone feels like they are different.
we are all different, unique, individual.
and, that is a good thing.
sometimes i isolate myself.
i tend to keep myself in a box labeled "mormon" or "convert" or "crazy lady with 7 kids" or "troubled childhood"...
i wonder why i need these boxes?
what am i getting from keeping myself different?
oh, the choices!! |
even as we are different-- we are the same.
we are all brothers and sisters.
we all have a journey.
we are all learning.
we have all learned different things.
and, we are all lovable.
usually the line is down the street-- thankfully, it was a rainy day so we just had an indoor line... |
sometimes i just look at someone and see what their husband or wife sees in them.
i just love them so much.
it is especially easy for me to love other people's kids... especially the rotten ones.
i just watch these little ones trying to figure life out and i just expand with love for them and i HOPE for them.
mmm. VooDoo-licious. can you see todd's maple/bacon bar? i got a plain crueller-- i'm plain like that. |
i wish i was better at explaining my point of view without wanting to scream-- i'm smart and i really believe this so stop acting like i'm just a blind, deceived, follower.
and why do i let the hundreds of compliments i receive glide right by me and let the few criticisms i receive hang around like speed bumps in my head?
the coolest thing about voodoo doughnuts was the box. seriously. unless you get a kick out of Captain Crunch doughnuts? |
this is my thing.
it has always been.
i am a transitional person.
someone who will live what i know independent of my circumstances.
even when it's not easy.
even when it's lonely.
or pink sprinkles... we do love some pink sprinkles. |
we each have a unique role to play upon the earth.
and, if we were each to completely fill our mission-- we would all be a peculiar people.
mediocrity looks similar... greatness looks unique.
i don't want to open my window and make love to the world.
i want to open my window and shine for the world.
i want to write to please one person.
is it weird for me to think... to really believe that on the days when i look in the mirror and wonder who i am, God sees me and knows exactly who i have always been and who i am becoming.
He is my one person.
and He made me different.
i suppose i should just buckle down and be grateful.
i am weird.
you love me weird, right?!
3 comments:
I not only love you, I adore you! You are smart and witty and tolerant and decisive and insightful and courageous and loving and kind and laugh-out-loud funny... but if you want to roll that all into one word and call it "weird"... then YES! I love you weird! :-)
I don't think you're weird. You're you, and I'm so glad I've gotten to know you the last few months!
I think you're weird (*wink*), and I love you anyway - cuz so am I! :)
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