the ideal homemaker- part three {ATTITUDE}

you can read the ideal homemaker- part one {consistency} here.
you can read the ideal homemaker- part two {hard work} here.
and this is part three... {ATTITUDE!}

if you have read the Bible, you have wondered over this scripture.
Matthew 11:27-30  where Christ says,
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light".

A-MA-ZING!!
Christ-- the Savior of all mankind tells us that HIS yoke is EASY, His burden in LIGHT.

is your burden light?

my mother taught me how to clean.
she is very organized, very clean, very meticulous.
we had white carpets and white walls and a perfectly manicured yard.
we worked hard.
when i got married, i didn't struggle to know HOW to clean...
i struggled MENTALLY with keeping house.
i still say-- housework is 98% mental and 2% physical.
i completely believe this is true.

my standards of good enough were very high.
in fact, i was never good enough.
housework was a HEAVY burden that i carried.
i really didn't have a problem cleaning my house--
i had a problem feeling like a failure every time my house needed to be cleaned.
seriously.
it was bad.
my dirty house was a sign that i was a failure.
i was wracked with GUILT.
the tasks were heavy.
i spent years thinking that if i were doing it "right"...
i could get my house organized enough.
i could plan ahead enough.
i could work hard enough...
if i was doing it "right" my house would never be a mess.
if my husband helped more, if my kids were taught to be responsible, if i got up earlier...
then i wouldn't be a failure every day.
my goal has been to get it clean so that i could stop cleaning it.
imagine my AHA moment when i realized "clean" and "organized" is NOT a destination.
it is a LIFESTYLE.
it is what you DO, how you LIVE, who you ARE.
you do not achieve CLEAN so that you can move on to more important things.
you become clean and organized as you spend your time cleaning and organizing.

-- when my first child, jakob, was under three years old, i remember telling him to clean his room.
his floor was covered with toys.  i was a young mother continually overwhelmed with my home and quickly growing family.  after yelling at him all morning to clean up (while i helped the younger children), i entered his room with exhaustion and a black trash bag.  i explained to him that i was going to give all of his toys away.  that because he wasn't cleaning up i was going to give his toys to another boy that didn't have any toys.
he was sitting on is bed with his long-ish blond hair and his big green eyes.
He quietly asked, "Why does that little boy not have any toys?"
i yelled back at him, "Because!  Because he doesn't have a nice mother like yours to buy him nice toys.  And you can't even clean them up!"
i continued dumping all the toys on the floor into my giant trash bag.
jakob got off his bed and went to his shelf.
on the top shelf was his very favorite toy, a plastic bull with long horns.  he handed the bull to me and said, "Mom, do you think that little boy would like this bull?"
i looked at him, sunk to the floor, and i cried.
this child did NOT need to learn to be more responsible.
i did.
he was saintly.
i was humbled.
Note::  jakob is 13 now.
EVERY DAY i am amazed at his natural order, self discipline and organization.
his room is cleaner than mine.  his backpack is precisely organized.  he loves office supplies.
my second child used to be very messy-- he is 11 now and almost as clean and organized as his brother.
they amaze me.  {my girls are still growing into this-- hah!}

the truth is...
my house has ALWAYS been clean enough.
my struggle has always been mental.

i am an observer.
i have noticed families where the mother works hard and children just naturally pitch in.
i have also noticed families where the mother works hard and continually argues with the children that they are not doing enough.
i have noticed in my family that when i argue with my kids about housework, they argue with each other.
i'm saying "get the dishes done."  they're saying "she needs to empty the dishwasher."  he's saying, "I emptied it yesterday it's her turn."  blah, blah, blah.
the dishes could have been done in the time that we've spent fighting over the dishes.
(yes, some of this is normal in a family.  i'm not talking about normal squabbling, i'm talking about the feeling of heaviness that comes from extended contention.)

i have heard myself use these phrases...
"Am i your SLAVE??"
"Do you expect me to spend my whole life cleaning this house."
"All I do is clean up after you, cook your meals, wash your clothes..."
"Nobody even appreciates me."

again i will say, some of this is normal life... but, i'm not talking about normal life.
i'm talking about "my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

i've said this before...
my mother in law has come to my home often after the birth of my children or as we were moving.
she has a way of coming into my life and making it feel light.
she takes quiet walks with my children, she folds my laundry as the buzzer beeps, she just heads to the sink after a meal is done- no matter whose chore it is.
my kitchen is clean, and it feels easy and light.

i don't believe that ideal homemakers just have homes that are clean.
i believe ideal homemakers have homes that FEEL peaceful, easy and light.
i believe that as we serve in our home, happily, gratefully, with our heart full of love...
we will be filled with charity.
we won't feel that homework is a burden and we will teach our children to work by our joyful examples.

i loved this comment on my last ideal homemaker post... by The Wife.

I think often about teaching our kids the value of work. I came across this quote in the Dec. 2009 Ensign by Bishop H. David Burton (and promptly posted it on our fridge as a reminder to me and my husband):
One of parents’ most important responsibilities is to teach their children to work. Even young children can begin to experience the benefits of working when they are involved in household chores and in service to others. Wise parents will work alongside their children, will provide frequent praise, and will make sure no task is overwhelming.


although i struggle with many aspects of homemaking...
(oh, i am naturally a lazy soul.)
i think i'm best at recognizing when the FEELING of my home isn't right... and fixing that.
i have always felt that LOVING is more important than TEACHING.
teaching is SO important!!  but, loving is more important.
i think this about homosexuals.
i think this about lazy kids.
i think this about rebellious kids.
i think this about struggling parents.
(i wish i was better at practicing what i know to be true.)
this is true of housework too...

Parents feel a strong responsibility to teach their children.
it is SO easy to justify our EVIL behavior because we do it with holy intentions.
i have actually heard myself yelling at my children, "WILL YOU JUST TALK NICELY!!."
we stopped and laughed at that one.
"don't hit your sister!"  as i spank them on the bum.

i have learned...
"When we're HELPING we're HAPPY" is best taught by someone who is HELPING HAPPILY!!!

you have heard it said, Children should hear 10 positives to 1 negative.
pick housework.
evaluate YOUR words about cleaning, organizing, working, washing...
10 positives to 1 negative?
do you wonder why your kids complain when you ask them to help?

the truth is-- KIDS LOVE HOUSEWORK!!!
it is natural to them.
they LOVE helping.
they want to wash dishes, toilets, floors, windows, tables and chairs...
they want to fold laundry.
is anything better than planting a garden and playing in the dirt?
there is no toy on earth that can compete with Windex and a roll of paper towels.
the vacuum is almost as fun to play as Hula Hooping WII fit.
cooking is one of the most naturally bonding, intrinsically rewarding activities on earth.
grocery shopping is better than preschool for teaching numbers and colors and letters and counting... 5 apples, 10 bananas... find the red box of cream of wheat... say hello to the sweet grandma.
sorting-- kids LOVE to sort.  sorting a toy or game closet or having them help pair socks can teach them as much about matching as any purchased matching game.

kids come to us thinking that cleaning is great--  we teach them that work isn't fun.
we ruin them by our attitudes and our examples.
and then, we spend the next 10 years yelling at them because of their attitudes.

having a mentally healthy home is more important than having a clean home.
teaching your children JOY is more important than teaching them responsibility.
teaching your children HOW to enjoy hard work is more important than teaching your children HOW to properly clean a toilet.
having a good attitude about housework is harder than knowing how to clean.
but, it is possible and it is worth it!

So, how do you FIX things?
when your house is messy-- clean it!
when you begin to feel frustrated with those around you who are making it messy, or not helping, take your frustration to God and your love to your family.
serve more.
if you feel that your family isn't doing enough... find ONE THING that they are doing right and THANK THEM.
turn on happy music while you clean.
wear a cute apron.
think of the little red hen-- and just keep baking your bread.
think of tom sawyer and pretend like you LOVE cleaning floors... watch for people to flock around you.
tell yourself that even if your kids are not learning how to clean today-- they will learn to like a clean house because you keep it clean.
they will become comfortable in a clean home and as they grow up they will seek that in their own lives.
remind yourself-- actions speak louder than words.
show your sermons... live your lectures... be the responsible person you want your children to be.
praise their efforts!

i can feel when my home is full of tension... when it feels heavy... when i am nagging my children or husband, and they are nagging each other.Having seen an EXTREME lifestyle, i can notice this trend in my more mild household.
i almost ALWAYS feel justified in my bad attitude because i am trying to teach THEM something.
yes, Christ was talking to ME when he described someone squinting at a splinter in someone else's eye when you have a BEAM in your own.
i have tried to pull out many splinters unable to see past my own beams.
i have come to KNOW... my children ARE hard workers.
they really are.
the most important thing i can teach as a mother is a healthy ATTITUDE.
it is better to have a KIND, PEACEFUL mess of a home than a contentious, clean home.
100%.
if you have to choose-- choose LOVE over responsibility.

but, IT IS POSSIBLE to have a kind, peaceful, happy, loving home that is also neat and tidy.
the BEST homes are clean physically AND mentally.
the most IDEAL homemakers are those who serve happily and willingly.
the tom sawyer housewives that make whitewashing the fence something that people will pay to do!

i am a natural tom sawyer mother.
i adore children and my kids want "72 more sisters".
i want to be better at being a tom sawyer homemaker.
you can NOT teach Godly principles the Devil's way.

In Mark 10:43 Christ taught,
"whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister:
"And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.
"For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many."

My four oldest children (2 boys, 2 girls) take piano lessons, they have for the past 4 years.
They all practice at least 30 minutes every day.
I rarely need to remind them and they rarely complain.
The love the piano and they are really good at it.
They have always been blessed with really great teachers.
Honestly, I think they all love the piano because I love the piano.
I don't know how to play-- so i have never been critical of any "wrong" practicing.
Every time they sit on that bench I feel like a good mother.
I praise them often and honestly for all that they are achieving musically.
I am awed and humbled by their musical talents.
Honestly, i don't even know if they really are good-- but they are better than me and I think they are amazing.
I think piano FEELS happy and light to them.
I have taught my children the FEELING of piano... they practice skill on their own.

Creating a house of order is a process.
We can practice our homemaking skills while our children are young.
i imagine that when our children are grown we will be able to really see the magic of a clean room that stays clean for days.
clean will come with time.
and how lonely we will be if we find ourselves in a clean home with no lasting relationships.

it is good to work towards consistency.
it is good to work hard every day.
it is good to WANT a clean house.
it is good to practice being a good homemaker.
it is good to purge and reorganize and set goals for improvement.
but nothing is more important than the relationships you have.
clean is optional.
examples speak louder than words.
when we're helping we're happy!!

no matter how clean your house is you will never be an ideal homemaker if you don't learn to create love at home.

as a mother, my greatest role is PEACEMAKER.
the shine on the faces of my family is more important than the shine of my sink.
i make peace as i order my home.
i make peace as i cook meals.
i make peace as i love my children.
i make peace as i place a band aid on a skinned knee.
i make peace as i laugh at my husband and let him become on his own timetable.
i make peace as i serve joyfully.
my family FEELs me. they radiate what i emanate.

i have reclaimed peace in my home by eliminating chores and focusing less on me teaching them responsibility and more on ME serving more.
you can read my blog about it here and here.
today, my children actually do MORE around the house than they did when they had chores.
and, i am continually grateful for them.
i had already taught them to work hard.
i just needed to SHOW them that working hard wasn't too hard.

so many people talk about children of today...
how they are lazy, how they are unclean, how they spend too much time on tv...
we need to teach them responsibility and hard work ethic.
yes!! i agree.
but, i have noticed something else about children of today...
children of today grow up to be adults...
adults that are perfectionists.
adults that are DEPRESSED.
adults that need alcohol or energy drinks to feel "enough".
as i see it, we are doing a better job teaching children to be COMPETENT than we are teaching them to be HEALTHY.
the feeling of our home is so important.
when i'm helping i'm happy, and i sing as i go, and i like to help my children... for i love them so!!

i love being a mom.
i am grateful that God is teaching me every day.
As i take His yoke upon me, my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
my home is full of love and joy.
we have a quote by our front door that says,

"A true Mormon home is one in which, if Christ should chance to enter, he would be pleased to linger and to rest."  David O. McKay

i have a hunch that Christ has often lingered in my home on days when my floor was strewn with toys, the dog food was getting soggy in the water bowl, and my toilet paper was in an unrolled heap on the bathroom floor.
i also know that Christ has lingered with us as we've cleaned the kitchen together laughing over the days events.
Christ cares more about our hearts than our sinks.
i know it.


maybe the reason that i LOVE the donna reed propaganda is that the homemakers are always SMILING!
i love that.
i want to be like that!!
every day i feel SO BLESSED to be at home with my children.
i am grateful for dirty dishes-- for we have had good food to eat.
i am grateful for laundry-- for we have clothes to wear.
i am grateful for toddler messes-- for my children are healthy and active.
i am grateful for sticky doorknobs and fingerprints on my windows-- these things will end.
i am grateful for busy schedules-- my life is full of goodness.
i am grateful that at the end of my day i am tired-- i have many to love.
i am grateful for a car that collects McDonald wrappers, Sunday shoes, and my little ponies-- i never dreamed of limos.
i am so blessed.
i should clean with a smile on my face!!
i want my children to clean with a smile on their face too...

this is me.
in the morning.
with my daily to do list...
it says, "Clean the house again."
and, i'm LOVING it.

we're getting there!!
life is good.