Safe for TADPOLES.

i wrote a LONG post about dealing with contention at home.
i'm going to still publish it, in case you want to spend 40 minutes reading my blog today.
ha!
if not, here is the condensed version...

i LOVE this list... and the rhymes.

1. Safe for tadpoles-- 
i realized that i wasn't protecting my little kids enough from the wrath of the big kids.
(this sentence sounds harsher than i mean it too.  good kids, bad habits.)
i noticed that the big kids were being very critical of my younger kids.
they were teasing too much.
honestly, i was sad when i imagined how hard it would be to be the little sister who was never fast enough in the morning and the brunt of all jokes in the afternoon.
i also noticed that my bigger kids were afraid of being hurt (even from fooling around play), and so they quickly responded with physical harshness.
i was concerned.
somehow, because the little ones really were slow and silly, i had been spending my time helping and teaching the younger kids instead of protecting them from their older siblings.
and, i really do think that some rough play is fine, so i let it get too intense without setting limits.
i began pulling my kids aside, one by one, and explaining my concern.
i asked them if they were so mean to kids at their school who did things wrong, like forgot to do their homework?
i asked if they would be rude to a little sister who was slow because she only had one arm.
would it be funny to tease her?
NO.
emotional immaturity might not be as easy to see, but it was still a missing arm.
an arm that would grow with time.
i reminded my good-intentioned older children that, as perfect as they are now, they were young once too.
i said, this house is a safe place for tadpoles.
we are all still learning and this house is a safe place for learning.
if i notice my bigger kids getting upset i just smile and say, she's still a tadpole.
it has changed the feel of my home.

this was a mix of what can i do better next time and what i love about you...
my favorite is "good penmanship" and "Not shove the iPad in your face."

2. Kind ACTS--
sibling contention is normal.
especially when you have a lot of children.
BUT, it is not best.
i noticed that my kids are VERY KIND to the kids at school and not so kind at home.
they are more kind to their friends than they are to their siblings.
normal, but not great.
they needed a reason to hold their tongue.
they control their temper at school because they are scared of detention or the principal.
so-- i started giving them consequences when they behaved unkindly.
when they hurt with their hands, even if it is a game that gets rough, i have them do push-ups 20 or 30.
if they say unkind words to their siblings, i have them write 20 kind things about that sibling.
Young kids, who can't write yet, have to draw pictures.
SOO cute!
i might not be able to erase the mean stuff they say, but i can weaken it with some positives.

this was jakob's second attempt at an apology list for anna.
(his first list was the scout motto... loyal, brave, trust worthy, kind, hungry, etc.)
i think it's darling how meaningful a list of simple words can be.

i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these lists.
(i had a hard time finding lists to take pictures of because my kids really love them.  they hide them away in their special places to read over and over again.)
they have made a HUGE difference in my home.
not only do my kids have to take the time to make their wrong choice right, they can FEEL the happiness that their words have on their sibling.
there is power in positive words.
i used to have them do a service for the offended sibling.
this is a good idea, but it is harder to enforce.

even the BEST of families have waves of contention.
as mothers we just need to be aware of the slippery slope and help the kids climb back to safe ground quickly before contention takes over.
our homes can be happy and holy.
i know it.
my house FEELS kind again after a few simple changes.
this, and the hokey pokey, is what it's all about!!
(ha!  even my condensed version is a bit wordy...)