He loves me!

love is not like picking the leaves of a daisy...
he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
love is a CHOICE.
Faith is acting without always seeing.
Faith is BELIEVING that He loves me, even when I can't see the end of the story.


i LOVE indiana jones' leap of faith in Indiana Jones and The Search for the Holy Grail.
He is standing at the cliff, looking over and he has to step in FAITH.
"you  must believe boy, you must believe!!"

Yes, God is real.
Yes, He tells us to PROVE Him.
But just because He is real and just because we can prove Him, doesn't mean that we should doubt Him the second His answer doesn't come on our timetable.
Sometimes, God doesn't answer because He wants us to LEARN-- to study it out-- to grow.
I love my children always, and sometimes i let them FALL because i know it is important for them to learn to get back up without me.
Truthfully, they are NEVER without me-- and truthfully, we are NEVER without Him.

i was mad at God this week.
He turned my heart and helped me to WANT something i was perfectly fine not having.
And then, we didn't get what I wanted.
twice.
what have i learned?
Having faith in God means having Faith in HIS TIMING!!
He does love me.  He does answer my prayers.
I know Him and hear His voice even if things don't always work out the way i think they should.

i have a young friend who went into the woods to pray.
He did NOT feel that his prayers were answered.
He is doubting God.
i want to tell him to HOLD ON!!
don't doubt yet.
have faith!
because, i KNOW God IS real.  I know that He does answer prayers.
And, i know that sometimes the process of finding Him is JUST AS essential to our eternal progression as our eventual knowing.
does that make sense?
"you must believe boy, you must believe!"

read the scriptures...  they are FULL of waiting periods.
they are FULL of prophecies that people interpret one way and really come to pass in a completely different way.

Jews are still waiting for their Messiah who will come and deliver them from captivity.
Christ did come, as a gentle TEACHER.
He did deliver them, even if He looked different than they thought He would.
And, he will come to rule and reign someday.
But that is His second coming, not His first.

Abraham was promised he would be the Father of Nations.
And poor Sariah didn't get pregnant till she was 90!
90 years of waiting... and then God still asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
ha!  my timing issues have to do with months-- not years.
i think i can get over it.

i've told you before of the time i doubted God most.
i was a young mother in desperate need of PATIENCE.
i was loosing my temper with my children and i knew I was wrong.
i prayed with my whole soul that God would make me patient.
i needed Him to change my heart so that i could love my children better.
it was a good thing i was desiring...
i remember standing outside the bedroom door of my boys' bedroom being filled with rage.
i remember praying that God would change my heart and fill me with love.
sometimes i felt Him near me.
sometimes i did NOT.
i began to doubt Him.
I was angry that He wasn't changing me as fast as i needed Him to change me.
i was convinced that i was ruining my kids as i was struggling to improve and also convinced that if God was a real God, He could change me miraculously into a more patient, kind mother.
you can laugh at my reasoning now, but it was not funny.
i believe that the greatest miracle God can do is changing our hearts and i couldn't FEEL Him changing mine.
i felt forsaken and my testimony was shaken.
i'm not certain what got me through that time.
hope?  faith?  the regular passage of time?
after YEARS of struggle- with very few miraculous patience-zapping moments, i noticed that MANY people would comment on how patient i was.
my natural reaction was to laugh off their compliments... but they started to sink in and i realized I AM THAT PERSON THAT I PRAYED GOD WOULD MAKE ME.
He DID answer my prayers.  He DID teach me how.  He did SAVE my children and help me to bless them.
He loved me then, and He loves me still.
But, PATIENCE takes time to develop.
Perhaps, those days of complete frustration and struggle WERE my answered prayers.
I needed those days to learn to LET GO!!
He could not turn my water into wine until i gave Him my buckets of water!!
He could not multiply my fishes and loaves if I was busily cutting them into smaller pieces trying to make them enough.
i had to learn to give my loaves to HIM, completely.
and then, He multiplied them and made them enough.
My prayers were NOT answered in my way.  But they were answered in a better way.
I may have FELT alone, but i was not.
We are NEVER alone.
And, because He let me struggle, I can relate to millions and trillions of young mothers who struggle.
i am grateful for HIS timing and HIS way.

I'm not done praying.
I may not loose my temper when my little ones don't want to take a nap...
but, i have found the next rough spot of my soul.
I am always seeking and refining and becoming...
and, He is always changing me and helping me and teaching me.
This is HIS way.
He LOVES me.

and, i have to say one more thing.
i may not always feel God's love for me (i think this has more to do with me than Him).
I am one who sees my weakness very clearly and they sometimes blind me from feeling His love.
BUT, BUT i have figured out how to FEEL His love for me, a different way.
i can ALWAYS look around and SEE all that He has blessed us with.
i KNOW i am blessed when i see the beauty of my life.
He loves me because he fills my life with beauty and goodness.

Take a moment.
Forget the thing you are wanting.  Forget your striving.
Forget to look ahead at what you want to BECOME...
and just SEE!!
really BEHOLD your life!
SEE the goodness all around you!
BE grateful for the beauty of your life.
Be grateful for YESTERDAY's answered prayers.
they are MANY.
i can always FEEL God's love when i sit and SEE.

As Auntie Mame says, "Life is a banquet and most damned fools are starving to death."
EAT all that is on your plate today, and be filled with joy and gratitude.
Don't worry if tomorrow's manna is going to show up.  IT WILL!!

I know God lives.
I know He loves me and He loves you.
Prove Him-- He is real and He answers prayers.
But, also have FAITH in His timing.
Because His ways are not our ways-- His plan is long-term!!
i know it.