June 30, 2013

Sunday Morning.

Today my husband and mother in law flew out to New York to find our future home. My prayers travel with them and my instructions- please find me a beautiful home.  I love living somewhere that every morning I can look out my deck and feel surrounded by God's love because it is so beautiful here.  Oh how I wish I could be with them.

I walked past a pile of blocks on the floor and ached to be able to bend over and pick them up real fast.

I dropped a glass bowl and it shattered.  It's tricky trying to maneuver kitchen rugs, my walker, and a bowl for the homemade mac n cheese I was trying to sneak while my mom was putting eve down for a nap. I had to walk away and leave the mess for my mom to clean up.

She serves me constantly with a smile.  I can't think of a better caretaker.  Seriously, my mom takes 24 hour really great care of me.  My soul is grateful for everyone who helps me on a daily, hourly basis.  

I have 3 things I'm still working on...

1. My stomach wound-- it is open and is getting better, but is still pretty sluff filled. I think it will take at least a month to heal.  I pray daily for my belly.

2. My aching legs/blood clots- my legs feel like they have tourniquets wrapped around them with tiny tourniquets around my toes.  Although my feet are not that swollen anymore, they are hurting numb and it feels like I'm walking on super swollen feet.  Weird.  Jakob and my nurse Adrienne are the only two people that can take away the pain by their massage.  Hopefully this pain will go away as my feet continue to heal.  There is a chance, however, that the pain may linger.  Blah.

Part of the pain is from the arteries that they had to cauterize and part is the blood clots that I have.  The main reason I couldn't fly to NY this week was blood clot related. 

 I still have a filter in a vein near my heart that needs to be removed in the next five weeks.  I am completely dreading that procedure-- as in I'm absolutely terrified out of my mind if I think about it... So I try not to think about it.  Sigh.  I do not love blood clots.

3. My bladder- oh sweet, tiny bladder of mine.  My bladder is the size of a baby's. It has fistulas coming off the top that we  are hoping will heal on their own if given another month of rest.  

I'm having major catheter issues- as in my catheters aren't working so my bladder is getting too full and spasming.  I have urine everywhere half of the time.  We don't really know why, it could be the new shape of my bladder has pockets where urine can hide out away from the catheter?  It could be a user malfunction- like I'm kinking the line somewhere.  Or, there could be something wrong.  I'm on antibiotics for a bladder infection.  

My bladder worries me.  I do know that I will have long-term bladder issues.  Just don't know exactly what those will be.
(Ben is tiny-- smaller than he looks in pictures.  He is a doll baby.)

I guess I let myself write this long list of problems because I KNOW that these trials are temporary.
Today-- I'm a bit stressed about finding a great house in NY and learning to walk again without pain.
But, these won't always be my issues.
God will bless us, my body will heal and time will make things better.
Next week I'll have different issues and still, life will be good.

Today I hurt.  I cried a bit this morning, frustrated.
But, my good outweighs the bad.
Little Ben was due for a poopy diaper.  He was gassy and just needed to be held last night.  Guess what?!  I can hold a baby!  I can swaddle him and cuddle him and spend all day in my chair lovin my little guy.

I'm a bit useless when it comes to picking up blocks or cleaning up dinner, but I'm a great match for a tiny preemie who needs a little bit of love.  Being able to mother makes all my aches and pains inconsequential.   Oh how I LOVE being a mother.

Hope you're enjoying your Sunday.
Life is good.
(Sweet baby not quite done with his dinner...)
I love being a mom!
And, I loved these...


Rebekah said...

We all love Ben's hair!
He is so sweet.

We will continue to pray for your legs and your belly.

There truly are so many good things to come, Jen.

Tiffany said...

I love your little guy! He is darling--that pic of his hand on yours is superlative!

Sorry about your problems, but I'm loving your perspective. I especially love that you daily "choose" to have that perspective. (You are the taking the "choose" in CTR to a whole new level :-))

And hooray for high-resolution pics!!!! I love seeing every little detail on sweet Ben.

Tiffany said...

P.S. Just watched the 2 video links, too--LOVE them!

Allie said...

I want all sorts of good things to come your way! I know they will!

Jen said...

Hey Jennifer,

It's me Jennifer Ringwald, we met at Ines Erickson's house earlier this year. I started following your blog recently and have been praying for your healing. I wish you guys the best of luck on your next adventure in New York. Your family will be missed.

I also have a blog at www.toourlittlegirl.blogspot.com
mostly just pictures but sometimes I write a little. You have a natural talent for writing don't ever stop!

beckyjune said...

He is a beautiful boy, jen, and you continue to inspire me with your faith and courage in the face of trial. I am not sure how I missed that you guys are moving to NY? Is this new? Maybe I missed it because of all of the talk of your pregnancy, etc. I am sure Todd will find a wonderful place for you to live and another place will be blessed by your family. What a blessing you were here in Lubbock.

The Wife said...

As I read this entry my thought was that you are being FORCED to enjoy this sweet little boy that will be your last. :) Most mothers with a house already full of happy, healthy, (rambunctious!) children don't take the chance (or have the time) to really love and cuddle the new little one.
All 3 of my kids have been delivered via c-section and while I won't pretend to know the extent of what you are going through, I can empathize with being totally dependent on others.
Hang in there and keep enjoying that sweet little Benjamin - he is a doll!!

Corine said...

*sniffle *sniffle - for you and me both! Me, simply because this was so touching and somehow just what I needed to hear. Sometimes challenges can't be expressed! The videos were my needed scripture. Thank you.

Sending prayers your way...

Lindsey said...

I hope Todd and his mom find you a home that makes you feel surrounded by peace and beauty. I hope the pain in your legs diminishes. I love that Jakob has the touch to help you with that. I hope your bladder issues end up being small. And most of all, I hope you continue to have the faith and determination to keep going through this so beautifully, one day at a time! You're our hero, Jen. We are still sending prayers.

Melanie said...

Thinking of you. Hoping and praying for continued healing.

Joy said...

On sunday we sang this song- it reminded me of you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A
It's Gonna be Worth it- by rita something.

Hope things are better today.

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