belly wounds:: healing from the inside out.

Warning:::  This post has very graphic pictures.  

Please be careful if you are reading this blog with young children around.

Really.

I'm showing you some pretty REAL pictures so be careful.

Sorry if I shouldn't be posting them.

I have skin that heals well.
7 kids and no stretch marks.
This major surgery has given me some pretty intense scars.
My closest friends and relatives are most interested in my tummy scar.
And, since you are my second closest friends... I'll share it with you.
It looks like I have a bum on my tummy.
Lovely.

The whole time I was preparing for my surgery I wanted to see someone else's scar so I knew what to expect.
I did have two c-sections prior to this surgery and one other surgery on my intestines.  All three of those were horizontal incisions and when they healed you couldn't even see them.
This scar is bad because they had to cut vertically and because I was open for three days and because they had to remove my wound vac and let me heal from the inside out (due to infection).
This is a pretty great looking, very intense scar.  I am scarred and ALIVE.

I remember the resident using a ruler to mark a straight line down my abdomen.

I'm grateful for them every time I see my scar.
It is so neat how the human body works to heal itself.
Don't look at this if it will gross you out... It's pretty tough to see.

I am humble.  I think my scar is awful.  Awful and amazing at the same time.  I feel humbled and so grateful and a little bit scared when I see it.  It is harder for me to see than it should be.  I hope that once things are cleaned out on the inside, I won't be so afraid of the outside.

Today, my scar is doing weird things around my belly button and I'm afraid I might have a hernia.
I don't really know what a hernia is.  :)

[update-- I really do have a hernia at my belly button.  Blah.  They are going to fix it when they fix my kidney.  So fun!]

Seriously, I know these are gross and getting grosser.

You really do not want to see these pictures, even if you think you do.
If you think of me as a turkey they are not as hard to look at.  :)
I honestly felt like a stuffed thanksgiving turkey.

My belly looks speckled around the edges of my scar.  That is from the big stitches they put in to pull my stomach as closed as they could get it while they were waiting to do more surgery.
You also should know that in these pictures, the inside layers of my abdomen are stitched up, just the outside layers are open.
They let me heal from the inside out (meaning they didn't stitch me closed) because they didn't want infection puss pockets to form.
I know it sounds odd... and it was pretty gross... but, I guess that is how they do it sometimes.

At the hospital.
With the wound vac, literally they filled me with sponges and attached a machine that vacuumed my wound closed-

see that TAPE?!!!
They had to change the sponges in my belly DAILY.
Tearing off that tape was TORTURE.
just saying.

In this picture you can see the drain they had in me to drain out the stuff in my abdomen.
I know you always wanted to see a belly drain.

In the hospital, when they had to remove the wound vac (because it kept getting infected)-

The first day my home health care nurse came (1 month after my surgery) and the last day she was with me (about 2 and a half months after my surgery)...

This is a before/after shot... the after on the left shows some stuff that isn't good.
The inside was healing too much (can you see the puffy red parts?) so they had to cauterize the red parts again to slow down that extra growth.

The black thing is a vein that they cauterized.
The yellowish stuff is dead skin that they would have to scrape off or use special ointment on.
blah.

About 3 months after my surgery...

 Lovely pictures for your day.
I am really grateful for my body.
Bodies are a gift from God.  They are amazing.
I don't love my scar, but I am grateful for it.
I'm proud of my scars and I'm proud of my life.
And... I would choose this again.
Because my littlest baby is worth a tummy scar.

 Have a great day!!
Perhaps now you are in the mood for a turkey sandwich?  :)

Conference Weekend

 

 

(sorry-- my time is up, so you just get random pictures from my phone dumped at the top of this post.)

This morning I recovered from my weekend with a smile on my face.
Little reminders of life lived well are sprinkled around my yard and home.
These are the days that I am so grateful to live.

My brother and sister in law, and their six kids (I still count their angel baby in their kid total, is that weird of me?) drove to our house for the weekend.
It was so fun to visit with them.

As my kids left for school this morning, I wiped sticky handprints off the wall in the downstairs bathroom.
I smiled at the growing pile of wet, muddy shoes on the back porch. 
I grabbed a fork off the picnic table out back, sitting next to an abandoned scoop of bean salsa.
I walked out front and threw a strategically gathered pile of sticks off the rocking chair, back into the yard.  I dumped sorted cups full of red blossoms, small yellow leaves, and some kind of green buds back into the garden (bringing the plastic bowls in to be washed).
I noticed that the grass under our swings is starting to wear thin as more and more kids play on our swing set.
In front of the barn, I smiled at the tarp covering the newly poured cement for our upcoming basketball standard. 

In the basement, we fixed the wire closet shelf that bent down as a growing cousin learned how not to get the Legos.
I moved the picture poster "Let what you love be what you do" that got stepped on and broken as my now teenage boys, who used to be little boys, played a pretty intense game of ping pong.

My fridge is full of leftovers.  Grandma's homemade chicken noodle soup that we serve over mashed potatoes, lots of taco salad stuff, chili chocolate, fun cheeses from Wegeman's, and a medley of fruits a vegetables from Aunt Rebekah's efforts to juice me into good health.

As Monday morning laundry commenced, Grandma called Grandpa to have him look up "grass stains" in her Queen of Clean book.  Rubbing alcohol, lemon juice and Zout may become a staple in our new house.

My children are active and it takes some effort to get them to sit and listen to church all weekend.  I smile at the taped picture of the general authorities still hanging from where Uncle David promised a tootsie roll to the first cousin to find the speaker.

Words are taped to my TV armoire from Saturday's bag of snacks that were only supposed to be eaten when one heard a key word- scriptures, friend, trials, Amen, mission, prayer or spaghetti.
Clipboards are piled on my counter with notes taken on Sunday for a between session game of "Stump the Unc".  Kids asked questions from conference and if their uncles couldn't answer them they got candy. 

I laugh again at Ellie's questions...
How was Elder Scott's hair parted?  Answer: Only about an inch over his ear and then combed way over.  And, Who was speaking when I ate a gogurt?  Elder Eyring.

I love conference weekend.
I am grateful to be alive for these days.

Every six months, Mormon's around the world listen to prophets, apostles, and church leaders who telecast talks for a General Conference.

Every six months I am reminded that I know God speaks to man.  I know God speaks to man, because as I listen to the words of inspired men and women, I am inspired.  God speaks to me and gives me hope and inspiration.  He teaches me how to teach my children, He fills my soul with love and peace, and He shows me how blessed I am.

I know that we have a prophet on the earth today.  The men and women who lead in my church, they are good people.  I hear them encouraging me and my family to do good, to be better, and to remember the Savior. 

I believe that the covenants that I have made as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints strengthen and protect me and my family.  I believe in holy covenants, like baptism and marriage.  There is power in lives blessed by holy commitments.

After conference, after dinner, after cousins were kissed and sent on their way and before bedtime, Todd and I escaped (amidst a crowd of anxious, waving and yelling of "Bye MOM! Bye Dad!") for a quiet stroll out back. 
I actually WALKED the whole way!! 
Tears sprang to my eyes as I saw my home from the distance (with a chorus of waving children on our porch).
I actually started out the walk whining to Todd about how awful things are.  My babies are sick.  Honestly, I am embarrassed at how rotten and sassy my kids have been lately.  And, considering they are my whole life's investment, I pretty much felt like a failure. 

Looking at my life from the distance, I was changed.
I could see how much God loves me.
He has blessed me with so much.
Walking hand in hand with my husband, I was reminded that there is POWER in parenting.  There is power in two people, united under God, who are trying to teach goodness. 
Todd and I prayed together in the woods for our family.
We claimed the power that is promised, through the covenants that we have made, to raise our family in goodness.
We felt the Spirit whisper to us JOY, PEACE and HOPE.
We set some personal goals for this week and we planned or family home evening for Monday night.

Bedtime went smoothly.  Children seemed a little less hopeless. 

As we sat down to play our end of the night card game with Todd's mom, she suggested we helped our kids set personal goals and have individual interviews with them.  That was the same thing we had just talked about on our walk.  God spoke to her and to us and inspired us both to do one simple thing to bless our family.  God is real.  He loves families. 

Before we went to bed, I unpacked our trusty family journal.
We wrote down a simple goal for each of our kids and wrote down a list of priorities that Todd and I need to remember and plan for.
We went to bed unified and hopeful.
We woke to a home alive and lived in.
Life is good.

Tonight, our family home evening will be on Self-Mastery.
As Todd meets one on one with each kid, we will eat cinnamon roll and play games at the kitchen table.

I love this talk from conference...
http://media2.ldscdn.org/assets/general-conference/october-2013-general-conference/2013-10-5070-elder-russell-m-nelson-720p-eng.mp4?download=true
and, we are memorizing this quote--

Developing the Spiritual Within Us.
"Man's existence is but a test as to whether he will concentrate his efforts, his mind, his soul upon things which contribute to the comfort and gratification of his physical instincts ad passions, or whether he will make his life's end and purpose the acquisition of spiritual qualities.

"Every noble impulse, every unselfish expression of love, every brave suffering for the right; every surrender of self to something higher than self; every loyalty to an ideal; every unselfish devotion to principle; every act of self-control; every fine courage of the soul, undefeated by pretense or policy, but by being, doing, and living of good for the very good's sake-- that is spirituality, and God has asked us to develop the spiritual within us."  President David O. McKay

Fall.

Can I tell you how much I love having a yard?!!!

I love watching my kids and my husband working hard outside.

Better than video games and man-made playgrounds...

(Little Eve is potty training... I love her pant-less romp through the leaves.)

Life is beautiful!!

Public Bathrooms.

I've spent too much time in nasty public restrooms.

I'm worried I'm going to catch some STD.  That might be impossible or unlikely, but I still think about it way too often.

What do you do?

I'm too uncoordinated to potty without sitting on the toilet.

Most places don't have the flushable covers, and when I do use them I end up wet.  Blah.

So, my favorite new thing is Antibacterial Spray that I got from the trial-sized section of Target.  I bought a few and stuck them in purses and diaper bags.

I love this stuff.

I just spray before I potty and imagine all the nasty germs disintegrating away.  Plus, it smells like vanilla so it makes public potties a little more appetizing.

Happy Friday!!

Best Compression Socks...

I think it's funny that wearing tight socks actually helps to push blood from your legs to your heart.

A lot of people wear compression socks. They're good for long trips, for diabetics, for older people, to help prevent blood clots or varicose veins, and for people who work on their feet all day.

My all-time favorites are Sockwell brand from Amazon.  They feel cottony and stay tight without bunching up at my ankles.  Plus, they're fun.

 Silly socks.

Make today a good day!!

giddy-up.

My mom went home this morning.  My mother-in-law is still with me.  They both have worked so hard cleaning, unpacking, cooking, folding laundry, caring for my children.

I'm pretty sick of writing a blog about ME and my surgery.
When I was on bed rest a friend of mine delivered her baby.  She had Percretta, like I did, and I remember just waiting and waiting for her to be healed and happy again.
It took so much longer than I expected it to and I was impatient for her.

My own recovery has been WAY slower than hers was.  I am even more impatient for me.
I really am going to start posting more non-medical stuff.
Because there are picturesque moments happening all around me-- I need to see them again.
I need to dust off my camera and just enjoy these moments.

But, I'm still going to write about my recovery.  Because I'm all bottled up inside and I need to think this stuff out.
Please stick with me as I sort through my brain.  I think that I need this space to digest my feelings so things can clean out a little.  You know?

I was desperately hoping that yesterday would fix me.
It is hard to hear details about my surgery.  It's hard to see pictures of my insides littered with purple stitching, rods or stents that shouldn't be there, staples-- lots of staples.
(My x-rays look like someone just took a stapler and stapled 100 staples in a big clump.  I was surprised they let me through airport security.)
I have the surgical notes from my surgeries and it describes some really scary things.
For one thing, I learned that my Iliac artery was cut. 
The Iliac comes down from your Aorta- the Aorta changes to the Iliac when it branches to two parts.  My right Iliac artery was cut and bleeding for two days.  They were able to repair it during my second surgery. 

When your placenta seeps out of your uterus, there are lots of things for it to get stuck to.
My right Iliac vein was cut and my left ureter got caught in a stitch.
blah.

If I had permanently lost blood flow to my Iliac, I would have lost blood flow to my legs and bum.
I'm not sure you can live like that... but I understand a little better why my legs took so long to wake up and why my right side is still giving me a hard time.

Thinking about my old surgery, anticipating my new surgery, and hearing the doctor describe the shape I am in now, makes me sad.
When I feel like a mess of a patient, I just want to read books all day and hide from my life.  Thinking I'm sick and fragile and in pain, actually makes me sicker and more painful.
I do let myself wallow for a time, but I don't feel better disengaged in my life.

Today, I want to post a few pictures I took this summer.
I was pretty sick but really wanted to watch my kids at their riding camp.
I love horses.
I love kids with horses.
Someday I am going to be strong and we are going to have horses.
For now, enjoy these pictures with me.

Life is good.

Blah. Blah. Bladders.

Sitting in a waiting room, waiting for another surgery.

My arms are still bruised from last week's IVs.

Today I hope they remove my stent (not a big fan of rods in my ureters) and fix everything else magically.

I'm also hoping that my doctor rocked Super Mario Brothers when he was younger.  Because, I think he'll be using those skills to maneuver inside of me.

Can I tell you something?

As scarred and tired as my little body is, I really love my body.

I'm amazed at how well it heals itself.

My body has born me eight beautiful children and it is really amazing at handling poking and prodding and human intervention.

We have a high pain tolerance, my body and I.

I sometimes feel sad that my body has been through so much, but mostly I feel amazed and grateful.

The human body is incredible.

Only a God could have designed something so intricate and resilient.

I feel confidant that I'm on my way to strong and healthy again.  

Kidneys and bladders and ureters and arteries and veins... They can be pretty messed up and still heal and function again.

Wow!  

I know that I am not my body.

And yet I am so grateful for my body.

It's a good one.

Pray for my sweet surgeon today.

Dr. Lam

Hope he's really great at rescuing princesses.  :)

Post surgery update--

Well, I still have a stent.  It looks like my left ureter got accidentally stitched during my big surgery.  I'm a mess inside.  They were sewing my insides while I was gushing blood and swollen to over 200lbs.  Can you imagine?  It must have been like trying to sew together wet tissue paper.  I can hardly sew a button on a dry, non-living shirt.  Surgeons amaze me.  

I may loose a kidney, but hopefully just a few inches of ureter.

I have pictures of the top of my vaginal opening that was stitched closed with purple stitches and there was a metal clamp left on.  It's messy and making it hard for my fistula to heal.  Probably explains my frequent infections.

They are looking for another really great and brave surgeon who can operate on me sometime this winter.  They will have to cut my tummy open again-- scary.  But hopefully they'll get things all fixed up.

As I see pictures of my insides, and have read the reports of what happened to me, my heart is full of love for those that operated on me that day.  What a hard, scary job they had.  I'm so thankful for brave doctors who were willing to fight in the trenches for me and my baby.

Everything is going to be ok.

Thank God for the miracles of modern medicine.

I'm going to go take a nap!!