I'm a miracle!

Dear Kristen--

I hope this is the last picture I will post of my scarred belly.  Haha!  Maybe I'll post a belly picture again when Ben turns 40.  

My scar looks great as far as scars go.  If you want to feel good about yourself, just have eight kids.  Everyone will tell you how great you look "for having eight kids".

Physically I feel normal.  I don't ever, ever even leak urine.  (Not even when I sneeze or jump on a trampoline.)  My sex-life is fully functional and fun!  My bowels work.  My stomach doesn't hurt.  I know this is TMI-- but we're friends.  ;)

I'm NOT exhausted.  I don't take ANY medication aside from Fatigue to Fantastic Energy Revitilization System vitamins that I drink daily (when I remember).  I love them.  

People who see me, who know about my surgery, are pretty much amazed.  Everyone is always asking "How are you really?"  And really-- I'm NORMAL!!!!  I'm good!  I'm healed and happy.  I could die tomorrow (so could you), and I would die HAPPY!

Ahhhh!!  NORMAL feels amazing when you don't ever think normal will return.

Ben CLIMBED ONTO THE KITCHEN TABLE today.  He started running/walking this weekend and he is going to give me a run for my money.  I know toddlers and this little guy is one BIG spirit.  I LOVE it.  I'm SO grateful.

Mentally, I think I miss my old friends in Oregon and Texas sometimes.  I didn't get out a lot last year and I feel lonely for adults at times.  But, I'm not depressed.  I'm excited, grateful, and hopeful.

I am nervous to exercise or do anything physically strenuous.  But, I'm not nervous I might die.  I went on some pretty intense roller coasters this summer and I thought "if I was going to die, I would already be dead."  Ha!  

I believe in our ability to heal.  We can heal from intense physical challenges, we can heal from intense emotional challenges, and we can heal from mental and physical illness.  I didn't curse God when my healing took time, but I also never stopped believing that I could be healed.  

Our bodies are AMAZINGLY resilient.  I cannot go through the temple without knowing the reality of temple blessings in my life.  

My body is a quilt-- a beloved, well-used quilt.  And, I love my body.  

I know that prayers are answered.  I felt your prayers pulling me back to life, literally.  

Honestly, I would do this again if I had to choose tomorrow knowing what I know now.  I would still choose Ben.  I would choose LIFE, even when it's hard.  I KNOW that suffering is holy and sanctifying.  It is an honor to endure.  

I call Ben my grand finale' and he is.  My magnum opus (Charlotte's Web).  He is a gift.  

Really-- I'm great.  I try to wear my compression socks.  My feet ache when I do a lot, and my fingers tingle.  I think my circulation is slower.  I actually LOVE when my feet ache.  Todd is so sweet to rub them for me and it ALWAYS reminds me of the months my legs were on fire!! I am SO grateful for the reminder of how far I've come.

My actual stomach is still numb around my scar.  I haven't had a yeast or urine infection since my last surgery!!!!  A-MA-ZING!!  My 6 month check-up is coming up in November.

Thank you!! Thank you all for walking this journey with me.  My family has been blessed by many.  

I believe in miracles.

I believe in God.

I believe our life (and our trials) have meaning and purpose.

Life is an absolute gift-- and my tummy reminds me of that every single day.

All is well!!

Act Well Thy Part

For some reason, I was able to do close to a year of bed rest surprisingly well.

Having a doctor tell you that if you aren't careful you could hemorrhage, kill your baby, and bleed to death in under 5 minutes, just puts your choices into perspective.

Because I chose to get pregnant and did not choose to abort when my high-risk pregnancy was diagnosed, I accepted my parameters- bed rest, hospitals, a preemie baby, surgeries, pain, and a long recovery.  I pushed on despite my parameters but I tried not to fight against them.  

Sure, I saw MANY people around me who were healthy and able.  But, I seemed to seek out the MANY around me who had things much harder and worse than me.  I was able to feel grateful and so blessed in my yearning.  I found ways to serve and love from my bed.  My limits placed parameters on my ability to give, NOT road blocks.

I cherish the friendships I made in the hospital.  I am so grateful for the projects I did have time for.  My mind today is healthier because I learned what peace and stillness felt like.  The journals that I wrote back and forth to my children are sacred to me.

I certainly didn't endure perfectly, but I was happy and grateful in less than ideal circumstances.

My underlying, foundational belief was that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I knew that He could heal me and that IF He did not, it was because He knew this specific trial was exactly what I needed (what my family needed) to purify my soul.  I knew that this life is intended to be a time of learning and growth.  I trusted Him, trusted His timing, and trusted the process.

I felt peace in my bed because I knew that God could raise me from my bed if He needed me to walk.  I knew that even if I died, all would be well.

Today I can tell you with my whole soul that I was right.  My suffering has become my own journey to the Holy Land.  I have learned who I am and who He is.  I have learned there is holiness in hard.  

I wouldn't say that God caused my suffering so that I could learn.  But, I know He walked through the hard with me, He helped me learn.  He used my experience to teach goodness.  I feel it was a privilege to endure.

Please excuse this somewhat ridiculous comparison.

Yesterday, I got caught in the tide of wanting.  I looked around at my kid infested home and I saw my limitations.  I just naturally yearn for a beautiful home.  I have a beautiful home, but sometimes I could wish away this stage of my life.  I would really love a whole bunch of money to spend on cute clothes and home decor.

My furniture is old and colored on with sharpie markers.  My house decor is peanut-butter chic.  I love my house and I know with a few thousand dollars I could buy some new furniture and fix things up quite lovely.  Sometimes I just think life would be so fun without a strict budget. 

I found myself looking at homes online of people who live a storybook castle life, with loads of money, perfect houses, house cleaners, a nanny, and interior decorators.  I wanted that life and ALMOST felt sorry that my life didn't look like someone else's.

You see, this trap catches us all, no matter how much we have.  It's so easy to look up and want-- instead of looking out and being grateful.

These are my parameters.  Right here, right now, I do not have money to have a pottery barn catalog home.  I believe that if God wanted me to have more money and nicer furniture, He could provide the means for that to happen.  I actually believe He will bless me with the desires of my heart in time.

Is it dumb that my ache for more money, time, ability, patience is not so very different from my prior ache for more health, strength and life?

I know how dumb and worldly my example sounds-- but there are many parameters in life.  We have physical limitations like health and fertility, social limitations like loneliness or business or awkwardness, financial limitations not enough or too much, time limitations, limitations of ability, limitations of opportunity, educational limitations, family limitations.  Some parameters we create, some are inflicted upon us, and some are just part of life.

I guess I just think it's OK to wish things in your life were better.  That yearning is holy and powerful.  Deep desire stems from love.  Last year I wished I could walk and lift, this year I wish I had some new living room furnish and a kitchen table that fit my family.  These are not bad desires.  

But, they ARE very real parameters.  We will always have parameters in life.  They change, but they do not go away.  

We will ALWAYS see something in our children that they need to learn.  It's hilarious actually.  

I had an absolutely rebellious child for a couple of days.  (Again, I understand how ridiculous this example is.  I think it would be much easier to accept if I had a son addicted to drugs I was using as an example.)  This boy flat out refused to do what his father and I asked him to do.  He was sassy, disrespectful, and completely defiant.  His father was ready to throw down the hatchet (if that is a correct saying).  I was ready to find some awful punishment to make his life quite awful... I ached for him, I pled with him, and I prayed.  And then, I was blessed with a gentle wind of perspective.

I have a practically perfect 15 year old (but this lesson would be true even if he was half rotten).  He is kind, he gets straight A's.  He keeps his room spotless.  He helps out every time I ask (except with above noted situation).  He reads books like The Autobiography of Parley P Pratt, for fun.  He wakes up on his own, happily, by 5am every day to attend a scripture class 30 minutes away that starts at 6am.  He practices the piano and french horn daily without being asked.  He bakes cookie for the family.  He does dishes.  He cleans his bathroom well without being asked.  He's an Eagle Scout.  

And-- he has somewhat rebelled against feeding his dog.  He hates feeding Rocco and says he doesn't have time to walk him. 

This ONE thing could, and did, escalate in our minds to make him seem like a difficult child.  Good thing we caught the big picture before we completely distorted our perspective.  

Caring for the dog was his hard thing.  We simply asked another, very willing child, to walk the dog daily.  And, gave this child some encouraging expectations (and incentive) to feeding the dog.  This morning Jakob happily fed the dog on his way out the door.  Something that was huge last week, was just commonplace this week.

We didn't need to be upset that we saw something in this child he could improve on-- we will ALWAYS find something.  We can expect parameters.  Taking away the anger and feelings of injustice in a given situation allows us to see things as they really are.

We can absolutely love an imperfect life and an imperfect child!!

I actually think it's easier to accept children and lives with big disabilities than it is to accept parameters within the normal spectrum.  Why is that?

Strengths and weaknesses are part of life.  How can we ever love others if we can't even accept our own parameters?

One of my good friends honestly loves her two hardest kids easier because she thinks of them as brain damaged when it comes to expressing their emotions.  

Anyway, I'm not sure this blog makes any sense.  I guess I'm just trying to say that life, even with parameters, is a gift.

We were not meant to live an "ideal" life without any limitations.  Parameters are gifts!!  Parameters are blessings.  Parameters cause us to yearn, to desire, to SEE, and to appreciate.  Often, parameters are more about timing than limits.  If you get what you think you need, there will be something else you need or worry about.  That's life.

We cry when we can't get pregnant and we cry when we are sick and pregnant.  That's just life.

Today-- I am going to be grateful for my brand of hard.  When my eyes turn to those who don't seem to have any hard, I'm going to CHOOSE to turn my head to those who seem to have so much more hard than I do, and I'm going to be grateful.  I'm going to choose gratitude and refuse envy.  

God can easily change our parameters.  Perhaps He already IS leading us to the most beautiful pasture.  Perhaps when we are frustrated with the path we are on, it is only because we can't SEE where that path leads.

Perhaps, because we are stupid humans, God will raise us from the dead, fill our home with beautiful, happy children, bless us with green pastures, bountiful chickens, and the most gentle bovine-- and we will STILL wish for new couches.

But, if this happens, let us pause and remember that our mind is like an advanced google search engine programmed to search our whole world of goodness to find the one area that is not quite right.  

We are pigs that just genetically have to find and push the edges of our fence no matter how lovely the pasture.  And, it's OK to notice the limiting parameters, as long as we accept the reality that parameters NEVER disintegrate, they only change.

You can play the Super Mario Cart of Life forever, and no matter how many Princesses you rescue, there will ALWAYS be another level.

Let's enjoy the game together.

We only WIN when we are smart enough to know that everyone in this life has their own parameters.  We can choose to be unhappy or choose to Act Well Our Part.

What ere thou art, act well thy part.

Today I can walk and I have sharpie colored couches.  

Tomorrow I'll have clean windows, new couches, money, wrinkles, and bad knees.

Oh, glorious life.

I'm grateful.

I love my life.  

I love the process of life and I'm grateful for my parameters.

All is well.

My BFF is Getting Older!

Today is his birthday.

Today I am SO grateful he's mine.

I'm a bit mushy- not nearly as mushy as he is.

We were making out the other day ;) and Todd said to me, "I love your hair.  I love getting lost in your eyes."  Ha!  I cracked up and told him he's a weirdo.  I told him people don't say things like that in real life, just the movies.

When I was a newly wed at BYU, we went to church with hundreds of other newly weds and a few not-newly wed families who were living in BYU married student housing.  Sometimes I'd see odd couples, like a really tiny lady married to a very large man, or a really handsome man married to a not as beautiful woman, often beautiful woman married nerdy husbands, or really tall women married short little husbands.  I loved figuring these couples out and wondering how they fell in love.  I love how love works.  

I always wonder if people saw Todd and me together and thought we were a good match, or if they wonder how a kind Idaho guy like him ended up with a New Jersey lady like me?  I'm spicy.  He always tells me that is what he loves about me.

I wish I could have observed our courtship and early marriage from the outside.  In my mind, Todd has always been practically perfect and I've come a long way.  Ha!

I've shared my life here on this blog.  I shared the story of my last baby and near death experience.  What is impossible to convey is the absolute partnership that Todd and I have developed.  I would be dead if he didn't absolutely KNOW I would live.

My aunt told me about the night in the waiting room when the doctors explained that my surgery hadn't gone well.  They knew something was wrong- because it had taken too long for them to come and report.  My aunt said she had never been in a situation so sad, she wasn't sure she could stand hearing that I wasn't going to make it.  

Doctors worried that they couldn't stop my bleeding (three days later they would repair my right illiac that was accidentally cut and bleeding out).  They said I would be lucky to make it through the night, that they were unsure the extent of brain damage this much blood loss and 200 units of bold products had caused, and that my heart had held strong but was under extreme distress.  The report was grim.

Immediately following this report, Todd called home to report to his father, "Jen's heart is strong!  She just needs to make it through the night."

Todd sat by my side with a smile on his face.  He squeezed my hand, he saw the best there was in me.  He helped me to walk.  He was kind to the doctors and nurses.  He loved me and cheered me on as I came back to life.  It took me almost a week of hazy life to figure out that something went wrong during my surgery.  Whenever I looked into his eyes, I saw hope, love, and absolute rock solid faith.  He raised me from the dead.

Nurses would comment frequently about how my body responded to Todd's presence.  He calms me.   Some nurses worried that Todd was in shock- "He's just always so happy" they'd tell me.  "He's always like that," I'd assure them.

I have never heard this man say one thing bad about another person.  (Although he does sometimes agree with my observations at times- saying things like "Yes, that was wrong.  Just let it go honey.")  I have never seen or heard him be unkind to another person (he does get strict and impatient with the kids sometimes).  I'm pretty nurturing with our kids, but Todd has me beat.  He is the one that takes the splinters out.  He is just genuinely a nice guy.

I know Todd better than anyone knows him, and he is the real deal.  He's solid.  He's good.  He's nice.  And, I still pinch myself that he really loves me.  He laughs at my forgetfulness, raves about my cooking, says he loves to rub my tingling feet, cherishes my scars, and lives to make me laugh.  

Oh friends, I wish all of you could be loved like I am loved.  We dance to love songs as we clean the kitchen together at night.  Our love is the stuff love songs are made of.  Since Ben's birth and my rebirth, our moments together are even more cherished.   Often he will climb into bed after an especially long time on his knees, with tears in his eyes.  He hugs me extra tight as he tells me that He was just thanking God again for letting me live.  Seriously.  I am so blessed.  

There are many, many things I worry about portraying too ideally on this blog of mine.  My kids are just normal, good kids.  My house is a below average decorated kid lived in home on an above average piece of land.  Me, I'm a half crazy intensely determined mother that tries too hard to be what I wish I was naturally.  

But, by far, the best thing about our family is our marriage.  Todd and I are  really, really good together.  It didn't just happen-- it was work.  

We are two very different people with two very different backgrounds.  We had to learn communication, we had to learn unity, we had to learn intimacy, we had to learn how to suffer together and how to heal together.  We are still learning.

God has blessed me with many miracles in my lifetime-- but this man, he's my favorite miracle.

How I love him.

How I need him.

How I long to grow old with him.

I am thirsty for his love and addicted to his gentle soul.

My cells love this man, my body knows his scent and his touch and his laugh.  

I know God loves me because He blessed me with Todd.

I am SO grateful that he is mine, that he is here with me for another year, that I am here with him.

I love to get lost in his eyes.

Haha!

Happy Birthday Old Man!

You are my favorite.

Life, with you, is good.

PS-- I'm choosing to share this Facebook message I just received from my aunt in the UK.  I want to have a record if this note, and I want you to know that I can't make this stuff up. 

Hi Jen, just saw your lovely post about Todd, and it reminded me of an email he sent to me when you were in hospital (after your aunt was posting some of the complications).  Todd wrote:  "I am aware of the possible outcomes, yet I am purposely choosing to take each turn of events in stride as they occur, instead of worrying about what could potentially happen.  Information leading to prevention is good, information leading to worry is not.  I don’t have the energy for that and frankly, I don’t think it does any good.  I just trust that God will allow Jen to experience what she needs to experience, and that He won’t allow her to suffer needlessly; there is meaning in her suffering, and mine too, I suppose.  And that He will give us both the strength to drink whatever bitter cup is presented without becoming bitter ourselves."   I was so very impressed with this reply.  You do indeed have a good man there Jen, and you are right to celebrate him. i would have posted this on your page, but I wasn't sure if he would want that.    Love you!!  And wishing Todd a very happy day...me

Happy with a Houseful

I'm paraphrasing Elder Holland's latest BYUI devotional, "Living After the Manner of Happiness".  He says, "If you want to be happy, DO what happy people do."

I've been reading (listening to it while I cross-stitch at night actually) a book for book group 1000 White Women.  (I forward past the steamy parts.)  Comparing the white man to the Indians May Dodd explains that the white man (or woman) spends so much of their time trying to achieve a state of happiness.  The Indians are too busy working to worry about whether or not they're happy, and yet they are!

I agree.

I speak Elder Holland's words over and over in my mind.  Want a clean house?  Do what people with a clean house do.  Want happy children?  Do what people with happy children do.  

I even tell my kids to just pretend they love each other for one day.  Ha!  I tell them, treat each other as if you are best friends-- and you will be best friends.

I often act as if I have the most kind and helpful kids-- and I actually DO.  I try not to focus on their absolutely normal childish behaviors and just see their potential.  It really works.  I think that's what our Heavenly Father does for us!!

(He's almost walking...)

Didn't Elder Eyring give a talk once about making plaques for his children?  His timid son, he made a plaque with a lion.  

Today is the weekend we get to listen to inspirational talks and be fed.  We have guests visiting from out of town.  Which is SO fun and a LOT of mouths to feed.  

As much as I always imagine conference where I am able to sit and be fed, I have come to plan on a conference where I'm fed in snippets as I create a home where others can sit and be fed.  I actually love my job.  I feel blessed and happy as I serve.  I love creating conference traditions that spread joy to those I love.  I don't miss much, I am able to sit and quietly listen the next week when my home is quiet.

(Anna thinks these pictures are so funny- check out the orange waterbottle.)

I think "acting as if" is so healthy.  

The problem with being a stay at home mother is that we have the luxury of thinking too much about how we are feeling.  We have too many people saying to us "I could NEVER have that many kids" or "I could never do that".  Or, "you're doing too much, just say no."  Or, "do what makes you happy."  Oh please.

Saying no, doing less, focusing on yourself, this will NOT bring happiness.

Do you think you'll be less busy if you DON'T bring a meal to a friend or babysit someone else's kids while they go to the doctors?  Do you think you'd be more happy if you only had yourself to feed?  Nope.  You'd be lonely in your immaculate home with abundant free-time.  Even IF you didn't have humans to serve in your home, you would find some to serve.  Happiness comes in loosing yourself NOT in focusing on yourself.

You wouldn't be happier if you had nothing to keep you busy.

People fill their lives-- we all live 24 hours a day, no matter what we try to accomplish.  Tired is natural and GOOD.  

We are absolutely blessed to be able to choose why we are exhausted.  We can choose to spend our days serving others or spend our days getting manicures and eyelash extensions or spend our days typing up random reports for people who tell us how to spend our days.  We ALL are busy.  

You and you alone get to choose the life you want to create.  You CAN create the life you desire.  You get to write your history.  Don't let your health or your mood determine your destiny.

I still LOVE the advice I got from Sister Julie Beck when I was very ill.  She said "much of the work of the church is done by people who don't feel good."  I love her.

Act as if you're happy as you start your day!

Acting "as if" is like jump-starting a car when the starter is broken.  You know, when you start it rolling down the hill and pop the clutch?!  That's what you're doing.

Can't tell you how many of my intimate moments have started because I "acted as if" I was in the mood.  Mood follows behavior.

Don't start your day asking yourself what you feel like doing today.  Instead, tell yourself what you are going to be doing that day.  Feelings follow actions.

Recently our Superintendent told me, "First you change the policy, then you change the mindset."

(Chicken pot pie)

So, today-- BE HAPPY.

Do Good!

Act as if you LOVE what you do.

Act is if you are a Pro!

See yourself as the expert you want to become.

It works.

Acts change feelings.

Acts of service create joy.

Tired is an absolute gift.

(Ask any person on bed rest.)

Tired and used is how I want to feel at the end of my days.  

Like the Velveteen rabbit learned, "Real hurts sometimes"-- but it is an honor.

Enjoy your day friends!!

This is a glorious month.

I love having company.

I love being surrounded by children and friends and yes, sometimes chaos.

I might only get snippets of conference amidst my conferencing-- but those few loaves and fishes leave me FULL.  

Life is good!!

A life of service is sublime.

Loose yourself and go to work friends.

This is what truly happy people do!!

(This is what we're cutting out during conference...)

So fun!!

Hand Surgery

If you've read this blog for years, or know us in real life, you will know that my oldest daughter Anna has a hand that is scarred.

Anna fell (push-up style) into the coals of a campfire when she was 16 months old.  She had 3rd degree burns on both of her palms, her most scarred hand is the one that required a skin graft.  This accident was horrific.  As my baby endured, my heart was ripped into a million pieces and my eyes were opened to a hospital world I never knew before.

We have our own leper colonies these days.  They are hospitals where families live lives so focused on day to day survival that it is as if they are living in a different world.  There are children who endure physical pain so naturally they put to shame pregnant women who gripe about IVs or epidurals.  Both miracles and tragedy are common for those who live a hospital life.

My time within hospital walls has been my own trip to the Holy Land.  In my experience, God is closest in temples, nature, happy homes, and hospitals.  

Angels walk the halls of hospitals.  If you are currently enduring your own Gethsemane, know that you are NOT alone.

My biggest ache as I healed from Anna's burn, was that God would allow my baby to suffer so that I could learn.  I have come to understand and accept that this was not just my journey, it is hers.  I firmly believe that as tragic as this experience was, it will work for good.  I feel a depth of maturity and empathy in this child that is a direct result of the growth this injury inspired.  

Today Anna is having some reconstructive surgery on her hand.

The time is right, the surgeon is right.  Anna is ready and even excited for this experience.  As I endured too many surgeries this past year, I didn't realize that I was teaching my child how to approach hard things in her own life.

We have discussed surgery in the past, Anna was always terrified and upset.  Today, she is brave.  She is excited to return to school with bandages, casts and splints.  She laughed when her surgeon described the slice of skin graft they would be taking from her side.  "I think I can handle it," she said to the surgeon and then glanced at me with her silly grin.

I would slice my stomach open 100 times to be able to give her that confidence.  See, my suffering is working for her good.  Suffering is like that.  It's holy and refining.

Ben has strep throat and a circumcision surgery tomorrow.  (His surgery has since been cancelled and rescheduled.)  Lily, Leah, Jakob, and Anna have also has fevers this past week.  We have fun company coming this week and I need to go start breakfast.

It's FALL!!  Beautiful fall!!

My soul is calm and grateful this morning.

Anna is cheerful and calm.

Want to know one more cool thing?  I love Anna's surgeon.  He is doing minor cutting and patching iwhere others have proposed great reconstruction.  He is a plastic, orthopedic, hand surgeon.  AND- as he was doing his residency, he had a son born with a congenital hand defect that was not fixable.  This surgeon was called to his profession (like so, so many doctors and nurses are).  He understands and he knows that a scar doesn't limit potential.  

I can't tell you how much I love this girl of mine.  Pray for her today!!  

I know she'll do great.

Life (even when it hurts a bit) is good.

Sorting Clothes When Seasons Change

What?  You don't think this is a beautiful picture?  Well then-- you don't have eight children.  Or, you might not understand what you are beholding.

Yes-- I have officially sorted the closets and dressers of each of my children.  Winter clothes are out, summer clothes tucked safely away for next season, my trunk is full of Goodwill, all who visit leave with a care package of things I want out of my home.  Ahhhh- I feel like I can breathe again.

I am actually excited to sort my clothes sometime soon.

Here are some of my tips for the seasonal change around...

Just so I am completely honest, I absolutely hate this seasonal chore and spend a few days locked in a fetal position drastically trying to avoid this overwhelming task prior to beginning.  I drown in mess and clothes for a few days in the middle, and I spend hours smiling and gazing in clean drawers the week following my accomplishment.

I have one organizational friend that I whine to every single year.  She's no help really (ha!) but, she does know how to talk me out of the fetal position while laughing at my tantrums.  I have learned all I know from my amazingly organized mother and my organized friend.  I genetically inherited the color-coded label "make things pretty" gene, but it has been laying dormant since my last surgery. 

I digress.

Tips for clothing rotation--

--Be a good steward!  Clothing is so emotional.  Sometimes we feel out of control and so we compensate.  We feel that our kids need something and we buy it for them.  Often, we are buying when we need to do laundry and sort.  The problem with this philosophy is that buying more often just adds to the mess.  Stop buying without knowing what you have!  I promise you if you do all your laundry and organize your clothes, you will loose that panic feeling and be able to buy with purpose and reason.  

--Start sorting when you have just finished doing the laundry and before you (or your kids) put clothes away.  The stuff left in their drawers usually has some issues.  Get rid of it, figure out why they aren't wearing it, or just match it up into outfits for them.

--Store clothes by size.  I put a little sticker on a tub if it is the current size of my kid.  

Eve wears 3T and some 4T.  In my 3T box, I have 3T summer clothes and empty space where the clothes in Eve's dresser used to be.  I also pulled some 4T clothes out of the 4T box.  If they fit her now, I put them in her dresser.  If I think they'll fit her this winter, I keep them in a box of "Just a little too big" in the top of her closet.

--Keep a bag or basket in each kid's closet for "Too Small" or "Just A Little Too Big"  When you get your kids dressed and see something that has become too small, just pop it in that pile.  Clothes that they almost fit into can stay in the other bag for later in the season.  This is great because you will only have to go into your big tubs spring and fall.  

--Be the Laundry Gaurdian.  While washing kids laundry, take away things you don't want them to wear!! Just toss them right in the Goodwill bag you have hanging in your laundry room.  Keep the stuff for a couple weeks and then send it away.  Chances are your kids won't even notice.  

(This is Leah's armoir.  It is a bit empty because I do laundry on Wednesday, but you get the idea.  I put skirt outfits on top with sweaters or jackets, then two shelves of outfits including a shirt and pants, socks in a box, a drawer for tshirts and undies, and a drawer for jammies.)

(My three youngest girls share a room and they each have an armoir, from Ikea.)

--Match outfits!!  Don't put a pile of shirts, a pile of pants, etc.  When you wash laundry take a few seconds to pick outfits for your kids.  I do this for my age 8 and under kids.  It is SO nice.  They can keep their rooms, dressers, and closets all clean and tidy because they have a manageable amount of clothes.

--Buy Outfits!  Don't just buy shirts on sale.  Don't just keep clothes that people give you.  Be selective!  You can pick up a cute little pair of leggings and a shirt at Walmart or Old Navy for $8.  Kids don't need much, but they do need a few cute outfits.  I do laundry every week and my kids have about 7 outfits that they wear each week.  They look cute, but we don't have a ton of laundry or excess.

--While you sort, keep a paper and pen close.  Jot down the things your kids need.  Sometimes a new pair of black leggings and some lacy church socks are all they need to eliminate stress during their morning rush.  

--Keep good stuff that you like and give away everything else.  I promise-- too much is worse than not enough.  Honestly.  Stop buying so much and stop keeping stuff they don't need.  

People these days think they can't have kids because kids are too expensive.  They are wrong.  Kids don't cost much.  Fancy parents spend too much, but kids can be happy and adorable without being too expensive.

Happy sorting friends!!

How do you transition?

Please-- share your tips.

I sure love my day job.  :)

Running in place.

Just as soon as I'm done matching socks, I'll be sorting summer clothes out of my kids' dressers and closets.  I HOPE!!  (This is a job I dread but it desperately needs to be done.)

I wish I didn't feel the need to vacuum real fast to get ready for Ben's speech and physical therapists.  (They climb all around my floor making crumbs extra noticeable.)

I'm sure glad that Eve is down for a nap now.  I'm pretty sure Ben just woke up.

I was hoping for a whole day to sort tomorrow, but I remembered a meeting I had with 6th grade teachers for PTO.  

Next week is October, two surgeries (Anna and Ben), book group (I hope everyone is feeling well enough that I can go), and company for conference weekend.  We are up to our eyeballs in sports, drama, animals, scouts, and clubs.

I am often reminded of this quote--

"Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.  If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!" 

(The Red Queen to Alice in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass)

I'm off to run just as fast as I can-- to get just about where I always am.  Almost there.  

Happy (oh so happy) to be able to run!!

Life is good.

Homemade Bread

(If you just want a bread recipe-- skip to the end.  I'm a bit chatty this morning.)

The sounds of morning surround me as I type.

"Do you know where my green shoes are?"  Anna asks.

Little girls are playing in the basement, I yell for them to brush their teeth.

Jakob's playing the piano.

Drew is reading.

Ben is happy because I finally handed him his own bowl of Cream of Wheat to eat.  (Little stink wants to do everything himself.)

Rocco is licking every drop Ben graciously throws to him.

Eve is still sleeping.

Todd just kissed me and thanked me for breakfast, as he eats a piece of homemade bread.

We searched for answers to the question "Who is Abinidi?" for a quick scripture time this morning, while I was helping Ellie finish up some homework she remembered about at 9pm last night. 

My home is tidy (oh how I love Tuesday mornings better than Monday mornings).

Leah did her own hair today and you can tell.  Good moms let second graders have messy ponytails (even as we cringe) because we know that will create 3rd graders who are independent hair stylists.

My to do list is long.  Ben is a huge mess.  Rocco just inherited Ben's whole bowl and spoon.  

Eve just woke up- cheerful and starry-eyed.  She hugged and kissed her brother with the announcement "Now I love Jakob!"

All is just as it should be.

I have learned that there is joy in creation.

I don't believe there is just joy in having-- there is joy in doing.

The joy does not come from having a clean house- the joy comes from cleaning your home.

The joy doesn't just come from having well-behaved children- the joy comes in teaching and serving your children.

When I was on bed rest, my children were well cared for.  I felt peace in that, but I missed the joy and sense of accomplishment that comes from doing it myself.

Although at the end of the day I knew they were tucked into bed, I missed that end of the day accomplished feeling that is so naturally ours as hardworking mothers.

Making bread is more joyful than just having bread to eat.

Making bread is one of the most rewarding kitchen jobs.  It simply feels good and right.  Bread is filling and it costs very little.  (We eat homemade bread for breakfast or as an addition to soup for dinner.  I buy bread for sandwiches.)

Honestly, I am a bit wary of health trends that teach true principles of health mixed with an extreme way of thinking that almost paralyzes us as we try to feed our families.  I absolutely reject the idea that God has allowed the world to get to the point that we all must live off of coconut, baby spinach, and Accai berries (although all are yummy) in order to nourish our families.  I do not believe healthy eating in this day and age, must be so expensive that we have to choose between eating healthy, saving more, and serving others.

I believe that this earth is designed to feed the people.  Food that is inexpensive and abundant and natural must be good for our bodies.

I'm not judging you or your food choices.  Individual health concerns lead people to different food choices.  I have learned so much from people who have been blessed to learn different life lessons from me.

But as for me and my house, we will eat as healthy as we can for $200 a week on groceries, diapers, and household stuff.  That is a lot.  (I have friends with large families who spend $500 a month on groceries.)  I am not super frugal-- just moderately healthy and moderately frugal.  We eat good food, we eat like kings and queens.  

One of the ways we save money is by eating more oats, wheat, and potatoes.  We also eat a lot of apples, oranges, and bananas.  I love good food.  I love local food.

Sorry for that random food rant.  It is on my mind.  I just feel the time and energy and huge weight and financial burden that eating healthy places on so many mothers.  I hate that.   I also see the weight and drag and health burdens that eating unhealthy places on people.  That isn't good either.  

There is a place of peace.  We can strive to be better while at the same time feeling peace where we are.  Guilt makes me sick- literally.  

Peace comes when you live within your means not when you are finally able to acquire all you think you need or achieve perfection.  I have learned this lesson SO well these past two years.  Live within your means!!  Find peace where you are.

God can change your means.  God can bless you with health and money and wisdom and ability-- if He hasn't, it might be because you can do all that He needs you to do with the stewardships He has already given you.  Maybe you can serve and teach others better in your want than you could have in abundance.  Maybe God knows the lessons your children are learning as they are not given everything they see, are greater than those that they would be learning in a more luxurious life.  

As I read history-- almost every single person I admire, has endured poverty, hunger, persecution, and pain.  Perhaps that should tell us something.  

Haha.  It should tell us to make bread.  :)

I am not a direction follower or one who measures.  (I use a one cup measuring cup for everything I measure- including table and teaspoons.)  I'm good at bread.

Here are a few things I learned--

-Instant yeast is different from active yeast.  If you buy regular (or active) yeast, you need to start it in a bowl of warm water with sugar sprinkled on top.  When it is foamy, add it to your bread.  Instant yeast skips this step.  You just add it right to your flour and water and it's fine.  (I use instant yeast.)

-I'm not a big bread kneader.  Kneading the bread too much, in my experience, makes the dough sticky and too hard to work with.  I will knead the dough BEFORE I add all the flour, but not very long after I add all the flour.  If I'm completely honest, I hardly ever knead bread or rolls much longer than it takes to actually mix the dough.  Maybe I'm missing something.  But, my rolls and bread are light and fluffy (depends more on the recipe than the kneading) and I make dough a lot.

-Think "easy to clean".  In my opinion, making bread is SO easy.  Basically, you are just adding liquid (water, oil) + powder (any type of flour, yeast, salt, and dab of sweetness) to create a dough.  

Think of it as two steps-- first, mix all your ingredients together using only one or two cups of flour (your making a thick soup) then add more flour until it forms a dough that cleans everything up.  If you have made a huge mess-- you need more flour.  Don't look at your recipe, look at your dough.

-Clean your kitchen before you begin.  Keep your kitchen clean as you go.  I like to gather all my ingredients on one counter-- (I'm sorry I don't take better pictures for you.  iPhone pictures are my life these days.)

As I add them, I move them to another counter so they are easy to put away later.

(See the ingredients over by the stove waiting to be put away?)

The hardest part of mixing bread is the beginning.  You want to add a little flour and a little water so it doesn't splash all over when you mix it-- like this

Don't ever add all the flour it calls for all at once.  Just add enough flour to keep the water from splashing around.  Once you get all the individual ingredients mixed, mix for a few minutes (this is my kneading part).

If my recipe calls for 8 cups of flour, I add about 8 cups of whatever I want to add. 

You can add different kinds of flour, flax seed, wheat germ (I love those B vitamins), oats, cinnamon, etc.  As long as you start with a basic recipe of water, fat, and yeast-- you can be creative with the dry ingredients.

I like to use just a tad of dark brown sugar, and cinnamon.  (My friend, Ines Erickson, always put cinnamon in her bread and it reminds me of her.)  Wheat bread with cinnamon just feels more yummy than plain wheat bread.

And-- don't forget the SALT!!  Unsalted bread is just really missing something.

(Sorry if I'm being too obvious here.)

Once all your ingredients are mixed you start adding flour until your dough clings together and cleans the edges of the bowl.  I like my bread light, so I don't keep adding flour after my Bosch is all cleaned, but you could.

See how the bowl is white?  

Making bread should not be a gooey, messy experience where the dough gets all stuck to your rings, your arms, and your sponge.  

I did it that way many times-- it means you haven't added enough flour.

I knead the dough while I'm getting out my bread mat and then I just dump the dough out.  It should come easily.  If your dough is a little sticky, spray your hands with no stick spray.

Ask for a Tupperware mat for Christmas. It makes bread, rolls and pie crusts beautifully.

Most recipes call for two rising times.  So, I'll just dump the dough into a bowl with a little oil in it, spin the dough so the top gets covered in the oil, cover the bowl with a dish towel, and let it sit on my stove to rise.  This recipe only rises once, so I just put the dough right into loaves.

See how clean the bowl is?

Forming the loaves is about stretching the tops and folding the edges under.  I'm pretty careful to form the loaves quickly and not be too particular.

I am absolutely not a perfectionist.

I almost always make 6 loaves.  

That's how many fit in my oven.

I started this batch at 2:15 and it was in the oven just as my kids got home from school AND we had unexpected friends stop by from Oregon. Thankfully, I had started chicken soup before the bread.  My kitchen was clean and I could wash up the dishes in two minutes so it wasn't this huge ordeal.  Just a perfect, cozy afternoon.

Anna found our first red leaf!

This recipe is really good.

Nothing beats talking about our day and visiting with old friends, while drinking cider and eating warm bread.

OK-- here is the recipe I used (from my friend Ines Erickson).

I have two other recipes I love-- but start with this because it's good.

(If you want, you can buy gluten, flax or chia seeds, and wheat germ at most grocery stores.  I found mine at Walmart.  I still haven't found vitamin C to add.)

Really Good Bread

(Takes 45 minutes and makes 6 to 9 loaves)

6 cups hot water

3/4 cup sugar (I used 1/2 cup dark brown sugar)

3/4 cup gluten (you can make it without gluten, it will just be more dense)

1/2 tsp vitamin C crystals (from Trader Joes- optional)

3 cups flour (any kind wheat, rye, white- I add wheat germ and flax seed with my flours)

3/4 cup oil

1/2 cup yeast

Cinnamon (optional)

1 Tablespoon salt (Don't forget!!)

2 cups oatmeal (can add more flour instead if you prefer)

Mix 1-2 minutes

Add 2 cups flour

Mix 5 minutes

Add remaining flour (about 4 cups) until dough pulls away from the edges.

Spray loaf pans and shape dough into loaves.  Mine made 6 loaves.

Place in oven warmed to 170* for ten minutes.

Then change the temp to 350* and bake for 20 minutes.

Mmm.  It's good.

45 minutes start to finish.

I use a Bosch with a dough hook.

I'm sure you could mix this by hand though, it would just take some elbow grease.  If you make this bread, take a picture and tag me in it on Facebook or Instagram.  I'm sure you'll love it.

Boy-- what a ridiculously long post.

Have a great day!

Life- with bread- is good!