September 28, 2010

just me.

so.  have i told you about my husband?
he's great.
he cooks, he cleans, he's Mr. Disciplined.
and, when he's here, he is my right leg.
and, when he's out of town...
life is all mine.
and, i love it.
i miss him, a lot. 
but, i always feel guilty, that i LOVE having 100% control of everything.

i feel no stress about dinner, or what time we eat.
mornings are carefree and happy.
i spend all day doing things that i care about (like polishing my cabinets and vacuuming baseboards)
and i don't worry a thing about the 4 loads of unfolded laundry i have hidden in my bathroom.
you see, i do a lot more, because i don't have the thought of someones "what i should be doing"
only, it's not my husband who gives me those "should" feelings.
it's me. i have these grand ideas (like my horse farm dreams), of what a good wife look likes...
and i try really hard to be that.  and it puts stress on me.  good stress, and bad stress.
and, every time i am alone i think... why is this so nice?... and what can i do to get this feeling even when i have to share Saturday with someone else?

i know, it's all my brain.
when there is two of us, i have an attitude because he's not quicker to put the kids to bed, or fold the laundry that is waiting.
and i feel his judgement (whether or not it is there) that the laundry is not folded already.
if i'm alone... i just do it.  myself.
and it feels good to work harder.  to be in charge.

i KNOW, i'm weird.
but, sometimes i wish that the professor had a job where he would be gone more, because then i could become like those super mega independent woman that you see bringing their 5 kids to every soccer practice, doing breakfast and dinner and family night and bedtime by themselves.
i know i could be that woman... but it awfully hard to be that woman, when you are married to a man that is so naturally helpful.  someone who enjoys cooking dinner and would rather sit at soccer practice while i put the little kids to bed.
Ha!  what a dork i am.
i REALLY should have married a chauvinistic cow boy who refused to do dishes...
at least then i wouldn't have wife-guilt.

i sometimes wish i was Mary Tyler Moore who always had a perfect dinner waiting on the stove so that when my hard working husband walked through the door, i could greet him with a kiss, looking ravishing in my heels and darling dress with an apron, my house spotless, my children quietly reading in their rooms...

many of you may be this kind of wife.
many of you may think this life sounds repressive and old fashioned
many of you may think i am this kind of wife.
yes, i have you fooled.

anyway... truth is, i'd rather be married than have Saturday all to myself.
i'm afraid we'd eat rather sparsely if i didn't have a husband to plan for.
bedtime is scary and awful without a warm body to curl up next to.
i'm totally afraid of the dark.
twice i saw big grasshoppers in my bathroom, and i had to kill them by myself.
it was horrible.
and... i think we've spent an hour a day on our cell phones since he's been out of town... so, it's not like i'm really alone anyway.
i don't mind putting away the laundry.
or cooking a real dinner.
not sure that the professor would give me the same rave reviews that i received last night for canned corn and box mac n cheese.
i think i'd get sick of mac n cheese anyway.

so, yesterday was nice.
and tomorrow will be grand too...
i think we'll just have to wake up a little earlier, not sure that the professor loves the "mom quotes a scripture in the car on the way to school morning devotional" as much as i do.
and, that's ok.
cause he's worth sharing with.
but... if you don't have a man in your home... just one night, enjoy watching whatever show you want to watch without someone else humphing in the background.
and, by the way, i think it's funny that a man can watch a show where someone kills 40 people, blood and guts everywhere, and not blink an eye.
but, if there happens to be a show where a girl kisses another girl... that is repulsive.
it's funny what we tolerate and what we don't.
and i don't believe, no matter how perfect a companion you find... that you will ever find someone that you are not sacrificing for.

i have a friend. 
she has been divorced a few times.
we were talking about relationships and i said "you have got to learn to control your words, the way you communicate what you are feeling."
she said, "I want to find a man who loves me for me... who i can be completely real with 100% of the time."
and i thought, that sounds great... but, i don't even love me 100% of the time.
yes, you do want to feel loved... but love is not about complete acceptance. 
LOVE is about sacrifice and service and restraint.
And... if you are looking for the one person who you don't have to change for... i'd suggest that person wouldn't even be good for you if you found them. 

being with people causes us to restrain, to grow, to reach outside of ourselves.
My relationship with Todd helps me to wake up earlier, to cook more, to be on time, to follow through with commitments (like soccer practices that i would have my kids skip most days), to be more constant, to set boundaries.
Todd, having me in his life, has more empathy, patience, flexibility, creativity, service, he is a better father, he is more tolerant of others, he has cereal for dinner every now and then and knows he will not DIE of malnutrition. 
we both make sacrifices and that is what marriage is all about.
just sayin'.


valerie in TX said...

You're right - you do have me fooled, 'cuz I do think you're Mary Tyler Moore - and June Cleaver, and Carol Brady all rolled into one. :) And, I also agree with you that it's sometimes easier....and sometimes harder....when the hubby's out of town. I've got a cowboy who refuses to do dishes that you can borrow anytime you wanna trade for a day or two. :)

valerie in TX said...

p.s. I was cracking up at the canned corn and mac & cheese. love it - a meal after my own heart! :)

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