don't read this, i'm cranky.

yes.  i'm a bit crazy these days.
my house is a mess...
i'm crabby...
i'm in over my head with church and pta...
i'm not ready for halloween...

the professor is going out of town this week so it is not even physically possible for me to get my kids where they need to be when they need to be there...
and, i can't even get to the point where i can accept help.
you know it's bad when you don't even know how anyone can help.

my kids spent this morning making a huge fort in their bedrooms... then playing board games...
they used the laundry basket to reach the top of the game closet... the laundry basket that used to hold clean laundry... the games at the top of the closet are games like Settlers and Railroad Tycoon...
just so you know.
they are LOVELY to clean up.
and... my house was a mess BEFORE this started.
at least they have been playing quietly and nicely together all day.

i've tried chocolate (as in- i tore open the Recess bag i bought for trick or treating)
it's not working.
i'm still REALLY crabby.
i can't sleep.
i can't clean.
i can't figure out a plan that makes everything good...
i can't loan out a few kids for the week.
i can't postpone this pregnancy till i'm mentally able to handle it better.
i could take a pill (and that might help...) but it wouldn't get my laundry put away.
these are the days when my sweet New Jersey neighbor used to say, "Jen, come on over and I'll pour you a glass of wine... no one will ever have to know."
Isn't that cute?  She was serious too.

Maybe today, Jesus will turn my water into wine.  :)
Hah!  That's pretty funny isn't it...  who needs a pill, we can all just pray to be imbibed with Holy Wine.

i wish i could just zap myself past the next week...
ok, honestly, i wish i could zap myself past the next year.
is that horrible to admit?
i'm not excited about the professor getting a job, me getting fat, being cranky, selling a house, packing, moving, saying goodbye and meeting new people...
i'm not sure i can handle it.

but what can i do?
chocolate isn't working...
(i'm really going to try drinking some water and imagining it was bourbon on the rocks- or something like that... honestly, i can't even NAME a drink cause i've NEVER had one... but oh, i can imagine.)

i also think that i'm going to find out whether i'm having a boy or girl on Friday.
i wanted to be surprised... but, i think i have too many surprises in my life right now.
i want to plan and start to know this baby, now.
seriously, i HATE surprises.
that's why i'm insane right now.
too much in my life is out of my control.
so, i'm going to find out boy or girl.

and tonight, i think i'll try cooking dinner.
meatloaf, mashed potatoes and asparagus.
with sour cream apple pie.
(hah!  i'm writing this post because i was trying to print out the apple pie recipe and got distracted... back to dinner i say, dinner will fix many things.)
then I may try doing the dishes.
and watching AFV with my kids.
i'll go to bed early and mentally count my blessings.
maybe i need to write out a list.
maybe i'll read over my favorite scriptures... like the one that says something like,
"Therefore my dearly beloved, let us cheerfully do all that is in our power to do and then stand still and see the arm of the Lord."  (I'm sure it says something like that.)
then tomorrow, i'll wake up and cheerfully send my kids away to school...
furiously clean my house...
work on pta...
and pray that somehow, i will be enough.

i'm afraid my 5 fishes and loaves are pretty soggy today...