like beans and cornbread.

i'm five months pregnant with eve (my seventh) in this picture- just so you know.
most pictures you see of me, i'm pregnant with someone :)

todd's family is vanilla.
my family is rocky road.

we met at church while we were attending byu.
i shared my testimony one Sunday and had 8 dates the next week.
they called todd "Mr. Mom".
he baked bread, he kept his apartment clean, he never skipped class, he knew all the answers in sunday school class, and he left parties early so he could get to bed on time.
i was a convert to mormonism.
my mother met mormon missionaries around the time she was separating from my first father.
todd's ancestors were mormon pioneers.
even though i was teaching seminary (an lds religion class) i was intimidated to read scriptures with todd because he knew the hebrew root words and i pronounced the words incorrectly.
i cried because my jello didn't get hard.
(fyi- you can not be a good mormon wife if you don't know how to make jello.)
i thought marriage was everything hard in life.
todd thought marriage would be bliss.
we were both in for a surprise.
todd's parents rarely disagree.
i come from a family that fights big and loves big.
todd had never seen people drunk until he came to my first family reunion.
i had never known a family that wasn't affectionate until i hugged todd's uncles and kissed them on the cheek and got a look of complete alarm... these were farming folk who were not the huggy, kissing type.
i'm still embarrassed by my immersion into todd's family.
i was an outspoken girl from the east visiting a small western town.
i didn't know who john wayne was and i thought they were kidding when they said they could never go to Provo, Utah for school because the town was too big.
i remember being reprimanded because i was too rowdy.
it was explained to me that visiting cousins was formal, like visiting teaching.
when todd came to my family it was like My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
he said to me in awe one evening, "I just never realized that non-mormon families loved each other this much."

do you ever wish you could go back and re-live a certain part of your life?
i know i could do a bang up job of high school a second time around, but for sure i would relive this engagement time of my life.
i would be less insecure.
i'd spend less time trying to get them to think i'm great and spend more time trying to show them how great i thought their son was.
because, even though we were from different parts of the country... we had a LOT of similarities.
we both have big hearts and kind souls.
we love easily and forgive quickly.
we both LOVE children and family.
we both try really hard to do what is right.
we are both committed to our faith and our God.
we love to learn, we love to be together, we're funny and have so much fun together.
and, we really, really love each other.
we really wanted to make things work... and we knew we would.

because i'm peanut butter and he is jelly... and we're so good together on our little piece of bread.
{pardon the random song that i had to type because it has been running through my mind as i type this post.}

i often reflect back on these early days.
we were both so young.  i was 19 and he was 23.
for months we spent every free moment together talking and making out in the front seat of his car.
i still imagine i can hear the ticking of his grandfather's watch by my ear when he kisses me.
i felt todd's wisdom and his innocence... he felt my raw goodness.
and soon, we just knew that we had found someone we wanted to share forever with.

i'm not sure that many people were super excited about our decision to get married.
but we knew.
for todd it was a dream, for me it was the quiet whisper of the Spirit and an image embedded in my mind.
i could see todd pushing my future daughter on a swing.  they were both smiling and so happy.
i knew that this was the man i would choose as the father of my kids.
i knew this was the man God had led me too.
my life is forever blessed because of this one, good choice.
i like to tell my young self-- you might have muddled up a bunch of things in that marriage transition, but you did a heck of a job picking a man!
and, i'd pick him again today if i had the choice.

oh, it is so good to be home!!

Not helpful.

Oh, how I had grand plans for coming to " help" my lil sister with her new baby.
Don't worry about a thing, I told her, I'll cook and cleaned take care of you.
Enter day one and broken armed baby...
Enter the next week of ten month old who needed tobe held 24 7.
Enter anna with fevers, coughs and runny nose.
Enter Stomach Flu!!!
Oh yes, you read that right.
It started with ME and spread throughout the night to everyone, including the new momma.
(Anna threw up on eve twice in the middle of the night.)
I went up to help my sister as she sat with her head in the toilet...
"can I get you anything?" I asked...
And I felt her reply..."I think you've already helped enough."

Oh, sad day.
My flight leaves this morning. Trust me, we will be headed home if I have to puke the whole flight.
I feel horrible for the trauma that I've brought to this sweet time of their lives.
I'm pretty sure this is just another example of my heart being bigger than my capacity to love.

Ugh. What a trip!

Worth it.

I'm speaking with Todd at the end of the month to a bunch of women at an area women's conference.
Our topic is "letting Christ define our worth."
It is interesting to me, and not at all coincidental, that I find myself questioning and redefining my own worth at this time.
Yesterday I took anna, eve, and my nephew. We rode the metro and toured DC.
It was patriotic, and fun, and long.
I had a chance to see a different reality.
To see a DC that is similar, yet much different from how I remember it as a child.
But mostly, I saw people.
And I saw myself through their eyes.
At the smithsonian I saw a frazzled mother of many herding her children from exhibit to exhibit. She had a pasted smile on her face that was familiar. She scooped up her about five year old, twice, as she tried to watch the movie we were watching.
I felt her pull - love the one amidst the many.
I did NOT think her life looked fun or magical or enviable... Just hard.
I took a picture for a cute gay couple. I'm pretty certain they are gay. But, it is sad that every time I see two handsome men together I assume they are gay...
Anyway, we kept running into each other and I kept thinking how nice they were.
When i think of gay people I remember my college roomates father who had left her mother for another man. He was a kind, struggling soul. He was always in the hospital because homosexuality is not healthy. I hope those two men are happy.
I saw so many fancy, working women on the metro. I wondered if any of them had kids. I thought how fun it would be to intern in DC as a college kid.
I remember people encouraging me to wait to get married and I thought they were crazy.
Now I understand where they were coming from...

I do not have fancy clothes.
I can't do much besides care for my home and my family.
My life is completely devoted to my marriage, my children and my home.
The honest truth is, I struggle to find much time for myself at all.
I try every day to be the best at what I do...
And sometimes I wonder... Do I even want to be the best crazy mom?
Would I rather be the best journalist?
The best politician?
The best author?
The best world traveler?
What would my life have been like if I had gone to Georgetown instead of BYU?
What would my life have been like if I had not gotten married at 20 and had five children by 30?
Today, I want to go shopping at a big northern Virginia mall.
I don't want to worry about budgets or finding seven coordinating "i love dc" T-shirts.
The more nights I don't have to cook for a small army the more repulsive the idea becomes to me.

And yet, I can't imagine touring dc without someone to teach and experience it with.
What's the point?
I've seen the Lincoln Memorial.
Anna hasn't.
I don't really care about the smithsonian mineral exhibit. But, I knew drew would love it.
I can't wait to take him!
Anna told me, "I don't know why, but I just said a prayer at the Jefferson memorial."
I smiled. Because I prayed too... For our country, for my children, for me... That we will remember and be grateful for all that we have.
Anna's favorite? The first ladies dresses. They are my favorite too.
And, on the metro, surrounded by many, many, classy ladies, I pulled eve's pacifier out of her mouth and she exploded into giggles. Over and over.
Lot's of women were watching us.
I wondered if they had children.
I wondered where their children were as they were riding the metro home at 7pm?
I wondered if for a small moment they wondered what it would be like if they were in my shoes?

I think I could run away from my life for a time.
I think I would enjoy having hours to make myself look nice, make myself smarter, rest more, do less, exercise, get paid for my work, hire someone to do the monotonous tasks of life.
I think I would love that life. For a time.
But, I think that life would get old... I think I would seek meaning and purpose.

And, amidst my serving, feeding, cleaning, self-sacrificing life i have found meaning.
My little broken arm baby is sleeping beside my as I type this blog one fingered on my iPad.
I hear her soft breathing and I know.
If I didn't get married at 20 and have five kids by 30, I wouldn't have had her.
Sweet number seven at age 34.
And, she is worth it.
They are all worth every sacrifice I have made.
My life is REAL.
I don't know who has their name on my shoes, but I am KIND.
I work hard.
I love people.
I have learned to lay down my life for my friends... And I have many friends.
It is worth it.
My life is good.
And I may just take a trip to the mall anyway!

(these are just random, unedited thoughts that I'm typing on my iPad... I have a very hard time editing with this thing. Sorry for the many typos!)

on a jet plane...

baby emma, waiting for aunt jen.

did i tell you that anna, eve and i are headed to DC to love on my newest niece?
(oh, and my sister, and her husband, and my nephew.)
isn't it fun that i get to bring anna?!!
my angel husband is holding down the fort- with five kiddos.
i had grand plans of leaving with a super organized home, meal plans, outfits picked complete with hair bows, a surprise fun thing to do each day...
it didn't happen.
{i did manage a bag of surprises for the little girls, valentines and treats for the big kids, and homemade granola.)
but, the truth is, i'm leaving him with a bit of a mess.
for ten days.
how grateful i am for that man.
i honestly think that he is a better homemaker than i am.
i just keep whispering to him, "Please love leah.  Leah and Ellie need your loving kindness."
and i keep praying, "Help him to get his work done while he's at home with toddlers."
he has some deadlines coming up and is going to be trying to work from home.
heaven help him.

todd and i will try to post every now and then.
but, if not...
have a great week!
i know i will!

oh, cute baby!!

preschool at a nursing home.

i had jakob's 3rd birthday party at a nursing home.
i loved it.
there is magic in the interaction of children and the elderly.
i have often thought that i could do a little preschool group at a nursing home...
we've arranged christmas programs and singing programs there.
and FINALLY i just called and asked if i could come for an hour with a group of preschoolers.
right now we go once a month- next month i will do it every other week.

it is nothing great-- just circle time with activities and songs, craft time and snack time.
i got most everything i used for $10 at the dollar tree.
our theme this month was RED which was easy because of Valentine's Day.
we'll do GREEN in March.
(i asked one of my sweet friends to come help- all her children are in school, but she came and was a lifesaver holding eve who screamed most of the time.  i had two other moms who stayed and helped out the whole time.  i couldn't have done it without other moms.  and, todd showed up for the end- right when i thought eve was never going to calm down- she had a blowout diaper and i had no change of clothes or wipes... nice. it really does take a village.)

children bring joy.
i can't imagine being at a stage of life where i am without the touch of a child.
when little fingers hold wrinkled hands, i can see both sets of eyes light up.
the facility we were at is a Memory Care facility.
seeing those men and women, who are parents, grandparents and great grandparents, as they struggle to communicate just touches my heart strings.
Wise souls who are ill and unable to remember or articulate as they once could.
i wanted them to feel normal and loved.
one grandfather started making cute animal sounds when he saw the children.
he belted out the start of a jolly hello tune before he got confused and distracted.
for a glimpse, i saw him as the man he was, and is, deep down.
i know he was a fun father and a jovial grandfather.
one of my friends has her mother in this facility.
my eyes filled with tears as her youngest child threw a balloon into the basket on her grandmother's lap.
her grandmother had a sweet smile on her face as she made a big effort to pat the balloon into the basket.
for a moment she was just a proud grandmother, i felt her spirit so present and so loving.
it was magical.

i was impressed by my timid lily...
she went around saying hello, telling them her name, holding their hands, smiling...
it was sweet to watch.

the kids sang and danced and interacted a bit.
i had a few games planned to facilitate interaction...
-we hid a stuffed heart with a grandparent and the kids went to find it.
-the grandparents held a basket and the kids tried to throw a ball of red yarn or a red balloon into it.
-i had foam hearts that the kids gave to the grandparents "giving them love".
we all did "head, shoulders, knees and toes together", we all stretched together, we all sang "If you're happy and you know it" together...
(the woman in the orange jacket was named mildred, she reminded me of my grandmother who passed away a few years ago.)

it was an easy, fun morning!
i learned this lesson-- don't be afraid to serve.
do you have something that you've thought about?
something that you could do, without much effort, that would bless the lives of others?
i believe God will whisper to you what it is.
some small thing, to serve a few of His children.

i finally listened-- and as i served i was filled with joy.
i know i was doing exactly what He wanted me to do.
i was serving in a small way... and it was beautiful.
JUST DO IT.
make a phone call, schedule the date... just do the one small thing that nags at the back of your mind.
i heard someone once say, you may have a dream that seems too hard to do.
just take the first step towards it.
my first step- i cancelled leah's preschool and i told the teacher i was thinking about doing my own preschool at a nursing home.
my second step- i drove to the place where i thought i wanted to do it.
i felt a distinct impression that there was another place where i would be of more service.
my third step- (the hardest) i called the first place i had chosen.  the lady i talked to was a bit dismissive and too busy to talk.  she said they had a lot of stuff going on, could i call back next month.  i knew that was not the place.
i called the memory care facility.  i knew it would not be as fun as the other more glamorous home, but i knew  we could be of greater service.
the activity director i talked with was SO excited.  she called me back in five minutes to tell me she had checked with her boss and everything was good.
they were kind, appreciative, and very flexible.  a great match.  we scheduled a date.
my fourth step- i just did it.
i was scared and nervous and unsure...  but it was fine.

i'm actually surprised at how easy it was to do something.
we each have something we can do.  some small thing.
if you don't know what it is-- ask God to tell you again.
to lead you to someone you can serve.
"be not weary in well-doing for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  and out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  doctrine and covenants 64:33

because i served, my family was blessed.

this line from a church song kept urging me forward...

"I strengthen my family by my good works..."

true.

we all can do some small thing...  

preschool at a nursing home, that was my thing.

what's yours?

life is good.

thursday thoughts and homemade valentines.

hi.
today is quite a day so i'm going to be fast.
seriously-- you would just laugh if you saw what my days are like...

here are a few thoughts that i've loved lately.
 buddha taught me to not get stressed thinking that everything depends on me.
rather, he suggests, thinking of ourselves as a part of a greater whole.
like the mitochondria in a cell.
we're all working together for the greater good.
instead of a cell, i like to think of my part in the kingdom of God...
i'm just a part of a great work.
this is the "it takes a village to raise a child" concept and it brings me peace and perspective.

This is one of my FAVORITE quotes ever....

Martin Luther, the inspired Reformer, once wrote:

"The kingdom of God is like a besieged city surrounded on all sides by death. Each man (and woman) has his place on the wall to defend, and no one can stand where another stands, but nothing prevents us from calling encouragement to one another."

i also have thought about this quote a lot lately... especially as i feel the pain of some of my friends who have children who wander.
From “Tell Me the Stories of Jesus”, April 2010 General Conference, Elder Neil L. Anderson said,
“Although there may be times when a child does not listen with a believing heart, your testimony of Jesus will remain in his or her mind and soul. If a child is not listening, don’t despair. Time and truth are on your side. At the right moment, your words will return as if from heaven itself. Your testimony will never leave your children.”
and, that's all i got for you.

i'm doing a preschool at a nursing home this morning-- it's my first time.

wish me luck.
and, jakob is having his 13 birthday party tonight-- we invited 20 kiddos.
wish me luck.
and, todd is taking drew salmon fishing-- for the first time.
wish him luck.
and, i think lily has a bladder infection-- she was up all night saying "i'm still hurting, i think i'm going to die."

wish her luck.

and, my sweet baby is into EVERYTHING.  she is one of those lovely destructo children who empties every shelf, throws every toy, unrolls every toilet paper roll, splashes in the toilet (did i tell you leah is afraid to flush?  yeah, not a good combo)... and that's just during the day!
at night she is still a BEASTLY baby.
i am certain she has never slept 3 hours straight in her life...
wish her luck.
tomorrow the boys are going igloo camping
and i'm having ellie's half birthday with a house full of nine year olds...
on saturday--
i'm taking a NAP.
today i could use a cup of coffee.  :)

ps.  i'm making homemade valentines this year...
here are a couple--
on anna's i bought gummie hamburgers at the dollar store that i'm stapling to them.

on jakob's i bought little swedish fish packs.

i'll show you the rest when we finish them up!
these were easy to do on picnik and i can print out 20 for $3.00 at rite aid.

cheap, fun, and easy-- (i'm returning to my days of a craft slut.)
have a great day!

through my lens.

after writing a comment (or three) on my friend's blog about my efficient laundry system,
i found myself in my own small laundry room surrounded by a mountain of laundry.

should i admit that those are CLEAN clothes?
i had just put lily down for her nap and was supposed to be embarking on my own quiet, movie watching, laundry folding marathon..
didn't happen.
knowing HOW to do something doesn't always transfer to actually "gittin er done".

perhaps i should say, as i am "gittin er done", life happens.

and life is not laundry.

i thought i'd snap a picture to show her how my pile of clothes was just about bigger than my youngest child.

and then i just kept taking pictures...

of my fish making five year old.

and Daizie Pinky Pan-a-cake (who sometimes wishes she was back at the humane society).

how they all migrate to me when i walk into the room and make me feel like a superstar.

can i have an orange mom?

teething.

full of wonder...

ooh... where is that orange eating five year old?

and her trusty side-kick?

look mom!  i can cut by myself!

(my kids have skills... and safe knife choices.)

speaking of trusty side-kicks...

daizie looks at me with her puppy dog eyes before she runs from the baby monster...

she is so fast she is blurry in almost every picture i take without a flash inside my house.

that baby is a mover!

leah teaching daizie not to run from the baby...

what a sweet doggie.

my laundry isn't finished... and my windows are dirty.

i don't know why?

can i ride my bike?

in the oregon rain?

how i love being a mother.

there is joy seeing my life through a lens.

my laundry didn't get finished.

it never will.

laundry, it will be there tomorrow.

these babies won't.

how i will miss them...

life is good.