Our topic is "letting Christ define our worth."
It is interesting to me, and not at all coincidental, that I find myself questioning and redefining my own worth at this time.
Yesterday I took anna, eve, and my nephew. We rode the metro and toured DC.
It was patriotic, and fun, and long.
I had a chance to see a different reality.
To see a DC that is similar, yet much different from how I remember it as a child.
But mostly, I saw people.
And I saw myself through their eyes.
At the smithsonian I saw a frazzled mother of many herding her children from exhibit to exhibit. She had a pasted smile on her face that was familiar. She scooped up her about five year old, twice, as she tried to watch the movie we were watching.
I felt her pull - love the one amidst the many.
I did NOT think her life looked fun or magical or enviable... Just hard.
I took a picture for a cute gay couple. I'm pretty certain they are gay. But, it is sad that every time I see two handsome men together I assume they are gay...
Anyway, we kept running into each other and I kept thinking how nice they were.
When i think of gay people I remember my college roomates father who had left her mother for another man. He was a kind, struggling soul. He was always in the hospital because homosexuality is not healthy. I hope those two men are happy.
I saw so many fancy, working women on the metro. I wondered if any of them had kids. I thought how fun it would be to intern in DC as a college kid.
I remember people encouraging me to wait to get married and I thought they were crazy.
Now I understand where they were coming from...
I do not have fancy clothes.
I can't do much besides care for my home and my family.
My life is completely devoted to my marriage, my children and my home.
The honest truth is, I struggle to find much time for myself at all.
I try every day to be the best at what I do...
And sometimes I wonder... Do I even want to be the best crazy mom?
Would I rather be the best journalist?
The best politician?
The best author?
The best world traveler?
What would my life have been like if I had gone to Georgetown instead of BYU?
What would my life have been like if I had not gotten married at 20 and had five children by 30?
Today, I want to go shopping at a big northern Virginia mall.
I don't want to worry about budgets or finding seven coordinating "i love dc" T-shirts.
The more nights I don't have to cook for a small army the more repulsive the idea becomes to me.
What's the point?
I've seen the Lincoln Memorial.
Anna hasn't.
I don't really care about the smithsonian mineral exhibit. But, I knew drew would love it.
I can't wait to take him!
Anna told me, "I don't know why, but I just said a prayer at the Jefferson memorial."
I smiled. Because I prayed too... For our country, for my children, for me... That we will remember and be grateful for all that we have.
Anna's favorite? The first ladies dresses. They are my favorite too.
And, on the metro, surrounded by many, many, classy ladies, I pulled eve's pacifier out of her mouth and she exploded into giggles. Over and over.
Lot's of women were watching us.
I wondered if they had children.
I wondered where their children were as they were riding the metro home at 7pm?
I wondered if for a small moment they wondered what it would be like if they were in my shoes?
I think I would enjoy having hours to make myself look nice, make myself smarter, rest more, do less, exercise, get paid for my work, hire someone to do the monotonous tasks of life.
I think I would love that life. For a time.
But, I think that life would get old... I think I would seek meaning and purpose.
My little broken arm baby is sleeping beside my as I type this blog one fingered on my iPad.
I hear her soft breathing and I know.
If I didn't get married at 20 and have five kids by 30, I wouldn't have had her.
Sweet number seven at age 34.
And, she is worth it.
They are all worth every sacrifice I have made.
My life is REAL.
I don't know who has their name on my shoes, but I am KIND.
I work hard.
I love people.
I have learned to lay down my life for my friends... And I have many friends.
It is worth it.
My life is good.
And I may just take a trip to the mall anyway!
7 comments:
your life is good. . .and very worth it.
For sure it isn't a glamorous or easy life but it is wonderful!
You made me cry. I've had those same thoughts lately. Thank you, Jen. It is worth it. :)
Jen-
When are you coming home? I miss our "focused", enlighting talks! I really feel like our talks bring me closer to Heavenly Father. It's funny but I never realized it until you've been gone. have fun but hurry and then call me. My house really misses you too. I CAN NOT clean and stay focused! i don't know what is wrong with me. Habits are hard to break. But this is a good one so I better keep doing it!
tell you sister that her baby is adorable!
We LOVE your "random and unedited" thoughts... You are so real about your life and your family. That's what we love about you. Motherhood IS hard. Marriage IS difficult some days... Life in general is no picnic sometimes... But, they are ALL worth it! You show us that in every blog, Jen.
Keep having fun in DC. Give the girls a hug. Come home soon!
Safe travels...
I liked this post. I was one of those women you were thinking about on the metro. i used to watch moms crowd on the train, and wonder how hard it was to take a kid into that craziness day in and day out. Many of the people on that train dont expect to be in DC forever, they are there for a while (I thought I was, and stayed 'temporarily' for 16 years). But in my head it was always temporary, until I found a real life. To me -- and to many --life there had/has great meaning, however. DC is a one company town--government. There is a sense that things matter (and they do), even if DC is a distorted lens on the world. Now you are at an age where you start to see the divergent lives people on different paths lead (I remember it well, when my friends started to become well-paid successful docs and lawyers, etc), while I still struggle on non-profit salaries. We all could have chosen different paths. The trick is to embrace what we have, to strive to do what we can for those we love (understanding sometimes the answer to that is 'nothing'), to help create a better world for the future. You do that in many, many ways - and more directly than many of us. Your family (including me!) is lucky you are who you are. Fancy shoes only get scuffed up anyway, and but helping a child smile can warm their souls for a whole lifetime. You could write a book. Think of the number of lives you would touch...
yeah, good point about that dc life also have great meaning.
i'm certain that there are many meaningful lives out there.
hopefully each of us is living a life full of meaning.
i noticed that i do have a pessimistic view of government.
i honestly equate government with soap operas-- i'm not sure when i lost that starry eyed view that one day i could be president.
and, i still do think i'll do something besides raise my family someday. i wonder if i'll loose that with age? i really think, once my youngest is in school i will do something... and in the mean time. i blog. maybe someday i'll write a book. i just have to figure out what it is that i have to say that people will want to hear... thanks for your fun comments!
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