full.

yup... this is my 42nd week of my 7th pregnancy.
i am big and round and full.
although i know birth is inevitable, today labor looms ahead of me like an unattainable "someday"

i'm tired, snippy, uncomfortable and a bit pessimistic.
and not contracting.

my body is bursting with baby. 
i don't believe i have EVER been this big... everything is tight, inside and outside.
don't you love it when you out grow your maternity clothes?
almost everything i wear, my belly is sticking out the bottom.

i got home from church DYING to take off my pantyhose that were bunched under my belly cutting off all my circulation.
i took them off and felt no relief-- it wasn't my pantyhose.

my body is tight and full and stagnant in this ripe condition.
for the past 3 weeks i have been ready...
my bags have been packed, my laundry has been done, my home and my children and my friends have been poised for the handing of the baton.

and now, the adrenaline is gone, the anticipation has waned.
i'm like the boy who cried wolf... or who never cried wolf... and the village has moved on to regular routine.
i've dug through my hospital bag finding things i need, so i'm sure i'll have nothing i need when the time comes.
visiting family members have come and gone.
my sister and nephew leave tuesday.
after this wait, i'm afraid the birth of this baby will be a bit anti-climactic.

and yet, i know it will be beautiful and perfect.
i know it, but i don't feel that way.
i just plain feel stuffed full and consigned to another day...

probably i'll be induced towards the end of the week
or maybe i won't

yes, i've tried EVERYTHING and i'm sick of trying stuff...
i don't think "going into labor on my own" should mean that i spend 3 weeks doing every weird thing i've ever heard of to try and self-induce labor.
i'm not sure that castor oil and enemas are any more "natural" than a pitocin drip.
(no, i haven't tried an enema yet... that was a recent recommendation)

thank you for your hopeful comments.
i'm not writing this post to solicit your condolences
I'M FINE.  just cranky and a bit pessimistic.
and, for the record, i KNOW why i've been induced 6 times.

and really, INDUCTION is GREAT.
really.
MAYBE you feel good after giving birth naturally...
but you feel like CRAP for 3 weeks BEFORE you give birth.
and you can't plan
or celebrate with family
or enjoy that "i'm having a baby tomorrow!!" feeling.
it's just this looming... it could be today, it could be 3 weeks from now... blah.

my friend was due 1 month AFTER me.
she had her baby on Saturday.

and, if you think i'm immodest for posting a picture of my bare belly-- i don't care.
and, if you think i'm whining-- you're right, i am whining... sorry.
i think i need to go take a nap.