today.

yes-- i'm on my way to the hospital.
i'm scared and excited.
can't wait to meet the little girl who has been with me all these months...

i think today is a perfect day for a birthday.

going into labor- the waiting stage.

I think I have officially arrived at a place in pregnancy I have NEVER been before.
Perhaps, I have really been here the past 3 weeks.
I believe it is called the first stage of labor-- 0-5cm dilated, effacing, minor contractions...
I'm still awaiting "active labor".

Because I have been so pregnant for so long, everybody (and their mothers) have told me their "going into labor" stories.
And boy, am I impressed.
America has many "Good Earth" stories...
Women who have hoisted their 2 year old on top of their pregnant bellies and walked for days in a dirt field to induce labor.
Women who have drunk a whole container of Castor oil, given themselves enemas, pumped breasts with no milk, enjoyed/endured intimacy with their husbands, taken labor inducing herbs, visited chiropractors/acupuncturists, cleaned their kitchen floors on their hands and knees, or have endured puking and diarrhea all for the sake of speeding their labor along.
I'm impressed at these sturdy, determined women.
Especially knowing that a 40+ week woman has the natural desire to rest... all the time.
Walking with a swaying pelvis is just plain uncomfortable- and many of the other labor inducing methods that women employ are much more uncomfortable.
American pregnant women are tough.  Really.

Me, I'm only tough on a whim.  Mainly, I'm hesitant.
I have tried just about everything that has been suggested to me.
Nothing has worked.
Perhaps I haven't done everything long enough or hard enough... or perhaps my body just doesn't react the same way that other women's bodies react.
Nonetheless, I am VERY impressed at the lengths women go through to induce labor "naturally".

For me, the past 3 weeks have honestly been a roller coaster of bodily reactions and emotions.
By FAR, it is harder for me to deal with the emotional ups and downs.
I am a planner.  I am organized.  I like to know what is happening and have everything ready and waiting.
For weeks, I have been poised and ready for a late night trip to the hospital.
Every time I get the laundry washed and put away I'm thinking "OK, now i am ready."
My suitcase is packed and waiting... only I don't have enough pajamas to keep the pair I wanted in the hospital packed for 3 weeks.
I've done the "stock the house with groceries so the kids have food while I'm in the hospital" trip- 3 times.
I've lived in the "maybe tonight" mindset.  And, I've woken up to "nope."  For many, many days.
It stinks.

I want to complain. 
I want people to know that it's hard for me to over due... 
But then, people start saying bad things about my doctor and how unsafe it is for him to let me go over.
They insinuate that they know better than me what is best for me.
For me, most people who know me well are supportive of my desire not to be induced. 
People who give me the hardest time live far away or don't really know the situation.
Blah.

Going overdue is, and always was, MY choice.
A choice I have not made lightly. 
A choice I have made not just because I am afraid of hospitals or because I am overly idealistic or uneducated.
I have given birth 6 times.  I know more about birth than most people.
I have been induced 6 times.
When I say I don't want to be induced-- I know why.
I know that it isn't that bad, and I know why it is that bad.
I have had 2 major surgeries-- emergency c-sections that have both saved the life of me and my babies, and put the life of me and my baby at risk.
I know what it is like to heal from vaginal deliveries and from repeated c-sections.

My doctor is helping me birth my baby the way I feel is best.
Ultimately, he has told me for the past 3 weeks that I could call him ANY DAY of the week and he would meet me at labor and delivery. 
I knew he would induce me.
BUT
I really, really want to experience labor.  Spontaneous labor. 
I want my body to tell me when I am ready, and when my baby is ready.
I trust my body. 

I believe that MANY, MANY of the complications that arise during birth happen because women do not experience birth the way we were DESIGNED to experience birth.
I love living in America.  I love the technological advances that we enjoy here.  But, look at the statistics-- one thing America does NOT do well-- managing BIRTH.  We are 30th in the world for infant mortality. 30th.  HELLO!!
Honestly, as I was reading many of the natural birth websites I was rolling my eyes.
People who tend to be more "natural" in their thinking, are also very contentious.  I hate the pessimistic attitude they develop towards the majority.  And, although I learned a lot from reading their literature, I frankly didn't feel that things were as bad as they claimed. 
BUT,
I have been VERY surprised as I started talking to pregnant women.
SO MANY of the pregnant women I know have scheduled c-sections, repeat c-sections, inductions.
Almost everyone I talk to is induced.
Women laugh that they are going to schedule their delivery on a certain day because their doctor is going out of town.
and there are SO MANY c-sections.
If women knew how much better it is to heal from a vaginal delivery NO ONE would CHOOSE a c-section.
NO ONE.
Women say "I can't breast feed because my breasts don't produce milk."  Or, "My babies are too big to deliver vaginally." 
"My sister couldn't deliver a baby, my mother was always induced.  We're just not made for birthing babies."
I know there are SOME exceptions, some abnormal women who might have a difficult time birthing or feeding their babies.  And, I would never want to belittle their experience.
But not MOST women. 
American women are capable of normal deliveries...  and, I am capable of a normal delivery.
I know I am. 
And, I'm CHOOSING to TRY.
Not just for me, I'm doing it for my daughters. 
I don't want them to think "my family can't go into labor."
I come from good child bearing stock.  Pioneer women who came to America and raised large families.
These women could birth children.
And, so can I.  And, so can my daughters.  And, so can other American women.

And so, I have chosen to wait.
To hope that I will eventually go into labor on my own.
That I will labor without drugs and deliver vaginally a healthy baby girl.
Maybe, this won't happen, and I am prepared for that.
But today, I have a choice, and my choice is to wait.
A choice I have made in partnership with a VERY experienced, wise, educated doctor.
The HEAD OB at Texas Tech. 
A man that writes papers and speaks at conferences on how it is SAFER for both mother and baby to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) instead of repeat c-section.
Safer especially for women like me, who gave birth 4 times vaginally with NO problems.
A DOCTOR, who sees the attitude of other doctors and mothers who are quick to hop into surgeries for labors that may be fine without emergency measures.
I thank God daily for my great doctor.

I am confidant, and grateful, and nervous, and excited.
I know that I am making the best choice for me and for my baby.
BUT
being 2 weeks overdue is still hard. 
And sometimes, I want to whine.
The emotional side of WAITING is for sure the hardest. 

Physically, it's just confusing.
I have read, listened to, and watched hundreds of birth stories.
I keep waiting for mine to be like theirs... but the truth is, birth stories don't usually start 3 weeks prior to birth.
And, if they do, I skim till I get to the real "LABOR" part.
For me, "LABOR" this far has been WEIRD and MILD and LONG...
I feel my body doing things, moving, squeezing, spreading...
I feel sore and tired and invigorated.
My blood and energy levels have been surprisingly high.
I really feel great most days... until my body just throbs.
I'm tired- but not as tired as I was less pregnant.
I sleep better than I have in months.  Aside from waking up each time I have to roll over or reposition.
The only real pains I have felt are shooting pains at the base of my belly, and a soreness as I walk.

I have dilated slowly, in 3 weeks I went from a 2 to a 4.  Although I felt stuck at 3cm dilation, my doctor felt that each time he checked me I showed marked progress-- in softening and effacing.  He kept encouraging me that I am doing something and labor is inevitable.  He has always felt that labor will come fast for me.
Why is it so hard for me to believe him?
Because my labor seems weird.
Mainly, my water hasn't broken and I'm not having contractions.
Yes, I feel crampy.  Yes, I feel like a I have a watermelon stuck between my pelvic bones.  Yes, I feel my body full of energy and movement and pressure.
But LABOR?  I don't know.

Yesterday, my doctor stripped my membranes.
I was cracking up.  When he stuck his hand inside me he I told him to be rough.  He was.
He said, "You're definitely a 4."  And I said, "Well, now I am."  He started laughing and I started laughing, and while he was ripping out my insides I said, "4...5...6..."
Just fyi-- internal exams hurt a bit worse when your whole body is shaking up and down from laughing.

I expected that after that exam, I would just go into labor. 
And, if not labor, then at least SOMETHING would change.
bloody show... cramps... contractions...
and, nothing.
i felt fine.
Actually, better than fine.  I felt good yesterday.
I drank some more Castor oil that afternoon-- like 2 tablespoons (don't tell my doctor, he's not a big fan of Castor oil). 
I was just hoping that I would feel SOMETHING different...
I went grocery shopping...
I was up at the school with cupcakes and ice cream...
NOTHING.
It's so weird.
I went to bed that night, not really washing all my makeup off my face "just in case"... again.
and, I was up most of the night with intense cramps.
maybe from my exam, maybe from the Castor oil, maybe the beginning of real labor.
I took a bath and blowed my hair dry-- just in case things were starting to pick up...

In the midst of my cramping, I did start to have some strong contractions in the middle of the night... maybe one an hour.
And these contractions have woken me up a bit- literally.
They've actually continued all day today, at random times.
Heavy, strong contractions at random times.
It's funny the joy I feel every time I feel this pain-- my body is doing something different!!
AND...
I have bloody, mucousy discharge.
Things are happening.
SLOWLY, but surely.

This is not how I imagined labor to be... and really, I know I'm not in "real" labor yet.
I imagined small, tight contractions that came 10 minutes apart and then gradually increased in intensity and length.
I imagined laying in my bed, or sitting in a chair and calmly breathing, relaxing through each contraction.
The contractions I'm experiencing are VERY hard to relax through, because they are random and surprising and intense.
Then, they go away for an hour, or half an hour, or two hours... weird.
My doctor just called me-- as I was writing this.
He assured me that every labor goes into regular contractions.
I just need to wait... 
The cramping, he thinks, came from my exam (but I didn't tell him about the Castor oil).
And, the bloody show and contractions are good signs.
He says I'm progressing and it WILL come to a point where I am feeling regularity.

And so, I wait... and hope.
He did say, "I know how much you want to do this on your own, but I really don't think you should go much past Monday if you don't start before then."
I feel good about checking into labor and delivery on Monday morning--  I just feel like my body is ready to have this baby.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow night...
but, if not...
I really know that I'll be easy to coax into a natural labor on Monday morning.

and so, this is my story.
As I've written this post, I've continued to feel random, strong contractions.
I love feeling my body work.
It is amazing to me.

I do have to add a random post-script here...
God and I have had an odd relationship the past few weeks.
I've been a bit mad at Him because He hasn't pushed my labor along faster than it has gone.
I wanted Him to help me go into labor when my in-laws were visiting... and He didn't.
And then, when my sister was here... still no.
On my nephew's birthday, on my birthday... nope. 
For the past 3 weeks, my body and God, were silent.
One night I was listening to my favorite spiritual hymns and was struck by the song, "I Stand All Amazed."
I grumbled to my husband, "You know, I'm not very amazed right now."
I know that God loves me.  And, I know that God can work miracles.
And, He hasn't. 
He's not AMAZING me right now.
(My husband never really knows what to do with me when I say something like that.)
And, I've kinda stuck with this attitude. 
I know God's there, but He's not choosing to WOW me right now. 
Love you, but I'm NOT standing all amazed.  :)

Today, I'm beginning to feel amazed.
But, not in the way I wanted to be amazed.
I wanted the parting of the Red Sea.
I prayed and God broke my waters... 
Instead, I'm experiencing the Grand Canyon... 
Quiet, gradual, beauty.
Years and years of Godly splendor, majestic engineering.
As I feel my body preparing for birth, my bones opening, my abdomen beginning to contract, the baby inside me wiggling into place...
I am amazed.
The past three weeks I have tried unsuccessfully to trick my body into labor-- and nothing has worked.
My body KNOWS when it is ready... my body is expanding and opening in a slow and steady rhythm all it's own.
My body is powerful... even if I've only felt a small taste of what it can do.
I am amazed at the strength and power of each tightening I feel.
God has not responded to my timetable, nor has he allowed my body to spontaneously contract when I push a certain spot on my calf.
BUT,
He made me. 
He designed me. 
He designed women and the process of creation, and the process of birth..
He blessed me with a body that creates babies, and carries babies for nine months, and births babies, and feeds babies... and this is AMAZING.

Today, I stand all amazed at the miracle that God has given me.
The miracle of womanhood, and birth...  that began centuries ago with Eve, the mother of all living, and continues today with me.
As I experience these beginnings of labor, I truly stand all amazed.
And, with each rush of preparation that I feel, I am humbled and grateful.
I imagine that is how I would feel near the Grand Canyon.
This process that I am experiencing is amazing-- a true miracle.
How grateful I am to be a women,
to be pregnant,
to have had a child in my womb for the past 43 weeks...
to have partnered with God in this creation miracle 7 times!
today I am humbled and grateful and amazed.

ps--  I laugh as I push publish post... who would actually READ this?
want to know the truth?  i love to read your comments and thoughts... love them.
BUT,
i don't write my blog for you... i write it for me.
because i sit in my chair and my head is spinning and i'm not really sure what i'm thinking or feeling or hoping for...
and then, i begin to write and things become more clear.
i see the hand of God in my life.
i understand why i'm confused and determined and excited and worried.
when i'm done with my writing, i know that i could delete the whole thing and just leave the last two paragraphs... but it is painful for me to do that, because then i'll loose my process.
and i really love remembering the hard along with the good.
So, if you read this... thanks.
I welcome you into my life.
And, if you roll your eyes at the seven page essays I write... I'm ok with that too.
Cause, I didn't write it for you.
just sayin.

april fools?!- updated.

I'm on my way to the doctors... I have no idea what he'll say.
Last week he said he wouldn't let me go past today.
I have a couple last minute ideas that i may try to induce labor on my own-- acupuncture, black kohash, running a mile.  :)

My kids are GREAT fools-- i already had a nasty experience brushing my teeth (I'm sure that my toothbrush was dipped in some nasty stuff).
They are telling everyone that I already had my baby... so beware.

Hope you have a great day!!  And, that I have a great day too... ;)

UPDATE--
so, i saw my doctor today.
i told him to be rough when he checked me.  :)
I was dilated 4 cm and he stripped my membranes.
(Just FYI-- with my first baby, it took me 12 hours on pitocin to get to a 4...)

Have I told you that I LOVE my doctor?!!
love. him.
he said everything looks good.  i'm healthy, the baby's heartbeat is strong and she is NOT a big baby.
he's not worried.
he would have had no problem sending me straight to labor and delivery.
he would have no problem if I wanted to show up in labor and delivery tonight.
he THINKS i will go into labor on my own tonight or this weekend.
He asked me what I wanted to do.

i told him-- it's my SEVENTH baby... i really, really, want to know what it is like to go into labor on my own.
BUT
i don't want to be dumb.
(my bags were packed in the car-- we had decided that if he thought I needed to be induced we would do it.)
but, he said that i was NORMAL (yeah, we laughed too) and that he didn't think there was ANY reason why I needed to be induced.
he said I am progressing and that I definitely will go into labor sometime soon.
i told him my husband (who was with me) might not be so excited about waiting another two days.
he said with a chuckle, "You already gave your husband six beautiful babies, and he's grateful.  On your seventh baby, you can decide!"
todd is FINE with waiting... but, i know he would be very fine if I decided to head to the hospital right now.
we decided to wait this weekend and go in at 7am on Monday morning if I haven't started on my own before then.
the doctor is pretty certain that he could just break my water and I'd begin contracting on my own...
or, that I would progress fast with just a little bit of pitocin.
so, even if I am induced, I can still do things pretty naturally.

Anyway... not that you needed to read my whole OB life history--
but- I am still pregnant.
sometimes contracting, but not contracting regularly.
Over 4 cm dilated.
and READY to have this baby.
today.
I really... really... really... want to go into labor today.
or tonight.
or tomorrow.
or Sunday.

but, if not...
then, we will have a baby on Monday morning.
MONDAY!!!
and, i am SO EXCITED to meet this little baby.
SO EXCITED.

Can you believe I'm going to have a BABY??!!!

aunt patti.

it was SO fun to have my sister visit...

isn't she cute?

although she didn't get to meet her soon to be newest neice, we decided it was good, because she really got to know my other kids.

I think much of our life we have felt very different from each other.

This week, we could see just how similar we are.
ESPECIALLY when it comes to parenting and loving kids.

I LOVE when other people LOVE my kids.

And, my sister-- she loves them just like I do.

So, I'm missing her these days, but looking forward to many more visits in the future.

And, my mom decided to come by for a visit while Patti was here...

Her schedule opened up a bit and she decided to stay till i have this baby.
So, I will have family here after all!!

Yes, I'm still pregnant.

I really don't believe I can be pregnant for much longer-- my body is about to explode with baby.

I'm more determined than ever to NOT be induced.

I know, you might think I'm dumb...  but, if the doctor can't show me a very real risk, i'm determined to wait it out.

IF i was going to get induced, I should have done it 3 weeks ago.
Now, I've waited this long, what is a few more days??
Seriously.

full.

yup... this is my 42nd week of my 7th pregnancy.
i am big and round and full.
although i know birth is inevitable, today labor looms ahead of me like an unattainable "someday"

i'm tired, snippy, uncomfortable and a bit pessimistic.
and not contracting.

my body is bursting with baby. 
i don't believe i have EVER been this big... everything is tight, inside and outside.
don't you love it when you out grow your maternity clothes?
almost everything i wear, my belly is sticking out the bottom.

i got home from church DYING to take off my pantyhose that were bunched under my belly cutting off all my circulation.
i took them off and felt no relief-- it wasn't my pantyhose.

my body is tight and full and stagnant in this ripe condition.
for the past 3 weeks i have been ready...
my bags have been packed, my laundry has been done, my home and my children and my friends have been poised for the handing of the baton.

and now, the adrenaline is gone, the anticipation has waned.
i'm like the boy who cried wolf... or who never cried wolf... and the village has moved on to regular routine.
i've dug through my hospital bag finding things i need, so i'm sure i'll have nothing i need when the time comes.
visiting family members have come and gone.
my sister and nephew leave tuesday.
after this wait, i'm afraid the birth of this baby will be a bit anti-climactic.

and yet, i know it will be beautiful and perfect.
i know it, but i don't feel that way.
i just plain feel stuffed full and consigned to another day...

probably i'll be induced towards the end of the week
or maybe i won't

yes, i've tried EVERYTHING and i'm sick of trying stuff...
i don't think "going into labor on my own" should mean that i spend 3 weeks doing every weird thing i've ever heard of to try and self-induce labor.
i'm not sure that castor oil and enemas are any more "natural" than a pitocin drip.
(no, i haven't tried an enema yet... that was a recent recommendation)

thank you for your hopeful comments.
i'm not writing this post to solicit your condolences
I'M FINE.  just cranky and a bit pessimistic.
and, for the record, i KNOW why i've been induced 6 times.

and really, INDUCTION is GREAT.
really.
MAYBE you feel good after giving birth naturally...
but you feel like CRAP for 3 weeks BEFORE you give birth.
and you can't plan
or celebrate with family
or enjoy that "i'm having a baby tomorrow!!" feeling.
it's just this looming... it could be today, it could be 3 weeks from now... blah.

my friend was due 1 month AFTER me.
she had her baby on Saturday.

and, if you think i'm immodest for posting a picture of my bare belly-- i don't care.
and, if you think i'm whining-- you're right, i am whining... sorry.
i think i need to go take a nap.

progress???

friday- 39 weeks (two weeks ago)
dilated- "just about a 3"
effaced- 50%
head- engaged
comments- "we'll schedule you for next week, but i don't think you'll make it that long."

saturday- contractions and massage... i think my massage popped the baby out of my pelvis

friday- 40 weeks (one week ago)
dilated- "a solid 3"
effaced- 60%
head- low but not engaged
comments- "a very favorable cervix, i'll sleep with my cell phone by my head..."

friday- 41 weeks (yesterday)
dilated- "a real stretchy 3"
effaced- same
head- right there
comments- "we can schedule you, or you can wait-- it's your choice."
he doesn't want me to go much past april 1st.

my in-laws have come and gone.
my sister leaves tuesday.

i feel good.
if it weren't for family leaving i wouldn't be so upset about not going into labor yet.
i had about 3 hours of regular contractions (last wednesday- after eating castor oil)
not really anything since then.
right now, it feels unreal...  honestly, i can't even imagine going into labor.
i think i've just consigned myself to continued waiting... and it's not too bad.
it has been SO fun visiting with family...
sad that NO ONE is going to get to meet this new baby.

progress??
yeah, i don't know about that.
3...3...3......
another day, another week...

castor oil?!

hmmm.  i woke up around 2:30 am with contractions.
they don't hurt, but are about 5 minutes apart.

i'm thinking this could be labor...
or just the side effects of drinking CASTOR OIL last night... twice.
(my sister bought it for me and fixed me a nice root beer/castor oil shot)

we'll see.
i keep trying to go back to sleep, but i can't help glancing at the clock every time i feel my tummy tightening.
seriously, if castor oil really puts me into labor i'm going to laugh.
the pharmacist at walgreens said, "Yeah, we have some.  But, it doesn't really work... that's just an old wives tale." 
i told him, "if you were a week overdue with your seventh child you might try an old wives tale yourself."

for now, it's fun just feeling SOMETHING different.
i'm not convinced it's truly labor until they are stronger... but, i am pleasantly surprised to feel them NOT going away- and regular.
maybe castor oil is my new BFF?!!

ps.  you know as soon as i write this post my contractions are going to stop and i'll spend the rest of the morning on the toilet regretting the castor oil decision.
so, i'm really trying NOT to get my hopes up.
for sure i am NOT in labor yet.
just smiling and wondering...  and thinking those old wives MIGHT have known a thing or two.

UPDATE-- i went back to bed after writing this post.  i knew that real labor would not go away if i tried to sleep.  and... my contractions stopped.  So, no baby yet.  But... I'm beginning to believe it is possible.
Maybe i'll have castor oil again for lunch.  :)

i should also note that i didn't take a lot of castor oil-- and, in a small, warm glass of rootbeer i couldn't taste anything.  (it was like drinking soda with a teaspoon of vegetable oil in it.)  I haven't felt sick to my stomach or rushed to the toilet at all... maybe i didn't take enough to make me sick.  BUT, i did have a good 3 hours of contractions.  i KNEW as soon as i wrote it down they would go away.  blah.  [april fools!]

april's fool.

Thank you SO much for your words of encouragement.
Really, it helps.
And, Ann-- you've given me some HOPE that I really can go into labor even though i'm not feeling contractions...  THANK YOU ALL!!

Yesterday i decided that i'm going to just PLAN on having my baby April 1st.
If she decides to come before that, it will be a nice surprise.
Part of my anxiety had come from the fact that we had last minute visitors last week-- they came to help with my birth and left yesterday morning with no baby.
isnt' that sad?!
My sister and nephew got here last night!
She leaves the 29th.
I keep telling her, she is here for a nice visit, but may not meet this new baby.
Since she'll probably be born on April 1st.

Here are my Top 10 Reasons that April 1st is a great day to birth a baby.
1.  It's my birthday.
2.  It's my oldest daughter, Anna's birthday.
3.  It's my sister in law's birthday.
4.  It's a fun day for a birthday.
5.  Most of my other kids are born on the 1st of the month.
6.  Being more than 2 weeks overdue, my baby will certainly be ready.
7.  Um, I won't be disappointed every day till then thinking "this would be a great day for a baby."
8.   She'd be an Aries.
9.  It would be a funny story.
10.  Um, because really unless I'm induced I have no control over when this baby comes.

So, here's to April 1st.
and two more weeks.  :)

nope.

no baby yet.

i'm walking (one foot on the curb and one foot off)
and eating spicy food
and loving my husband
and telling my baby today would be a great day to meet
and invisioning a flower opening
and...
feeling full and a bit hopeless.

every night i hope that i will be awakened with a gush of water OR contractions that i can't sleep through
and every morning i wake up realizing that i am one more day OVER DUE.

i'm still having NO contractions.
which is not to say that i feel good.
nope.
my body is achy and sore and ready to birth this baby.

maybe today?!

note- my doctor says he will let me go until April 1st without being induced.
i'm unsure if i can make it till April 1st without going insane.
i think i can... i think i can... i think i can...

joseph smith said, "there is no pain so awful as that of suspense..."
hmm.  i happen to agree with him.

creating.

i copied this picture from pioneer woman's website.
i am SO EXCITED to meet my baby.

and, although i've complained plenty about STILL being pregnant--
i should add, i LOVE being pregnant.
it is AMAZING feeling a baby inside of you.
being a partner with God in creating a miracle-- 7 times over.
last night i wrote letters for my kids to read when i'm in the hospital.
i thought about birthing each of them.
from the first moment they enter this world, actually INSIDE the womb, they are individuals.
they move differently.
they cry uniquely.
they make the same darling expressions at birth that i see them make today when they are concentrating.

the nine months that i carry another spirit around with me, are nine months that i am learning about this baby and feeling her.
this baby inside my womb now is mild.
she is gentle and noble.
i feel her and i love her and i'm so grateful for the time that we have spent together.

i'm also continually amazed at my body.
i make babies.
my body is strong.
my blood held out-- nine months with NO transfusions.
always, right before birth, my hematocrit increases.
my body is preparing.
and, after birth, my blood levels are good-- even though I have lost blood.
miraculous.

my back is strong-- i have only had minor back aches-- isn't that amazing? 
I have carried seven babies and my body is still strong.
i have no stretch marks-- it's just the skin type i inherited from my mother.
i do have 3 major scars on my tummy from 3 life threatening surgeries-- one surgery i had as a teenager, where they removed 3 ft. of my intestine, and 2 emergency c-sections.
amazing.
they have cut into my abdomen 3 times and still i can expand to carry a baby.
and, my belly is beautiful.

my pregnant body is the most beautiful i ever am.
although i'm carting around a bunch of extra weight, my body is tight and full and rounded.
my husband always rubs my belly sticking out from my pjs- he says, "I'm going to miss your belly."
i tell him, "It will still be here after the baby is born, just a bit more squishy."
After pregnancy bodies are squishy and nurturing and motherly.
pregnant bodies are tight and beautiful.
i will miss this. 

During the past few weeks i have felt my bones shifting.
My hips are opening... it is hard to walk, i have the definite pregnant waddle.
it is amazing to me.
i can feel my body preparing for birth.
opening, widening, becoming more flexible and ready.
isn't it incredible that our bodies are designed to birth a baby?
and feed a baby.

i know the joy that fills the room when a baby is born.
the veil is thin.
i often feel the spirits of those that i love who have passed on.
i imagine them holding my daughter-- saying good bye and handing her off to me.
i imagine these days of preparing, she is preparing also.
saying goodbye, getting last hugs, blessings, and advice for her journey here on earth.
i am so excited to meet and cuddle this newest baby.
i feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity.
it is an honor to be a mother, to be trusted to love and nurture and teach another one of God's children.
i'm so grateful to be a woman.
a woman who has created babies.
i'm grateful for my body.
i'm grateful for God's plan-- that He lets me partner with Him in creating.

i LOVE being a mother.
my children amaze me daily, and i am humbled by their goodness.
how blessed i am.
some days i whine about my part... but EVERY DAY i am in awe of His part.
motherhood is divine.
pregnancy is miraculous.
i am grateful for one more day.
ps.  i think it's funny that my pregnancy calculator still says 1 more day.
I think it will stay on 1 more day till i deliver.
and, so will I.
Today is the day.  right?!

due.

remember last friday?
when my doctor told me, "We'll make another appointment for next Friday, but you won't make it till then."



he lied.

the art of waiting.

nope- not me. i'm bigger. without fake nails.

i feel like i'm in a twilight zone.
it's peaceful.
and exciting.
and scary (if i let myself go there).

my body is doing things beyond my control.
i feel great forces at work-- like the rumblings of a volcano about to erupt.
sometimes i cry at odd times (just quiet tears coming out my eyes)
sometimes i find myself walking in circles. (not panic, just restless)
sometimes i need to talk through my strong emotional waves.
my rumblings are not external-- they are very internal.
a quiet intensity i can feel in my veins.
i know, something is happening.

i'm intrigued by sleep.
i have slept better the past two nights then i have my whole pregnancy.
dead- rejuvenating sleep.
and slept at weird times.
i'll be up and happy and this tired fog will come upon me quickly.
i smile to my sweet husband and say with blurred speech- i think i'm going to lay down.
an hour or two later i wake up... in awe.
napping is not something i have been able to do this pregnancy.
the past two days i have felt my body preparing.

on Friday, my OB said I was 3cm dilated and 60% effaced.
the baby's head is engaged but still high.
he scheduled an appointment for next Friday, but said,
"I'm pretty sure I'll see you before then.  Do you have my cell phone number?"
hmm...

i know what "contractions" feel like.
those are the things that come at night when i'm watching tv.
it's like the blowing up of a balloon...
i feel my tummy tightening, tingling and becoming hard.
after a few minutes, it relaxes and deflates.
i know that feeling.
i'm not feeling that these days...

i feel very crampy-- tummy ache cramps.
solid pressure, movement, heaviness.
sometimes, it takes my breath away.
sometimes, my tummy is contracted.
i imagine if i was in the hospital, hooked up to monitors, they would be telling me "you're having a contraction, can you feel that?"
but, i'm still not feeling the tightening and loosening that i know as "contractions."

i believe this is phase one.
and, i've never been here before.
i'm certain that i will know when things get moving.
i think things will move quickly.
until then, i am enjoying the rumbling...
and the mental preparation.

i held a 5 week old little girl at church yesterday
i melted.
i can't believe i'm having a baby.
someday.

today, i'm waiting... and experiencing... and enjoying my other six distractions
and reading Fablehaven (my boys passed in on with high recommendations)
and resting.
and cleaning, again.
and experiencing this leg of the journey.
 we'll see where I go from here.

ps.
it's spring break.
the professor and i compiled a list of fun/free things we can do with our kids each day...
need some ideas?
here's our list... (it is NOT profound)
make cookies
paint a picture
get out the play-doh and have the whole family play
do a big puzzle
play board games, or card games, or farkle
leave the house once a day
go on a family bike ride
go to the park
bring fishing poles, and corn and go fishing in the lake by the park
fly a kite
visit a pet store
go to the mall, let the little girls play at the play place and give the big kids $5 to spend (in pairs)
have a picnic
go play tennis
throw a Frisbee
set up some targets in the back yard and let the kids shoot arrows at it
go on a hike
make ice cream sundaes or home-made blizzards
have a paper airplane throwing contest
paint fingernails
go to the library
play with friends
go swimming at the gym
i believe i'll be doing more of the nail painting and the professor will be doing more of the bike riding...
although, a little bike ride might be just what my body needs...  :)
what's on your list?

still pregnant.

still pregnant.
not very bloggy.

my sister-in-law sent me an email with the words to a church song she felt i could appreciate.
I've been singing it to myself all week.

Come, come ye saints
no toil nor LABOR fear
But with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.

Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
’Tis not so, all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your LOINS; fresh courage take;
Our God will never us forsake,
And soon we’ll have this tale to tell,
All is well! All is well!

Today, all is well.
We'll see what tomorrow brings!

getting ready.

This weekend I finished painting my changing table and cradle.

We are setting up a little corner for the baby in our master bedroom.

It's sweet.

I washed all my baby clothes and blankets and filed all my larger-sized baby clothes into my baby tupperwares for later months.

(I have to keep my house "show ready"- so I'm pretty quick with clutter these days.)

As I was piling all my 0-3 month stuff I was pleasantly pleased-- a sweet little anticipatory pile-- not to big, not too small.

i love it.

i still need to sew some bedding for my cradle, maybe sew a skirt for my changing table, and pick up a few nursing bras and other first month baby stuff... but i'm DEFINITLY almost ready. 

and DEFINITLY nesting.

Have you heard of the MOBY?

you can see one on Amazon here...
I've never used a wrap. 
I tend to just hold my babies-- unless we're out.  And then I use the carseat or a baby bjorn-- I have LOVED my baby bjorn.
But, I'm interested in the baby wraps.
I know I can make one easy enough-- but is it really HOT and uncomfortable over all your clothes?
This is my only concern-- let me know what you think.

third trimester preparations.

There is one thing that I find magical about pregnancy, and that is how well the last trimester prepares you for life with a newborn.  As your belly grows, your body naturally slows down.  You have less energy and thus begin to sit more, lay down in the afternoons, gravitate to bed when your children are sleeping...

Night time sleep is not what is once was.  Being 8 months pregnant and tired, I am amazed again at how difficult it is for me to sleep.  First of all, it's hard to find a comfortable position for too long.  Second, I'm hot.  Third, when I do find that perfect position, my mind seems to race with baby names or lists of things I need to do before the baby comes, or ways that I can apologize to my sweet older children for my cranky retorts of the day.  I often find myself awake in the middle of the night staring at the clock... 1:07am, 4:12 am, 5:15am, etc. 

The truth is, I LOVE this.  Why?  Because I KNOW it is all part of the plan.  There is something perfect about a third trimester mother gently transitioning into slower days and less rest at night... a PERFECT preparation for the day when a newborn will nap throughout the day and graze throughout the night.  Although it is difficult, it is preparatory.  And, I think it's beautiful. 

I really, really adore evening babies.  There is something magical about waking up at 2am with a precious, wide-eyed baby.  When the whole house is quiet aside from the occasional sleeping sound or laugh from another room.  And, it's just me and my suckling baby and dreams of tomorrow.  I LOVE night time babies. 

I love waking up as I try to roll over with a 8 month belly, all tangled in my blankets.  I love the quiet of the night-- with all my kids asleep and safe.  My husband's funny night sounds-- he closes his lips just enough so that you can hear them flapping as he breathes in and out.  I love how he always cuddles close to me if I reach out to him.  I love the stillness of my spirit in the middle of the night, and how any time i think of my baby she will kick back at me.

There is something nice about that day when you wake up realizing that you have actually slept through the night-- a whole 8 hours, without any interruptions.  (This takes awhile-- because even if my babies are good sleepers, I still sleep shallow enough to hear them if they do squirm in their sleep.)  Sleep is good.  But so are quiet nights, when you are alone amidst those you love... preparing for change. 

The ironic thing about this post is that I have babies that quickly sleep through the night.  Often, I find myself holding my sleeping baby, knowing that she would sleep well if I would just lay her down... and I do.  But, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY love that time we get to spend together. 

And, just FYI-- I do not sleep with my babies.  I did this with my first four kids and I created children that could not sleep on their own.  Our nights were horrible.  Our intimate life suffered-- first, because we were always tired from not sleeping well and second, because we never really had time alone.  Now, I have a small bed in my bedroom where my babies sleep for the first 3 months or so.  I'm very good at waking up and caring for my baby and putting her back to sleep in her own bed, all swaddled and perfect.  My babies sleep on their tummies.  (Even the NICU nurses put my babies on their tummies-- this is the only way they will sleep for a long time.)  And, I love the Baby Wise philosophy--  Eat- Awake- Sleep, Eat- Awake- Sleep.  But, I think the BabyWise book is a bit extreme.   Remember, I'm not good at extremes.  And, I don't believe children are ruined by inconsistency.  So, some days my kids snuggle in.  Sometimes, my babies cry in their cribs.  Sometimes, I hold them all night long and never lay them down.   Sometimes, I rub their back until they fall asleep and MOST of the time, I swaddle them and lay them down awake so they can peacefully fall asleep and learn to fall asleep on their own.  I'm also NOT a pacifier mother.  When my babies are hungry, I feed them.  When they are tired, I put them to sleep.  I think most babies are fussy when they need something and content when they are taken care of.  Saying that, I probably should have used a pacifier with some of my more fussy kids-- oh the hours I spent rocking those little stinks. 

Have I told you how excited I am to meet this new little girl?
She'll probably have colic and cry all night long and I'll read back on this post and laugh at myself...
but, that's life!
Right now, I love to feel how we are making room for another...  it's a growing process, but a really fun transition time.

sibling class.

i took drew, anna and ellie to a class at UMC for Super Siblings.

it was free, and a fun way to spend Saturday morning.
they taught the kids how to hold a baby, change a diaper, and do the hospital swaddle.

they also showed a video that showed what a newborn baby would look like and things that siblings can do to help with a new baby.

NO, i wouldn't say this class was AMAZING-- but, it was something fun to do to help my bigger kids feel prepared.

(Drew was darling, he did ask me if he had to get a baby doll- the teacher gave them all an option- when i said yes, he really got into it...  boys like dolls-- just let them blame it on you that they HAVE to and they'll be fine.)

we toured the labor and delivery and got to see the new babies in the nursery...

it made me want to work in the post partum unit-- helping mom's adjust to their new babies.

AND, part of me just wanted to change into a hospital gown and meet my new baby...

i'm SO excited.

and so are my kids!

who are now, diaper changing, baby swaddling EXPERTS-- just ask them, they took their class VERY seriously.

still sewing.



8 months and counting...

this picture makes me laugh.
and, i actually had to run to TWO stores with my thready belly...
luckily they were craft stores and i think the nice ladies understood.
black might not be the best color to wear for a day of crafting with your kids.
and check out that belly!!
oh baby!

sweet, sweet baby...

oh my!!

i had another ultrasound today and i'm DYING...

this baby is SO, SO cute!

seriously.

i can't wait to hold her and snuggle up with her and get to know her.

honestly, THIS is why i have so many kids.

i LOVE them.

i love babies.

i love my cute toddlers.

i love my emotional bigger girls.

i love my funny pre-teen boys.

(today, i'm SURPRISING my bigger girls with a trip to see Justin Beiber's movie... 

they'll be SO excited!! 

I am so excited!!)
i can't think of anything i'd rather be doing with my life...
nothing.

the professor and i bought some fresh bread, a lobster tail and a clump of crab legs from a local grocery store. 
we had them cooked for us, and brought them home for a fun, inexpensive, DELICIOUS, lunch.
the whole time at the store, my lily was sucking her thumb with her other hand on her forhead (just like the ultrasound pictures that we had shown her.)
she kept saying, "see, i baby."
cute.
my leah kept telling everyone who walked by, "my mom got pictures of the baby in her belly..." 
which was fine because i loved an excuse to show them off.
while we were sampling the fresh bread, a sweet hispanic woman came up to me with both hands on my belly and asked when i was due.
i LOVED it. 
she was darling and i was so excited to tell her about my 5th baby girl and show her the pictures.
nope, i don't mind at all when people touch my belly... i think it's sweet.

life is good.

and seriously, isn't that the cutest ultrasound baby you have EVER seen?

we are so blessed.

boy o boy.

we had an ultrasound today
and, boy oh boy, we were SURPRISED!!!

so were the nurses...
because we brought the professor, my mother, and the four oldest kids.
we all took bets on the sex of the baby.
the professor was sure it was a girl.
my mom, and my girls voted girl...
me and the boys voted boy...
so it was 4 girls to 3 boys.

AND...
WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!!!

can you believe it?
i'm going to have 5 GIRLS!!

i'm so excited...  SO excited.
and, completely at peace.
i do still feel like i have a little boy... maybe #8.
or maybe not.
but, a girl at this time feels so right.
the thought of having a boy and moving the next month was scaring me...
i know it may sound irrational, boys are not that different than girls.
but, i know girls.  i have pink baby stuff and blankets and bedding...
my boy stuff is 10 years old, and uncertain.


between deciding yesterday on Oregon State, and seeing my sweet little baby girl...
there is a peace in my life that i have been yearning for.
i can do this!
i am so blessed.
and... i LOVE the thought of planning 5 weddings.
and getting to know 5 different women...
and training 5 future mothers.
and, it's just so much nicer changing little girl diapers.
(just sayin')
i LOVE little girls.
really, girls are my FAVORITE.
i enjoy my boys.  they are great kids.
but... there is something special about little girls.

and so, i'm SUPER EXCITED!!
i can't wait to find 5 coordinating Easter dresses!
And how fun to sew another little girl quilt...

just so you know...
we DEFINITELY decided to be SURPRISED!!!!
(i think this was my biggest surprise ever... but, i don't know, i was pretty surprised leah was a girl too...  when i was younger i wanted 12 boys... funny how life changes you.)

drew said, "mom, you really have to figure out how to make some boys."
i reminded him it was DADDY that decided boy or girl...  and honestly, the professor LOVES little girls.
he's been hoping for a girl from the beginning...
5 GIRLS!!
and i HAVE NO IDEA what we are going to name her... no idea at all...

after the ultrasound we all went to an Indian restaurant for lunch...
can you believe i'm moving to Oregon AND having a GIRL?? 
i guess i understand my crazy HORMONES.
life is good.

hormonal.

i bought this book for 25 cents at goodwill.
(you can buy it for 25 cents on amazon...)  
i love regency romances...
where there is a rich duke, a strong-willed heroine,
and they kiss on the last page.

easy reading, fun banter, happy endings.
i can handle that, even pregnant.
or so i thought.

during naptime this afternoon, i started reading...
and i found myself SOBBING.
like 4 times.
for real.
wiping tears from my face.
both from the desperate plight of this regency heroine,
and from the complete joy as her and the man she loved shared their first real kiss together.

REAL TEARS.
oh my... 
hormones are flying around these parts.
beware.