eve's birth story.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I was 42 weeks and 3 days overdue with my seventh child.  I had been dilating and having random contractions (not more than one an hour) for the past 3 weeks.  I really, really wanted to go into labor without being induced-- so I was not excited on my trip to the hospital.  I had been induced on my previous six births.  The first four I delivered vaginally with an epidural, and my last two were emergency c-sections.  I had a wonderful doctor who was willing to attempt a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 c-sections)... and I was hopeful, but nervous.  I knew that my best chance for avoiding another c-section was to not be induced, and to not have an epidural.  In preparation for a natural childbirth, Todd and I had ordered hypnobabies home study kit around Christmas time.  We were pretty good at studying together and I listened to a hypnosis track almost every night in the months leading up to this day.  I was never fully converted to hypnobabies-- I'm not a big "light switch" fan and I had a hard time feeling that any of my visualization techniques were really helping.  I was very hesitant to tell people that we were planning on using hypnosis during birth.  I discussed things casually with my doctor but was hesitant to present him with my birthing plan because I didn't want to be offensive to him.  And, I was NOT going to post a sign on my labor and delivery door announcing a hypnobabies birth.  But, listening to the tracks was very relaxing and interesting to me and I really did do my hypnobabies homework.  I would say I was a hopeful, hypnobabies sceptic.  My husband on the other hand LOVED hypnobabies.  He would often listen to the relax track to fall asleep at night.  He was a firm believer and told anyone who would listen about the program.

7:15 am-- We arrived at the hospital.  I still wanted to change my mind about being induced and go home.  At the nursing station I told them I wanted to go natural and asked for a nurse that liked natural births.  The two nurses I got were very young.  One said she had only seen one other natural birth and that she thought it was neat.  I also had a student nurse ask if I minded if she watched.  She had never seen a live birth before.  I changed into my hospital gown and they hooked me up to an IV.  My doctor explained that because of my previous c-sections they were going to start out the pitosin very slowly. 

8:30 am-- They started dripping 1 mL/hour of pitocin into my arm.  I began having regular contractions about one every 10 minutes-- very light, but regular contractions.  After 30 minutes, he upped the pitocin to 2 mL/hour.  The nurse told me that for a VBAC they would not go over 20 mL/hour... for a regular induction they may go to as high as 30 mL/hour.  My doctor continued to up the pitocin one mL every half an hour.  He had a meeting at 11:30am and predicted that my baby would be born before then.  Everything was progressing so nice and slowly I told him I thought he would be able to go to his meeting.  Both my doctor and the nurses asked what I was listening to on my ipod.  I let them hear my "birthing day affirmation" track and Todd explained a little bit about hypnobabies.  My attitude was still, what can it hurt?

11 am-- This is the first time I was checked.  I was 6 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  They were dripping 6 mL/h of pitocin into my arm and I was having regular contractions.  I was listening to easy first stage hypnobabies track on my ipod.  And, this is where I sound weird.  I can honestly say that not only did my contractions NOT HURT, they felt good.  For real.  I had been wanting contractions so badly for the past month, that when I finally felt my body contracting I was so excited.  Before every contraction, I would feel this sensation wash over my body.  It was almost like getting the tingles-- and it felt good.  I knew I was about to have a contraction and I could prepare myself for the approaching tightening.  If I focused on breathing with my belly, I was able to alleviate any discomfort in my abdomen during the contraction.  And, the contractions were so regular that I always had time to rest and laugh with my husband and the nurses before I would feel another one coming on.  I kept thinking of my hypnobabies birthing day affirmations and laughing at myself "after each pressure wave ends you smile knowing you are closer to meeting your baby."  For real, that is how I felt.

12:15 pm-- My doctor was at a meeting and an on call doctor came in to check me.  On the monitor he could see that my baby's heartbeat was dipping low with each contraction.  I was 9 cm dilated and  fully effaced.  They had stopped increasing the pitocin and I was receiving 8 mL/hour.  This doctor felt that I was probably ready to deliver.  He said it was the fastest labor her had ever seen.  I felt like I still had some time.  Up to this point I was still REALLY enjoying my birthing experience.  I kept waiting for it to get hard.  The contractions were getting harder to manage.  I really had to concentrate on what I was doing to be sure they didn't hurt.  I wish I could remember more of what I was thinking, but I can say I never hit "transition" where I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.  It really wasn't even that hard yet.  But I will say, it was around this time that I announced, "Do you remember those other labors when I said my epidural didn't work?  I lied."  I knew that the pressure I was experiencing was something that I had never felt in any of my previous births.  I kept listening to my ipod and breathing through the contractions.  I was waiting to feel my body telling me it was time to push... that never came.

My doctor came quickly from his meeting and checked me.  He said that I was very dilated and that the water sac was between my baby's head and my cervix.  I had no pressure on my cervix.  He was hesitant to break my bag of waters because he could not gauruntee that the cord wouldn't prolapse.  Because the baby's heartbeat was dipping with each contraction and she was still not engaged in my pelvic bone, he was pretty certain that she was tangled in her cord.  He told me it was time for me to push.

This was the only time that I went a little anxious.  I really had to pee.  I kept trying to get my doctor to let me go to the bathroom.  He told me to just pee, but that I couldn't get up because I had no cervix to hold my baby inside of me.  He wanted me to push and I was certain that I would be able to push better if he would let me sit on the toilet.  He was not so excited about delivering a baby on the toilet.  I also remember asking to take off my dumb blood pressure cuff.  He said that was fine, considering my blood pressure was so low.  And, I took off the oxygen monitor that was on my finger.  I really needed to concentrate with every contraction.  My student nurse had a friend that also wanted to watch my delivery.  I told them I didn't mind if they came in, but they could not talk at all.   My husband was very present, but very much an observer.  Once he tried the hypnobabies cue-- putting his hand on my shoulder and saying the word "Relax".  I started laughing, right in the middle of a contraction.  I just told him, "Thanks, but not so helpful."  We laughed together for a minute.

Many people say that they loved the pushing stage.  Not me.  It was by far the hardest part of labor for me, even though it only lasted about 30 minutes.  I had no pressure on my cervix, because of the big, bag of waters that was between my baby's head and my cervix.  Also, because I was laying down I really had no pressure at all on my cervix and no feeling to push.  My contractions were really strong and long and intense.  I felt nervous and confused.  My doctor told me to push and I did.  My husband said he could see the bag of water start to come out.  It really helped me to have him tell me what was going on.  My doctor said, "Jen, you really need to push now."   He was worried about the baby's dipping heart rate.  I pushed a few times and was really grunting as I pushed.  After I would grunt, I would apologize for being loud.  Everyone was laughing at me telling me not to apologize.  In between contractions I was worried that another laboring mother would hear me and be scared.  My doctor said, "Oh Jen, we put you far away from any other mother."  I think he was joking.  Another contraction and another push.  My doctor said, "Stop trying to breathe out the baby and just give me a big push."  I pushed big and the water came out.  Later my husband told me it looked like a baseball-sized, latex glove that was full of water that protruded out from my cervix.  The bag pushed out and then burst, in the next couple of minutes the head came out and my doctor said, "Slow down your pushing."  I remember just pushing hard and thinking, this does feel like a big poop.  I really didn't know what was going on so I appreciated my husband's narration-- "The head is right there.  Now the head is out.  Wow Jen, you did it."  I just pushed really hard.  When my doctor told me to go slow I thought, "Yeah right."  I pushed the water, and the head, and the body all in one push-- I didn't stop when the contraction ended.

1:22 pm-- Baby eve was born.  I just wanted to see her so bad.  They were untangling her from her cord and I could hear her cry.  They handed her to me and I just remember thinking how darling she was, and how I couldn't believe I had just given birth to her.  I really did it-- I was induced and didn't have an epidural.  As I held her I didn't feel this amazing great feeling that many people describe.  But, I just felt normal.  I didn't feel like I just had a baby, I felt normal and that was surprising to me. 

Delivering the placenta and getting my one stitch was probably worse than my whole labor.  It just hurt and I wanted to be left alone with my baby.  Eve was bright eyed and she nursed for 15 minutes on each side right after birth.  I was able to get up and go to the bathroom.  I stood by her when they weighed her and bathed her, and I felt good.  My husband was so excited.  He kept commenting about how amazing the birth was and how quickly I was up and at it.  The nurses said they had never seen a birth as calm as mine.  My doctor said, "You really have a high pain tolerance."  That made me laugh, because I don't. 

I couldn't believe that it was over.  I had given birth vaginally after 2 emergency c-sections without an epidural.  And, it wasn't even hard.  I think I was in shock.  I kept waiting for natural childbirth to be the excruciating pain that everyone talked about, and for me, it just wasn't that bad.  Pushing was frustrating but not horrible.  Later, my doctor told me that if he had broken my water I would have had to have another emergency c-section.  Eve was wrapped all up in cord, it was around her neck and her body.  Because the water was intact until miniutes before her birth, she was never laying directly on her cord cutting off her blood and oxygen supply.  Both of my previous c-sections were due to cord issues.  And, prolapsed cords due to artificial rupturing of my membranes.  My doctor said, "If you have another baby, do NOT let them rupture your membranes."  I am so grateful for a wise doctor who induced me slowly, and let me labor as naturally as possible. 

I also have to give credit to hypnobabies.  My birthing experience was beautiful.  I'm certain that hypnobabies played a huge role in alleviating my fears, keeping me calm, teaching me how to handle each pressure wave and re-programming my mind to feel joy not fear with each contraction.  Although sometimes I felt silly practicing my self-hypnosis, I really used each of the techniques I had learned about sometime during my birth experience (even the light switch).  I was grateful to have ideas of how to stay calm.  And, because I was induced and hooked to an iv, all of my laboring was done in a hospital bed.  Even though I was unable to move around, I was able to avoid pain by keeping my body calm and relaxed.  Today I would say my birthing experience was pain free.  But, I do remember thinking while I was laboring, "this is pain".  

How grateful I am for my birthing experience.

It was miraculous.
I gave birth vaginally after two emergency c-sections.

I was induced and still delivered without an epidural.

I never lost contol. 

I experience natural childbirth and enjoyed it.

I learned that childbirth is a beautiful, natural, gift.

My baby is perfect and I thank God every minute for her.

This is our story, and it is only the beginning. 

Eve Antonina

7 lbs. 8 oz.  20 inches

You can read my husband's account of eve's birth here- I am amazed.

You can read some of my experience being two weeks overdue here- going into labor- the waiting stage. 

welcoming eve.

my eyes are teary just looking at the 200 pictures i downloaded from baby eve's birth.

it was beautiful.

she is perfect.

i am overwhelmed with gratitude.

sometime soon I will edit my pictures, and write eve's birth story.

today, i am going to love up my new baby, take a nap, and spend every other moment LOVING my kids and superstar husband.

i have missed them so much, these past 9 months of pregnancy haze...

i don't think i've told you enough what a great man i have beside me- seriously-- i love that guy.

and my kids-- darling.

AND, i have a BABY!!

she's so tiny and precious and amazing.

i can't stop smelling her and looking at her and thanking God for blessing me so much.

yes-- i know why i have done this seven times.

there is no greater joy.

today.

yes-- i'm on my way to the hospital.
i'm scared and excited.
can't wait to meet the little girl who has been with me all these months...

i think today is a perfect day for a birthday.

going into labor- the waiting stage.

I think I have officially arrived at a place in pregnancy I have NEVER been before.
Perhaps, I have really been here the past 3 weeks.
I believe it is called the first stage of labor-- 0-5cm dilated, effacing, minor contractions...
I'm still awaiting "active labor".

Because I have been so pregnant for so long, everybody (and their mothers) have told me their "going into labor" stories.
And boy, am I impressed.
America has many "Good Earth" stories...
Women who have hoisted their 2 year old on top of their pregnant bellies and walked for days in a dirt field to induce labor.
Women who have drunk a whole container of Castor oil, given themselves enemas, pumped breasts with no milk, enjoyed/endured intimacy with their husbands, taken labor inducing herbs, visited chiropractors/acupuncturists, cleaned their kitchen floors on their hands and knees, or have endured puking and diarrhea all for the sake of speeding their labor along.
I'm impressed at these sturdy, determined women.
Especially knowing that a 40+ week woman has the natural desire to rest... all the time.
Walking with a swaying pelvis is just plain uncomfortable- and many of the other labor inducing methods that women employ are much more uncomfortable.
American pregnant women are tough.  Really.

Me, I'm only tough on a whim.  Mainly, I'm hesitant.
I have tried just about everything that has been suggested to me.
Nothing has worked.
Perhaps I haven't done everything long enough or hard enough... or perhaps my body just doesn't react the same way that other women's bodies react.
Nonetheless, I am VERY impressed at the lengths women go through to induce labor "naturally".

For me, the past 3 weeks have honestly been a roller coaster of bodily reactions and emotions.
By FAR, it is harder for me to deal with the emotional ups and downs.
I am a planner.  I am organized.  I like to know what is happening and have everything ready and waiting.
For weeks, I have been poised and ready for a late night trip to the hospital.
Every time I get the laundry washed and put away I'm thinking "OK, now i am ready."
My suitcase is packed and waiting... only I don't have enough pajamas to keep the pair I wanted in the hospital packed for 3 weeks.
I've done the "stock the house with groceries so the kids have food while I'm in the hospital" trip- 3 times.
I've lived in the "maybe tonight" mindset.  And, I've woken up to "nope."  For many, many days.
It stinks.

I want to complain. 
I want people to know that it's hard for me to over due... 
But then, people start saying bad things about my doctor and how unsafe it is for him to let me go over.
They insinuate that they know better than me what is best for me.
For me, most people who know me well are supportive of my desire not to be induced. 
People who give me the hardest time live far away or don't really know the situation.
Blah.

Going overdue is, and always was, MY choice.
A choice I have not made lightly. 
A choice I have made not just because I am afraid of hospitals or because I am overly idealistic or uneducated.
I have given birth 6 times.  I know more about birth than most people.
I have been induced 6 times.
When I say I don't want to be induced-- I know why.
I know that it isn't that bad, and I know why it is that bad.
I have had 2 major surgeries-- emergency c-sections that have both saved the life of me and my babies, and put the life of me and my baby at risk.
I know what it is like to heal from vaginal deliveries and from repeated c-sections.

My doctor is helping me birth my baby the way I feel is best.
Ultimately, he has told me for the past 3 weeks that I could call him ANY DAY of the week and he would meet me at labor and delivery. 
I knew he would induce me.
BUT
I really, really want to experience labor.  Spontaneous labor. 
I want my body to tell me when I am ready, and when my baby is ready.
I trust my body. 

I believe that MANY, MANY of the complications that arise during birth happen because women do not experience birth the way we were DESIGNED to experience birth.
I love living in America.  I love the technological advances that we enjoy here.  But, look at the statistics-- one thing America does NOT do well-- managing BIRTH.  We are 30th in the world for infant mortality. 30th.  HELLO!!
Honestly, as I was reading many of the natural birth websites I was rolling my eyes.
People who tend to be more "natural" in their thinking, are also very contentious.  I hate the pessimistic attitude they develop towards the majority.  And, although I learned a lot from reading their literature, I frankly didn't feel that things were as bad as they claimed. 
BUT,
I have been VERY surprised as I started talking to pregnant women.
SO MANY of the pregnant women I know have scheduled c-sections, repeat c-sections, inductions.
Almost everyone I talk to is induced.
Women laugh that they are going to schedule their delivery on a certain day because their doctor is going out of town.
and there are SO MANY c-sections.
If women knew how much better it is to heal from a vaginal delivery NO ONE would CHOOSE a c-section.
NO ONE.
Women say "I can't breast feed because my breasts don't produce milk."  Or, "My babies are too big to deliver vaginally." 
"My sister couldn't deliver a baby, my mother was always induced.  We're just not made for birthing babies."
I know there are SOME exceptions, some abnormal women who might have a difficult time birthing or feeding their babies.  And, I would never want to belittle their experience.
But not MOST women. 
American women are capable of normal deliveries...  and, I am capable of a normal delivery.
I know I am. 
And, I'm CHOOSING to TRY.
Not just for me, I'm doing it for my daughters. 
I don't want them to think "my family can't go into labor."
I come from good child bearing stock.  Pioneer women who came to America and raised large families.
These women could birth children.
And, so can I.  And, so can my daughters.  And, so can other American women.

And so, I have chosen to wait.
To hope that I will eventually go into labor on my own.
That I will labor without drugs and deliver vaginally a healthy baby girl.
Maybe, this won't happen, and I am prepared for that.
But today, I have a choice, and my choice is to wait.
A choice I have made in partnership with a VERY experienced, wise, educated doctor.
The HEAD OB at Texas Tech. 
A man that writes papers and speaks at conferences on how it is SAFER for both mother and baby to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) instead of repeat c-section.
Safer especially for women like me, who gave birth 4 times vaginally with NO problems.
A DOCTOR, who sees the attitude of other doctors and mothers who are quick to hop into surgeries for labors that may be fine without emergency measures.
I thank God daily for my great doctor.

I am confidant, and grateful, and nervous, and excited.
I know that I am making the best choice for me and for my baby.
BUT
being 2 weeks overdue is still hard. 
And sometimes, I want to whine.
The emotional side of WAITING is for sure the hardest. 

Physically, it's just confusing.
I have read, listened to, and watched hundreds of birth stories.
I keep waiting for mine to be like theirs... but the truth is, birth stories don't usually start 3 weeks prior to birth.
And, if they do, I skim till I get to the real "LABOR" part.
For me, "LABOR" this far has been WEIRD and MILD and LONG...
I feel my body doing things, moving, squeezing, spreading...
I feel sore and tired and invigorated.
My blood and energy levels have been surprisingly high.
I really feel great most days... until my body just throbs.
I'm tired- but not as tired as I was less pregnant.
I sleep better than I have in months.  Aside from waking up each time I have to roll over or reposition.
The only real pains I have felt are shooting pains at the base of my belly, and a soreness as I walk.

I have dilated slowly, in 3 weeks I went from a 2 to a 4.  Although I felt stuck at 3cm dilation, my doctor felt that each time he checked me I showed marked progress-- in softening and effacing.  He kept encouraging me that I am doing something and labor is inevitable.  He has always felt that labor will come fast for me.
Why is it so hard for me to believe him?
Because my labor seems weird.
Mainly, my water hasn't broken and I'm not having contractions.
Yes, I feel crampy.  Yes, I feel like a I have a watermelon stuck between my pelvic bones.  Yes, I feel my body full of energy and movement and pressure.
But LABOR?  I don't know.

Yesterday, my doctor stripped my membranes.
I was cracking up.  When he stuck his hand inside me he I told him to be rough.  He was.
He said, "You're definitely a 4."  And I said, "Well, now I am."  He started laughing and I started laughing, and while he was ripping out my insides I said, "4...5...6..."
Just fyi-- internal exams hurt a bit worse when your whole body is shaking up and down from laughing.

I expected that after that exam, I would just go into labor. 
And, if not labor, then at least SOMETHING would change.
bloody show... cramps... contractions...
and, nothing.
i felt fine.
Actually, better than fine.  I felt good yesterday.
I drank some more Castor oil that afternoon-- like 2 tablespoons (don't tell my doctor, he's not a big fan of Castor oil). 
I was just hoping that I would feel SOMETHING different...
I went grocery shopping...
I was up at the school with cupcakes and ice cream...
NOTHING.
It's so weird.
I went to bed that night, not really washing all my makeup off my face "just in case"... again.
and, I was up most of the night with intense cramps.
maybe from my exam, maybe from the Castor oil, maybe the beginning of real labor.
I took a bath and blowed my hair dry-- just in case things were starting to pick up...

In the midst of my cramping, I did start to have some strong contractions in the middle of the night... maybe one an hour.
And these contractions have woken me up a bit- literally.
They've actually continued all day today, at random times.
Heavy, strong contractions at random times.
It's funny the joy I feel every time I feel this pain-- my body is doing something different!!
AND...
I have bloody, mucousy discharge.
Things are happening.
SLOWLY, but surely.

This is not how I imagined labor to be... and really, I know I'm not in "real" labor yet.
I imagined small, tight contractions that came 10 minutes apart and then gradually increased in intensity and length.
I imagined laying in my bed, or sitting in a chair and calmly breathing, relaxing through each contraction.
The contractions I'm experiencing are VERY hard to relax through, because they are random and surprising and intense.
Then, they go away for an hour, or half an hour, or two hours... weird.
My doctor just called me-- as I was writing this.
He assured me that every labor goes into regular contractions.
I just need to wait... 
The cramping, he thinks, came from my exam (but I didn't tell him about the Castor oil).
And, the bloody show and contractions are good signs.
He says I'm progressing and it WILL come to a point where I am feeling regularity.

And so, I wait... and hope.
He did say, "I know how much you want to do this on your own, but I really don't think you should go much past Monday if you don't start before then."
I feel good about checking into labor and delivery on Monday morning--  I just feel like my body is ready to have this baby.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow night...
but, if not...
I really know that I'll be easy to coax into a natural labor on Monday morning.

and so, this is my story.
As I've written this post, I've continued to feel random, strong contractions.
I love feeling my body work.
It is amazing to me.

I do have to add a random post-script here...
God and I have had an odd relationship the past few weeks.
I've been a bit mad at Him because He hasn't pushed my labor along faster than it has gone.
I wanted Him to help me go into labor when my in-laws were visiting... and He didn't.
And then, when my sister was here... still no.
On my nephew's birthday, on my birthday... nope. 
For the past 3 weeks, my body and God, were silent.
One night I was listening to my favorite spiritual hymns and was struck by the song, "I Stand All Amazed."
I grumbled to my husband, "You know, I'm not very amazed right now."
I know that God loves me.  And, I know that God can work miracles.
And, He hasn't. 
He's not AMAZING me right now.
(My husband never really knows what to do with me when I say something like that.)
And, I've kinda stuck with this attitude. 
I know God's there, but He's not choosing to WOW me right now. 
Love you, but I'm NOT standing all amazed.  :)

Today, I'm beginning to feel amazed.
But, not in the way I wanted to be amazed.
I wanted the parting of the Red Sea.
I prayed and God broke my waters... 
Instead, I'm experiencing the Grand Canyon... 
Quiet, gradual, beauty.
Years and years of Godly splendor, majestic engineering.
As I feel my body preparing for birth, my bones opening, my abdomen beginning to contract, the baby inside me wiggling into place...
I am amazed.
The past three weeks I have tried unsuccessfully to trick my body into labor-- and nothing has worked.
My body KNOWS when it is ready... my body is expanding and opening in a slow and steady rhythm all it's own.
My body is powerful... even if I've only felt a small taste of what it can do.
I am amazed at the strength and power of each tightening I feel.
God has not responded to my timetable, nor has he allowed my body to spontaneously contract when I push a certain spot on my calf.
BUT,
He made me. 
He designed me. 
He designed women and the process of creation, and the process of birth..
He blessed me with a body that creates babies, and carries babies for nine months, and births babies, and feeds babies... and this is AMAZING.

Today, I stand all amazed at the miracle that God has given me.
The miracle of womanhood, and birth...  that began centuries ago with Eve, the mother of all living, and continues today with me.
As I experience these beginnings of labor, I truly stand all amazed.
And, with each rush of preparation that I feel, I am humbled and grateful.
I imagine that is how I would feel near the Grand Canyon.
This process that I am experiencing is amazing-- a true miracle.
How grateful I am to be a women,
to be pregnant,
to have had a child in my womb for the past 43 weeks...
to have partnered with God in this creation miracle 7 times!
today I am humbled and grateful and amazed.

ps--  I laugh as I push publish post... who would actually READ this?
want to know the truth?  i love to read your comments and thoughts... love them.
BUT,
i don't write my blog for you... i write it for me.
because i sit in my chair and my head is spinning and i'm not really sure what i'm thinking or feeling or hoping for...
and then, i begin to write and things become more clear.
i see the hand of God in my life.
i understand why i'm confused and determined and excited and worried.
when i'm done with my writing, i know that i could delete the whole thing and just leave the last two paragraphs... but it is painful for me to do that, because then i'll loose my process.
and i really love remembering the hard along with the good.
So, if you read this... thanks.
I welcome you into my life.
And, if you roll your eyes at the seven page essays I write... I'm ok with that too.
Cause, I didn't write it for you.
just sayin.

the wait.

the professor thought i needed to make a note-- this is not me in the bathtub. 
i told him, "it might be me."  he said, "those aren't your hands."

christmas- check.
house on the market- check.
jakob's birthday- check.
speak at stake conference- check.
um, have a baby...

yep...  i'm just sitting around in my clean house, waiting to meet my sweet baby.
it's not good.
i have about 5 weeks left...
and, i'm already getting anxious.
not good.

plus, it's cold... and quiet here in my house.
clothes are not comfortable-- pjs are nice.
i have some books from the library and i just want to lay around all day.
i have been laying around all day...
and cooking soups.
i NEVER cook soups.

will i be able to remain patient over the next few weeks?
i really try not to think about this baby- i want her to come on her own, when she's ready... which  could be LONGER than i'm ready to admit. 
oh, i LOVE the wait.

the professor tells me to just enjoy this time... it could be the last time i ever feel a sweet baby in my womb.
and, yes, it is a beautiful, peaceful time of creating.
but, oh the wait.
and the joy of meeting my sweet baby...
i think i need some projects.

birth- ina may gaskin.

i checked out this book, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, from the library.

ina may is probably the most famous American midwife.

this book is very well-referenced among natural, home birth type people.

i do not include myself in this category...

having had 6 hospital epidural inductions 2 of which resulted in emergency c-sections.

i was kicked out of a midwife's office with my FIRST pregnancy- they panicked after my first blood test.
yes- midwives do panic.

back to the book.
the first half is a compilation of birth stories of people who birthed their babies with Ina May on "The Farm".
to me, the farm sounds a bit like a 70's hippy compound.
intriguing, a bit "free spirit, no bra" sexual, and not something that many of us have an opportunity to experience.
i'm a bit addicted to birth stories lately...  on the Internet, you tube, or in books, i really enjoy reading about other women's journey to bring forth their children. 
i love hearing how they face their fears, how they deal with intense pain, how they feel when their babies are born.
i love the commonality that i see... birth is really not that different among cultures and woman.
i love reading how doctors and midwives react to labors that start and stop, babies who get stuck or turned, woman who are freaking out...
i even love hearing the advice of my friends... "natural birth is way over-rated, it's the worst pain you will ever experience, my throat hurt from screaming, you do feel amazing when it's over." of "you can do it, it's not that bad."
personally, i am so curious how i handle intense pain/pressure.
i believe the hypnobabies idea of putting yourself into a hypnotic state is naturally what i do...
i tend to zone out and remain calm in everyday stress... i'm more a zoner than a freaker.
but, i'm curious.  and, i'm also intellectual.  i'm not sure that i would be able to experience extreme "pain" and continue to tell myself that "labor doesn't hurt."

i LOVE the second half of Ina May's book.
i LOVE it.
I'm making my husband read it, and gifting it to all my girls when they are expecting...
(note- i'm not having the professor read the beginning accounts of birth stories...)
Ina May is not a trained doctor-- but, she has attended and birthed hundreds of babies.  She has the natural gift of intuition in labor.  Her ability to help women deliver babies naturally is astounding.  In the 2nd section of the book, she really explores the history of birthing babies and why we do some of the things that we do.

Ina May said some people describe birth as pushing an orange through a nostril.
She disputes this claim... a nostril was not designed to push an orange out of it.

Ina describes the amazing design of a woman's body-- how we are designed to contract and open and birth babies.  It is part of our design... our body opens and our baby can come out. 

I also love how she reminds woman that labor pressure does not "hurt" us.  The pressure transforms our body to deliver our baby.  It is temporary and useful.  It doesn't cause us injury, it helps us birth our baby... and then it goes away leaving us filled with adrenaline and oxytocin.

Another thing i love in this book, is how Ina shows a woman's ability to influence her labor with her thought processes and words.
during my first pregnancy, there was a girl that i knew from church who was a nursing student.  she was so excited that she was going to be able to watch my labor.  it was uncomfortable for me... i didn't want her in the room with my husband and i the whole time, but i didn't feel like i had any choice. 
i'm not sure that i could have pooped in front of that girl-- but i performed a far more soul and body showing event of life in front of her.

Often, Ina compares birth to sexual intercourse.  She explains how your attitude during the process can add to your pain-- some woman feel extreme pain putting in tampons, some tampons hurt more than others, some sexual encounters are pleasurable, some are not... what changes is not necessarily a women's ability to perform, or her bodies ability, or the size of the object inside you, but the preparation and mental attitude surrounding the circumstances.  i'm certain that i would have some performance anxiety if i was asked to have sex with my husband in a hospital room surrounded by nurses and doctors and interested students... not sure it would be the most relaxed, positive experience of my life.  {although we have had practice "relaxing" while children were knocking on our locked bedroom door.}  And i propose that intercourse isn't even as intimate, exposing or sacred as child birth can be.  i asked the professor how he would feel.  what if they asked him to poop in a bowl in front of a group of student doctors?  i think he understood how it might be a bit more difficult to relax.  interesting. isn't it?!  see- i told you i'm starting to understand home births.  {understand, as in, "i see" not "i could choose"}  Really, i'm not particulary modest when it comes to childbirthing... i've never had an issue with a male doctor or even doctors that i know in a personal setting.  I guess, after reading her book, i can see how constant monitoring, people coming in and out that you don't know or like, and even a hospital setting, can really make it more difficult to remain calm and relaxed and allow your body to do what it was designed to do.  It makes sense. 

as i've birthed my babies, i've heard women in other rooms who were SCREAMING.
i don't think i'm a screamer.
but, i imagine there is a point, under prolonged intense pain, that anyone would loose control.  i get that.
i'm curious if i could experience a normal, natural labor and remain in control.
i'm curious what it would take to bring me back if i started to loose it.
i'm interested what would push me over the brink...
i THINK i could handle the pressure of contractions IF everything was going well. 
for me, my biggest obstacle is going to be intense pain with NO progression.
my greatest worry is that i need pitocin to dilate.
i'm concerned that i will never go into labor on my own.
i'm concerned that if i let myself wait to go into labor, i'm going to birth a 12 lb. baby
(my mother had 2, my mother in law had boys over 10 lbs-- they did it, i could too.)
i'm not worried about pushing- i'm good at that.
i'm not worried about an emergency- hospitals are the best at emergency situations.
i'm worried about a labor that comes and goes and lasts for 4 days instead of 12 hours.
that's ok on the FARM.
but, i can't go for a walk in the woods once i'm checked into the hospital.
i'm so interested to experience the birth of this baby.
i have loved this pregnancy- transfusion FREE!!
i'm really getting that baby itch.
having had 6 children- i believe much of the FEAR of childbirth is replaced with an understanding of the JOY.
i know i can do this, whatever happens, and I AM EXCITED!

Many of you are pregnant, or will someday be pregnant...
i highly recommend this book... especially the 2nd half.
remember- i'm getting weirder so i enjoyed all of it.
good book.
interesting read.

i'm learning, but still very grounded.
no need to reassure me!! 
i have LOVED my epidural births. 
I don't think c-sections are the end of the world... i am SO GRATEFUL for hospitals and doctors that have saved my life and saved the life of my babies.
People say, "As long as my baby is healthy." 
And, i can't even say that.
i have known and loved many families whose babies weren't "healthy", and although the experience was difficult, it was beautiful and perfect.
life is good.
pregnancy and birth is EDIFYING and MIRACULOUS.
i'm SO excited to meet this new baby!!

only 10 weeks left.  maybe...

thanks for the insight ina may!

ps.

i LOVE little kids with hiccups.

so cute.

especially when you tell them to stop... or when they try to make another hiccup come.

darling.

i also LOVE little girls with ballet costumes on over their clothes.

so they can dance... all day.

love it.

birth- singing.

i've been reading a lot about natural births lately.
i could never have a home birth.
but, i am hoping for a VBAC after 2 emergency c-sections.
and, i want to labor without being induced (i have NEVER gone into labor)
and, i want to labor without an epidural
and... i want to sing.  :)  if only i married a guitar player... and could sing.

something about this video makes me cry...
you can just feel the spirit of the room as she sings.
i want my baby's birth to feel like this.
love it.