this week.

ok, yesterday i panicked a bit...

the professor is busy- working on his dissertation,
(he needs me to support him as much as I need him to support me- not so good.)
and i'm out of it... worried about having a baby and taking care of my family.

we don't have family coming when this baby is born
so, baby number seven and we're flying solo.
it's ok.  we do have lots of friends and neighbors... and, we've done this before.
But, it's still scary.
(Side note- my sister just got tickets last night-- she's coming the end of march and i'm so excited)

mom's hold everything together.
and, i'm ok with that role.
i'm the oldest in my family, and i'm always pretty self sufficient...
but, having a baby is scary.
I have supportive friends and neighbors. 
I imagine that things will run smoothly and I will just send the professor home to handle the big kids while I learn the new baby.
We'll be fine.  I know it.
But, still I worry... 
What if... everything is not ok. 
What if... I can't just pop back after labor.
What if... I can't take care of myself and my baby and my kids.
What if... I need my husband to support me and be with me and I feel worried about my other kids.

The weeks before I have a baby are my HARDEST.
I don't feel good, but worse-- I'm so ANXIOUS.
I don't usually feel post-partum depression-- but for sure I'm a bit crazy pre-partum.
It's the unknown that kills me.
(You'd think i'd have this down by now-- but I don't.)

The professor asked me this morning, "What would be your ideal situation?"
I cried, "Nothing... it's just going to be hard and I'm going to be alone and I just have to deal with it.  I don't have a choice."
And, that's true... but--
I came up with my ideal situation a little while later...

Want to hear it?
OK...
This is my ideal--
A nice slowly starting labor... regular contractions that begin to build around bedtime.
I know I'm in early stages of labor, but not panicked. 

I put my kids to bed, finish up any un-done laundry, make dinner to have in my fridge, call my friends who are on stand-by, be sure my hospital bags are ready and my house is clean... and then I rest through the night.

My contractions continue to build and progress- I'm ok with going to the hospital around 4am.  Knowing that I have someone coming over in the morning to get my kids to school.  Labor progresses steadily and naturally... I'm ok with hard, but I hope it's beautiful and NORMALish. 

An early morning baby would be good-- I'd say around 8am.  I could call the school and let the kids know they have a new sister.  The professor could even teach his class from 10-11 (while i'm napping) and then bring me lunch and spend the rest of the afternoon with me and our new baby.  He could bring the kids up to the hospital that evening and come home to feed them and put them all to bed and have a restful night sleep. 

The best part of this plan is that I'd have a few days at home this week with me and the baby.
And then, next week is Spring Break-- all the kids would have a week to enjoy the new baby.
Spring Break with a new baby sounds PERFECT.
Spring Break with a mother who is 9 months pregnant sounds like HELL... for all involved.
After Spring Break the kids would go back to school and my sister and my nephew will come and visit-- I'll be feeling better, I have a realtor open house scheduled, and I'll have a 2 week old. 

I know, life is rarely ideal.
But, THIS WEEK would be a good week to have a baby.
So, if you happen to be talking to God, put in a good word for me.
Thanks.