making babies.

i feel myself getting teary eyed just thinking about the title to my blog.
no, this is not a post about the birds and the bees... 
that is part of making a baby, but a very short part of it.

the real ACT of making babies takes months, even years.
a union of husband and wife sparks the creation process.
From the moment I conceive, I am changed.
For me, the earliest sign is my super-sonic nose.  I start smelling things that others can't smell, and I know. my senses are enhanced because I am creating.
The first few months are queasy, I just don't feel the same months.
Once you have miscarried, these months are full of hoping but not wanting to hope too much.
Right away you feel different.  More easily irritated, tired, pukey, bloated.
When you think about what your body is doing, these symptoms are mild.
You are creating another human being.  Creating nervous systems and body organs, a heart that beats and arms and legs...
While you are creating, those around you are learning empathy and forgiveness and patience.
My husband always realizes just how patient I normally am, when pregnancy takes my patience down a few notches.  He begins saying things like, "Wow honey, when you are not pregnant you really NEVER loose your patience with the kids."

Pregnancy is a stretching.  Physically, mentally, spritually, emotionally...  women really do live for their babies for 9 months.  Our bodies change, our minds begin to plan and prepare, our hormones fear and love, our stamina is tried, I becomes we.  We realize that there is much in life that we can not control.  We learn to submit to things we can't control and choose wisely things we can.  It is incredible.  Pregnancy in and of itself is an amazing experience of learning and growth and creation and sacrifice.

And then, there is the process of birth.

What a beautiful, amazing experience.  Again, women get the opportunity to sacrifice physically for another being.  In a small way experiencing what the Savior experienced as he atoned for all of our sins.  Although, birth is not only a time when we become more like the Savior, it is also a time when we learn to rely on Him.  It is through His grace that we experience all.  In our weakness we call out "Father if thou be willing remove this cup from me."  And, we feel Him near us, encouraging, supporting and sustaining us through our best and our most difficult moments.  Birth is beautiful.  All the world stops to welcome this new baby.  Moms are heralded as the deliverers of new life.  Conception is to pregnancy what birth is to the post partum time of life.

Conception and Birth are both short moments of change.  These acts are focused on and heralded as monumentous.  But the real changing, growing times are not moments.  The real changing and growth happens over weeks and months of stretching and learning and adjusting. 

Today, I am awed by the post partum time of life.
I have brought 7 babies home from the hospital.  And, I believe there is a forgetting that occurs as your children grow.  Because babies require so much, we are glued to them with such a strong love that we forget the sacrifice. 

I have a friend who delivered her 6th child without an epidural.  I talked to her shortly after her delivery.  She was so funny.  She told me how amazing it was, but was adament, "It HURT SO BAD.  I will NEVER do that again."  A couple of weeks later, we had a similar conversation about birth.  Things were so different.  Now, the AMAZING part was forefront in her mind and she can't wait to have another natural child birth.  Memory is an amazing thing.  We remember the strongest feelings-- and often those are positive.

Although I have had many children and not so long ago, I definitely fell prey to this positive memory way of thinking.  I really thought that once I delivered a baby everything would be AMAZING.

I forgot how hard it is. Making a baby is a process.  Welcoming a baby to earth is also a process.  During the post partum time, we are making room for a baby in our life, getting to know a new spirit, physically recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and adjusting to nursing and adjusting to a newborn's sleep schedule and adjusting to one more person who completely relys upon you.  It is tough and wonderful and life changing.

Physically, new mothers are exhausted.  Nine months of creating and holding a baby takes a toll on a body.  Every single pregnancy, I am amazed at my strong, beautiful body.  My body makes babies.  And, it takes a little while for my body to recover from making and delivering a baby.  This post partum body is really transition from an internal carrier to an external provider.  My body was bloated and bleeding and sore.  My tummy was trying to return to some pre-pregnancy state and my chest was trying to transition to become the sole nourishment for my new baby.  AMAZING. 

What a transition.  We don't give our bodies enough credit.  That baby comes out and immediately I'm depressed because I haven't morphed into my pre-pregnancy weight and shape.  I can hear my body saying, give me some time.  Our bodies are tired and hungry and sore.  And often, asked to go without sleep, exist on scanty meals we grab in between feedings, and squeezed into clothes that aren't quite our new size.  I wish I had cherished my post partum body.  Instead of picturing the sports illustrated swim suit model who was in a bikini weeks after delivering her baby, I wish I had pictured the succulent mother budda statues that I have seen.

And don't even get me started on the topic of breasts.  I have a new found respect for breasts after the past 4 weeks that I have endured.  Yes, endured.  Wow.  Our bodies create babies.  AND, our bodies feed them.  It is amazing how milk forms, how it provides the nutrients our baby needs, how it is always ready and waiting.  For sure there is a separation between body and spirit.  My body acts independantly to make milk.  My spirit chooses how to hold my baby, when to feed my baby, whether to nurse or use bottles, what ointment to put on, what breast pads/bras to use.  We do have choices, but there is much we can not control.  We can't force milk production, healing, illness. 

Isn't it incredible that women are learning to respond to a new baby at the same time we are learning to respond to changes in our bodies.  So much of our life is beyond our control.  Making babies teaches us to sacrifice our will.  Making babies teaches us to be humble, and prayerful.  To work hard.  To make good choices.  But ultimately, to RESPOND to the challenges that will come our way.  We learn to listen to our bodies and respond.  We learn to listen to our babies and respond.  We learn through trial and error.  We learn from books and other wise people around us.  And, no matter how many children you have, you are still out of control during this transition time of life.  Making a baby is really making a mother. 

And, making a mother is really become humble, meek, submissive, willing to submit to all things.

There is so much more to the post partum time of life that i haven't even touched on...  getting to know your baby, sleep, hormones, regaining control of your home and your life...   oh, it is an amazing transition period.

But, my baby is awake, and not very patient while i try and type this one handed... and so, my time to theorize is ended and I must go and become...

yes, making babies has made me.  and, i'm so grateful for the growing.