one month.

I feel like shouting for joy!! 

Joy is running through my veins...

Guess what I did this weekend?

Yup, I nursed without pain. 

I held my baby, like a regular cradled baby, and I nursed her.

When your life is hard for a long time, you realize just how amazing "normal" is.

I've had a few "normal" mornings.
Where I feed baby eve and she is content for awhile afterwards.
She has not been content very often in her short life. 

Really, my life is still crazy.
Last week I tried to go to playgroup, which I thought was at the park near my house.
I bathed, bathed my baby, bathed my little girls. 
Got everyone dressed, dressed myself, did my hair, put the baby in a sling, put winter coats on my girls (it was very windy), wrapped a few blankets over the baby, and headed outside (to walk to the park).
Playgroup started at 10am, I didn't get out the door till 10:40 am.
We were supposed to bring a lunch, which I didn't pack. 
On the way across the street I told my girls that we would eat lunch at home after the park. 
Leah insisted "No mom, we're supposed to eat with our friends at the park."
So, I turned around and went home to grab some snacks-- a box of wheat thins and apples in a Ziploc.
While I was grabbing the snacks, our dog ran outside.
Leah ran across the street to catch him. 
She was across the street, holding on to his neck SOBBING that he was going to get hit by a car.
My baby was fussy by this point, so I was bouncing up and down.
Lily, the 2 year old, insisted that I hold her hand. 
And, I had a box of crackers and a Ziploc of apples in my other hand.
I handed Lily the crackers and apples and tried to grab the dog.
The dog will not walk when she thinks she is in trouble. 
Just then, the sister missionaries pulled up.
Can you imagine the sight?
Bouncing, fussy baby, crying 4 year old, trying to pull a stubborn dog, now crying 2 year old whose hand I had let go of... and, smiling mother who was really going crazy on the inside.

They asked, "Is there anything we can do to help?"

I told them, "Not really-- THIS IS MY CRAZY LIFE."

The dog ended up running away (she always comes back) and the sister missionaries ended up coming to my house.

My baby ended up crying for the next 20 minutes and my little girls ended up having a picnic on the family room floor.

I found out later that playgroup had been moved to McDonald's that day, because it was so cold. 
Oh, my life. 
The whole time the sister missionaries kept saying things like, "You are so patient.  You are super mom.  Your kids are so well behaved." 
I kept thinking-- are you kidding me? 
Later, a friend commented, "The difference between us with lots of kids and how we were with one is that we have learned to LOOK calm on the outside even when we are crying on the inside."
Yes, I used to throw more temper tantrums than my kids.
Honestly, if I LOOK like I have things put together-- I don't.
Really, on the inside I'm frazzled.

Today, I went to playgroup at the mall.

I still didn't get there until 10:40 am, but-- i felt pretty normal.
It was not insane.  It was fun. 
Slowly, we are getting it.

I am cooking dinner again. 
My baby is DARLING.
She's very bright eyed and loves to communicate. 
She is still fussy at night, but pretty good during the day.
She likes to be swaddled.
She LOVES to be held and I LOVE holding her.
(I'm definitely getiing my fill of newborn.)

She hates to be burped.
But, she's pretty burpy and gassy.

She has baby acne on her face-- I don't think any of my other kids got that.

She hates to be strapped into her car seat (I have to swaddle her and strap around her blanket).

She can be distracted with a pacifier, but I'm still not a big fan.
She's very smiley!

I have started trying to sleep with her in bed with me, or else I don't get any sleep at night.

Remember all that stuff I told you about perfect babies at night-- yeah, sleep, eat, awake doesn't really work with this baby.

I've started giving her to my big kids, even when she's fussy, and-- they are really good at calming her down.
Who knew?!

At church, there was a mom with a sleeping baby in the mother's lounge. 

I had to appologize right away because I knew we would wake her baby. 

Eve screams when she's hungry. 

I had a pacifier in her mouth, but once I take it out to start nursing, she screams.  Then she's happy nursing.  She screams again when we switch sides.  Happy nursing.  Screams again when I'm trying to burp her-- even though she is squirmy and fussy and obviously has a burp. 

Her cry is DARLING. 

She's still so tiny and is so emotional that really everyone melts when she cries.

This baby is so funny! 

one month.

oh, what a month it's been.
I guess the thing i've learned this month is that NORMAL feels so good.

We are blessed to be able to cook dinner, or spend an evening with our kids, or fold a load of laundry, or put on a shirt without pain.

My life is returning to a sense of normal and i'm loving the moments.

i LOVE this baby girl.