i see the beam, i see the beam!

you read my blog and so you know me.

a part of me.

i am (too) open about my innermost feelings and struggles.

honestly, i hope i don't make things sound like i am bipolar.
i'm not.
my real life is very normal.
my friend said that because i am so descriptive my blog seems a bit more polar-- but she knows me and talks to me and says in person i'm just regular. 

{this is another one of my 'descriptive' posts- be forewarned.}

my husband says the same thing.

he says my life is regular but i write and think deeply.

he loves reading my blog because he gets to hear the inner workings of my brain.

when i wrote my heartfelt feelings about planting seeds he said, "Wow.  I'm surprised you were thinking about all that.  To me, it was just a regular family night planting seeds."

he doesn't think like i do.

and it WAS just a regular family night.

the reason my blog posts are SO LONG is because i feel stupid sharing my glimpse of understanding and making it seem like my whole life is deep spiritual enlightenment.

i am just like YOU and i know it.
i just talk more.  ha!

i'm a regular old toyota corolla.  a mall person, like my friend Lori says.

in order to WRITE-- i think DEEPLY-- so that i can EXPRESS what i'm feeling.

my feelings are real, but not all consuming.

my life is fast and i am more constant than i appear on my blog.

my house is clean and regular.

my marriage is regular.

i do NOT think i'm a parenting expert.  trust me.

i do not think i'm better than you or worse than you.

i'm just a regular person that thinks a lot and tries every day to be better.
sorry if i sound arrogant in my tone.
i am an oldest child and the oldest grandchild-- i do naturally assume an authoritative tone sometimes. 

someone i love told me they hated how i'm always saying "I have seven kids."
ooh.  she is right.  i do say that too much.
i remember i used to laugh at a woman at my church who would say 20 times a day "i am the relief society president"...
i am like her.  i'm sorry.
(not sure if my "i have seven kids" comments are meant pridefully or as an admission of my insanity... but, anyway.  sorry if that is offensive or proud.)
i'm sure there are many more annoying things that i do.

last week was a hard week for me.

on many levels.

(doesn't growth come in clusters?)

at first i felt like everything was going wrong.

today i can see that there is so much good that can come from the hard.

i feel myself growing up a little bit.

learning to be more kind, more charitable, more humble. 

i'm different today than i was yesterday.

i've been born again, again.

i realized that many times i feel justified in my anger because i am hurt.

my emotions or selfishness blinds me to the plight of someone else.

i loose charity when i am focused on how i have been wronged.

i went to therapy for a time (years ago).

my friend and therapist told me that i needed to let myself feel angry about my childhood
so that i could fix things.

before that time i really never felt wronged or angry or like i had a hard life.

i did feel like i was drowning in sympathy and ruining my family as i tried to save others.

i learned to let go a little bit and trust that God is big enough for those i love.

i needed to focus on my family.

but, i stayed at the angry place.

it didn't feel right to me.

angry is not my nature.

my sister, who is historically much harsher than i am, also has a more compassionate heart.

she saw through our hurt and began to love more.

my eyes were opened a bit, and the love from my past just poured in.

today, my heart aches for my angry years.

i never want to feel that way again.

maybe my therapist/friend was right.
maybe i needed that time so that i could get to this time.

today i am filled with compassion, understanding, forgiveness and true Godly sorrow for my own sins.

i can see my selfishness where before i saw only my pain.  

my heart yearns to be more kind.

can i tell you a funny thing?
a very honest thing.
every time i thought of the Savior's parable of the person trying to pull a splinter out of someones eye with a beam in their own-- I WAS THE ONE WITH THE SPLINTER.
every time.
i was so critical of everyone else who even almost suggested that i had a fleck in my eye.
i really was blind.  i did not see the whole picture.
i could see their beam-- but i couldn't even see my own.
until this week.
i see my beam.  i'm trying to figure out how to get rid of if.
EVERY TIME i thought of the women caught in adultery, i was the women that was being accused.
i am that women-- but more often, i am the one throwing stones.
i was throwing stones at imperfect people-- because i thought they were throwing stones at me.
and, maybe they were throwing stones at me.
maybe i am bruised.  but, i can handle bruises.
i know people who have endured much pain.

after a particularly hard day i cuddled up next to my husband and he encircled me with his love and protection.
i was reminded, once again, how blessed i am.
my life is beautiful.
i thought of the song... "Because i have been given much, i too must give."
and, i have been given much.
why is it so hard for me to give just a little bit?
a little more love, a little more compassion, a little more money, a little more forgiveness.
why can't i love more?
why can't i be bigger and kinder?
why i am the one pointing out all that everyone owes ME--
instead of being quick to forgive, as i have been forgiven.
i have so much to learn.

last Friday, we had to give daizie back to the Humane Society.
i sobbed.
sobbed.
i don't want to talk about it.
i feel like a failure.
daizie has never done well with eve...
she started biting.
a lot.
she was sweet and perfect with big people, and scary with little people.
i had to choose and i chose safety for my babies (and my friends' kids) and peace of mind for me.
i pray for her all the time.
i miss that dumb, ugly dog like crazy.
leah woke up the day after we gave her back and said, "Mom, now i don't have a friend."
it's sad.
daizie went to Senior Rescue-- they will pair her up with an understanding elderly couple.
i think she will be a perfect for someone without kids.
it's going to be an open adoption... (ha!)
i typed up a two page description of Daizie and her quirks.
todd laughed at me saying i knew daizie as well as my own kids.
he said it was like a dog eulogy.
i made sure they would call me and tell me how she's doing.

giving daizie back has been one of the hardest things i have ever done.
{yeah, i know, todd rolled his eyes too...}
i doubted myself and i doubted my ability to hear and know God's will for me.
does God really care what kind of dog we get?  {here is my blog about getting daizie, and here is another post where i talk about her.}
i don't know.  i think so.
did i fail Him?  did i misunderstand Him?  did i just make my own stupid decision?
were we supposed to keep daizie longer and work with her more?
was i deceived?
daizie was a safe place for me to learn to really, really discern spiritual promptings.
i have been reading much on the topic and drinking in understanding.

Here is an AMAZING talk called, The Voice of the Spirit.
It's good.  It's deep.  It's talking about learning to hear God's whisper.  I am still learning.
a friend gave me a great book that described three voices in our head.
1- the voice of the Holy Ghost
2- our own conscience
3- devilish opposition
whether or not you believe in God, i think everyone knows the gentle, sure voice of Right that whispers to us what we should do.
He speaks in big things and small things, our job is to recognize His voice and learn to obey..
Usually He is urging us towards obvious goodness-- get married.  help with the dishes.  go to church.  pray.
The voice of the Spirit is simple and direct.
Immediately following a prompting, the voices of opposition with rage forth-- confusing, direct, loud, and many... you will hear many absolute reasons why you can NOT do what you felt you should do.
you're too tired to do the dishes, you've been working hard all day.  she likes doing the dishes anyway.  you did the dishes yesterday.  you're doing something important right now.
The third voice is the voice of our conscience.  It has a personal, contemplative, thoughtful tone.  I could go and do the dishes now, or i could help in a few minutes.  I wonder if i should stay with him or date other people?

I don't think you can ever be wrong doing right.  I also don't think you can ever be right doing wrong.
I think it's dangerous for someone to put their trust in spiritual promptings without clearly learning to identify the source of those promptings.
Not every thought that comes into our head comes from God.
Saying that, i can say with every fiber of my being that God does speak to man,
When I hear His whisper, and do what is right, my life is blessed.
I am given wisdom beyond my own and He fills me with love.
Today I am humble and ready to be filled again.
I need more love.
I need more love for those who are closest to me and deserve my love the most.

i heard a quote recently that changed my life.
i don't have the exact source or exact words... i hesitate to even write it casually here because it is easy to misunderstand.
but, you are my friends, and this is a gem in my pocket.
the quote said something to the effect of...
if we could see our spouses, as they really are.
if the veil was taken off of our eyes and we could see their spirits as God sees them,
we would be amazed.
their potential would shine so brightly we would be tempted to kneel down before them and worship them.
[Here is the actual quote... by C.S. Lewis:
"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would strongly be tempted to worship, .... There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.”]

i love this idea.
the truth is, if we could see ourselves as God sees us, we would be amazed at our potential and goodness.
the truth is, Christ could heal and love the lepers because He did see them is all their glory.
i have been blind.
today is my first day of school in a new grade.
i'm nervous, but hopeful.
i want God to teach me how to love more.
i want God to bless me with His eyes.
i want to see how He sees and i want to be filled with compassion.
my pride has kept me from some beautiful relationships.
i'm excited for this new course.