positive parenting.

{NOTE-- I decided to combine this post with pictures from eve's birthday.  honestly, this was not my finest moment.  the kids were all so excited and they were driving me crazy.  when eve tried to grab the candle they all screamed and eve was scared and crying.  they were so excited about her gifts that they were trying to unwrap them for her and eve was scared.  it wasn't a bad night, just could have been so much better-- if i had remembered-- BE POSITIVE!!  you will see my mother face OFTEN in these pictures.  i can see the sadness and worry on the faces and in the eyes of all my kids.  next time i've totally got this...}

we are changing our family dynamics- again.
i am always surprised in my mothering how having a new baby or moving can bring me back a year.
i'm just climbing back up to the place i've been before.
i'm remembering the mother i like to be.

recently, i have been reminded of the power of positive parenting.
i LOVE the book by Glen Latham-- Power of Positive Parenting.
SOO good.  very specific.  and, it works.
I wish i could just quote the whole book to you-- i have been reading parts out loud to my husband at night.
his main point is that "behavior is typically strengthened by parental attention (positive or negative), by attending to inappropriate behavior we are far more likely to increase it's frequency and intensity. ... By attending to the good and desirable things our children do, we dramatically increase the likelihood that those good and desirable things will increase. ... Inappropriate, improper behavior must be recognized as a reason and an opportunity to teach, not as an excuse to punish. ... We must be teachers of behavior, not punishers of behavior."

Here are three of his main ideas...
1. Have positive interactions-- dozens a day with each child and NO negative interactions.
2. Ignore age-typical junk behavior-- "Easily 95% of the things kids say and do that drive their parents crazy should not be given any attention at all.  Just turn and walk away.  Behavior that does not get attention soon weakens and dies.
3. Teach children how to behave-- Parents say, "my kids won't behave."  If they understood their role better they would say, "I haven't taught my child how to stay out of trouble."

S.W. Bijou says, "Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes."

The book gives many examples of how to do this in a practical setting.
When talking with a child he says to as quickly as possible, engage the child in the problem-solving process.  Make them an agent of change (my words).
"I'm sorry that you were upset and became so angry that you broke the lamp.  That was so uncharacteristic of you.  Would you care to talk about it?" -- during the discussion make sure you are understanding and compassionate not judgmental, preachy, or full of a lot of advice.

"As you know, you broke the lamp.  We need to come to an agreement on how you will pay to have it replaced.  Do you have any suggestions?"

--He says it is common for kids to try to justify their behavior and place blame on someone else, or drag you off the course of your conversation.  You just respond with compassion and continue to try to get them involved in solving the problem.  He says, "In about 95 times of 100, if parents will stay the course and not be dragged into an argument with the child over what is right or what is wrong or what is fair or what is unfair, after only two attempts at derailing the conversation, the child will begin to come around.  However, if after the third time the child is still balking the parent should terminate the conversation by saying something like "I can see you aren't ready to talk about this right now.  I'm ready to talk about it when you are, in the mean time... some privilege that they have will be removed."

Note-- "It is very important for parents to keep the child actively engaged in the discussion.  It isn't the amount of time parents talk to the child that produces the desired results.  It is the amount of time and number of opportunities the child has to respond and to be actively engaged in the conversation, and exploring solutions that are then reinforced that produce the best results."

My favorite example in the book, i think, is where he talks about going into a classroom of ADHD, behavioral challenged boys.  He describes the chaos of the room.  The frazzled aid and teacher who were chasing the boys down the hall.  They were fighting and literally jumping off the bookshelves.  He couldn't find one positive behavior to praise, so he went over to a desk and picked up one child's neglected math sheet.  He made some positive comments about the work that had been done and slowly a boy came over to him and said that was his worksheet.  Dr. Latham praised the work and started a conversation with the boy.  The boy sat down determined to show him how he could do the next problem.  This behavior was praised.  Soon another boy sat down and began working.  Within 5 minutes the whole class was sitting down working on math.
BEAUTIFUL.

i wish i could tell you all of the specific experiences i have had implementing this principle in my home this week.
i 100% believe this is a true principle.
in one section they describe a short conversation you have where you praise the child, identify the problem, give a solution, have the child repeat back to you the solution, practice the behavior, and end with praise.
leah was pushing eve down, and laughing.
i have been yelling at her for doing that and telling her to 'be kind'.
it doesn't change anything.
i even knocked leah down once and asked her if she thought it was funny to be pushed down.
i thought that was an effective teaching method until two minutes later, leah pushed eve down again.
didn't work.
i tried the principle i read in the book.

first, i praised leah for being a kind sister.
i recognized that it was hard when eve came over and wrecked her toys.
i said, "we never push our sister down."
then i taught her.  "when eve comes over to your toys, i want you to take her hand and lead her slowly back to her toys."
i had her repeat back to me what she should do.
we practiced.

five minutes later i heard leah gently leading eve to a pile of books.
twenty times in the past few days i have heard sweet leah gently leading eve to some toys.
it works.
it is beautiful to see.

i have also made an effort to praise my girls when they are playing nicely together and not just ignore the good and respond when they start to fight.
that has been so good.

drew is a 10 year old, older brother with 5 sisters, tease.
anna gets so mad at him that she starts screaming or pushing or fighting with him.
i used this same technique with her after one situation got out of control.
i validated her.  i said, "even though drew is a tease it is NOT ok for you to scream at him."
"when drew teases you IGNORE HIM and WALK AWAY."
we practiced.
two minutes later, drew started teasing her and i saw her ignore and walk away.
i praised her again-- it WORKED!!
a couple days later drew started teasing me and i got annoyed.
anna smiled and reminded me, "Mom, just ignore and walk away."
ha!!

i was putting my girls to bed at night and they were giggling and continuing the bedtime drama.
i was just about to yell when i remembered this book.
i said, "You girls are SO good at going to bed.  You always fall asleep quickly.  Ellie and Leah are really great at just laying on their pillow and falling asleep.  How do you do that girls?"
i went on to say something great about each of the girls.
i laughed when they got silent and leah asked, "What did you say mom?  Did you say I was good at going to sleep?  really?"
i also laughed when i got caught on my words... "Tonight you quieted down in about... 20 minutes.  But i'm certain tomorrow you can do it in 5 minutes."
ha!  In a matter of SECONDS all four of my girls were laying quietly on their pillows.  SECONDS.

this works like magic.
i know it.
i remember knowing it before.
just forgot and slid down the slippery slope of complaining and nagging and paying attention to all the negative behavior.

"It is not what you are LOOKING AT, it is what you SEE!!!"
praise the potential.  teach the reality.
remind me of this if i ever forget it again, ok?!
have a good day.
You are GREAT parents.
Your kids are SO lucky.