questions answered-- tips for bringing young kids to big kid events.

any tips for moms who have older kids and younger kids?

To do or not to do-- that is the question.
This blog is about HOW i bring young children (age 1, 3, 5, 8, and 10) to the MANY activities of my older (11 and 13 year old) boys.
My kids are ALL involved with sports and music activities.
we go out together as a family.
here are some things i've learned...
this blog is TOO LONG!
sorry.  i think while i type and it sometimes takes me a long time to figure out what i want to say.

when you have kids in many activities it is easy to feel like your life is a whirl wind.
it is easy to feel victim to your schedule and feel like you have no choices... you are just running from commitment to commitment with no choice.
you always have a choice.
be careful not to over schedule your life... be careful not to sacrifice your younger children because you think you owe it to your older children.
On the other hand, it is very easy, when you have children, to feel like you are a prisoner in your home.
At times in my life when i have felt the tug of depression, my tendency was to lock myself away from public events and hide at home where nobody could see me or judge me.
Both extremes are dangerous.

I firmly believe that it is SO GOOD to bring your family out together.
It is SO GOOD to get to know people in your community.
it is good to have friends.
it is good to be involved.
sometimes you are more involved than others... in my life there are times when we are more active and times when we are home more.
i love both seasons of life.
it is good to support your children as they develop their talents.
it is good to teach your children how to behave in public.
it is possible to have a family that is well-behaved in public!!!
it is not possible to do this without effort and it is not possible to have a family that ALWAYS behaves perfectly.
if you have children-- you will have times when you are embarrassed in public situations.
don't worry-- you'll learn to get over it!!

No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much you have taught at home, no matter how much you pray and try... things happen.
life is hard sometimes.
kids are kids sometimes.
the BEST mothers do not have perfect children.
the BEST mothers respond perfectly to imperfect children.
although i have received many compliments on my children's behavior...
my favorite compliment has been, "The best thing you do as a mother is smile while your children are misbehaving."
nice...
and, i am really good at that.  just so you know.
{ok, i lied... my real favorite parenting compliment came the other day at the store.  i wrote a blog about that day, i was wearing scrubs and my kids looked like orphans-- but we were happy.  this long-haired, bearded, tattooed man in tough looking clothes smiles a sweet smile at me.  he said, "You're a great mom, i can tell.  I wish you had been my mother."  THAT was my favorite parenting compliment. and my mother soul wanted to take him and love him like his mother should have.}

humbly, i will admit that i am also really good at managing after school schedules with a large family.
you would laugh if you saw our schedule.
many days i laugh as i live our schedule.
quiet during the day... busy after school.
we are CRAZY.

i'll tell you yesterday.
Tuesday is one of our EASIEST days.
3:00 pick up anna and ellie
4:00 exercise at track with women from church and my 5 girls
4:30 Jakob and Drew finish track practice at middle school
5:30 Anna has Kid's track practice
5:30 Ellie has Soccer practice (todd is the coach)
Jen, Jakob and 3 little girls head home.
eve falls asleep in the car and i lay her in bed when she gets home.
Make dinner real fast (shrimp/spinach/basil/garlic pasta dish).
6:30ish todd gets home with anna and ellie (and remnants of McD's ice cream) and Jen leaves for a scout training meeting.
7:00 family dinner minus mom.
9:30 Jen home, kids already in bed, finish straightening up while talking with Todd.
10:30 bed
actually, yesterday was NOT a crazy day.
it was a fun afternoon with our family.
you should see our crazy days!

i have said before-- my life is a bit easier because i do have a husband who helps.
he works late and travels sometimes.
but often we tag-team and that FOR SURE makes my life easier.

there are also many times when i am alone with my large family.
it is possible to do it alone.  harder, but possible.

here are a few tips for making your afternoons enjoyable, for children of all ages...

1.  STAY HOME.
sometimes i do just NEED to stay home with the little ones.
in our family, we do think it is important and fun to support one another.
we love to be together in public to watch soccer games, or football games, or basketball games, or track meets, or middle school musicals, or choir performances...
we love that.
but, sometimes it is too much.
often i am home with my younger children and todd is watching the event.
or, he is home and i am watching (rarely).
sometimes Todd is out of town and i have a friend bring my kids home from their events with no parent watching.
that is OK.
you have to do what is best for your whole family.
Best does not always mean easiest.
sometimes, staying home is the BEST answer.
sometimes, going is the BEST answer.
you must use DISCERNMENT when deciding what is best for your family.

we are out together A LOT.  but, i have no problem staying home sometimes.
i think it is BEST that i stay home sometimes.
sometimes, very rarely, i leave my younger kids home with my older kids at home.
usually i do this for drop offs or pick ups, but not when i'm going to stay and watch the event.
NOTE-- it is HARD for me to stay home with little kids when i would rather be watching soccer games or spending time with my older kids.
sometimes i worry that they will have many fond memories of time with their father and a mother who just took care of their siblings.
BUT!!  I think having a house of PEACE and ORDER is so important.
sometimes i have to sacrifice the fun stuff to maintain the FOUNDATIONAL stuff.
family dinner is important.
having a family that is cared for is important.
emotional health and sleep is important.
i do not drag my kids around with me, or leave them home without me, if i have not planned well.
i stay home-- unless i can PLAN well enough to make it work for everyone.
my husband does not love to have six crazy, crying kids around him while he's trying to watch an event.
i have had to learn how to bring a large family into public and make it look fun and good.
it is possible.

2.  PLAN AHEAD-- EAT TOGETHER.
with kids in activities you have to be very aware of drop-off and pick-up times.
coordinate, arrange car pools, and tell your kids a specific place (away from the main group) where you are going to find them each time you roll in...
i hate waiting in pick up lines... having kids walk a few extra feet can alleviate 10 minutes of driving time.
and, ALWAYS PLAN WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO EAT.
be sure you know in the morning what you're going to do for dinner and WHEN you're going to eat.

if you have a busy day coming up, be sure your kids get to bed early the night before.
if you have a late night activity-- insist that everyone (including mom) gets a nap.
TIRED kids are difficult kids.

when you can not be home for family dinner- be creative.
packing sub sandwiches and apples and 100% juice capri suns work great.
going to Old McDonald's works great.
making an easy chicken pasta salad works great.
plan what you are going to eat and when you are going to eat it.
we eat family dinner EVERY NIGHT.
even on the craziest of nights.

usually, i have to have dinner made by 5:30pm...
i usually have all my kids home by 5:30 and some kids that need to be somewhere at 6.  that gives us a good 15 minutes for family dinner.
because the table is already set we can sit down, pray, serve and eat in 15 minutes.
i usually wash most of the dishes while i'm preparing.
the kids clear their own places and LOAD their own dishes.
and i am left with a few pots to add to the dishwasher.
by 6pm everything is all cleaned up and we've had a super-speedy dinner.
this is USUAL at my house.
sometimes, we eat at 7pm... after all our events.
track nights we either eat late (around 8pm) or we eat out (McD's) or i pack a dinner.
don't let sports/extra curricular activities replace family dinner.

3.  LOOK NICE.
because i have a large family, i always feel like we need to look nice.
how we look not only tells people who we are as a family, but also shows people that you can have a big family and keep your children clean and neat.
it is important to me.
having little girls with mis-matched clothes, or tutos over their outfits, or shoes on the wrong feet does NOT bother me.
but, i do try to have their face clean and their hair done.
i do not ever have babies with soggy bottom diapers or booger faces.
(hah!  actually, yesterday eve had the nastiest booger face at track... but she did have a cute bow in her hair.)
my kids always have one or two outfits that are not raggedy hand me downs.
on days we are at home, they wear clothes with holes, but we have one or two outfits (usually they coordinate because i buy them at the same time) that i dress them in for days we are seen in public.
i dress them in THE SAME cute outfits every time we go out.
as the mother, i think it is important for me to look nice.
to shower and do my hair and wear make-up.
i have only a couple of nicer outfits that i wear on the days i know i'm going to be out in public with my family.
it doesn't bother me that people always see me wearing the same things.
i only care that i am clean and making an effort.
i keep a comb and some elastic bands in my car in case i need to do a quick fix on my girls before we head into the school.
we are not over the top, but i think appearance is important.

some random shopping tips--
Coats from REI-- because we are outside so much, in the oregon weather, i think NICE COATS are important.  i found a coat i liked at REI on clearance for $38.99... it was a waterproof ski jacket with a removable fleece inside.  i had them call other REI stores and ship me these coats in the sizes and colors that i wanted for each of my kids.  they shipped them to my house free of charge.  most stores will do this.  just because you find something on the clearance rack does not mean that you can't pick the size or color.  Nice coats last forever and can be passed on from child to child.

Clothes-- you can find cute things for cheap if you look at children's place, crazy 8, or gymboree sales and clearance.  You can't beat Old Navy for price and size.  When a new season comes and i need a couple pair of shorts and a few t-shirts, Old Navy is the place.  Wal-mart is the best for boy khaki's and white shirts (i love George brand white shirts for church.) and, Wal-mart has the cheapest ($3) shirts if you want to buy shirts to make cute with fabric embellishments.  A cute fleece jacket or a hoody jacket from target or old navy will last forever and make any outfit look cute.  i find clothes cheaper at these places than you can find at goodwill, AND you can pick the sizes you need, shop late at night when your kids are asleep, match young children, and they look nice for a long time.  Gymboree clothes look nice way longer than target clothes.  A cute pair of leggings from Gymboree cost $3 on clearance and looks darling for years.

Swim Suits-- i ALWAYS buy my swim suits at Gymboree for $10-$15 each... in their April spring sale.  (sorry, i think it is past.)  My kids don't have more than one swim suit... but they do have suits that last and look nice.  Gymboree suits are lined and modest and last way longer than any other suit i've ever bought.  They last from year to year and we swim A LOT.

Shoes-- as my children are getting older i am finding that one pair of nice sneakers (Nike, Adidas, etc.) lasts way longer and better than three pairs of cheap, no name sneakers.  For my little kids it made no difference Nike or Wal-mart... but, my big kids it does.  I am AMAZED at how well one pair of well-used Nikes can endure track, school, and lots of washings due to MUD.  Good shoes are worth the investment.

i don't buy many clothes... but a few nice things make a difference.

4.  PACK A BAG.
i do NOT usually bring a bag of treats and distractions to church.
at church, i think the less you bring the better your children behave.
but, sporting events are a different story.
when i go grocery shopping i buy treats specifically for practices, games and meets.
things that kids love...
bring snacks, like tootsie roll pops and vanilla wafers and smores ritz bitz and teddy grahams and trail mix and gum and apples and capri suns, gold fish, bulk food treats, peanut butter crackers, cheese and crackers, peanut butter bars, butterfly cupcakes.  etc.
i don't bring a lot (maybe one or two snacks total), but i bring something fun and different each time.
we share with everyone around us.
i stick these treat things on a high shelf.
when we are going to an event, i usually buckle all my kids into the car and then run back inside to pack a bag (i don't want them to know what i have in it.)
i have a big bag that i just fill with snacks and library books, ds lites (if i can find them), notebooks and a pencil sometimes, drinks (water bottles or capri-suns), and a big pile of blankets.
often i let the girls pick out one small toy to bring.
i keep re-reading this section and it bugs me.
i don't bring excessive amounts of stuff, just one or two boxes of cool things.
so, on my way out the door i just grab the bag- throw in a box of capri suns, grab a box of hostess treats and a bag of trail mix, pile on the blankets and head out the door.
i usually have random packs of gum hidden in my diaper bag and sometimes a lollipop or two zipped in my coat pocket for emergencies.

we have been at FREEZING cold, rainy soccer games.
my baby is smiling and happy because she is sucking on a dum dum lollipop.
i DO NOT give my babies lollipops on a regular basis... but there are certain times when a mother must bring out the secret weapons.
a hidden pile of lollipops or a pocket full of gum work wonders.


Bubbles-- bubbles are my other favorite distraction for the side lines.

we also bring white boards and markers sometimes.
my elementary age girls LOVE to write notes and hold up the white board through the whole game.
white boards are fun, changeable posters.

a happy mother and a distracted child is the secret to success!!

you look like a good mother when...
1. your children are WARM.  
(Bring coats for each child and a bunch of blankets and appropriate shoes.)
2. your children have snacks to eat. 
(So they aren't begging off of everyone around you.)
3.  YOU ARE SMILING!!
(This is supposed to be FUN!)

a note about BRATTY kids...
like everything, you have to be careful about packing snacks too.
it drives me crazy when we sit next to a mother (usually not a mother of many children) who has a super bag packed with toys and snacks and ipads and everything and their child continually whines and cries for something more.
usually these sweet mothers spend the whole time searching through their bag and apologizing to their child, "Sorry honey, mommy didn't bring ...  will this work?"  while the child screams and demands.
drives me CRAZY.
it is NOT our job to entertain our children.
they should learn to sit nicely and be patient.
children can sit and watch a one hour soccer games with out any food or snacks or games.
it is possible.
if your children are in a stingy, demanding habit... change things up.
let them pick ONE small toy to carry and bring ONE ziploc full of snacks that they pack before you leave.
tell them-- "Mommy is NOT bringing any snacks.  Save your bag of treats because when they are done, they are done."
try going to some events with NO bag.
or, pack a bag and leave it in the car.
it is nice to take an intermission walk sometimes.
many, many times i will just stick one pack of gum into my diaper bag to pull out towards the end when things get crazy.
one fruit snack buried deep is sufficient.
a couple of hidden smarties can last the whole game.

i am NOT a mother that over-packs or constantly entertains my children.
just a few things, given towards the end, make all the difference.
my children are mainly entertained by cheering on their friends and siblings (learn the name of ALL the kids so you always have someone to cheer for), interacting with the people around us, dancing on the side-line, and playing with each other.
sometimes, like once in a blue moon, i will give them my wallet and let them spend my change at the concession stand.
i don't think it's a good idea to teach them to expect money for concessions each time.
when they ask, i usually say, "Sure, you can get something.  Did you bring your money?"
a bag is GOOD, snacks are good, but greedy, demanding children are NOT SO GOOD.

and, at the risk of sounding obvious, when you have very little babies with you, NEVER just give them a snack.
a packet of fruit snacks can be eaten in like 10 seconds.
hold your baby on your lap and watch the game.
put a HALF of a fruit snack into your hand  and close both fists...
have the baby guess which hand the snack is in...
have them pull open your fingers to try and get the half of fruit snack.
when they find the fruit snack, hide it again.
you can be doing this for an HOUR while you talk to the nice mother beside you.
please, don't just hand them the bag of snacks.

hand your bigger girls a big bag of trail mix.
tell them you love raisins and have them pick out all the raisins for you.
every time they hand you a raisin make a funny noise while you eat it.
this can take an HOUR and you can still watch the game while you keep your three year old busy.

have your younger children sit with a paper and pencil.
ask them to write all the mother ABCs (capital letters).
then ask them if they know how to write the baby abc's (lowercase).
praise their letters- even if they are wrong...
ask them to draw you a butterfly-- you LOVE butterflies.
ask them to dray you a tree for the butterfly to land in.
each time you are just talking to them a little bit and then they are spending a long time doing something on their own.

it sounds bad, but you honestly keep a detached, loving attitude.
you are a coach, a trainer, not a slave driver or circus entertainer.
my purpose is to watch the game or visit with my friends... but i do interact with my children to direct them to their next activity if they need help.
same with older kids.
can you take Lily for a walk to say Hi to Sister Woods?
that will take awhile.
would you like to go to the car and get the gum in the glove compartment?
Yes, you can go say Hi to Emma.  Just stay for ten minutes and then come back to me, OK?
Yes, you can go to the field to cheer.  When this race is over, come back, OK?
Why don't you read one chapter of your book and then ask me for another snack?
Yes, you can go sit at the top of the bleachers.  Remember to be wise and not to distract the other parents who are watching.  When I look at you and wink it will be time for you to come back down, OK?
Sure, you can play in behind the field with your friends.  Be wise and come back to me BEFORE the end of the game so i don't have to come look for you.

5.  ENJOY the EXPERIENCE.
to be honest-- i CAN NOT ever be completely focused on the event that i am watching.
i do try to watch.  i do cheer loudly.  i do LOVE sports and my big kids who participate.
but my focus in the little kids and the parents around me.
i make friends with the parents and try to connect and be social at the events.
i do let my younger children have some freedom... sitting by their friend, or walking to the end of the row, or playing by a tree.
but, if i ever see that they go where they shouldn't go or do something unwise, i reign them back in and have them near me.
over the years i have erred both on the side of being too strict with my kids on the sidelines and being to lenient.
today i am much better at watching them and letting them have fun at the same time.
i am certain that i appear more lenient than strict.
i feel that when you have a lot of kids, you have to learn to appear happy and easy going.
if you are always upset and stressed out and yelling at your kids, you will look miserable.
you have to be ok with some craziness.
you will loose a child every now and then.
you will feel panicked by this, but your child will probably be ok.
maintain your dignity.  gather your non-lost children close around you.  quietly walk around looking for her (yes, the child you loose will always be the same child.)  if necessary ask a few friends to keep their eyes out.  chances are she will show up holding someone's hand with a big smile on her face in a few minutes.
when you find a lost child, look at them seriously and say sternly, "i was so worried.  i could not find you anywhere."  hold their hand and keep them close.

6.  PUBLIC DISCIPLINE.
please-- DO NOT YELL AT YOUR CHILD IN PUBLIC.
{unless they are about to run into the street and get killed.}
i think you very rarely have to scold a child in public.
other people should not hear you scolding your children.
i hate it when parents think they are being good parents by going on an on with a lecture that is more intended to be heard by the audience around them than by the child they are talking to.
OFTEN, i whisper in a child's ear... "I am NOT happy with your behavior right now.  We will talk about this when we get home."
too often i will yell at my kid the whole way home from an event-- that is where my exhaustion pours out.
In the car they will hear my "UGGHHH! you were so rotten today!!  Right to bed when we get home!!"
but, i almost never loose my cool in public.
i learned early on in my parenting of many small children that you LOOK like a good mother when you are in control of yourself-- no matter what your children are doing.
sure, people might think you need to do more to teach your children or control your children... and they are right.
but, screaming at your kid in public does NOT make you look like a good mother.

the best parents make parenting look easy and natural.
you do NOT need to display your grand time-out behavior or teach others how to teach their children by your example or loud voice.
teaching moments are best found AT HOME.
most of my public parenting is done by whispering in their ears.
yes, sometimes i will say to my older kids, "You went too far, now sit 5 minutes in that chair beside me."
but no one around me would know that they are in trouble.
MAKE A MENTAL NOTE OF THE EMBARRASSING BEHAVIOR YOUR CHILDREN DISPLAY AND TEACH A LESSON ABOUT THOSE THINGS NEXT WEEK IN FAMILY NIGHT.
home is the best place to teach.
public is where you practice the behavior that you have already learned at home.

sometimes i have to take away something they are fighting over.
i do it quickly and quietly.  "Thank you.  I'll take that if you're going to fight over it."
when they whine for it back i just look them in the eye and ask seriously, "Are you going to fight in front of everyone?"
they change quickly.
sometimes i whisper to them, "Can you please pretend to love each other while we are in public?"
or, "remember, she's your best friend."
i ALWAYS say things like...
"Oh, today is share with your little sister day."
or
"Give Your Mother a Bite of Your Candy Bar Day."
or
"Did you know that today is National Help Your Mother Carry Bags to the Car Day?"
they laugh and mend their ways.

TEACH MANNERS AT HOME and PRAISE THE POSITIVE in PUBLIC.
seriously.
praise is your secret weapon-- even better than a pocket full of gum.
no matter how tired you feel-- keep the tone happy.
once you get into a battle of wills you have LOST, even if you win.
this goes for sporting events, grocery stores, church, everything.

don't FIGHT with your kids.
don't have TEMPER TANTRUMS.
don't whine.
don't ask "Are we done yet?"
just whistle while you hike up the mountain and remember-- your kids will sleep GOOD when you get home.
pretend that you are a good mother!!
pretend that you are LOVING the experience.
pretend that you are super patient.
pretend that you think it's funny when you have to walk to the bathroom across the field 7 times in 20 minutes.
people will see you and wonder how you do it.
they will say, "I only have one child and it is so hard.  You have seven and you are always smiling."
they won't know you are FAKING IT!!!

if i have a child that is melting down i will usually try distraction.
i just scoop them into my lap and distractedly say things like, "I know... I know... It's hard... You are such a sweet girl... Just a little bit longer and we will go home... Can i get you something to drink?... Would you like to play a game on my iphone (i save this for the ultimate end of the night)?... I love you so much.  Just sit here by your sweet mother and let me tickle your face."
it is easy to point to the field and say, "Look!  Let's cheer for drew!"
i don't give them my complete attention... but, i do hand them things to help them be happy.
i praise the behavior that i WANT THEM to have more than pay attention to the behavior they are currently showing.
"You are so patient.  Wow!  You are sitting so nice."
does that make sense?
If a tantrum can not be avoided I act detached.
I smile and scoop the tired child into my arms.
I ask the other children to help me pack up and I smile at the moms near me.
I'll usually say something like, "Poor girl, it's been a LONG day hasn't it."
or, "Well, it looks like our time is up!  It's been fun!  See you next week!"
And, we head to the car.
even a full on screaming, kicking, crying, tantrum throwing child seems like a sweet girl when carried by a smiling mother.
it hardly ever gets to this point.
most kids are happy as long as you handle them with a positive, grateful, understanding attitude.

SMILE!!!  You will look crazy sometimes.
You are crazy to have older kids and younger kids out at a track meet for six hours.
it's crazy!
most people couldn't do what you do.
accept that and do the best you can.
if you have a child who falls and splits their lip open and another child who is lost and another child who wets their pants and another child who is crying because she is cold and a husband who is cranky because he can't watch the game and blankets, shoes, snacks and toys spread all over the bleachers near you and across the field from you...  JUST LAUGH!!
life is like that sometimes.
know that you are a GREAT mother and you have a DARLING family.
it is NORMAL to feel out of control MUCH of the time.
pick one thing.  whisper quiet directions.  and GO HOME!!
if you have to stay to drive people home, just sit in the car with WE SING tapes playing.
do quick baths and gentle bed times and try again the next time.
the good always out weighs the bad.
BAD always FEELS worse to you than it looks to others.
The days when i feel like i am smiling through my gritted teeth, i will inevitably have some sweet mom say to me, "You're children are so well-behaved, how do you do it?"
i laugh and ask honestly, "My kids?  Today?  Are you serious?"
even if your kids are crazy-- they are just kids and they are cuter than you think they are.
don't you smile when you see someone else's two year old crying for more ice cream?
smile at your chaos!
my friend used to say, "at least i'm doing a service because other people can look at my life and think that their life isn't that bad."  hah!
and remember-- you started out with kids who look nice, so you have that going for you.
crying kids that are cute are a whole lot easier to love and smile at than crying kids who look like neglected orphan children.
just being honest here.
MOST of the time your kids will be GREAT!!

i remind myself... when i look GOOD, i am amazingly good.
seven, darling, happy, social, bright children perfectly behaved look AMAZING.
when i look BAD, i am pretty bad.
seven dirty, sassy, fighting, lazy kids look...  hard.
sometimes my job looks hard... but most of the time people LOVE my kids.
people help me ALL THE TIME.
people know my little girls and LOVE THEM.
cute grandfathers say, "Why are you sitting over there?  You were supposed to sit right behind us, remember?"
they don't mind when my baby pets their beard or tries to wear their glasses.
the teenagers LOVE my social little girls.
{my younger girls got asked to be escorts for the Mr. Philomath competition... my five year old's best friend is a boy who is a senior in high school  well, actually she loves the whole varsity soccer team.}
the youth in our town LOVE my family, they are so kind and helpful.
my baby gets passed around the bleachers.
we are well-known in our community and well-loved.
when you make an effort to be IN the community you begin to feel surrounded by friends and adopted family.
i have never lived near family, so these people quickly become our adopted aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents.
they know us and love us, even in our chaos.

it is SO FUN to have younger kids and bigger kids.
yes, it is hard work.
but, it is GOOD work!

oh, these question answering blogs are SO LONG.
i do have many cute pictures i could put on this blog, but my time is up (i put my little girls into the bath while i wrote and i just check on them-- my whole bathroom is a small pond!)...
maybe i'll add pictures later.

i hope this has been a helpful post.
i certainly am not perfect at this... and, if you have any ideas that work good please let me know!!
i'm always looking for new ideas.
have a great day.
you are better than you think you are!!