healing.

hello friends.
i've missed you.

This post is hard for me to write.  I have 856 pictures not yet downloaded from my camera with dozens of happy, holiday posts to write.  I have 100 Christmas cards with smiling and silly faces sitting on my desk that have never been mailed and a Christmas letter that has been forming in my mind for weeks.
We won't discuss the laundry that is sitting nearby in piles or the horrific girls' room that I will have to tackle someday.

There are times in life when your body tells you to stop and listen.  I'm not very good at that.  I tend to push on, endure and ignore.  That's how I survive.  I'm learning beautiful lessons about health and rest.  How grateful I am for this experience.

I am a little over 3 months pregnant.  I was pregnant with twins, and I miscarried one.  My uterus has a small tear that is healing.  I am in bed resting, hoping that I will be able to keep the other baby in my womb.

Those of you who have known me for years, know that I have a blood condition that leaves me very anemic during pregnancy.  This, paired with 3 months of pretty heavy bleeding, left me with hemoglobin levels that were quite low.  My general care doctor said she had never seen anyone living with levels that low.  (I'm certain my hematologist was not so alarmed.)

I'm used to blood transfusions during pregnancy, but never this early.  They admitted me to the hospital right after my last OB appointment.  In the hospital I realized just how awful I have been feeling.  I was directed to some wonderful specialists that I had been avoiding, hematologist  geneticists, and high-risk OB doctors.  I sought out some natural doctors and got advice from healthy friends.

I decided to let the doctors do what they can, and at the same time to do everything I can to improve my health and rest here at home.  I didn't bleed at all the day I was in the hospital.  The day I came home, carrying eve down for her nap, I gushed blood again.  I just decided to give myself a little time in bed and see if I could stop the bleeding.  I think it is working.

I bought a vita-mix and have been inhaling spinach and kale and beet smoothies.  I'm taking mega-vitamins and chlorophyll and hoping that as I rest, my body will be able to make some strong, healthy blood.  My husband and children have been SAINTS.  I'm blessed with great friends at church that have taken to kidnapping my children or making arrangements with my husband.  I have family that has listened to hours of my worries and offered to help however they can.  Many have sent virtual messages of encouragement and congratulations.  THANK YOU.

I still do not feel good.  I suppose the weirdest thing for me is realizing that even while I am laying down, I am still exhausted.  I sleep a lot, battle a constant headache, and feel my uterus continually cramping up.  I'm so hopeful that in time, my body will heal itself and I will have a healthy pregnancy.  But, i have learned an important lesson-- i need to LISTEN better to my body.  I need to care for my health.
A healthy mother is a healthy family.  Sometimes, we need a smack in the face to stop and take notice.

Todd and I have both mourned the loss of our twin.  We would have LOVED to have twins, I have always wanted twin boys.  I'm not someone that has ever really mourned a miscarriage like a death before.  But, I feel this loss.  I feel so blessed to still have a healthy little baby inside my womb.  My ob calls this baby our "bionic baby".  It is possible to feel sorrow and joy at the same time.  And, we are SO excited for the baby that I am still carrying.  I am hopeful that the next six months will go well.

Thank you for listening to the wanderings of a hormonal mother.
Thank you for reading my blog.
I will try to update when I can, but for now I am resting and really focusing on the basics.
I hope your 2013 has started out well and that you are full of joy!

Life is so good!!  I wish I could pour into your soul the great feeling of gratitude that I feel for my Father in Heaven and for His great, individual plan for each of us.  I know this experience was not some great thing.  Many of you are going through much worse.  But, i just know that we needed this.  I needed to learn to listen and feel my body again.  I needed to remember to be healthy and grateful and full of joy.
Today I feel so blessed.  I am so blessed.