January 14, 2013

healing.

hello friends.
i've missed you.

This post is hard for me to write.  I have 856 pictures not yet downloaded from my camera with dozens of happy, holiday posts to write.  I have 100 Christmas cards with smiling and silly faces sitting on my desk that have never been mailed and a Christmas letter that has been forming in my mind for weeks.
We won't discuss the laundry that is sitting nearby in piles or the horrific girls' room that I will have to tackle someday.

There are times in life when your body tells you to stop and listen.  I'm not very good at that.  I tend to push on, endure and ignore.  That's how I survive.  I'm learning beautiful lessons about health and rest.  How grateful I am for this experience.

I am a little over 3 months pregnant.  I was pregnant with twins, and I miscarried one.  My uterus has a small tear that is healing.  I am in bed resting, hoping that I will be able to keep the other baby in my womb.

Those of you who have known me for years, know that I have a blood condition that leaves me very anemic during pregnancy.  This, paired with 3 months of pretty heavy bleeding, left me with hemoglobin levels that were quite low.  My general care doctor said she had never seen anyone living with levels that low.  (I'm certain my hematologist was not so alarmed.)

I'm used to blood transfusions during pregnancy, but never this early.  They admitted me to the hospital right after my last OB appointment.  In the hospital I realized just how awful I have been feeling.  I was directed to some wonderful specialists that I had been avoiding, hematologist  geneticists, and high-risk OB doctors.  I sought out some natural doctors and got advice from healthy friends.

I decided to let the doctors do what they can, and at the same time to do everything I can to improve my health and rest here at home.  I didn't bleed at all the day I was in the hospital.  The day I came home, carrying eve down for her nap, I gushed blood again.  I just decided to give myself a little time in bed and see if I could stop the bleeding.  I think it is working.

I bought a vita-mix and have been inhaling spinach and kale and beet smoothies.  I'm taking mega-vitamins and chlorophyll and hoping that as I rest, my body will be able to make some strong, healthy blood.  My husband and children have been SAINTS.  I'm blessed with great friends at church that have taken to kidnapping my children or making arrangements with my husband.  I have family that has listened to hours of my worries and offered to help however they can.  Many have sent virtual messages of encouragement and congratulations.  THANK YOU.

I still do not feel good.  I suppose the weirdest thing for me is realizing that even while I am laying down, I am still exhausted.  I sleep a lot, battle a constant headache, and feel my uterus continually cramping up.  I'm so hopeful that in time, my body will heal itself and I will have a healthy pregnancy.  But, i have learned an important lesson-- i need to LISTEN better to my body.  I need to care for my health.
A healthy mother is a healthy family.  Sometimes, we need a smack in the face to stop and take notice.

Todd and I have both mourned the loss of our twin.  We would have LOVED to have twins, I have always wanted twin boys.  I'm not someone that has ever really mourned a miscarriage like a death before.  But, I feel this loss.  I feel so blessed to still have a healthy little baby inside my womb.  My ob calls this baby our "bionic baby".  It is possible to feel sorrow and joy at the same time.  And, we are SO excited for the baby that I am still carrying.  I am hopeful that the next six months will go well.

Thank you for listening to the wanderings of a hormonal mother.
Thank you for reading my blog.
I will try to update when I can, but for now I am resting and really focusing on the basics.
I hope your 2013 has started out well and that you are full of joy!

Life is so good!!  I wish I could pour into your soul the great feeling of gratitude that I feel for my Father in Heaven and for His great, individual plan for each of us.  I know this experience was not some great thing.  Many of you are going through much worse.  But, i just know that we needed this.  I needed to learn to listen and feel my body again.  I needed to remember to be healthy and grateful and full of joy.
Today I feel so blessed.  I am so blessed.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know you in real life, but I found your blog awhile ago, through a different blog. I also have 7 little ones, and I so enjoy your outlook. You'll be in my thoughts.

Handsfullmom said...

Jenifer,

I am so sorry about what you're experiencing, both in the loss of your baby and the loss of your health. You'll be in my prayers.

You are amazing and I know you'll handle this with grace and wisdom!

Aimee said...

Blessings to you Jenifer!
I was excited to see a post from you on my reader but sad to learn of what you've been going through. I pray that the rest of your pregnancy will go well. I'll be anxious to maybe read some occasional updates :)

Elicia Gregg said...

Jenifer -

I am sorry to hear about the loss of one of the babies you were carrying, but I am so happy for you that one little bean is still growing. I look forward to reading about this pregancy.
Your blog is my most favorite blog. I have missed your absence, and am so happy you are back.
Please take of yourself.

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Jenifer,

What a wide range of emotions and experiences you are going through! So sorry to hear of the loss of one of your babies and so excited there is still one "bionic" baby hanging on. I'm glad you have a great husband and children to go through this with together. I'll be praying for you!

Montserrat

Kat Curtis said...

We'll be praying for you too - I'm sorry about your miscarriage, and I hope everything settles down so you have a healthy baby.

Amber said...

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and glad to hear you have one healthy baby. I'm sorry your pregnancies are so hard, I'm glad you have help so you can rest and get healthy. Green chocolate banana peanut butter smoothies are my favorite-- you can't even taste the kale. Best wishes and hugs!

Diane said...

Hugs and prayers. I am sorry for your loss.

Diane

CTR Mama said...

Love and prayers headed your way.

beckyjune said...

Jen, I can't even imagine the range of emotions you must be going through right now. How exciting to have another sweet baby on the way but how sad to have lost the other twin. I am so sorry. On the bright side, I just got my Christmas cards mailed last week and I don't have any excuses. I hope that with rest and lots of vitamins, prayers and help that your body will be strong enough to carry this new little baby. We'll be praying for you and there is still an empty spot in our ward where you all used to be. ♥

Lisa said...

thoughts, love, and prayers. you are a great woman with a mothers heart.take care.

Ruby Johnson said...

Oh, so sorry for your loss! Glad you have one awesome baby still within! ;) I hope all goes well to get this next baby here to Earth!

valerie in TX said...

Sweet friend, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I love you and will be praying for you.

Shauna Thompson said...

I was so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I was there to run over a dinner or take your kids for a while to make your life a little easier. Do rest and make all those kids spoil you a bit! You need that. You will be in my prayers! :)

ashley said...

Oh Jen,

How happy I am for your little one still growing - and saddened by the loss of the other. What a sweet boy. Hugs & prayers for each of you.

Love,
ashley nelson

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