Two weeks from today- the Thursday after next.
I'm excited and freaked out.
I miss normal life desperately.
I still have huge compassion for normal, hard pregnancies and people who feel tired and overwhelmed with normal life. BUT- I miss normal life so much it hurts!
I'm different. This pregnancy has changed me.
When I'm back in my life I will be different.
Two weeks until my hard part begins-- healing, learning to mother 8, coming back to reality... I want to return to my old life, but I want to do it better. I think this experience has refined me and changed my perspective. I want this to have been a productive intermission in my life, not an interruption.
I think often about how I will change-- here's what I think...
I have learned the value of rest. I'll expect less of myself. I'll hire help. I'll spend more time doing what I want to do and less time pushing through things I don't want to do.
I won't feel guilty about laundry not put away. I will feel deep gratitude for the ability to work. I will cherish every moment I get to rock or love on my children. I will know that I'm a hard worker, a great mother, an organized homemaker. I'll worry less about finishing and enjoy the daily doing.
I'll spend more time ministering to my children and less time administering. I'll listen to those thoughts like, "I should take this child out to lunch", more than I will listen to the thought, "today is laundry day".
Every single time I walk up the stairs carrying a laundry basket of dirty laundry, I will thank God for the privilege. If I'm tired and wishing for a day of bed rest, I will spend a morning in bed- and I will remember quickly how much I love to be up and doing.
I will sing praises to Heaven for the ability to run around my house and do a five minute straighten!! Every time I bend down to pick up a marble under the coffee table, I will smile.
I will have people over to my house more, and never apologize to someone who sees me or my house looking real-life. I will live in the moment with contentment and not worry if I have to run to the grocery store more than once every two weeks-- I'm ok with not being a super planner.
I will spend more time outside and many more afternoons at the park.
I will always be grateful for the freedom of being able to drive. I will listen with new, grateful ears as my children and their friends pile into my car after school.
I will accept the fatigue that comes from hard work with gratitude not guilt that I couldn't do more. I will work hard and then rest hard with gratitude. (I think I was used to working, working, working... and I missed the time for rest. Having spent 6 months resting I have learned we always have time for rest. Even if you think you can't-- you really can.) I will strive for a life of ebbs and flows.
I will do less by myself-- I really think we all need each other so much. I'll do more play dates or kid swaps. I'm going to hire someone to help me with housework. I'm going to hire more babysitters so I can do more fun things with my older kids. I'm going to take more time for myself- being alone to think has been good for me.
I'm going to cuddle hard with my husband and thank God deeply for every night I climb in bed with him beside me. I'm going to run and feel every part of my body move!
I will hold and cherish every moment of my sweet last baby boy. I'm going to cherish each milestone, mourn the ending of my childbearing era and celebrate the fact that I embraced these years with fullness and gusto! I am going to squeeze every last ounce of childhood out of my brood and look forward with excitement for my next stages of life. I will serve others more.
I will give more simple gifts to people who are struggling- worrying less about my inability to change their situation and more about my ability to encourage and support. I will notice others more, visit people more, send simple texts, pray for others, just stop by to say hi. I will bring more meals or watch more kids. People are so kind- I want to be more kind.
I hope I will always remember these days.
I hope I am changed for good.
I hope that I have allowed these months to mold me into something better and brighter.
Last weekend my cousin organized a family fast for me. I feel so touched. My mother told me that even my cute agnostic brother joined in a day of fasting. Thank you! Thank you all for your kind thoughts, prayers and efforts. I feel so blessed to be here on the receiving end of such goodness.
People are so good.
I love this life journey.